Life and Faith Crisis - What Does God Want?

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OHMark

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Brothers and Sisters,

I am a single man in my late 40s. I was raised devout Catholic and even attended the seminary in my youth before turning away from that vocation at the age of 20. I then spent nearly 20 years away from the Church, pursuing my own will instead of God’s.

In the past year and a half, all of that changed. I started attending weekly Mass, then soon went twice a week and soon after daily Mass. Inspired by Fr. Larry Richards, among others, I also devoted myself to a very deep and devoted prayer life, spending an hour most days in adoration and praying Liturgy of the Hours Morning, Midday and Evening Prayers faithfully. I also began receiving spiritual direction from my pastor.

My faith became deeper than I ever knew was possible, and I felt so much joy and peace. I became very involved in my parish, attending Bible study and two men’s groups, teaching PSR, volunteering as a counter and member of the pastoral and finance councils. I also prayed very hard for God to kill my remaining demons, especially during this past Lenten season. My birthday was on Holy Saturday, and rather than celebrate, I went to the vigil and dedicated the anniversary of my birth to God. I even closed my business and donated the goods to the parish, and landed a job at a nearby parish as Business Director.

Then, on what was to be my second day at my new job serving the Church, everything changed. I cannot share too much detail, but a sin of my past has been revealed, a sin that has been forgiven by God. I want you also to understand the sin had no victims. Even in my former secular life I have always been caring and never would hurt anyone intentionally. In one day, I resigned the job and my parish, and now I likely face prison time. I even lost my pastor as Spiritual Director (not by his choice).

At the moment, I have rejected my faith, believing that the peace and joy I thought God led me to was really just a mirage. He was not speaking to me. He was not drawing me close. How could he and then let this happen? At first, I thought God built my faith so strong so that I could endure this - which he knew was coming. Right now, though, I do not feel any peace, only utter loss.

Does giving myself completely, in order for him to truly eradicate my sinfulness, mean a loss of literally everything, including what was good and holy in my life? That would mean complete humiliation in the sight of my friends, co-workers, family and parish. It would mean prison, total loss of freedom. It would quite possibly mean the loss of my sight, my limbs or even my life - because diabetics to not receive proper treatment in prison. Can my faith be strong enough to accept all of those sacrifices?

The debate in my mind and heart comes down to this. Is God really so cruel to ask this of me? Certainly he would not allow this for someone he loves and died for, and who loved him so completely. On the other side, I told God that I will give him my very life, and this is a situation of my own making. Did I mean what I told him?

When it comes down to it, I am not as strong as Job. God could rescue me in an instant if he willed it, but how can I trust when even the great things I was doing for his Church have been taken from me?

My apologies for the lengthy post, but I am in despair and have no where to turn.
 
OHMark said:
At the moment, I have rejected my faith, believing that the peace and joy I thought God led me to was really just a mirage. He was not speaking to me. He was not drawing me close. How could he and then let this happen? At first, I thought God built my faith so strong so that I could endure this - which he knew was coming. Right now, though, I do not feel any peace, only utter loss.
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This is all way beyond my payscale. But I do want to share something.

Consolations are not given simply so that we can enjoy them. They’re not a sign of God’s favor, and they’re not simply the default way in which our lives will be led here on earth. Consolations are like Mt. Tabor. Just as Sts. Peter and John and James saw Christ utterly revealed in all His glory during the Transfiguration, and just as they saw this to help strengthen them because of Christ’s upcoming crucifixion, consolations can often be a sign that a test is coming. They are meant to strengthen us so that, when the temptation to flee Christ comes, we can have something to help us. Note that strength does not come from us. Even the best of us are weak, and we all have to rely on Christ and His grace to do anything. Without Him, we can do nothing. Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of Hosts.

I will keep you in my prayers.

In all things: Thy will be done … totus Tuus.
 
You say that the sin you committed in the past will put you in prison, but that its victim-less.

No crime is victim-less. Some one suffered as a result of what you did, and have no doubt, society suffers from our sins.

This is not being judgmental, for we all have sinned and have all caused harm to others.

When you surrendered yourself to Christ, you allow him to bring you to perfect union with Him. This union requires purgation of our imperfections, whether in this life or in the next, but its far better to be purged now.

In all, you love God and He loves you and if you place your trust in Him, it will be revealed how this will all work out for the good.

Remember, Pope Francis has declared this the year of mercy. Place yourself in God’s mercy, you’ll be at peace regardless of what happens.

Jim
 
I’m sorry to hear about your burdens man. The only thing I can offer is the idea that God’s eye is on eternity. So what happens to you in the now is only a piece of the whole action. So if God thinks it’s better for your soul to face the fire now. Rather than after death. Well then that’s the line you’re on.

But honestly there’s a lot of road between here and there. I’m assuming you’ve not been convicted yet? So there’s room for a bit of arguing first. I don’t know. Sometimes the court will have mercy on a guy who’s up-front with them. Sometimes it’s a matter of getting the right kind of deal.

Can’t really give much more than that. I just wanted you to know that God didn’t build you up just to push you down. There’s a purpose in all this yet. You’ve just got to get to the other side of it all to get that perspective.

Peace Mark. Hope you don’t lose hope here.

-Trident
 
It may seem harsh to say that none of the things you listed, loss of freedom, loss of limbs, even loss of life, is as terrible as the loss of God. You have to opportunity now to make great sacrifices, to work off your penance for your sins here rather than in Purgatory, to even finish your own reparations and help other Poor Souls!

