Lent and In-Law Issues

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Pinklmnade17

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I have a question for all those out there in Family Life-ville

I had my second child in August. Since said child was 3 days old, we have had no contact with my inlaws. They are a trainwreck (to say the least), and my husband and I could not come to an agreement with his mother as to what our boundaries would be.

My in-laws see this as me, the evil wife, holding their precious son hostage from them (even though he’s done all the talking with them about the issues!) Honestly, they aren’t my favorite people, but I am grown up enough to play nicely 🙂

Our side of the story is that the issues we were having with them were mostly safety or morality related - i.e. taking my toddler out w/o a carseat, smoking while holding my older child (who has asthma), discussing immoral sexual practices at EVERY meal we had (in a way to make them seem funny and/or approved), etc. The list goes on, but since I’m trying to make this brief I’ll hold back.

We were trying to tell my m-i-l that we wanted to have a relationship with them, but if that was going to happen that there were certain boundaries that had to be respected - basically 2 simple rules:
  1. Follow the guidelines we set out for our children, regardless of if you agree with them or not (i.e. we would leave a carseat for my older child, should she need it. M-I-L would decide she didn’t like the carseat, and just not take it)
  2. Respect my husband and I as parents and as adults, and our roles as such. (She would frequently throw hissy fits about the amount of time we spent here, or there, or how we made plans, or question our parenting decisions. We don’t mind hearing another viewpoint, but she would throw the “i’m your mom and you have to obey me” thing in my husband’s face like none other).
Well to make an already long story a little shorter, she did not feel she was doing anything wrong, and refused to apologize or agree to operate a different way… My husband and I had stated that if we couldn’t come to an agreement on the two rules above, we would not be able to (for the safety of our family) have a functioning relationship with her. She stated that she would rather our relationship be severed.

So my quesiton is… I’ve been reading the daily Mass readings since Lent started, all about forgiving one another, living in harmony, etc. etc. My question is, am I “in the wrong” if we don’t make up this Lent? My husband and I have said many times that we are willing to enter into a functioning relationship so long as our 2 basic boundaries are implemented. Is this wrong? It is unjust? On the one hand, we aren’t in accord. On the other, do I sacrifice my children’s physical and moral well-being?

As an aside - my husband’s family is not Catholic. They think our concerns about morality are just being “out of touch” with real life. Their motto is that if they experimented with it, they can’t stop their children from doing the same. 😦

Confused…! Sorry for the long post
 
It sounds to me like your completely on the right track here. We’re kinda going through a much milder but similar situation with my In laws. Don’t worry about sitting a deadline, to work things out. Also make sure you and your husband do agree 100% on the boundaries before you try to reconcile with them.

Have you read the books Boundaries or The Mom Factor? I picked them up a couple weeks ago for me to read. When I was done the The Mom Factor kinda found its way to the bathroom, number one way to get my husband to read anything without having to ask him too 😉 It really helped him identify some issues and be able to see the dysfunction more clearly. We also decided we were going to speak to a local councilor and help us approach the situation with his parents in the most productive functional way.
 
We too are estranged from my in-laws. We had many issues with them - some of which are discussed on these forums. The long and short of it is that they could not recognize my husband as a grown up man. They did not even attend the wedding. Last year when we heard many of the Lenten homilies we thought the same things that you are going through now. We tried. It failed. Sometimes people are toxic to us. My belief is that God does not want us around toxic people any more than He would want us to bathe ourselves in a toxic substance. We can forgive from afar. Forgiveness does not mean that we give permission to do it again or revictimize ourselves.

God Bless,
 
Forgiving someone does NOT have to include having a normal relationship with the other person. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean putting up with their bad behavior. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to trust them.

Think about it this way: A woman who was raped does NOT have to seek out the rapist and try to become friends with him in order to forgive him.

If you can’t trust your inlaws to behave as you have requested around your kids, then you do NOT have to put up with their bad behavior in order to forgive them.
 
…We can forgive from afar. Forgiveness does not mean that we give permission to do it again or revictimize ourselves…
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Good advice! Sounds like the only thing you are really missing in your life w/o in-laws is a lot more conflict. If you don’t miss that, don’t invite it back into your home. Some parents never learn to relinquish control. In those cases it’s just best to step aside than to keep running headlong into a brickwall.
 
Thank you all - I just kept hearing those readings and had that little voice in my head saying “is this you? are you risking not being where you should be with God for this fight?”

