Letting yourself be open

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michaeldean

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I want to convert, but I don’t really know how that process goes, and on top of that, I’m pretty gun-shy about, well, anything that has to do with letting yourself be vulnerable. I guess you could say I’m in a in-between kind of stage where I definitely want to learn more but I’m not yet at the point where I feel okay opening up to anyone very much, and I want to know if anyone can relate to that and what they did to overcome it.

I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m afraid of religion, because I was raised very (Protestant) religiously and to be honest it was not a good way to live, not so much that the actual doctrine was the problem as much as the kinds of people who were teaching it to me, so staying as far away from anything remotely church-like has been kind of a safety mechanism for a long time. I’m afraid, no matter how much I argue that Jesus wouldn’t have died for the world if he didn’t really love us, that I don’t deserve any of that, and I’m mostly afraid that I’ll let myself be vulnerable and just end up getting rejected like I have been so often. And I know the answer’s probably “that’s what Satan wants you to think!” and maybe that’s true, but how do you get over that fear? I’m afraid even to talk to a priest because I feel so guilty thinking they must be busy and I’m keeping them from doing more important things, or that they’ll say I really am beyond saving. Even though I also feel like that’s probably a stupid thing to think they’d say, I learned that you always have to protect yourself.

Can anyone relate to that? Maybe you feel like that now, or you used to feel like that but you overcame it? If so, how?
 
Michael,
I grew up exposed to a lot of abuse and then as I got older it seemed I always got burned or backstabbed by friends. When I decided in my early 20’s that I needed to hang out with a better crowd I got involved in a church that was full of unhealthy people, a lot of shaming, and it turned out church leaders were misusing funds and that church fell apart.
It took me 4 years of being interested in the Catholic Church and reading books before I first approached a priest about becoming Catholic and even then I wasn’t fully sure or felt safe. Nothing is wrong with taking small steps and you can always back away a little bit- it doesn’t have to be all or nothing and all at once. You don’t know how every priest or parish will be but the one I went to for RCIA was great. I also found great comfort and still do in the communion of saints. Researching saints that speak to you and your predicament can be very reassuring and help us feel alone in our battle. I personally love to also try talking to them about my pains and struggles and ask them to pray to our God for me. If you feel uncomfortable about praying to saints at least even reading their stories and meditating on that and taking those stories to God can still be very reassuring.
 
The “conversion” process is called RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults).
All you have to do is contact your local Catholic church and express an interest in participating.

Classes usually form in August or September and consist of attending meetings/discussion groups once a week until the Easter season (sometime in March or April).

Attending RCIA is a great way to learn the Catholic faith and is necessary if you are wanting to convert; however, no one is obligated to convert at the conclusion of the process. You can always say “no thank you” and walk away if you are truly not ready.
 
Michael, it’s natural that you would feel hesitant, especially after such an intense early experience of religion.

If God is calling you to the Catholic faith, He will give you whatever graces you need when the time comes for each step. Remember that we pray, “give us this day our daily bread”, not a month’s supply at a time, so please don’t be hard on yourself for the things that seem overwhelming…it’s just one step at a time.

If you wish to do some of your own research, the Catechism could help.
vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_INDEX.HTM

It might be easier at first to tackle the simpler form of the Catechism:
catholicity.com/catechism/

May God guide you gently and kindly, and bless you with all the graces He desires to give to you.

Kind wishes and prayers,
Trishie
 
Michael,
I think the questions you asked are good ones. It’s natural to feel the way you do and I think a lot of people go through this. You seem like a smart and thoughtful person and I know that you will make the choice for you.

I am praying for you.

C.
 
michaeldean said:
I want to convert, but I don’t really know how that process goes, and on top of that, I’m pretty gun-shy about, well, anything that has to do with letting yourself be vulnerable. I guess you could say I’m in a in-between kind of stage where I definitely want to learn more but I’m not yet at the point where I feel okay opening up to anyone very much, and I want to know if anyone can relate to that and what they did to overcome it.

I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m afraid of religion, because I was raised very (Protestant) religiously and to be honest it was not a good way to live, not so much that the actual doctrine was the problem as much as the kinds of people who were teaching it to me, so staying as far away from anything remotely church-like has been kind of a safety mechanism for a long time. I’m afraid, no matter how much I argue that Jesus wouldn’t have died for the world if he didn’t really love us, that I don’t deserve any of that, and I’m mostly afraid that I’ll let myself be vulnerable and just end up getting rejected like I have been so often. And I know the answer’s probably “that’s what Satan wants you to think!” and maybe that’s true, but how do you get over that fear? I’m afraid even to talk to a priest because I feel so guilty thinking they must be busy and I’m keeping them from doing more important things, or that they’ll say I really am beyond saving. Even though I also feel like that’s probably a stupid thing to think they’d say, I learned that you always have to protect yourself.

Can anyone relate to that? Maybe you feel like that now, or you used to feel like that but you overcame it? If so, how?
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I can understand why you feel the way you do Being exposed to so many bad examples, and perhaps to some self-righteous preaching. Remember that the Catholic Church is a Church with forgiven sinners, and we can sin again, but Christ gave us a Sacrament called Reconciliation, and we use it. Once you get to know it’s members you will get over your vulnerability Turn to Jesus in prayer and ask him to open the door for you, He won’t refuse. Once you know His love for you you will get over your fears. He will give you opportunities to know Him. He loves sinners who seek Him, sin and fear are no barriers.
or rejections.
 
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