So, yes, I agree with you that God was building a firm foundation in you, and He did it for this very reason, that you would suffer greatly.

And of course you are not strong enough… on your own. This is why God has built this good relationship with you, so that He will be close enough to help you through.
 
You are facing prison for a victim-less crime? You must know that that is pretty hard to believe.

Does God promise us health and happiness in this life? I don’t think so.
 
OHMark said:
The debate in my mind and heart comes down to this. Is God really so cruel to ask this of me? Certainly he would not allow this for someone he loves and died for, and who loved him so completely. On the other side, I told God that I will give him my very life, and this is a situation of my own making. Did I mean what I told him?
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Remember He asked even more of His own Son. I believe that the greatest gift that we have is our faith, it would be a shame to let go of something that will endure for eternity for the sake of a future you can not predict. God will see you through any troubles, keep your trust in Him and whatever may happen be aware of the work that you can do for Him.

My prayers are with you. God bless.
 
You mention that the giving yourself to God will be what leads this victimless crime from years past to land you in prison…that just doesn’t compute.
  1. Victimless crimes do land people in prison… but I can’t think of those that do so way later
  2. I am not sure how your staying with God = prison… if you did confession it stays there… and I doubt you are called to stand on the courthouse steps and proclaim your deeds… so I feel without the info you probably can not give, it is hard to tell you specific advice.
But I would say, standing at the precipice you are now faced with the true choice of God/not God. This is your real test… to embrace God or reject Him.

Actually just thought the only victimless crime I can think of is one that involved a willing partner of questionable age… at which point, much debate could be had to the status of that as victimless based on the technicalities of ages involved… so errrrr yeah… idk if that is the case… at which point I guess you “God making you go to prison” might have much to do with whether or not to lie? Errrr I don’t think I am going to touch that with a 40,000 ft pole…since I have no crystal balls o.O
 
For those wondering about the “victimless crime” I will attempt to elaborate a little. It was pointed out that no sin is victimless, as it effects (and infects) the whole of us. However, I was not referring to that. I meant victimless in that there is no other individual person that was harmed by my actions. Again, I cannot specify what this was but can assure you that is does exist.

There also seems to be some confusion about sin leading to prison. The confession of my sin had nothing to do with being caught by law enforcement well after the deed was done. I hope that clears that up.

I only resigned from my new job at the Church and stepped away from my parish in order to ensure that no scandal would possibly touch either parish. One thing this whole episode has taught me is how deeply in love I was (am?) with my parish family. They mean everything to me, and I am ashamed and devastated. I miss them all terribly.

Thank you all for the encouragement and thoughts. At one point, I, too, thought, “I guess my purgatory starts now.” It is the shame and embarrassment, uncertainty and fear that is getting to me now. I am reaching out this afternoon (without much luck) to go to Reconciliation as soon as I can, then return to daily Mass. I am not in a state of grace, having purposely missed Mass Sunday for the first time in over a year, and I need God.

I wish I had the faith of Mother Angelica. She would probably face this situation and be happy that she gets to suffer for God.

Ditat Deus
 
OHMark said:
For those wondering about the “victimless crime” I will attempt to elaborate a little. It was pointed out that no sin is victimless, as it effects (and infects) the whole of us. However, I was not referring to that. I meant victimless in that there is no other individual person that was harmed by my actions. Again, I cannot specify what this was but can assure you that is does exist.

There also seems to be some confusion about sin leading to prison. The confession of my sin had nothing to do with being caught by law enforcement well after the deed was done. I hope that clears that up.

I only resigned from my new job at the Church and stepped away from my parish in order to ensure that no scandal would possibly touch either parish. One thing this whole episode has taught me is how deeply in love I was (am?) with my parish family. They mean everything to me, and I am ashamed and devastated. I miss them all terribly.

Thank you all for the encouragement and thoughts. At one point, I, too, thought, “I guess my purgatory starts now.” It is the shame and embarrassment, uncertainty and fear that is getting to me now. I am reaching out this afternoon (without much luck) to go to Reconciliation as soon as I can, then return to daily Mass. I am not in a state of grace, having purposely missed Mass Sunday for the first time in over a year, and I need God.

I wish I had the faith of Mother Angelica. She would probably face this situation and be happy that she gets to suffer for God.

Ditat Deus
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So, alot of what you lost, jobe etc was your choice… so noble intent I believe, but you overdid it rather than persevere with God you ran to protect the Church… but the church will stand.

So are you like going to prison? Or maybe if something comes to light going?

And if it is victimless… ugh… crime they tracked you down for years later… plea deal? Seems that any victimless crime can not carry too hard a penalty so far later. Especially if you show your reformation such…
 
OHMark said:
I wish I had the faith of Mother Angelica. She would probably face this situation and be happy that she gets to suffer for God.
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I can hear Mother Angelica now: “Sweetheart, God wants you to have faith like you, not like anyone else. Why would He create you if He already had someone else to love Him? Because you can love Him like no one else can. And you can have faith in Him like no one else can. And He desires you like He desires no one else, and He loves you as if no one else were there.”
 
I guess taxes would be an area where “noone” is hurt but could send one to prison unless some negotiation can be made.

But this or something like it wouldn’t be reason to disappoint the love that Jesus has for you. He still loves you and just wants you to try.

And in prison there must be some allowances for the sick who need special medical care.

Remember your mother Mary …
 
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