And I guess I also felt a little bit guilty. Truthfully, my life is loads easier with them out of it. I dreaded having to be around them or see them for any reason. I know its a little harder on my husband - he sees the dysfunction, but at the end of the day, its still his mom… So I guess my other concern was to make sure I wasn’t just being really selfish, but I also know that our reasons for this separation are legitimate, and concern my children. So the added benefit of not seeing them is just a bonus (wow… that sounds bad… but hopefully you know what I mean)

I still offer Mass and prayer intentions for them and for reconciliation. And I have forgiven them - the emotion I feel toward them most of all is pity. They truly don’t know what they are doing, in their lives or on this planet, and for that they are in my prayers.
 
pumpkinbeast said:
Think about it this way: A woman who was raped does NOT have to seek out the rapist and try to become friends with him in order to forgive him.
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This is a good analogy. We also have a poor relationship with my husband’s parents. We saw them in September and haven’t heard from them since. We have called a number of times and sent Christmas presents. They have not answered the phone. 🤷

I had a priest tell me that as long as I don’t wish them ill or worst, I am fine. I do not have to open my heart to them, so they can beat it up again.

His mother is very controlling. Our guess is that they are upset that we didn’t tell them that my parents may be moving closer to us. But we may never know why they are upset. :confused:
 
Pinklmnade17 said:
Thank you all - I just kept hearing those readings and had that little voice in my head saying “is this you? are you risking not being where you should be with God for this fight?”

And I guess I also felt a little bit guilty. **Truthfully, my life is loads easier with them out of it. I dreaded having to be around them or see them for any reason. **I know its a little harder on my husband - he sees the dysfunction, but at the end of the day, its still his mom… So I guess my other concern was to make sure I wasn’t just being really selfish, but I also know that our reasons for this separation are legitimate, and concern my children. So the added benefit of not seeing them is just a bonus (wow… that sounds bad… but hopefully you know what I mean)

I still offer Mass and prayer intentions for them and for reconciliation. And I have forgiven them - the emotion I feel toward them most of all is pity. They truly don’t know what they are doing, in their lives or on this planet, and for that they are in my prayers.
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I always say that the best thing for my marriage was moving 850 miles. :eek:That put my in-laws a two day drive away. 👍
 
And I guess I also felt a little bit guilty. Truthfully, my life is loads easier with them out of it. I dreaded having to be around them or see them for any reason. I know its a little harder on my husband - he sees the dysfunction, but at the end of the day, its still his mom… So I guess my other concern was to make sure I wasn’t just being really selfish, but I also know that our reasons for this separation are legitimate, and concern my children. So the added benefit of not seeing them is just a bonus (wow… that sounds bad… but hopefully you know what I mean)
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I often found myself wondering what I could do to ease my dh’s suffering. The answer was simple: create his new family environment in such a way to be much more healthy than the one he left when he became one flesh with me.

God bless,
 
I would say take baby steps if you want a limited relationship with them. Make the carseat issue a NON issue by not leaving your toddler with MIL. Instead just have them over for a meal. If they talk crudly nicely say “oh there are little ears at the table lets not talk about that”. If they spend time with you as a family they will get to know your morals and customs and hopefully grow in respect of how you do things. The boundaries can be set by your actions and what you allow to occur during your visits. they will get the hint.

if of course none of that works maybe a relationship with them cant work?
 
I disagree with you using the word “simple”. Your request to your in-laws was anything but “simple” in their eyes…you were requesting them to make a complete personality change and make drastic changes to the way they see and treat their son. The request may seem simple because you are requesting them to behave decently…however look very closely at your request again, they are not very decent people by nature so your request (although understandable) was not simple for them was it?
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I think the problem is that most people do not have a full grasp of the English language. Simple and easy are synonyms but they are not the same. It is very possible for a request to be simple in nature but not easy. Personally I find it simple not to participate in abortion or help fund it however some people find that not to be “easy” in their way of life when faced with the choice.

God bless,
 
I have read the replies above, and I started wondering if some of you would so swiftly dismiss your OWN parents,because of the defects that as humans have.You say you are severing the relation for your children’s sake,( and I suspecta little bit for yours also)But in fact you would be denying your children the enjoyment of a set of grandparents,and denying your husband the right to honor his parents according to God’s Commandment.
My suggestion is closer to what Stayathomemomy says.Christ said that we should be peacemakers.He said to forgive as we will like to be forgiven.He said to throw your stone if you have no faults.
We are talking here about your husband’s parents.The ones that gave him life and maybe nurtured in him the qualities that made you fall in love with him.The ones that,just like you love your little ones,they gave years of love and care to your spouse.They may have even paid for the studies that gained him the job that supports you and your kids now.

