Letting him go

[MissMichal]

My husband seems to tell me every other week that he’s going to leave me. It happens every time we have even the most minor disagreement. According to the Church, we were never validly married to begin with, but we are civilly married and would need to pursue a divorce. How wrong would I be to simply let him go?

 

[1ke]

You should seek spiritual guidance from your priest.

It doesn’t sound to me like your husband is a man who understands what the Sacrament of Marriage is all about if he threatens to leave you constantly. That is no way to live.

 

[apromisemade]

Have you tried getting marriage counseling? Talking to a priest?

Exhaust every possible avenue before you make the decision to split, not just for the sake of the “rightness” of it. That way, you will be better able to find closure and look back on the marriage and say, “I did everything I could and it just wasn’t meant to be.”

Is this the only problem you guys are having? Have you sat down and talked to him about his feelings?

 

[MissMichal]

For clarification, my husband isn’t Catholic. I wasn’t practicing when we got married, and we were not married in the church. I started practicing my faith again and had my IUD removed and we haven’t had sex since (we never did have a lot of sex anyway, but never mind). We can’t afford regular marriage counseling, so I looked up and suggested counseling through some faith-based initiatives that offer free or inexpensive marriage counseling (one Mormon, one Jewish), and he won’t go because they’re religious. He specifically won’t talk to a priest because he’s sure I’m trying to covert him.

I wouldn’t pursue a divorce, but if he insists upon leaving, I’m thinking I should let him, and then sign the papers when they come. I’m sick of living like this.

 

[apromisemade]

I

wouldn’t pursue a divorce, but if he insists upon leaving, I’m thinking I should let him, and then sign the papers when they come. I’m sick of living like this.

Probably a good plan. Just from the small bit I’ve heard, it doesn’t sound like either of you are very happy in your marriage. It would be easy enough to say that your faith versus his aversion to religion is the issue, but in a healthy marriage couples would be able to work out or at least reconcile such differences. Not to say either of you are incapable of it or anything, it just sounds like there’s a lot of toxicity in your marriage right now and not a lot of motivation on his part to working it out.

 

[Liraco]

I’m sorry to hear this, and would advise YOU to seek spiritual guidance from a priest. Since your husband doesn’t want to go to anything then talk to a priest about what you could do to handle the situation. Constant threats of leaving you (and using that as some sort of weapon against you) is no way to live a marriage.

One more thing, pray for him. I’ll be praying for you both.

 

[Catholic1954]

Only you can decide if this relationship is worth keeping, but if he doesn’t agree then it doesn’t make a difference. It sounds like he wants complete control of the marriage and isn’t afraid to threaten you with leaving, or withhold sex…etc, if he doesn’t get his way. If he won’t go to counseling, go by yourself, it will help to see the situtation more clearly to make a good decision. Welcome back to the Church and Good Luck!:hug3:

 

[Luke65]

For clarification, my husband isn’t Catholic. I wasn’t practicing when we got married, and we were not married in the church. I started practicing my faith again and had my IUD removed and we haven’t had sex since (we never did have a lot of sex anyway, but never mind). We can’t afford regular marriage counseling, so I looked up and suggested counseling through some faith-based initiatives that offer free or inexpensive marriage counseling (one Mormon, one Jewish), and he won’t go because they’re religious. He specifically won’t talk to a priest because he’s sure I’m trying to covert him.

I wouldn’t pursue a divorce, but if he insists upon leaving, I’m thinking I should let him, and then sign the papers when they come. I’m sick of living like this.

Here is St. Paul’s advice:

1 Corinthians 7 (NIV)

12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

 

[faithandhope]

Possibly cheating? Look closely to the signs… I was blinded, knew something was wrong…and it was. He was having an affair
Don’t be fooled… I’ll be praying for you and your husband.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

I think a good step would be to get counseling for yourself, without him. Look into Catholic Charities. I don’t know if the counseling through Catholic Charities is called the same everywhere, but in my diocese it is called Caritas, which is Greek for caring. I was assigned to an extremely good therapist, at a very low fee, who was a student with an MA, working on a PHD.

The first time I received counseling there (went back a couple of times through the years) was because I had a long term boyfriend who did something similar. I figured out long before I went into counseling that he was emotionally abuse, yet I loved him. I told the intake counselor that I was involved in an emotionally abuse relationship that was also hard to get out of. I didn’t even know it, but the agency actually had a lot of clients who were in abusive relationship. Don’t know if all Catholic Charities counseling has that background. You need to take care of yourself right now and then figure out what to do. Think of it as once a week massage for your heart and soul.

Other than that, my first reaction to your post is that you should call his bluff and leave yourself or just ask him to leave. Don’t wait for him to say it again, either. Tell him that you have come to a decision. You don’t need to be concerned about divorce, just consider it a separation. If he is the mean-spirited type who will argue with you or say something nasty when you announce this decision, steal yourself and just don’t get involved in anything he says. (I know from experience that will just be a complete mess and do a number on your head.) You need a break from this and you need to take care of yourself.

Take care.