Letting Go- Advice Sorely Needed

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My ex girlfriend Olivia and I are still talking, even though we broke up in October of 2011. We were in a very long-distance relationship (Ohio- Mexico). I wanted to still be her friend because I knew it would hurt her to just break things off, and I was hoping she’d slowly realize I wasn’t the man for her and would find someone.

But that didn’t happen…over the past year and a half we’ve been OK as friends but every once in a while she’ll get upset at me if she sees me talking to someone on Facebook. And I just can’t stand that stuff.

She told me Sunday that she’s never been friends with her ex boyfriends and that she can’t be mine. I said OK. I understood. And I told her I really cared about her, and that the only thing I want is her happiness. I thought this was a sign that finally we would go our separate ways.

But then, once again, she writes me today and acts like nothing is wrong. When confronted, she told me she couldn’t stop writing me. I am in complete agony, because I don’t want to tell her once and for all to stop writing me, but on the other hand I know that she still loves me and keeps me in her world to torture herself- either in hoping for a relationship or by conjuring up all of these things I might or might not be doing.

I tried to explain to her that this is unhealthy, and that my staying with her would hurt her, because she deserves a man that loves her as much as she loves. I was with her for 2 years, I flew to Mexico five times. From the beginning I didn’t feel comfortable with her, but I was open to it because I had never been in a relationship before and thought maybe as we knew each other better I might develop some chemistry. I never did.

Even her mother wondered why we didn’t talk, lol.

This absolutely breaks my heart because she has dedicated her life to me. It is too much. Way too much for me. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for God to help her, I’ve prayed for her happiness. I spent two months doing this every day with various novenas…

I am not meant to be with anyone right now, maybe not ever, but Olivia is, I know this. But because she is 40 now she thinks she’ll never be married and most certainly won’t have children. And I feel like I’m to blame.

I just hate feeling like her happiness depends solely on me…I don’t know what to do. And I am telling you because there are no women in my life to tell, except my niece, who has no moral center and tells me just to ignore her, lol.

How can I not hurt her feelings? How can I make her see that this can’t work? How do I not devastate her? What can I do?

Thanks for your help…
 
Hello,
I never venture too far from prayer intention forums and am not real sure how I ended up reading this post, but here goes my advice. I firmly believe that being honest with her is the best advice. Truth is not promised to be easy. In fact, honesty tends to sting. We live in a society in which we try to mask pain and fill the reality for short term pleasures. It is necessary for her to hear how you feel. Putting in gently is always kinder to do, but if she doesn’t seem to understand and see the big picture, then unfortunately you are dealing with someone that has a difficult time dealing with reality. Certainly, she does not want a man that does not want her. Her sorrow will not change your heart on how you feel about her in an intimate way. You did your part by trying to remain friends and giving an opportunity for her to let go. If she does not accept your honesty and respect it, then she really is the one with the issue to deal with. As long as you are not leading her on, she should see the truth and manage to move on. Marriage and/or children will be provided for her on God’s time and with God’s plan if it’s his will. God Bless on that situation.

Long distance relationships have always boggled my mind somewhat. I have a hard enough time dealing with people up close and personal much less miles and miles away. It amazes me how people manage them.
I will pray for you and your situation and that you and her will find peace with this very soon.

God Bless.🙂
 
Thank you. I was honest with her from the beginning, but I made the mistake of wanting to be her friend, and that is impossible unless both realize it cannot work. And even then not very often.

She knows it too…she leaves, but then comes back. It is so hard for her, and if I could take it away I could. I know I’m prolonging the torture for her, so I will tell her, firmly but compassionately that it is over.

I want her to find her husband, and she won’t this way.

Thank you- Norm
 
Unfortunately, failed relationships are a part of life, and if you are 100% sure that she is not The One for you, then you must do the right thing and let her go. Of course you will hurt her, that cannot be avoided, but the longer you wait, the worse it will be, and the longer it will take her to get over it and find someone else. It’s best to do it as gently, but as firmly as possible and make it a clean break, no phone calls, no email, no text, no twitter, no facebook, etc… Your neice was 1/2 right, break up for good and then do not respond to any of her attempts to reconnect or communicate.
 
I have OCD, which is the “doubting disease”, so I’m never sure of anything. I just know that when I was with her physically I felt nothing. I didn’t feel close to her at all. And that is why I broke up with her after 2 years. And I was honest and compassionate with her.

I was hoping she would see the wisdom of my choice, but it has actually entrenched her position. I made a mistake. The fact that I hate to hurt people is probably the reason why I will never marry. I hate it.

Thank you for your advice.
 
I have found that friendships with ex’s are more rare, not impossible but the cards have to fall just right on both parties for a friendship to continue. Typically, there is either tension or hurt that people tend to avoid afterwards. Being that she still has feelings for you on a more than friendly basis, it is obvious with her jealous reaction to you speaking with someone on facebook, going separate ways may be the more healthy choice. And it is hard and challenging when you still have feelings and see another moving on with their lives. Hope all works out for you and her.
Take Care.
 
Re:MonicaD …no, I agree with you. Part of me thinks I’ve kept her in my life because it is safe and I won’t be more lonely without her. I did try the 100% breakup thing in October of 2011…but she kept talking to me and I didn’t want to tell her (again) it was over…I just wanted God to kind of step in and help persuade Olivia through prayer …but maybe this is His way.

Thank you for your kind words.
 
Some couples who break up really can be friends. It looks like this will not work for your ex, however-- she’s not able to just be friends right now, even if you are. I would recommend, therefore, that you give her a clean break. Yes, it will hurt; yes, you both suffer a loss. But it seems the right thing to do for both your sakes. Do the right thing. 🙂
 
Unrequited love is always painful for both people involved. If you truly in your heart do not love her or feel that she is the one for you to marry, then you need to let her go so that she can find and share her hopes and dreams with the person God intended for her. She deserves someone whom will take care of her and love her with all his heart.
You need to be decisive, it is unfair on her for you to lead her on. You already know that she holds hope for reconciliation.
It appears that she may have some underlying obsessive issues, perhaps breaking off contact completely is what it will take for her to move on.
If she attempts to contact you, you must be strong and remain silent. Your weakness will give her false hope cause her pain in the long run and this situation will just drag longer and longer. Like the saying goes “you need to be cruel to be kind”. In this case, cutting off contact may sound cruel but the bigger picture is it will allow her to move on… move on to a life of happiness with the person God intended for her… this is the kindness you can offer her.
2 years is a long time to be with someone whom you do not feel a chemistry with or connection with… a one sided relationship. It sounds like during this time she has become very attached to you.
She may be having trouble letting go because it seems that she has invested so much time and energy into your relationship that the thought of letting go and starting all over again with someone else is just unbearable.
It is really important that you do not just disappear from her life without any warning. Communication is the key. You need to be upfront and honest, yet firm with her, tell her why you need to leave. She must understand why you cannot be together. Because if you do not tell her the reasons, she will be left wondering,confused and wait for you, again dragging the situation longer.
i apologise if my words sound harsh, but as someone whom this has happened to before, i feel that this is the most appropriate course of action that allows the least hurt in the long run. Continue to pray for her happiness. I hope this has been some help to you.
Be blessed. LBT
 
Finish it today. End all contact with her. Push past your own emotions. Do not give her any hope for any relations with you in the future. Be a strong, Godly man and remain committed this time. Do not read her emails. Do not answer her phone calls. Do not read her texts. Do what is necessary to shut down the Facebook link. Do not reply in any manner. If she persists, you will have to take more extreme measures. End it. End it. End it.
 
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