Life as a Catholic single. A rant. (PG-13)

[Googler]

FWIW, these are some foundational steps in order to achieve a clearer perspective of my journey of conversion and discern my vocation in life:

1-Decide to do God’s will and not my own
2-Diligently discover in the Holy Bible and the Catechism of the Catholic Church exactly what God demands from all the faithful
3-Immediately obey and actively keep these commands
4-Focus on as much daily Prayer as possible
5-Commit to a home Parish where I’m comfortable
6-Visit the Real Presence of the Eucharist as much as possible
7-Seek God’s graces from the Sacraments of fulfilling my vows and infused virtues of Baptism, frequent contrite Confession, worthy reception of Holy Communion, live up to my profession of faith at Confirmation by strengthening the Gifts and Fruits of the Holy Spirit
8-Eternally consecrate myself to Jesus through Mary, Mother and Queen of all. Develop an intimate relationship with her and never hesitate to talk to her. Imitate and cultivate her virtues. Share Jesus’ gift of His Mother with others as an act of mercy and charity.
9-Search out devout Catholics for support, comrades, and friendship.
10-_______________________________ (open to suggestions…)

Single people - If marriage is that far out of reach, accept it, get the message, don’t torment yourself.
Focus instead on becoming great Saints.
Surrender yourself entirely to God for the only true everlasting happiness.
Feed your soul with Faith, more Faith, mega Faith!

May it please our Lady to intercede with her Son for us poor sinners and obtain this grace for us, that with the cooperation of our own toil and effort she may change our weak and sorry spirits and make them strong and faithful to praise God.
~Saint Ignatius

 

[PumpkinCookie]

As a single 30 year old woman, all I can say is that’s some of the dumbest advice I’ve read. It screams immature and such a boy (yes, boy. Men don’t play stupid games) is not marriage material.

Well yeah, if you figure out what he is up to then he didn’t do it right!

Also, I’m just trying to offer some practical advice. Everyone is different, what works for some will not always work for others. Not suggesting this as a long term relationship pattern, but a way to get things going.

 

[Xantippe]

I have been online dating for 3 years. I am a veteran. I have asked out a lot of women. Asked for a lot of women’s phone numbers. Messaged probably 1000 women. I totally agree that the faster you move offline onto phone conversation and phone conversation to meeting, the better. The problem is… WOMEN control when they are going to give you their number and when they feel comfortable enough to meet. Men do need to be brave and bold, but asking a woman for her phone number on the first message or asking her out on a first message is not a good idea either. But if you never get a message back from your first message, then you do not get the chance to ask her for her number or ask her out later. And that is where 90% of my attempts to communicate end at. It is a challenge to gauge a woman and try to figure out when is a good time to ask for her number and then to meet. Some women want to correspond for weeks before giving you a number. Some will give you their number first message without you even asking for it. One woman made me wait 3 months before she gave me her number. I never ask a woman out online. I am going to ask for her number first and ask her out over the phone. I just do not get given a chance very often. Lots of us put ourselves out there only to hear the women on the site tell us that men dont pursue them enough. Well, as one who does pursue, why dont I get better results then? Its really frustrating

It may be that all of you guys are pursuing the same small subset of women and getting in each other’s way.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

It may be that all of you guys are pursuing the same small subset of women and getting in each other’s way.

Yes, a woman with 20 different men trying to talk to her (that is not unrealistic for a very pretty girl on a dating site) will choose whoever she is most attracted to first. The logical thing to do would seem to be improve my looks. Guess I have to think of a way to do that. Though we all say it should not be that way, it is what is on the inside that matters, I bet I would have more success if I was in the same shape I was when I was a 18. Maybe I need to hire a professional photographer too. I am not photogenic but maybe professional help will be good, and I can post those pictures.

