Leaving your folks behind

[Nick9]

hi, how hard was it for you to leave your folks behind when you followed your vocation? Did your folks take it badly and were they eventually reconciled to the idea. Or, if you are considering a vocation, how are your folks taking it?

My parents say they will not stop me, but would prefer that I did not go away. This is hard for me because they are getting older and I have been around for many years. We have been pretty close, even though I don’t live with them. I do have 2 brothers who can watch out for them. One of my brothers, maybe both, will also take it hard because none of my family are religious and they don’t understand.

 

[Poor_Clare_tobe]

hi, how hard was it for you to leave your folks behind when you followed your vocation?
*First let me note… that my journey is actually a two step one and hopefully may provide some encouragement to you.
My first time in religious life [1983] the family was not at all happy.[Being a convert … I could understand]
Yes it was difficult to leave the family.[Here again some orders allow family visits… and a family always becomes part of the communities and extended family if you will. However I felt that my calling was to religious life… so went ahead for 10 happy years… **

Did your folks take it badly and were they eventually reconciled to the idea. Or, if you are considering a vocation, how are your folks taking it?
Yes the family originally took it badly… but yes they have totally reconciled to the idea of my returning. In fact though none are Catholic they fully support my being able to return should the last of my debt be paid off and should the order I am looking at accept my application
I realize I am far removed age wise from most here… but most parents once they get over the initial shock… usually support the idea. After all our parents always want whats best for us???
My parents say they will not stop me, but would prefer that I did not go away. This is hard for me because they are getting older and I have been around for many years. We have been pretty close, even though I don’t live with them. I do have 2 brothers who can watch out for them. One of my brothers, maybe both, will also take it hard because none of my family are religious and they don’t understand.

*I am glad that you have family that can take care of your parents as they age… should the need arise [That is actually why I left my community… but now the siblings are grown and able]…As for the feelings on both sides it is natural… I do suggest you obtain a good spiritual director [if you haven’t already … to help you on your journey]…blessings to you

[Hopefully many more people and religious will add to your post]*

 

[Epistemes]

Hello,

I don’t have answers to the question, but, rather, I have similar questions myself. Not only am I technically an only child, but my parents aren’t even Catholic.

I am praying for God to lead me where and how he will. Fortunately but unfortunately, I have some financial obligations to tend to before I even start consider a vocation too heavily. When the time comes for me to start truly considering the call to religious life which I have always felt in my heart, I am going to be looking for a community which is able to take care of aging parents to some degree.

I’ll admit straight out, though, that the thought of leaving my parents makes me cry even now when I think about the prospect. They’re my parents, and I love them – it couldn’t be more simple – but God and His purposes are greater no matter how much sadness. Part of my discernment is to decide if I’m not somehow being selfish by choosing a vocation rather than heeding a true call. If it is a true call, then I must rely upon the hope that I will see my parents again in heaven – in much better conditions, with much greater happiness.

 

[Nick9]

First let me note… that my journey is actually a two step one and hopefully may provide some encouragement to you.
My first time in religious life [1983] the family was not at all happy.[Being a convert … I could understand]
Yes it was difficult to leave the family.[Here again some orders allow family visits… and a family always becomes part of the communities and extended family if you will. However I felt that my calling was to religious life… so went ahead for 10 happy years…[/COLOR]

You had 10 happy years! That is good and encouraging for you. It must be nice to know for sure that you are suited to a place. I too am a convert and the Order I am looking at does allow family visits.
Poor Clare tobe;4139818:

Yes the family originally took it badly… but yes they have totally reconciled to the idea of my returning. In fact though none are Catholic they fully support my being able to return should the last of my debt be paid off and should the order I am looking at accept my application
I realize I am far removed age wise from most here… but most parents once they get over the initial shock… usually support the idea. After all our parents always want whats best for us???

I am glad your parents are reconciled to the idea of your returning. What about your siblings? Do they resent it? My parents aren’t too bad about it. As they say, they have always done what they want to do in their lives so they wouldn’t stop me from doing what I want to do. I don’t have any debts to pay off so I am free and I feel that I should not allow emotional ties to prevent me. It is not as if I am going to Mars with a one-way ticket. I am hoping that my parents do reconcile themselves to the idea once they see that I am settled and happy (if I get that far!)

