Letting someone know that another person is lying to them?

[fnr]

I am aware of a couple that’s engaged to be married. I know one of them, and not the other.

I know that the person I know has been lying to the other person.

Is it ever OK to reveal this deception?

 

[AdamP88]

Depends on the situation. If it’s something that would affect the marriage then maybe yes.

If they’re lying about the $5 bet they put on the horses then I’d say it’s not really something to get involved in.

It completely depends on the gravity of the lie.

 

[1ke]

I am aware of a couple that’s engaged to be married. I know one of them, and not the other.

I know that the person I know has been lying to the other person.

Is it ever OK to reveal this deception?

Sometimes, it’s an obligation.

Can. 1066 Before a marriage is celebrated, it must be evident that nothing stands in the way of its valid and licit celebration.

Can. 1067 The conference of bishops is to establish norms about the examination of spouses and about the marriage banns or other opportune means to accomplish the investigations necessary before marriage. After these norms have been diligently observed, the pastor can proceed to assist at the marriage.

Can. 1069 All the faithful are obliged to reveal any impediments they know about to the pastor or local ordinary before the celebration of the marriage.

 

[angell1]

I am aware of a couple that’s engaged to be married. I know one of them, and not the other.

I know that the person I know has been lying to the other person.

Is it ever OK to reveal this deception?

depends what it is. without specifics, no one can really advise.

you don’t have to tell us, but is it serious enough to affect the marriage? even if it doen’st affect the marriage directly now, chronic lying could cause serious problems later on. and also, is it something that you have at least some proof of? it will be very hard to make a case of it if you don’t

 

[Crusaderbear]

Talk to a priest. It’s the right thing to do.

 

[EasterJoy]

I guess I’m confused, unless there is some question about whether or not this person is in fact lying, rather than being mistaken, possibly not having said or done what is reasonably suspected, possibly only taking time to disclose an uncomfortable truth at the right time, or the like.

Excepting considerations of that nature, why would you have any obligation in charity to cover up someone else’s lies with your silence? You might decide it is better to tell the person choosing to deceive that you know they are lying and give them a chance to tell the truth on their own. I don’t see how you can collaborate with a lie by tacitly saying nothing either to the person being deceived or the person perpetrating the deception. You do not lie, but you especially do not lie to your spouse. Is someone here afraid to lose the affection of someone who would shun them for not giving them the “privacy” to lie to the person they hope to make their spouse?

I don’t see how you can defend having to say later: “Yes, I knew he was lying to you and I of course understood that you might not want to marry him if you knew he would lie to you about such a matter or if you knew the truth he was hiding from you. I chose not to tell you that you were being lied to, and allowed you to marry him because no one spoke up and told you what you had a right to know.”

I think it is fine to disclose this with an admission that the matter is small and might not make any difference. Still, I’d feel I need to be willing to be disliked by this couple because I disclosed a deception rather than watching someone get married with less information for their choice to give consent than they ought to have. The decision to marry someone is a very grave matter, and that’s how I’d present my decision to disclose the deception. What they decide to do about that is up to them. We may not disclose the faults of others to those with no right to know about them. You can’t tell anyone but the couple and other people affected by this choice to lie. If someone has a fiance that lies to them unbeknownst to them, however, that someone has a right to know.

 

[MaryT777]

Talk to a priest. It’s the right thing to do.

This is what I would do. Let a priest know what the issue is and get their advice regarding how to handles the situation. I wouldn’t approach the couple directly myself given this is serious matter with a wedding coming up without (name removed by moderator)ut from a priest.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is what I would do. Let a priest know what the issue is and get their advice regarding how to handles the situation. I wouldn’t approach the couple directly myself given this is serious matter with a wedding coming up without (name removed by moderator)ut from a priest.

With so much about this unknown, that is sensible.

In theory, someone should not, by remaining silent about a known deception being perpetrated by one spouse-to-be on another, allow another person to be deceived prior to giving consent for marriage. As Yogi Berra once said, however: “In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.” You won’t go wrong talking to a priest about this, since you can lay out all the details fully without any harm to anyone’s reputation.

 

[mommy_k]

You should try and convince the person who is lying to be truthful and be very persuasive about it.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Good advice so far and I just wanted to second what Easter Joy said- Make sure that what you think is going on is really truly going on. Mere speculations can do a lot of harm.