 

[GreyWings]

32 year old male, still single. I find that I seem to be out of options for meeting single Catholic women my own age.
I have had a dubious background before my conversion and feel too profane for Church going women and too pius for the non-Churchgoer. I am stuck in a crack. On top of things, chastity is becoming a heavier and heavier cross and ever more difficult to maintain. The world tells me “No one is having sex with you? What is wring with you?” The Church tells me “Absolutely no intentional venerial arousal outside of marriage, don’t look, don’t touch, don’t even think about it.” I’m surrounded by nudity and sexuallity everywhere in society. I feel like a starving wolf being shown a piece of meat. No marriage prospects, seems like everyone in the world is having sex (intentional hyperbole) but me. I feel so…unfulfilled and unloved. Why is God’s love not enough? My faith is becoming a source of torment. I can have God’s love which I cannot feel, or sex and have an imitation of love that I can feel. The loneliness is agony, and so is separation from grace. I. Want. To. Have. Sex. I want to feel loved. So badly I want to put my head through a wall. I have become bitter. God gives me natural inclinations but provides no outlet, no companionship, no spouse. I am angry with Him, I admit. I go to mass and occasionally do see a few happy young couples, some of which have a new baby, a family. I find myself praying rather full of gaul, “Lord in your infinite love for me could ya maybe tell someone to show your love to me? Do ya think you stop letting me be isolated? Because yes, you, my Invisible Friend, should be enough, but apparently I’m a jerk.” as I grip the pew in front of me tightly. I have very little joy in my spiritual life and i am angry in my prayer life. And society says “If you have value, you’ll be having sex, therefore valued as a person, acceptable”. Thanks, society, so much, for screwing me up. I am such an ungrateful jerk.

Um I am a female, in your age bracket, and I CAN RELATE. I was celibate for SO LONG until I recently got played by Lucifer in a black coat.

Listen, according to many dudes I’m considered a “hot” female. Yet with my many boyfriends and even an invalid marriage I can’t seem to find a man who can be a REAL man. A man who will look at the Cross and walk the walk and honor the sacraments of Catholicism.
I strive for sanctification. I hang with the Jesuits. But I’m also old-school, with the Latin Rite and I wear the veil. And you know what? I’m single and lonely, too. What I wouldn’t give to have a man hold me. Not use me.

It really is a catch 22.

Hey brother. Same age. Same problem. Except. I see a lot of single girls, on this site alone, who are our age. My issues keep me from them but what’s holding you back exactly?

Peace.

-Trident

…

 

[Lily_Bernans]

Yes, a woman with 20 different men trying to talk to her (that is not unrealistic for a very pretty girl on a dating site) will choose whoever she is most attracted to first. The logical thing to do would seem to be improve my looks. Guess I have to think of a way to do that. Though we all say it should not be that way, it is what is on the inside that matters, I bet I would have more success if I was in the same shape I was when I was a 18. Maybe I need to hire a professional photographer too. I am not photogenic but maybe professional help will be good, and I can post those pictures.

Twenty? I joined a dating site once, when I lived that life. I joined about midnight one night. When I logged in the next day I had about 250 messages! I don’t think about it much, but like GreyWings, a lot of men consider me “hot.” I teach theology and even my students will crush on me. I’ve had to learn tricks to handle that one so they know there is no chance but don’t get their feelings hurt, either. I didn’t stay on the dating site. I found the men wanted sex, the women wanted money. For the most part. It’s tough to find a religious, committed person. If I were on a dating site, I would not write anyone without a photo, though.

 

[GreyWings]

Twenty? I joined a dating site once, when I lived that life. I joined about midnight one night. When I logged in the next day I had about 250 messages! I don’t think about it much, but like GreyWings, a lot of men consider me “hot.” I teach theology and even my students will crush on me. I’ve had to learn tricks to handle that one so they know there is no chance but don’t get their feelings hurt, either. I didn’t stay on the dating site. I found the men wanted sex, the women wanted money. For the most part. It’s tough to find a religious, committed person. If I were on a dating site, I would not write anyone without a photo, though.

