Lending money

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90Domer

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Hi Everyone,

I am sure I know the answer to this, but I would still love some feedback.

I have a friend/tax client that raided her retirement account to help her parents out of debt. She did not tell her husband, as she thought it would affect her marriage. Her extra tax on this transaction was $10K. She does not have the $ personally.

She did ask to borrow from me, as she is worried about her husband’s health and the future of her marriage. Even though we have the money to lend her, my husband is coming off a six month layoff. My husband and I have been savers. What concerns me is that this couple makes $200,000 a year and it sounds like they have no savings.

I am a SAHM, so we live on DH’s salary. It was a shock when he got let go, but the company was slowly dying. He has a new and better job, but it is in a dying industry (pharmaceuticals). We have a son with special needs who, thankfully, responded well over the years to therapy and is in Catholic school.

I spoke to my husband. He immediately said he did not want to be complicit in this mess because the husband does not know of this. I agree totally but have a hard time saying no.

Does anyone have any tactful answers?

Thank you.
 
90Domer said** : "I spoke to my husband. He immediately said he did not want to be complicit in this mess… I agree totally but have a hard time saying no.
Does anyone have any tactful answers?**

Gee, Honey, I would like to help you, but my husband said NO.

Neither a Borrower nor a Lender be.

You made your own Bed, now lie in it.

Get a Cash Advance on one of your Credit Cards.
 
Lending money to friends is rarely a good idea. Lending money to friends so that they can lie to their spouse is even worse. Doing so when your spouse told you not to makes things even worse. Tact probably should not be the high priority here.
 
Mightn’t having her as a client and loaning her money be incompatible? It seems like a potential conflict of interest …

Perhaps you might tell her that you care too much for her and her marriage to engage in activity that is likely to make healing more difficult in the long run. An offer of prayer, suggestions for scripting/ role playing discussion with spouse, the contact information of reputable financial counselors and Catholic therapists…I am sure there area many more helpful ideas that are better tailored to her specific problems, but these might be starting places for thinking about options.

I wish you and your friend/client and her husband the best of luck and my prayers are with you all. May God bless you.
 
My staple for this sort of situation is “I’m sorry, I don’t have the money to lend you.” Not much can be said to that.
 
90Domer said:

“I have a friend/tax client that raided her retirement account to help her parents out of debt. She did not tell her husband, as she thought it would affect her marriage. Her extra tax on this transaction was $10K. She does not have the $ personally.”

Oh my goodness.

“She did ask to borrow from me, as she is worried about her husband’s health and the future of her marriage. Even though we have the money to lend her, my husband is coming off a six month layoff. My husband and I have been savers. What concerns me is that this couple makes $200,000 a year and it sounds like they have no savings.”

At their income level and lifestyle, they can probably just sell a car and fix this. Worst case scenario, they can set up some sort of payment plan with the IRS and be out of this in less than a year.

Your friend needs to stop lying to her husband.

“I spoke to my husband. He immediately said he did not want to be complicit in this mess because the husband does not know of this. I agree totally but have a hard time saying no.
Does anyone have any tactful answers?”

I like this one from 4love2God: “Gee, Honey, I would like to help you, but my husband said NO.” Alternately, “I can’t–my husband says no.”

This is the sort of situation where it’s totally OK to use your spouse as the bad cop.

Your friend sounds like trouble.

Good luck!
 
Here’s another one, “I don’t lend money or borrow money.”
 
You are a much more charitable person than me. If I was a SAHM and someone whose income was $200,000/year asked to borrow and enormous sum such as $10,000, my response would be ‘I am offended you even asked’
 
90Domer said:
Hi Everyone,

I am sure I know the answer to this, but I would still love some feedback.

I have a friend/tax client that raided her retirement account to help her parents out of debt. She did not tell her husband, as she thought it would affect her marriage. Her extra tax on this transaction was $10K. She does not have the $ personally.

She did ask to borrow from me, as she is worried about her husband’s health and the future of her marriage. Even though we have the money to lend her, my husband is coming off a six month layoff. My husband and I have been savers. What concerns me is that this couple makes $200,000 a year and it sounds like they have no savings.

I am a SAHM, so we live on DH’s salary. It was a shock when he got let go, but the company was slowly dying. He has a new and better job, but it is in a dying industry (pharmaceuticals). We have a son with special needs who, thankfully, responded well over the years to therapy and is in Catholic school.

I spoke to my husband. He immediately said he did not want to be complicit in this mess because the husband does not know of this. I agree totally but have a hard time saying no.

Does anyone have any tactful answers?

Thank you.
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I think it’s a really bad idea. It seems to be aiding the deceit of your friend. There is a reason their marriage is rocky, likely that this is not the only deception going on.

If for some crazy reason you decide to “loan” the money…only do it if you plan on giving her the money. I can almost guarantee you won’t ever see it again so plan on it being a donation.
 
4love2God said:
90Domer said** : "I spoke to my husband. He immediately said he did not want to be complicit in this mess… I agree totally but have a hard time saying no.
Does anyone have any tactful answers?**

Gee, Honey, I would like to help you, but my husband said NO.

Neither a Borrower nor a Lender be.

You made your own Bed, now lie in it.

Get a Cash Advance on one of your Credit Cards.
Click to expand...
This is a wise response. It seems wrong to be part of a serious deceit against the woman’s husband and her vows. She should immediately tell her husband and accept any disappointment he might express. ( I can imagine my response, that is a lot of money to use even for the benefit of the parents without the respect of consultation and agreement.)

I agree, I would fall back on the refusal of your husband. Men can take being the baddies especially if your own finances are rocky.
 
Thanks for the replies. Funny how being a SAHM taught us to budget carefully on a much lower salary–she makes about what my DH did.w

Yes,I fee I get your points.
 
I am not for lying but in this situation I would just say you don’t have the money to lend. And if you think about it, you really don’t. The money you do have is for you and your child (who needs in for medical reasons)… I would just leave it as that…

If you feel like yo have to explain, (which I don’t think you should) say the layoff took a toll on your family financially and the medical issues with your child adds up quickly.
 
Tell her you just can’t afford it. You say you have the money, but you really don’t, not with your husband coming off a six-month layoff and a special-needs son.

And as someone else said, lending money to a client is SO not a good idea.

In other words,
no no no no no no no no
 
Petaro said:

“( I can imagine my response, that is a lot of money to use even for the benefit of the parents without the respect of consultation and agreement.)”

It’s even worse than you think. The $10k is just the tax penalty on her 401(k) withdrawal. The withdrawal itself was probably considerably bigger. This friend has burned up a whole lot of money.
 
I would say that I don’t think its a good idea to try and trick her husband and leave it at that. I also don’t see how she expects to pay you back.
 
Some people would have no money even if they earned one million dollars a year.

So the answer is, “I’m sorry, we are on a very low income and can barely make ends meet ourselves”.
 
I would go with just telling her your husband said no. Besides, $10,000 is an awful lot of money to most people and if your friend has gone through so much money already, what guarantee do you have that she ill be able to pay it back?
 
Sunbreak said:
I would go with just telling her your husband said no. Besides, $10,000 is an awful lot of money to most people and if your friend has gone through so much money already, what guarantee do you have that she ill be able to pay it back?
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What guarantee that she will not keep asking for more. Does it stop at $10,000? will it be $20,000 tomorrow and $50,000 next week?
 
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