Life During Annulment

[whelanm87]

I was hoping that I could get some advice on my current situation.

To give a little background… I have recently finalized my divorce as well as started the annulment process. The divorce process had gone on for over a year and before that the ex and I were separated for pretty much 2 years. All-in-all I’ve had about three years to cope with the fact that my marriage was over.

For the past couple months, I have begun to feel a very strong urge to begin dating again, though I haven’t acted on it. Though as part of my recovery from the divorce, I pushed myself to get involved any lots of church activities, particularly young adult ministry. I’m sure you can see where this is going… Through this I met several girls that I was interested in, but then one girl came along who is pretty much perfect. She invited me to go to a diocese sponsored “young adult square dance” as her partner and how could I refuse? Though, I knew that if I went to this event, I would become more “infatuated” with her than I already was. So needless to say, I went to the dance and my worries came true.

Now, knowing that I can’t actually date her (I dont even know if she has feelings for me) until my annulment is finalized (which could take up to 2 years). So now I find myself depressed and wondering what I should do next. I’ve started to have feelings of “despair” about my situation, living alone and trying to parent my 4 year old daughter.

I guess it all boils down to a few questions. How do you go about “socializing” with women during this time and not get too attached, but also not killing any possibilities for the future. When does a relationship go too far when I am still technically married? Lastly, how do I live the best I can for my future and for my daughter, but not make it so hard on myself?

I’m just confused on how I should feel and what I should do. I feel quite helpless and hate to be feeling down in the dumps again.

Thanks for the advice ahead of time.

 

[hurting]

It has already gone too far.

 

[Rence]

I guess it all boils down to a few questions. How do you go about “socializing” with women during this time and not get too attached, but also not killing any possibilities for the future. When does a relationship go too far when I am still technically married? Lastly, how do I live the best I can for my future and for my daughter, but not make it so hard on myself?

I’m just confused on how I should feel and what I should do. I feel quite helpless and hate to be feeling down in the dumps again.

Thanks for the advice ahead of time.

A good rule of thumb is to not do anything that you wouldn’t do if you were still married. Because in the eyes of the Church, until/unless you are granted an annullment, you still are married. You would “socialize” with women as you would when you were married. Anything that was inappropriate when you were married, is inappropriate now.

 

[1inICXC]

A good rule of thumb is to not do anything that you wouldn’t do if you were still married. Because in the eyes of the Church, until/unless you are granted an annullment, you still are married. You would “socialize” with women as you would when you were married. Anything that was inappropriate when you were married, is inappropriate now.

Except that in this situation you are married with an “imminent” or hopefully imminemt exit.So I inderstand why the OP doesn’t want to kill his chances the way you would while you are married,

I would have honestly used that invitation as an opportunity to explain your situation. She shouldn’t be “led on” until you find out the outcome of your application… Personally I would have more respect for a man who had the integrity to stand his ground- specifically because it is so hard- Than for a man who led me on and then back paddled. I too consider you went too far but I’m assuming your behaviour was respectable so hopefully it didn’t do much damage.

If you got flirty or too “physical” for a married man, than she should have major issues with the prospect of dating you. Women want men of strength!

It’s a difficult situation but nothing that cannot be overcome with honest resolve and the frequent use of the Sacrament of confession and the Eucharist! Don’t let yourself linger in limbo. Make a firm commitment to do x, y, z during this time and to NOT do a,b,c- make lists if necessary and then stick to that. Have clear oundries that will help!

 

[styrgwillidar]

All-in-all I’ve had about three years to cope with the fact that my marriage was over.

Your marriage may not be over at all. It may be a valid marriage

Now, knowing that I can’t actually date her (I dont even know if she has feelings for me) until my annulment is finalized (which could take up to 2 years).

Not sure what you mean by finalized. If you mean you receive a decision, true. That decision however may be that your marriage is valid and you will have to uphold your vows until the death of you or your spouse.

 

[whelanm87]

Your marriage may not be over at all. It may be a valid marriage

Very true… It’s just very hard to think about it like that sometimes. I have thought about the prospect that it may very well be a valid marriage, in which case I would have to simply accept that fact. This is why I am asking this to figure out what my best course of action would be.

Except that in this situation you are married with an “imminent” or hopefully imminemt exit.So I inderstand why the OP doesn’t want to kill his chances the way you would while you are married,

I would have honestly used that invitation as an opportunity to explain your situation. She shouldn’t be “led on” until you find out the outcome of your application… Personally I would have more respect for a man who had the integrity to stand his ground- specifically because it is so hard- Than for a man who led me on and then back paddled. I too consider you went too far but I’m assuming your behaviour was respectable so hopefully it didn’t do much damage.

If you got flirty or too “physical” for a married man, than she should have major issues with the prospect of dating you. Women want men of strength!

It’s a difficult situation but nothing that cannot be overcome with honest resolve and the frequent use of the Sacrament of confession and the Eucharist! Don’t let yourself linger in limbo. Make a firm commitment to do x, y, z during this time and to NOT do a,b,c- make lists if necessary and then stick to that. Have clear oundries that will help!

I made sure that it wasn’t flirty at all and I did make sure other people I am friends with to go. I tried my best to be Catholic gentleman, and nothing happened that I would think really “crossed the line” as far as physical actions, but what I thought in my head and my feelings (which can’t be controlled) tells me to make it more.

I definitely need to be more open to explaining my situation… It’s just hard to find that right time to do it, especially if it somebody I would be interested in. I suppose I need to pray to God to give me the courage to do what needs to be done.

I also do make sure to take regular use of the Sacraments. My relationship with God is what pulled me through the divorce. I think I may have just gotten complacent in recent months and need to reaffirm my faith in God.

A good rule of thumb is to not do anything that you wouldn’t do if you were still married. Because in the eyes of the Church, until/unless you are granted an annullment, you still are married.

I have some issues with this response, as it is the most common that I have found. I must say it is “easier said than done.” The fact of the matter is that it is very hard to remember what it was even like to be married. It really begs the question “Well how do I do that?” which is where the real meat of the issue is.

Thanks everyone for your responses. It means alot.

 

[mamaslo]

We all need one another. We are all part of the body of Christ. You can have friendships as brother and sister, and actually, that is a very good thing. It helps build true friendship and knowing that it cannot be anything more helps define how you behave. It makes you learn about the whole person. Instead of just the attractive parts.

Make sure you have plenty of male companionship, men with like minds. So you don’t have to worry as much about your thoughts in that way. You can do this, with God’s help.

I thank God for you and men like you who are attempting purity.

 

[joanofarc2008]

It is difficult. Find a good support group. Pray often. Seek Reconciliation often.

 

[Winter_Warlock]

Whelanm87,

I know that everyone here means well and tries to offer good advice and support. But what you really should do is talk to your Priest. I doubt that any here would be able to give you better advice on Church teachings than he would.Not to say that advice some are giving you is not valid but it will help much more to talk with a Priest.

Winter