Lily, you’re more than hot, you’re brilliant. A guy’s gotta be worthy of you.
Oh yes, it’s hard for us Catholics out there.

I get so sad looking at dang Instagram. All the sepia photos of kissy wissy lovey dovey “oooh look we have twu wuv!” It ticks me off. Because, I’m not so lucky, I guess.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, a woman with 20 different men trying to talk to her (that is not unrealistic for a very pretty girl on a dating site) will choose whoever she is most attracted to first. The logical thing to do would seem to be improve my looks. Guess I have to think of a way to do that. Though we all say it should not be that way, it is what is on the inside that matters, I bet I would have more success if I was in the same shape I was when I was a 18. Maybe I need to hire a professional photographer too. I am not photogenic but maybe professional help will be good, and I can post those pictures.

Good, truthful pictures of yourself are great.

What’s really bad is grainy indoor selfie photos. Subtext: I never leave my home and I have no friends.

 

[Sarcelle]

A lot of my single evangelical friends also have the same problem.

What is going on? When did finding a spouse get so hard?

A male evangelical friend once told me that at a certain age, the young eligible women disappear into a parallel universe and then suddenly pop back into this universe with husband and children.

 

[Xantippe]

A lot of my single evangelical friends also have the same problem.

What is going on? When did finding a spouse get so hard?

A male evangelical friend once told me that at a certain age, the young eligible women disappear into a parallel universe and then suddenly pop back into this universe with husband and children.

It’s probably a smidge less bad for Catholics, though, because we don’t treat it so much as a moral failing if a person hasn’t gotten married by 25 and there’s better recognition of the fact that a non-married person can be living a full and godly life.

 

[Sarcelle]

It’s probably a smidge less bad for Catholics, though, because we don’t treat it so much as a moral failing if a person hasn’t gotten married by 25 and there’s better recognition of the fact that a non-married person can be living a full and godly life.

True.

However I have known some older Catholics that get terribly confused when they meet someone who is not married and also not in a religious order. It just does not compute. An adult who is not consecrated religious must be married in their world.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Twenty? I joined a dating site once, when I lived that life. I joined about midnight one night. When I logged in the next day I had about 250 messages! I don’t think about it much, but like GreyWings, a lot of men consider me “hot.” I teach theology and even my students will crush on me. I’ve had to learn tricks to handle that one so they know there is no chance but don’t get their feelings hurt, either. I didn’t stay on the dating site. I found the men wanted sex, the women wanted money. For the most part. It’s tough to find a religious, committed person. If I were on a dating site, I would not write anyone without a photo, though.

I believe you. I one saw a woman post a screen shot of her inbox on a dating site and it was 700 and something messages. The main dating site I am on though (A catholic one) has a limited amount of people so I doubt anyone is getting hundreds of messages. But I would bet maybe 50 to 100 would certainly not be un common for a attractive woman. Not to mention that guys in their 40’s and higher message women in their 20’s and 30’s all the time I hear. So it is not just guys in their own age bracket messaging them.

Being that you are a good looking woman with brains, I bet you can get dates easily if you want but if you ever were to try dating sites again, just stick to Catholic ones. There will still be creeps but much less than on secular sites.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Good, truthful pictures of yourself are great.

What’s really bad is grainy indoor selfie photos. Subtext: I never leave my home and I have no friends.

I think only hiring a professional to take pictures of me would help. I am not ugly, but I am not photogenic at all either.

But I do never leave my home and I dont have any friends…

No, I do get out and I do have friends, I just dont get out like I use to or hang out like I use to. There is a lot I guess I need to work on to make myself more attractive.

 

[Sarcelle]

I believe you. I one saw a woman post a screen shot of her inbox on a dating site and it was 700 and something messages. The main dating site I am on though (A catholic one) has a limited amount of people so I doubt anyone is getting hundreds of messages. But I would bet maybe 50 to 100 would certainly not be un common for a attractive woman. Not to mention that guys in their 40’s and higher message women in their 20’s and 30’s all the time I hear. So it is not just guys in their own age bracket messaging them.

