Let it go

  • Thread starter Thread starter PelagiathePenit
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
P

PelagiathePenit

Guest
I still stuck on a falling out with a former close friend. What annoys me the most she takes no responsibility for the situation. Everything is mine gault. I will be honest and say the things she pointed out about me are 100% correct. I just do not see how everything has become my fault. According to her she did nothing wrong. Not just this I have been reflecting on my life. I am only in my 20s but I feel so much remorse and regret for all the things I have said and done. But you cannot turn back time. I always feel foolish because I can be way too emotionally invested in something. I cannot defend myself verbally so it is very easy to push all the blame on me. What to do?
 
How is her wanting to blame you and different form you not wanting any of the blame?
You’re caught in a circle.
Exit the circle. Step far back from the situation, make some fresh friends, and give her a “how are you doing?” call in 6-8 months. If she wants to reconnect great. If not, accept it.
Part of genuine remorse is acceptance, and moving forward. You’re not moving forward. Wallowing in unhappiness is not healthy. Make a concerted effort to be kinder, more forgiving, and open with new friends. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, Get involved in your parish and meet LOTS of different people All ages. Do for others, and you’ll find lots of people inviting you to functions, dinner, lunch, coffee.
But let her go. She’s still clearly upset with you. If you apologized, move on.
You can’t make anyone treat you a certain way, but we inadvertently teach people how to treat us. I suspect she’s picking up your “I’m such an awful person” and readily chiming in.
If you have confessed all wrongdoing, forgive yourself and be a child of God. Get on with it already.
 
pianistclare said:
How is her wanting to blame you and different form you not wanting any of the blame?
You’re caught in a circle.
Exit the circle. Step far back from the situation, make some fresh friends, and give her a “how are you doing?” call in 6-8 months. If she wants to reconnect great. If not, accept it.
Part of genuine remorse is acceptance, and moving forward. You’re not moving forward. Wallowing in unhappiness is not healthy. Make a concerted effort to be kinder, more forgiving, and open with new friends. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, Get involved in your parish and meet LOTS of different people All ages. Do for others, and you’ll find lots of people inviting you to functions, dinner, lunch, coffee.
But let her go. She’s still clearly upset with you. If you apologized, move on.
You can’t make anyone treat you a certain way, but we inadvertently teach people how to treat us. I suspect she’s picking up your “I’m such an awful person” and readily chiming in.
If you have confessed all wrongdoing, forgive yourself and be a child of God. Get on with it already.
Click to expand...
👍

Move on. You know it’s a waste of time arguing with her, so why bother?

Remember to forgive yourself. It’s not a bad thing to push past regrets and mistakes. But you have to do it. Your friend won’t pull you through them, neither can we at CAF. You need to forgive yourself.

Lou
 
pianistclare said:
How is her wanting to blame you and different form you not wanting any of the blame?
You’re caught in a circle.
Exit the circle. Step far back from the situation, make some fresh friends, and give her a “how are you doing?” call in 6-8 months. If she wants to reconnect great. If not, accept it.
Part of genuine remorse is acceptance, and moving forward. You’re not moving forward. Wallowing in unhappiness is not healthy. Make a concerted effort to be kinder, more forgiving, and open with new friends. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, Get involved in your parish and meet LOTS of different people All ages. Do for others, and you’ll find lots of people inviting you to functions, dinner, lunch, coffee.
But let her go. She’s still clearly upset with you. If you apologized, move on.
You can’t make anyone treat you a certain way, but we inadvertently teach people how to treat us. I suspect she’s picking up your “I’m such an awful person” and readily chiming in.
If you have confessed all wrongdoing, forgive yourself and be a child of God. Get on with it already.
Click to expand...
I think you are right that she picks up on I am so awful vibe. If I apologize to her, she will make the whole thing my fault. I have apologized to her for past misunderstandings and conflict - quickly everything becomes my fault. It is difficult to apologize or admit you are wrong before her.
 
PelagiathePenit said:
I think you are right that she picks up on I am so awful vibe. If I apologize to her, she will make the whole thing my fault. I have apologized to her for past misunderstandings and conflict - quickly everything becomes my fault. It is difficult to apologize or admit you are wrong before her.
Click to expand...
So walk away. Don’t spend any more time with someone who treats you badly and takes advantage of you. There are people who won’t treat you like this. You have to move away from unhealthy relationships and focus on finding new friends. You deserve more - never settle for being treated this way because you are worth more. Forgive yourself.

Lou
 
Lou2U said:
So walk away. Don’t spend any more time with someone who treats you badly and takes advantage of you. There are people who won’t treat you like this. You have to move away from unhealthy relationships and focus on finding new friends. You deserve more - never settle for being treated this way because you are worth more. Forgive yourself.

