Letting Go Dilemma

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Cecilia_Newman

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Desperately need advice. Will try to be brief. Married over 20 years ago in a civil ceremony followed by an Anglican church blessing (both baptised Church of England but I was not practising and husband was an atheist so he did not want a church wedding). Years passed with their ups and downs. Did many social activities together but I felt my husband to be very controlling and possessive combined with difficulties expressing his emotions. I think he had had some childhood trauma, particularly regarding his mother (who had a brain tumour and was an invalid when I first met her after we were married; my husband did not tell his parents of our marriage plans) and has a fear of being abandoned. No children (did not try).

To put it delicately, husband had voyeuristic tendencies which so upset me that one day I felt the urge to rush to my local Anglican cathedral. To cut things short, I was received into the Roman Catholic church at Easter 2010. Husband not pleased when I went to RCIA classes but usually wished me an enjoyable time. He would not come to support me at the Easter Vigil and then refused to sleep in the same bedroom or have marital relations. My priest suggested I saw a Catholic marriage guidance counsellor. She thought my husband might be autistic. Upshot was I reluctantly filed for divorce (had assumed would have just a few sessions covering his reaction to my conversion, but went for over a year). Husband did not react emotionally but was very difficult regarding financial issues, even after mediation. I had moved to another property we owned nearby and still see my husband at social events where we generally get on well (have not informed people of our situation). I am painfully aware of areas and times in our marriage where I have failed, so please do not think that my husband is entirely at fault.

After 18 months, time came for me to sign the final divorce papers. At mediation, husband had said that marriage was for life and I felt pressurised because of the Catholic attitude to the sanctity of marriage, so I went away for a week or so to think things over. I fell down and injured my knee whilst away and am waiting for a scan. Since my return, my husband has been very helpful, even driving me to Mass and other church events. This evening, I plucked up enough courage to ask him if I should go ahead with signing the papers. He said he had been waiting for me to ask this but he had negative views about me because of initiating the divorce and of the nature of the financial settlement. He said that he had adjusted to being on his own surprisingly quickly and was enjoying his greater independence and it was up to me to suggest how remaining married would work. He pointed out that it would prevent him forming a new relationship in future (something I would not be able to do and remain in full communion with the church). There was a coldness about him; no obvious signs of affection. However, I am finding it so hard to let go.
 
I went to counselling on my own. When I suggested it in the past (before I converted), my husband’s attitude was that I could go on my own if I wished, we should be able to resolve problems between ourselves.
 
Cecilia_Newman said:
There was a coldness about him; no obvious signs of affection. However, I am finding it so hard to let go.
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This feels pretty bad. I know that’s not a very concrete thing to say. Thing is: I’m pretty sure you can get an annulment. And I’m also pretty sure, after you walk away, in a relatively brief amount of time, you’ll be really glad about it. He doesn’t love you and this power trip and manipulation is just a subtle abuse, IMO.

Run, don’t walk to the post office and send in those signed papers. Then tell everyone you know. If he ever wants to be with you and pursue you and be your husband, he can do that sometime and marry you in the Church. Meanwhile, by a backscratcher and have fun learning about living on your own.
 
How about you wait a bit in terms of signing those papers? You have waited for 18 months for them, so no rush. See if his good behaviour is just manipulation or a true change of heart. If he is willing to go to marriage councelling then see what comes out of that. In the end, you will know what to do because he can’t fake it forever. I’m also guessing that deep down you already know the answer to your question. Don’t ignore that. Speak to a priest in any case, that is really important. God bless.
 
The grounds for divorce were emotional abuse. Felt I was treading on eggshells. He would ‘disassociate’ himself from people. Very controlling over finance etc. Would rarely make the first move physically or after a disagreement. Could sulk for days or weeks (and actually sit motionless for hours sometimes). Seems to find it hard to forgive. I realise it was stupid of me, but I ended up paying financial compensation (actual or on paper) if I upset him etc. etc. Won’t go to the doctor - blames me. Yet he has a positive side: we are not stretched financially, he is reliable, rarely drinks, can be good to be with socially (e.g. rambling, folk dancing, travelling).