Being that you are a good looking woman with brains, I bet you can get dates easily if you want but if you ever were to try dating sites again, just stick to Catholic ones. There will still be creeps but much less than on secular sites.

I have to agree with you on men in their 40s and higher messaging women in their 20s and 30s. This is why dating sites will only work for women in their 20s and 30s but may work for men of all ages. Older women should not waste their time on a dating site. I know it’s not politically correct to say it but men are attracted to youth.

 

[iwillrisenow]

But I do never leave my home and I dont have any friends…

No, I do get out and I do have friends, I just dont get out like I use to or hang out like I use to. There is a lot I guess I need to work on to make myself more attractive.

I wouldn’t get down on myself for not meeting some subjective standard of “socially acceptable.” Often, people who insist that you must have x, y, z lined up, x number of friends, y dollars in the bank, and z life skills are people who met their spouses in their teens or twenties, managed to pull all that stuff together as a couple (which, as many of us are well-aware, is easier to do when you have the social standing of marriage, a partner to split costs with, and often a larger network of contacts due to the higher social standing that allowed you to get married at a young age in the first place whether its wealth, belonging to a certain cultural group, conventional attractiveness, etc.), and assume that it’s the status quo for everyone. Look, there are some ladies out there who will want to see those things but there are others who have different priorities. If you want to compete for the “top” women on a dating site, sure, I’d make sure to have those ducks in a row…and if you have prayed on it and think God may be calling you to do so, by all means. The key is to keep it all in conversation with Him; He will give you all the perspective you need

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I have to agree with you on men in their 40s and higher messaging women in their 20s and 30s. This is why dating sites will only work for women in their 20s and 30s but may work for men of all ages. Older women should not waste their time on a dating site. I know it’s not politically correct to say it but men are attracted to youth.

Well, to be fair, I am yet to talk to any woman that said she likes getting messages by men who are 20 years her senior. And I have never talked to a guy who says that he successfully got a woman who is 20-30 years his junior to go out with him. I think the men that are 40 and higher that only message women in their 20’s and 30’s do not have a lot of success either.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

Lily, you’re more than hot, you’re brilliant. A guy’s gotta be worthy of you.
Oh yes, it’s hard for us Catholics out there.

I get so sad looking at dang Instagram. All the sepia photos of kissy wissy lovey dovey “oooh look we have twu wuv!” It ticks me off. Because, I’m not so lucky, I guess.

Oh, Sweetie, thank you. You are beautiful and brilliant. Your guy is going to come along when you least expect it. It’s just a lot harder for us “hot chicks!” We intimidate the “regular” guys. I tend to hang with the Jesuits, too. Platonically, of course, as you do.

I’m not invalidating your feelings regarding Isaac. I think he may care for you more than you realize. His emotions are just so topsy-turvy now, he may not know how to deal with them.

Don’t look at Instagram, Sweetie. Half the people (at least) are lying anyway.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

I believe you. I one saw a woman post a screen shot of her inbox on a dating site and it was 700 and something messages. The main dating site I am on though (A catholic one) has a limited amount of people so I doubt anyone is getting hundreds of messages. But I would bet maybe 50 to 100 would certainly not be un common for a attractive woman. Not to mention that guys in their 40’s and higher message women in their 20’s and 30’s all the time I hear. So it is not just guys in their own age bracket messaging them.

Being that you are a good looking woman with brains, I bet you can get dates easily if you want but if you ever were to try dating sites again, just stick to Catholic ones. There will still be creeps but much less than on secular sites.

I’m sure a lot of guys who were “undesirable” messaged me, but I couldn’t deal with that many messages so I just deleted my account. I thought “Can’t deal with that!” It was like vultures at a massacre!