I am glad that you have family that can take care of your parents as they age… should the need arise [That is actually why I left my community… but now the siblings are grown and able]…As for the feelings on both sides it is natural… I do suggest you obtain a good spiritual director [if you haven’t already … to help you on your journey]…blessings to you

[Hopefully many more people and religious will add to your post]

I could do with a spiritual director. I haven’t had one for 5 years at least. There is the Novice Master at the abbey who would help with discernment if I eventually enter. There does seem to be two sides to our feelings in this context: the first is the shallower, emotional attachment and the second is the deeper, more spiritual sense where God speaks to us. I need to get beyond the emotional attachments and get in touch with my spiritual self.

 

[Nick9]

Hello,

I don’t have answers to the question, but, rather, I have similar questions myself. Not only am I technically an only child, but my parents aren’t even Catholic.

Hello, my parents aren’t Catholic either, but if I were an only child I would find it harder. It would be easier if you entered an active order or the priesthood because you could visit them more often, but an enclosed order would be different.

I am praying for God to lead me where and how he will. Fortunately but unfortunately, I have some financial obligations to tend to before I even start consider a vocation too heavily. When the time comes for me to start truly considering the call to religious life which I have always felt in my heart, I am going to be looking for a community which is able to take care of aging parents to some degree.

I am not sure I know of any communities which actually take care of your parents. I think that some (most?) religious orders allow a person to look after their parents if they get sick, but I am not sure of the degree of freedom they give in this.

I’ll admit straight out, though, that the thought of leaving my parents makes me cry even now when I think about the prospect. They’re my parents, and I love them – it couldn’t be more simple – but God and His purposes are greater no matter how much sadness. Part of my discernment is to decide if I’m not somehow being selfish by choosing a vocation rather than heeding a true call. If it is a true call, then I must rely upon the hope that I will see my parents again in heaven – in much better conditions, with much greater happiness.

I am the same as you in this. I would be very sad to leave them, partly for their sake. It would break my heart, for example, if I saw my mother crying at the prospect of me going away.

 

[Epistemes]

Hello, my parents aren’t Catholic either, but if I were an only child I would find it harder. It would be easier if you entered an active order or the priesthood because you could visit them more often, but an enclosed order would be different.

I am not sure I know of any communities which actually take care of your parents. I think that some (most?) religious orders allow a person to look after their parents if they get sick, but I am not sure of the degree of freedom they give in this.

I’m considering my options. I am really in the pre-emptive of pre-emptive phases of discernment right now.

I am considering some active orders, the diocesan priesthood, , but also some cloistered contemplative communities. For instance, I know the Conventual Franciscans offer assistance for aging parents (according to my priest, who is a Conventual Franciscan, and says the order did such for his mother). As for the cloistered contemplative communities, I am asking each of them I am interested in for their constitutions so that I might understand their position on these matters. And, of course, if and when I decide to visit whom I visit on the vocation retreats, this question will be forefront in my mind – and well it should be.

I am the same as you in this. I would be very sad to leave them, partly for their sake. It would break my heart, for example, if I saw my mother crying at the prospect of me going away.

My mother will cry – but she cried when I went off to college, too.

While I definitely don’t want to leave my parents permanently behind, and do want to continue to see them, I am more concerned about their welfare than anything. While I have to do what’s right for me, I can’t be selfish about it either. But, again, this is part and parcel of the discernment process.

 

[Nick9]

I’m considering my options. I am really in the pre-emptive of pre-emptive phases of discernment right now.

I am considering some active orders, the diocesan priesthood, , but also some cloistered contemplative communities. For instance, I know the Conventual Franciscans offer assistance for aging parents (according to my priest, who is a Conventual Franciscan, and says the order did such for his mother). As for the cloistered contemplative communities, I am asking each of them I am interested in for their constitutions so that I might understand their position on these matters. And, of course, if and when I decide to visit whom I visit on the vocation retreats, this question will be forefront in my mind – and well it should be.