My advise is this :take little steps towards reconciliation.
After each small step, asses the situation and see how far you are willing to go.Set your rules firmly. But not to seeing them any more would be in my opinion a mistake.Your husband may feel remorse in the future.You may be giving your children an example of intolerance.
One day you will be a mother in law,and would be devastated if any of your children did
not give you a chance to partake,even in small measure in their lives.
Have an Easter full of love.
 
Two of my daughters are married, one with two kids.
During the weddings, the priests reminded us of two becoming one and that they cut their ties with their parents to become a family of their own.

I spent four weeks at my eldest daughter’s home - while there, I was their guest in their home. I was treated as a senior family member welcome to their home and I abided by their rules and customs.

Any interference in their home would drive a wedge between them and I would not wish that.

They have raised their kids in such a way that they radiate love.
How can I do anything but admire their efforts.

I agree with the on post that suggested that the couple limit the interaction so the mil cannot have the child in her car as she refuses to use a safety-seat. Also limiting the conversation at meals would help. Your in-laws must respect and obey your decisions as you are responsible for your offspring, not them!
 
I have read the replies above, and I started wondering if some of you would so swiftly dismiss your OWN parents,because of the defects that as humans have.You say you are severing the relation for your children’s sake,( and I suspecta little bit for yours also)But in fact you would be denying your children the enjoyment of a set of grandparents,and denying your husband the right to honor his parents according to God’s Commandment.
My suggestion is closer to what Stayathomemomy says.Christ said that we should be peacemakers.He said to forgive as we will like to be forgiven.He said to throw your stone if you have no faults.
We are talking here about your husband’s parents.The ones that gave him life and maybe nurtured in him the qualities that made you fall in love with him.The ones that,just like you love your little ones,they gave years of love and care to your spouse.They may have even paid for the studies that gained him the job that supports you and your kids now.
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I think part of the issue here that the OP is having is that while they have been willing to take small steps her in-laws have not. My dh and I have discussed the same thing. Had my parents acted in the same way his parents did then yes I would have had to cut ties with them if they were not willing to make those steps with us to reconciliation. It would not have been easy but it would have been necessary. There will come a time where we may adopt and I believe keeping my child away from people that will damage his or her spirituality is part of my vocation as a parent according to the commandments and the CCC. I believe while the OP is making some hard choices with her dh she is making the right ones.

God bless,
 
Pinklmnade17 said:
So my quesiton is… I’ve been reading the daily Mass readings since Lent started, all about forgiving one another, living in harmony, etc. etc. My question is, am I “in the wrong” if we don’t make up this Lent? My husband and I have said many times that we are willing to enter into a functioning relationship so long as our 2 basic boundaries are implemented. Is this wrong? It is unjust? On the one hand, we aren’t in accord. On the other, do I sacrifice my children’s physical and moral well-being?

As an aside - my husband’s family is not Catholic. They think our concerns about morality are just being “out of touch” with real life. Their motto is that if they experimented with it, they can’t stop their children from doing the same. 😦

Confused…! Sorry for the long post
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Haha, I don’t live with my mother anymore, but she still (sometimes) throws the “I’m your mother, obey” argument.:rolleyes: Bless her.

You and your husband are obliged to protect your children, and keeping them away from his mother is the right thing to do, since she’s determined to raise *your *children *her *way, which happens to be the sinful way. Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to be friends.

Christ said [NAB Mt 10: 34- 37]

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth. I have come to bring not peace but the sword. For I have come to set a man ‘against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one’s enemies will be those of his household.’ Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me;”

She has no business telling you how to raise your children, and you’re obliged to look after their wellbeing. You and your husband will be held accountable for their upbringing, and if they go down the path to hell because you chose the “nice” but sinful path, you will have to give an account. This isn’t a reprimand (sorry, I know it sounds like it) but (God willing) encouragment to remain faithful to what you know to be true.

If she says that she’ll abide by your rules with your children, and she doesn’t, that’s it. Supervised visits only. I’ll pray for you, God Bless.
 
I just wanted to pop in again and offer a bit more info to this specific situation… and maybe I need correction on this, but its how I see the situation…

My children cannot enjoy people who consistently threaten their health and physically take them away from me so that they can enforce their own set of rules. We’re talking gave my child pneumonia a few weeks before my 2nd child was born (they had it, we asked them to stay away, they came over anyway), so here I am, hugely pregnant trying to nurse my baby who is seriously ill, all the while hoping and praying I don’t get it and risk the health of my unborn baby.