The solicitors are threatening to ask him to take the settlement to court (with great financial costs) if I don’t respond within the next week or so.
 
Cecilia_Newman said:
The solicitors are threatening to ask him to take the settlement to court (with great financial costs) if I don’t respond within the next week or so.
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Yes, he is abusive. Why is it okay to allow yourself to be abused just because he doesn’t abuse you worse than he does? Sign. Be free. Find out what it’s like to live free of this. Stay away from him afterwards.
 
Trouble is we attend many of the same social functions e.g. the dancing we do is specialised so not easy to avoid him. It would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face if I stopped going.

Also, what do I say to people who know us both, if I do go through with the divorce?
 
Cecilia_Newman said:
Trouble is we attend many of the same social functions e.g. the dancing we do is specialised so not easy to avoid him. It would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face if I stopped going.

Also, what do I say to people who know us both, if I do go through with the divorce?
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You can go, just avoid him. To people who know you, who ask, you say, “We’re divorced.” If they are so rude as to ask why or what happened you say, “It’s nothing I care to discuss, really. So how are you doing?”

And BTW, there are other things to become involved in and other people to do them with. You’ll see. In a year you’ll wonder what took you so long to get out. You have not a single thing to be embarrassed about.
 
Thanks for people’s (name removed by moderator)ut, particularly Julia Mae for continuing to respond to my posts. Will see my priest and pray.
 
I have no advice for you, but for some reason, I really feel your conflicted emotions in your post.

I wish you and pray for you complete peace, whatever you decide. I pray that you will be true to Church teaching with respect to your separation and the dissolution of the marriage if that’s what you decide and I believe that you will have peace if you are kind, gentle and adherent to our faith.
 
Cecilia_Newman said:
Desperately need advice. Will try to be brief. Married over 20 years ago in a civil ceremony followed by an Anglican church blessing (both baptised Church of England but I was not practising and husband was an atheist so he did not want a church wedding). Years passed with their ups and downs. Did many social activities together but I felt my husband to be very controlling and possessive combined with difficulties expressing his emotions. I think he had had some childhood trauma, particularly regarding his mother (who had a brain tumour and was an invalid when I first met her after we were married; my husband did not tell his parents of our marriage plans) and has a fear of being abandoned. No children (did not try).

To put it delicately, husband had voyeuristic tendencies which so upset me that one day I felt the urge to rush to my local Anglican cathedral. To cut things short, I was received into the Roman Catholic church at Easter 2010. Husband not pleased when I went to RCIA classes but usually wished me an enjoyable time. He would not come to support me at the Easter Vigil and then refused to sleep in the same bedroom or have marital relations. My priest suggested I saw a Catholic marriage guidance counsellor. She thought my husband might be autistic. Upshot was I reluctantly filed for divorce (had assumed would have just a few sessions covering his reaction to my conversion, but went for over a year). Husband did not react emotionally but was very difficult regarding financial issues, even after mediation. I had moved to another property we owned nearby and still see my husband at social events where we generally get on well (have not informed people of our situation). I am painfully aware of areas and times in our marriage where I have failed, so please do not think that my husband is entirely at fault.

After 18 months, time came for me to sign the final divorce papers. At mediation, husband had said that marriage was for life and I felt pressurised because of the Catholic attitude to the sanctity of marriage, so I went away for a week or so to think things over. I fell down and injured my knee whilst away and am waiting for a scan. Since my return, my husband has been very helpful, even driving me to Mass and other church events. This evening, I plucked up enough courage to ask him if I should go ahead with signing the papers. He said he had been waiting for me to ask this but he had negative views about me because of initiating the divorce and of the nature of the financial settlement. He said that he had adjusted to being on his own surprisingly quickly and was enjoying his greater independence and it was up to me to suggest how remaining married would work. He pointed out that it would prevent him forming a new relationship in future (something I would not be able to do and remain in full communion with the church). There was a coldness about him; no obvious signs of affection. However, I am finding it so hard to let go.
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Saw my husband today to try to talk things over. He was in denial about several things e.g. not wanting a physical relationship with me, not dissasociating from my mother for a time, said I didn’t ask him to attend my reception into the church… but I tend to make a note of what he says: is it possible that I misread/misremember so much? If someone is angry, do they not realise what they have said?