I think it is a good approach to consider the welfare or your parents. Many people say, well, God will look after them, but it is good and right that you do all you can to make sure they are alright and for an only child, that means more direct care from you. Just offer it to God. I am sure He is very happy that you care for your parents the way you do.

My mother will cry – but she cried when I went off to college, too.

While I definitely don’t want to leave my parents permanently behind, and do want to continue to see them, I am more concerned about their welfare than anything. While I have to do what’s right for me, I can’t be selfish about it either. But, again, this is part and parcel of the discernment process.

Yes, at the end of the day, it is God’s decision we want to discern. I have known a few only sons who followed their vocation after their parents died. I saw this as God’s will not wanting to take them away from their parents since they were all they had. I may be wrong, it was just how I saw it. St Anthony the Great comes to mind. I think you have the right attitude and I wish you well

 

[amartolos]

hi all,
In my case I admit it was the reason I left the Jesuit noviciate 10 years ago. By that time none knew how to solve this problem. I was
39 years old from Greece (thats mean Orthodox country) and Catholic. I regret my leaving the Noviciate but the superior in Greece didnt want to know the reason I had returned from Portugal, where it was the Noviciate I was in. Straight away he has sent me home and has said to come back in one week to tell him my decision. I was so frustrated and so lonely that I have left my family to confuse me more and I have taken the decision to leave. Now I am considering to answer the God’s call. the thing is that I have written to the Vocationist Fathers and they didnt answer my email yet as for the Jesuits it is another story I think they dont want me back.

 

[Poor_Clare_tobe]

You had 10 happy years! That is good and encouraging for you. It must be nice to know for sure that you are suited to a place. I too am a convert and the Order I am looking at does allow family visits.

[Yes it was a fantastic 10 years and with older vocations being accepted today … With Gods grace will be many more]

I am glad your parents are reconciled to the idea of your returning. What about your siblings? Do they resent it? My parents aren’t too bad about it. As they say, they have always done what they want to do in their lives so they wouldn’t stop me from doing what I want to do. I don’t have any debts to pay off so I am free and I feel that I should not allow emotional ties to prevent me. It is not as if I am going to Mars with a one-way ticket. I am hoping that my parents do reconcile themselves to the idea once they see that I am settled and happy (if I get that far!)
[My Brother and Sister… now both in the late 30s early 40s support my path … in fact because they offered to be there for my mom should she need it… that is what enables me now to possibly return.]

I could do with a spiritual director. I haven’t had one for 5 years at least. There is the Novice Master at the abbey who would help with discernment if I eventually enter. There does seem to be two sides to our feelings in this context: the first is the shallower, emotional attachment and the second is the deeper, more spiritual sense where God speaks to us. I need to get beyond the emotional attachments and get in touch with my spiritual self.

**

**

Thank you for your interest and best of luck!
Blessings of Peace and Good!

 

[Nick9]

hi all,
In my case I admit it was the reason I left the Jesuit noviciate 10 years ago. By that time none knew how to solve this problem. I was
39 years old from Greece (thats mean Orthodox country) and Catholic. I regret my leaving the Noviciate but the superior in Greece didnt want to know the reason I had returned from Portugal, where it was the Noviciate I was in. Straight away he has sent me home and has said to come back in one week to tell him my decision. I was so frustrated and so lonely that I have left my family to confuse me more and I have taken the decision to leave. Now I am considering to answer the God’s call. the thing is that I have written to the Vocationist Fathers and they didnt answer my email yet as for the Jesuits it is another story I think they dont want me back.

so you were originally from Greece and went to Portugal to the Jesuit novitiate and returned home because you missed your family? You must now be 49 years old? I don’t know if that makes you too old for to join an order now. Couldn’t you have joined an order in Greece so you would be nearer your family, or are they mainly Orthodox with little Catholic options in the way of vocations in Greece?