So I guess, the answer to Tamsulosin, I would absolutely cut off my own family for this kind of behavior. I know that his mom isn’t my mom, and I don’t expect them to operate the same way - they will always be their own people, maybe a little cruder than I expect them to be, and I respect that. My grandparents were different as night and day as far as their personalities went - but the one thing that they had in common was that they respected my parents as my parents… and their rules were law.

I don’t stop my husband from seeing them, but he doesn’t want to much these days. As he grows deeper in faith, he’s realizing that parents who bought him porn and condoms at 12-13 as his “sexual education” didn’t do much as far as nurturing him.
 
I am in a very similar situation to yours with my in-laws and during Lent I have also felt the same way as you. But I have tried so many times over the years to make peace with my IL’s and it never worked and then I realized that it never would because THEY didn’t want it to.

I apologized for things I shouldn’t have, bent over backwards to include them in our lives and tried to ignore all their nasty comments. But when they kept over-stepping bounderies and undermining us as parents I just couldn’t tolerate it anymore.

Now we don’t have contact with them but I pray for them all the time (especially during Lent) and if THEY approach us about reconcilliation and agree to treat our family with respect then I will welcome them with open arms. That is all I can offer.

I think you’re doing the right thing for your family.
 
Pinklmnade17 said:
I just wanted to pop in again and offer a bit more info to this specific situation… and maybe I need correction on this, but its how I see the situation…

My children cannot enjoy people who consistently threaten their health and physically take them away from me so that they can enforce their own set of rules. We’re talking gave my child pneumonia a few weeks before my 2nd child was born (they had it, we asked them to stay away, they came over anyway), so here I am, hugely pregnant trying to nurse my baby who is seriously ill, all the while hoping and praying I don’t get it and risk the health of my unborn baby.

So I guess, the answer to Tamsulosin, I would absolutely cut off my own family for this kind of behavior. I know that his mom isn’t my mom, and I don’t expect them to operate the same way - they will always be their own people, maybe a little cruder than I expect them to be, and I respect that. My grandparents were different as night and day as far as their personalities went - but the one thing that they had in common was that they respected my parents as my parents… and their rules were law.

I don’t stop my husband from seeing them, but he doesn’t want to much these days. As he grows deeper in faith, he’s realizing that parents who bought him porn and condoms at 12-13 as his “sexual education” didn’t do much as far as nurturing him.
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Keep praying for them, and know that your first priorities are to your husband, and to your innocent and defenseless little ones. You have excellent sensibilities; don’t doubt your instincts in this, as you are right.

God Bless.
 
Sorry to bring all this up again, I was just looking for a bit of advice for a new development.

My husband’s grandmother got drunk and called him last night. She spent 30 minutes on the phone with him telling him that he’d ruined her life and she didn’t even want to live anymore because of him. She cursed at him, she told him he was not the person she had given her “heart, mind and soul to.” (His family is prone to hyperbole, as you can tell)

His mom had told her mother (the one who was calling) some lies about my husband, and so grandma was accusing him of all that stuff, and she kept reiterating, “You need to go look in the mirror and decide who you really are. We aren’t changing and we never will. When I die, which could be tomorrow, don’t even bother coming to my funeral.” and so forth… so finally my husband just said “your problem is that I am not obedient to you anymore.” and she said “Thank you, I’m glad you finally said it. You aren’t obedient to us according to your wife.” (not sure where I come into it, but hey, she was drunk.)

I am so clouded by my anger and indignation that I am afraid I will do something rash. The correct action for this situation is to not say anything, right?? And pray?
 
You are dealing with some very sad, disfunctional people. If you need to vent I would write a letter and say everything that it is in your heart -and then I would throw it out. Nothing you can say to them will change their behavior. If this should happen again your husband should cut the conversation short saying he’s not going to conduct a conversation with an intoxicated person. And I would keep any contact with these toxic people to as minimal as possible. Even if she was to talking to this way sober, he should realize he does not have to keep talking to someone who is abusive as soon as she gets ugly it’s time to stop the conversation otherwise you just feed these people’s illness.

I recommend a book by Gergory Popcak called “God Help Me, These People are Driving Me Nuts”, its very helpful in dealing with such people and developing healthy boundries.
amazon.com/Help-These-People-Driving-Nuts/dp/0829415580
 
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