You’ve got to get out to meet people. Volunteer for something you find at least tolerable. Have lunch in a hospital cafeteria. You’ll meet a lot of nurses, but they are probably looking for doctors. Still, not all of them can be. Join a “real life” book club. Go shopping and ask an attractive girl for her advice regarding something you want to buy. Take a class that a lot of girls will be in, like Victorian literature. Or stick with the dating sites. I agree, the Catholic ones are best. Not every girl is looking for an Adonis. We get to the point where we just want a decent, Catholic man who loves us. And remember, people vary widely on who they find attractive. Personally, I don’t find George Clooney, for example, attractive at all. If I were dating, I’d want a man with similar interests, easygoing, and one who can make me laugh, at least some of the time. Looks would be secondary.

Good luck. I’ll pray for you. I do feel for you. I did love one man once, but he died of cancer. No one would have called him an Adonis, but he was the sweetest guy on earth.

PS Don’t get down on yourself. Confidence is attractive to women. And don’t “settle.” You’re a quality person who deserves a quality person.

 

[Xantippe]

I wouldn’t get down on myself for not meeting some subjective standard of “socially acceptable.” Often, people who insist that you must have x, y, z lined up, x number of friends, y dollars in the bank, and z life skills are people who met their spouses in their teens or twenties, managed to pull all that stuff together as a couple (which, as many of us are well-aware, is easier to do when you have the social standing of marriage, a partner to split costs with, and often a larger network of contacts due to the higher social standing that allowed you to get married at a young age in the first place whether its wealth, belonging to a certain cultural group, conventional attractiveness, etc.), and assume that it’s the status quo for everyone.

I think you’ve got that backwards.

A lot of people with the big list are people that got married young, had kids young, had a lot of hardships, and would like their kids to avoid at least some of that. The scenario you are describing of partnership and quick prosperity is really only feasible for either an infertile/low fertility couple or a contracepting couple–everybody else will find it tough sledding.

Think about the math–a newlywed couple may be two people living on two incomes (a very nice thing), but even with just a median number of children and two incomes, they may quickly become four people living on two incomes, or with an SAHM, four people living on just one income. Make that a more conventionally Catholic sized family, and we quickly have six or seven living on a single income.

The math is genuinely hard, and young families often encounter a lot of hardships (as you can see from reading the CAF family life forum). It’s not a bad idea to encourage young people to think and think hard about what they are doing.

 

[iwillrisenow]

I think you’ve got that backwards.

A lot of people with the big list are people that got married young, had kids young, had a lot of hardships, and would like their kids to avoid at least some of that. The scenario you are describing of partnership and quick prosperity is really only feasible for either an infertile/low fertility couple or a contracepting couple–everybody else will find it tough sledding.

Think about the math–a newlywed couple may be two people living on two incomes (a very nice thing), but even with just a median number of children and two incomes, they may quickly become four people living on two incomes, or with an SAHM, four people living on just one income. Make that a more conventionally Catholic sized family, and we quickly have six or seven living on a single income.

The math is genuinely hard, and young families often encounter a lot of hardships (as you can see from reading the CAF family life forum). It’s not a bad idea to encourage young people to think and think hard about what they are doing.

Well, the challenges facing young families run much deeper than any standard that we can take upon ourselves as individuals and couples. Maybe the answer is to start asking why young families, especially with more than one or two kids, end up facing so much hardship and what we, as citizens, family members, friends and neighbors can do about it…rather than insisting that anyone who is even considering marriage and family meet criteria that, frankly, are out of reach for a good percentage of the population to “keep up” with a society with values that are out of whack. There’s also an assumption there that hardship can be avoided through diligence. True, you might reduce the likelihood of certain challenges, but life has its way of throwing curveballs in all of our directions, no matter how much we prepare. Fortunately, as Catholics, we have the option of prayerfully following God’s will for us, even when things don’t look the way that others say is correct or ideal.