Some scriptures:

Luke 6:31

31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

If you were the person who wasn’t ‘in the know’, would you want someone to be brave enough to disclose the matter to you? OR at the very least have someone stick up for you (even if they dont’ really know you) and at least brought the issue up to the one who is lying? It is a virtue to defend the innocent.

also

Matthew 18:15-22

If your brother sins go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.

But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.

If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as Gentile and a tax collector.

Have you spoken about this matter with the person you know who is lying? Its a kind thing to go to someone first and discuss it. In this way, if you are mistaken about something, it could be cleared. Or if they need help with a matter, you can break the ice and perhaps help them make a right choice. It also allows that person to ask forgiveness and repent. (again, do onto others as you’d hope someone would do onto you) Don’t accuse or threaten, but just speak with them about this.

I also think speaking to a priest in private about the matter is best too. Maybe even get the person to speak with a priest as well.

 

[EasterJoy]

You should try and convince the person who is lying to be truthful and be very persuasive about it.

There is also the “stopwatch” issue. The closer the wedding gets,the more difficult and the more embarrassing it will be if this clogs up the works, even if it is eventually settled and everything goes on as planned. The sooner this matter is cleared up, one way or the other, the better. Taking more time than necessary to address the problem could also decrease the likelihood of the best outcome, whatever that is.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I agree with telling the person that is being lied to that you believe they are being lied to, provided that:

1. You are as certain as you possibly can be that this person is indeed lying to their intended; and
2. Speak to a priest to get their (name removed by moderator)ut regarding the matter.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t feel comfortable giving advice without knowing what the lie in question is and how sure you are that it actually is a lie. I second the notion of explaining the situation to a priest. There are certainly some lies that you are obligated to report, particularly if the lie would be something that a wedding would be called off for. There are some that you should feel obligated to strongly discourage, like the kind that would be likely to cause marital strife. And there are still others that you should probably just stay out of, like he told his intended that his sister likes her when she really doesn’t or something like that.

 

[mommy_k]

There is also the “stopwatch” issue. The closer the wedding gets,the more difficult and the more embarrassing it will be if this clogs up the works, even if it is eventually settled and everything goes on as planned. The sooner this matter is cleared up, one way or the other, the better. Taking more time than necessary to address the problem could also decrease the likelihood of the best outcome, whatever that is.

Yes…this is true as well. But I don’t know if it’s the op’s place to say something.

Worse case scenario though…the op tells the other person about the dishonesty. The other person does not think it’s that important, no matter what it entails and couple make up…then they direct thier anger at the op, and it damages the op’s relationship forever with the couple.

Or…they are labelled a busybody etc. Or no one ever shares any things with them because this is how they will be perceived by whoever the dishonest person tells.

If the op decides to say something…they should be aware of what the fall out may be, not only with the couple, but perhaps the couples families…and the lie better be pretty serious.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes…this is true as well. But I don’t know if it’s the op’s place to say something.

Worse case scenario though…the op tells the other person about the dishonesty. The other person does not think it’s that important, no matter what it entails and couple make up…then they direct thier anger at the op, and it damages the op’s relationship forever with the couple.

Or…they are labelled a busybody etc. Or no one ever shares any things with them because this is how they will be perceived by whoever the dishonest person tells.

If the op decides to say something…they should be aware of what the fall out may be, not only with the couple, but perhaps the couples families…and the lie better be pretty serious.

I don’t think having the couple shun me or badmouth me because they think I’m a busybody is the worse-case scenario. I think watching someone go through an invalid marriage because she gave consent not knowing she was being lied to because I didn’t want to stick my neck out and tell her is the worst case scenario.

I agree that it is a good idea to talk to a priest about this, because a priest will have a good idea whether the deception in question could render the marriage null or not. A priest will have some idea how to handle the matter. A priest can also be trusted to handle the matter in confidence. If the priest convinces the OP to say nothing, there was no harm in asking.

 

[mommy_k]

I don’t think having the couple shun me or badmouth me because they think I’m a busybody is the worse-case scenario. I think watching someone go through an invalid marriage because she gave consent not knowing she was being lied to because I didn’t want to stick my neck out and tell her is the worst case scenario.

I agree that it is a good idea to talk to a priest about this, because a priest will have a good idea whether the deception in question could render the marriage null or not. A priest will have some idea how to handle the matter. A priest can also be trusted to handle the matter in confidence. If the priest convinces the OP to say nothing, there was no harm in asking.

This is true…

I think talking to a priest is good too but I would do this after I tried to have them fess up.

It made me smile how you assumed the liar was the guy.