Lou
Click to expand...
Definitely. Thanks
 
PelagiathePenit said:
I still stuck on a falling out with a former close friend. What annoys me the most she takes no responsibility for the situation. Everything is mine gault. I will be honest and say the things she pointed out about me are 100% correct. I just do not see how everything has become my fault. According to her she did nothing wrong. Not just this I have been reflecting on my life. I am only in my 20s but I feel so much remorse and regret for all the things I have said and done. But you cannot turn back time. I always feel foolish because I can be way too emotionally invested in something. I cannot defend myself verbally so it is very easy to push all the blame on me. What to do?
Click to expand...
I was/am in a similar situation. We (my “sister of the heart” and I) both made mistakes: I own mine, she refuses to take responsiablity. In the years since this went down, I have realized a few things:
  1. Honesty with oneself: did I or did I not act in error? Admit the truth to yourself.
  2. Honesty with others: own the mistakes you do make, but do not falsely confess to things you did not do (even when a “friend” demands it).
  3. A good friend is likewise honest with themselves and others.
  4. Sometimes people don’t want to be honest with themselves or others. Perhaps they are insecure and fear the fall out if they admitted truth. This is their weakness, and we must forgive them for it.
  5. While we should always forgive an untruthful person, that does not mean we are forced to stand there and listen to their falsehoods. If a person falsely blames you for something you are not obligated to sit there and listen to them-- walk away. Yes, this may put distance between the two of you. (And yes, you will want to verbally lash out with truth at them… but if a person is not ready for truth, your words will only fall on deaf ears).
  6. Do not stop your journey of truth because somebody else did. If a person refuses to walk in truth with you, then you move on and keep walking. Yes you will miss them. Horribly so. But your walk must go on.
  7. Truth always wins… eventually. Eventually your friend will come to see the truth and walk down that road. That eventually may be a judgement day, but it will happen. In the meantime, you can only keep walking.
 
jane_doe said:
I was/am in a similar situation. We (my “sister of the heart” and I) both made mistakes: I own mine, she refuses to take responsiablity. In the years since this went down, I have realized a few things:
  1. Honesty with oneself: did I or did I not act in error? Admit the truth to yourself.
  2. Honesty with others: own the mistakes you do make, but do not falsely confess to things you did not do (even when a “friend” demands it).
  3. A good friend is likewise honest with themselves and others.
  4. Sometimes people don’t want to be honest with themselves or others. Perhaps they are insecure and fear the fall out if they admitted truth. This is their weakness, and we must forgive them for it.
  5. While we should always forgive an untruthful person, that does not mean we are forced to stand there and listen to their falsehoods. If a person falsely blames you for something you are not obligated to sit there and listen to them-- walk away. Yes, this may put distance between the two of you. (And yes, you will want to verbally lash out with truth at them… but if a person is not ready for truth, your words will only fall on deaf ears).
  6. Do not stop your journey of truth because somebody else did. If a person refuses to walk in truth with you, then you move on and keep walking. Yes you will miss them. Horribly so. But your walk must go on.
  7. Truth always wins… eventually. Eventually your friend will come to see the truth and walk down that road. That eventually may be a judgement day, but it will happen. In the meantime, you can only keep walking.
Click to expand...
Awww. Number 5 and 6 are the most difficult. You cannot change anyone. I have to admit the truth to myself as well. Number 1 is pretty difficult too. As is number 4. I do have a tendency to confess up to things I did not do to avoid conflict. That has backfired. I apologized because my friend demanded one from me, not because I sincerely felt guilty. I feel she wields power over me because sooner or later I will eventually give in to her ways. This time is no.
 
PelagiathePenit said:
Awww. Number 5 and 6 are the most difficult. You cannot change anyone. I have to admit the truth to myself as well. Number 1 is pretty difficult too. As is number 4. I do have a tendency to confess up to things I did not do to avoid conflict. That has backfired. I apologized because my friend demanded one from me, not because I sincerely felt guilty. I feel she wields power over me because sooner or later I will eventually give in to her ways. This time is no.
Click to expand...
I could have written this exact response over my friend- and we “broke up” over 6 years ago! Yes, it is HARD. If she’s bullying to have you confess to things you didn’t do… that points to a very deep insecurity in her, and a lack of trust/respect she feels towards you. And you caving in to it is just going to feed that horrible cycle.
 
jane_doe said:
I could have written this exact response over my friend- and we “broke up” over 6 years ago! Yes, it is HARD. If she’s bullying to have you confess to things you didn’t do… that points to a very deep insecurity in her, and a lack of trust/respect she feels towards you. And you caving in to it is just going to feed that horrible cycle.
Click to expand...
remember all the good times to forgive. I did not see her demanding an apology as a weakness. I guess I just have to move forward
 
I think I will always miss the good and fun parts of our friendship. It sucks she sees me as the perpetrator. I love her and well goodbye
 
You still have your youth.

Sadly, as life goes on, everybody sees that losing friendships for whatever reason, including situations our mistakes have created, is a part of life. To plagiarize the Carpenters, “chalk this one down to experience, and get on the road again.”

You have my condolences. God bless, and ICXC NIKA
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top