Said he would consider counselling if it could be done quickly. Said we could possibly build on giving each other more freedom (he seems to be enjoying having his own home and being able to do what he wants when he wants, said he got used to being on his own very quickly).

I just feel that I have been a terrible wife, and many of his problems have gone because I have gone (e.g. going into what I can only call a catatonic state when upset).

He said that he is being helpful at the moment because we are still married, but he does not know how he will relate to me once the divorce is finalised.

I admit that I have little experience of men in general (no male relatives now, only one boyfriend prior to meeting my husband); do they have a different mindset to women?

But I still feel awful that I initiated the divorce.

Don’t know what to do!
 
Cecilia_Newman said:
Saw my husband today to try to talk things over. He was in denial about several things e.g. not wanting a physical relationship with me, not dissasociating from my mother for a time, said I didn’t ask him to attend my reception into the church… but I tend to make a note of what he says: is it possible that I misread/misremember so much? If someone is angry, do they not realise what they have said?

Said he would consider counselling if it could be done quickly. Said we could possibly build on giving each other more freedom (he seems to be enjoying having his own home and being able to do what he wants when he wants, said he got used to being on his own very quickly).

**I just feel that I have been a terrible wife, and many of his problems have gone because I have gone (e.g. going into what I can only call a catatonic state when upset).
**
He said that he is being helpful at the moment because we are still married, but he does not know how he will relate to me once the divorce is finalised.

I admit that I have little experience of men in general (no male relatives now, only one boyfriend prior to meeting my husband); do they have a different mindset to women?

But I still feel awful that I initiated the divorce.

Don’t know what to do!
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His problems are not your fault! The way you describe him, he’s anti-social and of course he’d be more comfortable living on his own, with no one to answer to!

Do you mean he said he would be open to reconciling through a counselor? Or just improving your relationship once you are divorced?

It sounds like a painful relationship to be in. I don’t know that you should try to go back to it. Are you in counseling at present?
 
Dear RealJuliane

Thanks for replying.

He said he might be open to reconciling through a counsellor, before finalising the divorce (though I had to wait several weeks before seeing a counsellor myself). I saw a counseloor for over a year - until she retired - I finished a year last October, so haven’t seen anyone recently.
 
Cecilia_Newman said:
Dear RealJuliane

Thanks for replying.

He said he might be open to reconciling through a counsellor, before finalising the divorce (though I had to wait several weeks before seeing a counsellor myself). I saw a counseloor for over a year - until she retired - I finished a year last October, so haven’t seen anyone recently.
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What about this “voyeuristic tendency” you mentioned above? Has he gotten any treatment for it? Does he do this in public? He could be arrested for that.
 
I’ve tried searching the forums but failed, so maybe it is a banned topic. He enjoys going to clubs and beaches where you can watch other people having sex. Before I joined the Church I reluctantly went too but found it repulsive. Live porn, I suppose. He is also keen on naturism.
 
Cecilia_Newman said:
I’ve tried searching the forums but failed, so maybe it is a banned topic. He enjoys going to clubs and beaches where you can watch other people having sex. Before I joined the Church I reluctantly went too but found it repulsive. Live porn, I suppose. He is also keen on naturism.
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:eek::eek::eek:

Live porn, indeed. No, if it were me, I would not take this man back into my life.
 
Thanks. I still find it difficult to accept that I am leaving the marriage when Saints such as Monica and Rita stayed with their husbands, carrying their crosses. Maybe I would feel more positive if it were likely that I could obtain an annulment but I read somewhere that the Church was clamping down on annulments for psychological reasons, I destroyed details about our early married life in a fit of rage some years ago and as all family members who knew my husband before we were married have now died, I would be hard-pressed to find witnesses. I read an article about emotional abuse yesterday and every paragraph rang true for me. I know of a fellow parishioner who lives with her husband but they have their own areas of the house; is this a way forward?
 
Another thought:
I’m finding it frustrating that, after learning about the Catholic attitude to marriage (e.g. in Humanae Vitae on Married Love) - I was received into the Church in 2010 - I am denying myself the opportunity to put it into practice.
 
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