Anyway, I hope it goes well for you and you are accepted if that is God’s will. I will pray for you

 

[amartolos]

so you were originally from Greece and went to Portugal to the Jesuit novitiate and returned home because you missed your family? You must now be 49 years old? I don’t know if that makes you too old for to join an order now. Couldn’t you have joined an order in Greece so you would be nearer your family, or are they mainly Orthodox with little Catholic options in the way of vocations in Greece?

Anyway, I hope it goes well for you and you are accepted if that is God’s will. I will pray for you

In Greece we dont have orders with noviciate, we have to go somewhere else in europe. The orders here dont have many members and the members they have are in advanced age. Catholic Vocations in Greece is very rare and what has surprised me is the way they handled my vocation. the only thing I have asked is to visit my family as all did in Portugal. It could be that I dont have a call but in the other hand why am I still with this in mind???

the Vocationist Fathers havent contacted me yet… why is taking so long?

 

[Nick9]

In Greece we dont have orders with noviciate, we have to go somewhere else in europe. The orders here dont have many members and the members they have are in advanced age. Catholic Vocations in Greece is very rare and what has surprised me is the way they handled my vocation. the only thing I have asked is to visit my family as all did in Portugal. It could be that I dont have a call but in the other hand why am I still with this in mind???

hi, I think you need to discuss your possible call with your diocesan vocations director. Every diocese has one. He will help you discern if you have a genuine call from God and what your options are. I don’t know enough about your situation to advise you myself.

the Vocationist Fathers havent contacted me yet… why is taking so long?

have you tried writing to them using ordinary mail rather than email? I do know that some orders are quite slow in responding to enquirers. God bless.

 

[puzzleannie]

that is a tough situation, but bear in mind, if it helps, to consider that many vocations require children to leave their parents for a time, or permanently, like the military, business connections overseas, even marriage in some cases. A diocesan priest would not normally “abandon” his parents, and is allowed visits while in seminary, and may even spend the summers with his family until he becomes a deacon. Most of our priests who are “from here” see their families at least weekly or monthly, and several care for aging parents personally, even in their own homes. One priest friend has his only brother, a cancer patient, living with him, another had his father living with him until his dad’s death.

I regret my leaving the Noviciate but the superior in Greece didnt want to know the reason I had returned from Portugal, where it was the Noviciate I was in.

the person to talk to is the vocations director of the religious order, but one must be honest with him about everything that impacts your situation.

 

[Nick9]

that is a tough situation, but bear in mind, if it helps, to consider that many vocations require children to leave their parents for a time, or permanently, like the military, business connections overseas, even marriage in some cases. A diocesan priest would not normally “abandon” his parents, and is allowed visits while in seminary, and may even spend the summers with his family until he becomes a deacon. Most of our priests who are “from here” see their families at least weekly or monthly, and several care for aging parents personally, even in their own homes. One priest friend has his only brother, a cancer patient, living with him, another had his father living with him until his dad’s death.

thanks puzzleannie, it may be a bit easier for priests than for religious, especially cloistered. I understand that some of the latter are allowed out to care for parents who are ill, so they are not so cut off. Still, it is a big change in relationship.

 

[Pious]

hi, how hard was it for you to leave your folks behind when you followed your vocation? Did your folks take it badly and were they eventually reconciled to the idea. Or, if you are considering a vocation, how are your folks taking it?

When I officially confessed to both my parents that I felt a calling to the Priesthood, they were both supportive; this was back when I was 15 - 16.

To cut a long story short I did not follow my vocation at that time; it was not untill 10yrs later that I began to listen to the calling once more, but due to debts I could not do anything financially about it.

I was in contact with a seminary and told them my plan to pay off my debts; I accomplished this this year, and have been interviewed for the seminary and have been conditionally accepted.

The problem is that my father passed away before I got a chance to tell them both that I had applied for the seminary; I was reluctant to tell my mother and I was going to postpone entering the seminary. But my mother knew somehow that I was soon to be leaving and asked where I was going, so I told her and said that I will postpone it as it is within such a sorrowfull time.

