Length of courtship

[mafh]

In a recent Catholic Answers post, the apologist stated that a lady (age 20) who had been dating a gentleman for two years really shouldn’t be in this relationship in the first place since a potential marriage was still a couple years down the road.

This is the post:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=722345

I was really taken aback by this answer. Does Catholicism really frown on long courtships?

I know plenty of people who have successful marriages after brief courtships – my in-laws married after only a couple months of being introduced, for example – but there are also plenty of people, like me, who have long courtships before equally successful marriages. My husband and I dated for 6 years, but this is mostly because we were young (16 and 17 respectively) when we started dating.

So, what do you think? How long was your courtship, and what do you think is the ideal?

 

[EasterJoy]

Catholic teaching does not say that a high schooler can’t have a boy friend because everyone knows the two can’t marry for several years. The Church does not try to keep young people from falling in love and dreaming about marriage long before they’re able to do it, because that’s just impossible. It is the nature of adolescence to dream of adulthood.

The Church does counsel the faithful to keep themselves out of sexually frustrating situations prior to marriage, because they are near occasions of sin, but particularly when marriage is a long way off. In spite of optimistic estimates to the contrary, very few have the ability to resist temptation of that magnitude for any period of time, let alone a long period of time. Those who have that ability usually also have the prudence to avoid the near occasion of sin in the first place! In addition, the ideal is that those who “fall in love”, like everyone else in every other crossroad of life, take an honest look at whether or not the person or choice they are emotionally attracted to is one who is going to help or harm the priority of loving God above all else. No one and nothing is to be chosen over God.

Michelle Arnold saw that this boyfriend was being chosen over the priority to serve God above all things. That is a danger to the soul of the girl friend, she was right about that.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

I think that what Michelle was talking about in the other forum was that the young lady wasn’t financially, spiritually, and mentally ready for marriage - so it was a waste of time at this point in her life to be in a relationship that looks into marriage when she’s not ready for it.

She was saying that if the girl isn’t planning on getting married for a couple of years, she doesn’t need to be shopping when she can’t buy anything. She was also telling the girl that if she isn’t confident that this will be a guy she would marry, she is wasting her time with him in recreational dating because she isn’t ready for marriage.

Per length of courtship, I would prefer a long courtship and a short engagement. How long? Not sure - I think it would vary from couple to couple. But I would want to make sure it was long enough to know the family (becuase I’m marrying into his family and he is marrying into mine). I would also want to make sure it was long enough to go over things like finances, family plans, spiritual growth, future, etc. That way there wouldn’t be things in our marriage which would pop up and we could claim we never knew about.

 

[Bezant]

In a recent Catholic Answers post, the apologist stated that a lady (age 20) who had been dating a gentleman for two years really shouldn’t be in this relationship in the first place since a potential marriage was still a couple years down the road.

This is the post:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=722345

I was really taken aback by this answer. Does Catholicism really frown on long courtships?

I know plenty of people who have successful marriages after brief courtships – my in-laws married after only a couple months of being introduced, for example – but there are also plenty of people, like me, who have long courtships before equally successful marriages. My husband and I dated for 6 years, but this is mostly because we were young (16 and 17 respectively) when we started dating.

So, what do you think? How long was your courtship, and what do you think is the ideal?

Mafh, every case is different and requires different considerations, so we can’t speak of a general “ideal.” However, I do think that “quality over quantity” is an important guiding principle that’s sometimes overlooked. A long engagement can mean a couple is serious about commitment and prepared for marriage – or it can mean you’ve two people who are capable of staying a pointless situation for a long time.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The most important thing is communication. Too many people who want to move forward in marriage end up staying in the same place for years longer than they want to, either because they aren’t sure where their partner stands or its just too convenient. In the case of a long courtship it is absolutely important that you keep checking in with each other to make sure that you are on the same page and looking at the same timeline.

Originally when we started dating my boyfriend and I were both of the mind that if it goes a year and we are happy we will get engaged. Of course this wasn’t signed in blood but it was a tentative plan. Life happened, I got very ill, and finding a decent job after grad school was harder than he thought it would be. But we kept talking, kept sharing our desires and vision for the future, and that kept us from just shrugging off the idea of getting married because it wouldn’t be convenient. We got engaged later than planned, but we were both on the same page the whole time.

 

[Bezant]

The most important thing is communication. Too many people who want to move forward in marriage end up staying in the same place for years longer than they want to, either because they aren’t sure where their partner stands or its just too convenient. In the case of a long courtship it is absolutely important that you keep checking in with each other to make sure that you are on the same page and looking at the same timeline.

Originally when we started dating my boyfriend and I were both of the mind that if it goes a year and we are happy we will get engaged. Of course this wasn’t signed in blood but it was a tentative plan. Life happened, I got very ill, and finding a decent job after grad school was harder than he thought it would be. But we kept talking, kept sharing our desires and vision for the future, and that kept us from just shrugging off the idea of getting married because it wouldn’t be convenient. We got engaged later than planned, but we were both on the same page the whole time.

Good advice. I’ve had to be blunt with friends who bragged that they’ve held it together for three, four, even five years, and yet they can’t explain why they’re in a relationship.

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

To clarify: I said nothing about the length of a courtship. What I said was that anyone who is not prepared to marry for years should not be in a courtship to begin with. Whether or not the courtship is short or long, both parties should be in a position to marry and should be actively discerning marriage. If they have impediments to marriage (e.g., in school, heavy debt, are still minors, etc.), then they are not in a position to be actively discerning marriage and should not be engaging in relationships that have as their purpose to prepare for marriage.

That doesn’t mean that such people cannot date. Dating is helpful for social interaction, making friends, and enjoying another person’s company. It can even help to prepare someone for courtship. But, in my opinion, there is a difference between social dating (which is not exclusive) and courtship (which is exclusive). An exclusive relationship, in which the parties are so established a “couple” that dating anyone else would be a form of cheating, is the kind of relationship I was warning is inappropriate for anyone who is not in a position to be able to marry for years down the road.