My mother insisted that I accept the offer and that I would have her blessing and support; she is sad that I am going but she knows that I need to follow what God is leading me to.

I do feel guilty for leaving her the same year that my father passed away, but I know that my elder sisters will visit her each day.

I will be leaving for the seminary a week today.

 

[Nick9]

I was in contact with a seminary and told them my plan to pay off my debts; I accomplished this this year, and have been interviewed for the seminary and have been conditionally accepted.

well done for that.

The problem is that my father passed away before I got a chance to tell them both that I had applied for the seminary; I was reluctant to tell my mother and I was going to postpone entering the seminary. But my mother knew somehow that I was soon to be leaving and asked where I was going, so I told her and said that I will postpone it as it is within such a sorrowfull time.

sorry to hear that. I can understand your reluctance after your mother’s loss.

My mother insisted that I accept the offer and that I would have her blessing and support; she is sad that I am going but she knows that I need to follow what God is leading me to.

she sounds like a holy woman with God at the center of her life.

I do feel guilty for leaving her the same year that my father passed away, but I know that my elder sisters will visit her each day.

I would as well, but not so much if I had sibilings to visit her. Even less if they were sisters who could better look after her than me.

I will be leaving for the seminary a week today.

brilliant, I wish you well and will pray for you

 

[water]

hi, how hard was it for you to leave your folks behind when you followed your vocation? Did your folks take it badly and were they eventually reconciled to the idea. Or, if you are considering a vocation, how are your folks taking it?

3 years ago, I left my family to go down to Texas for my vocation (I didn’t know the word “vocation” existed back then ),. My mother was very ill and thought she would be paralyzied for the rest of her life. My only sister living with her got problem with her both hands. My dad was getting old.

My vocation was to accept a job offered - nothing to do with religious life;however, I did ask God to grant a job down in Texas where I could be with a special person to worship the Lord. My mother knew it was good for me and she gave me the blessing to go and she told me that she was very ready if God never let her walk again. That gave me lots of peace.

I left my family and moved to Texas. About 3 to 5 months later, she was able to walk again; her problem seemed to go away and she is currently very healthy. My sister’s getting healthier too. My dad is now retired.

For myself, moving down to Texas is the right decision - my life’s been changed. I kinda understand more about my vocation now.

 

[Nick9]

3 years ago, I left my family to go down to Texas for my vocation (I didn’t know the word “vocation” existed back then ),. My mother was very ill and thought she would be paralyzied for the rest of her life. My only sister living with her got problem with her both hands. My dad was getting old.

that sounds a bit of a predicament you were in.

My vocation was to accept a job offered - nothing to do with religious life;however, I did ask God to grant a job down in Texas where I could be with a special person to worship the Lord. My mother knew it was good for me and she gave me the blessing to go and she told me that she was very ready if God never let her walk again. That gave me lots of peace.

she sounds like a holy woman

I left my family and moved to Texas. About 3 to 5 months later, she was able to walk again; her problem seemed to go away and she is currently very healthy. My sister’s getting healthier too. My dad is now retired.

this is interesting. It seems that you acted on faith, as did your mother, and God rewarded that. That must have increased your faith and hers.

For myself, moving down to Texas is the right decision - my life’s been changed. I kinda understand more about my vocation now.

that is helpful to me, thanks. You acted on your intuition regarding God’s will and took a chance and it paid off.

 

[water]

You broke down my post very well. Thanks! Yes, through those events, God has given me more faith and trust in Him. It is not huge faith but it is certainly better than years ago. I could also see my mother, father, and sister are more devoted to their spiritual lives.

 

[strugglingalong]

I have to say that recently I’ve thought that God may be calling me to a semi-erimetical life or to a cloistered religious life. I’ve thought about leaving my parents, who I am very very close to, and it makes me cry just thinking of it. Honestly, I don’t know if I could do it. I’d have to at least be able to see them once a year or something like that. If it is what God wants me to do, I’ll do it but it’ll be very difficult. I’d rather join a religious order that will allow me to be more able to visit them…

I don’t know how one handles leaving them…

Pax Christi tecum.