Life falling apart since becoming Catholic

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Long story short I’ve been attending Mass for just over 2 years and I came into the Church Easter 2015.

Since showing interest in Catholicism I’ve given up pornography, greatly reduced my temptation to masturbate (succumbed a few times but always confess and do my best to move forward). I would have described myself as addicted to masturbation from about the age 13-14 to 30. I rarely curse, I don’t watch terrible shows on TV anymore, I really do feel like I’m a better person in so many ways, I still have sins and faults as we all do, but I try to bring it before the Lord in Confession atleast once a month…however my wife and I do not get along at all now. I want out of our marriage so bad…I don’t “feel” love for her and how she feels toward me changes on a daily basis. I just don’t understand what is happening in our marriage, me coming to the faith should make us better people…make us closer to God and I feel like we are just moving apart. I’ve been praying for guidance, clarity, and strength to know and do the right thing (God’s will). But I can’t help but think I’m not married to the “right” woman. Not that I should be married to someone else, but just not her.

I married at 22 to the only girl I ever dated. We fell in “love” and the rest is history. We have beautiful children and have been married 9 years now. Things moved fast and she was coming off of a tough breakup with a long relationship. I don’t recall the exact time frame but I gave into pressure and we had sex within a month or so dating(neither of us were well formed with any sort of Christian morals, didn’t attend any churches until our daughter turned 1)…I had never done anything even close to that. She was active with her previous boyfriend (all that I know of). With all these details and how quick everything moved and given my family history growing up I’m just so fearful and sad and really don’t believe in my heart that I’m supposed to be married to her.

I know all of these things sound terrible and I don’t feel good about these thoughts…but I don’t know what to do with them. They aren’t going away despite me praying, talking to priests, etc. I wonder if I’m supposed to be a single man the rest of my life…I just don’t know and I can’t stand having these thoughts all the time.

I don’t expect affirmation or any particular advice, but I just had to have another outlet to at-least air my feelings.
 
Has your wife become Catholic as well? When a man becomes Catholic, he is no longer the same man. He changes a lot and yes it is a good thing. However, to a non-Catholic, he is just no longer the same person. And trust me, non-Catholics will NEVER see the good in being Catholic. If they did, they would convert and join the church.

The dynamics of your marriage have greatly changed and your wife is not comfortable with it. It will take years to resolve.

Sorry, I don’t have better news

Angie
 
Sorry, I thought I had included her journey. She has not joined the faith and I don’t think she will. (I know only God knows) Every opportunity to get a jab in about the faith she gets it in. I’m not saying I’m not at fault for any of her behavior either. I realize that I can still be a better man…I just don’t know what else to do.
 
sfleet said:
Sorry, I thought I had included her journey. She has not joined the faith and I don’t think she will. (I know only God knows) Every opportunity to get a jab in about the faith she gets it in. I’m not saying I’m not at fault for any of her behavior either. I realize that I can still be a better man…I just don’t know what else to do.
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Well, as much as it takes 2 to tango, I think it is at best immature of her to take jabs at the faith and I would encourage you to set a boundary. Yes, you should be understanding of your wife. But don’t become a door matt
 
Are you spending a lot of time at Church other than Sunday Mass? Have you become involved in volunteer activities?

Does she feel threatened by the time you are spending in Church?

Do you talk about religion a lot with her? When I first returned to the Church it was all I talked about and thought about and I know I hurt my ex-husband by focusing so much on my faith.

I was in a similar situation as you describe only I was the one who returned to the Catholic faith. My ex-husband was not religious and he was very jealous of any time I spent in the Church, including Sunday Mass. We tried for six years to make our marriage work after I returned to the Church but we finally gave up and divorced. I hope you can save your marriage.

I gave up trying to discuss my religious beliefs with him because it always ended up in an argument.

I highly recommend reading the book When Only One Converts. You can find it on Amazon.

Things that were recommended to me:
Make the rest of Sunday special for your wife. Take her out to breakfast or bring breakfast home for her after Mass.

Switch to a different Mass time where it will not impact the time the two of you normally spend together as much.

Talk about other subjects.

Try marriage counseling.
 
Dear brother,
It’s wonderful that you are in the church, closer to Christ,
You are married and a father, so that is where you belong. Please try to be the best father and husband you can be, be Christ to your wife without talking about it.
Ask her what you can do to help her with housework.
Offer to do the dishes, do laundry, etc.
Spend time with the children and with her.
Take her out to dinner, and don’t talk about religion.

I hope you can stay and make a beautiful thing of your marriage. Leaving would hurt your children.
We find happiness in this life by trying to do the will of God, not by looking for happiness. And this life is so short, what counts is eternity.
God bless.

.
 
Viki63 said:
Dear brother,
It’s wonderful that you are in the church, closer to Christ,
You are married and a father, so that is where you belong. Please try to be the best father and husband you can be, be Christ to your wife without talking about it.
Ask her what you can do to help her with housework.
Offer to do the dishes, do laundry, etc.
Spend time with the children and with her.
Take her out to dinner, and don’t talk about religion.

I hope you can stay and make a beautiful thing of your marriage. Leaving would hurt your children.
We find happiness in this life by trying to do the will of God, not by looking for happiness. And this life is so short, what counts is eternity.
God bless.

Wise words. OP you have made a commitment in marriage and now your children are part of that.

Someone wise once opined that all new converts should be locked away for a year. ie their sheer exuberance can be hard to live with…

Please, try. Meet her on her ground as you did before? Blessings…
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sfleet said:
.
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Hi sfleet,

I’m 24 and I am not married nor have dated.

Personally, I would say that the thoughts such as the following -
sfleet said:
But I can’t help but think I’m not married to the “right” woman. Not that I should be married to someone else, but just not her.
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Are from the enemy and to be rejected straight away, as you are married to her, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death do you part. She may not love you but you can love her. Currently your in ‘sickness’ and ‘worse’. There is always the possibility of ‘health’ and ‘better’. She is family, just like your kids, and we wouldn’t think about our kids like they aren’t the ‘right’ kids for me.

Whether they are right or not, they are your kids, and if one goes off the rails, even becomes dangerous, you would do what’s necessary to protect yourself or uphold law and order (Depends on the scenario but I’m sure you know what I mean), but they are still your kids, no matter what.

I would recommend praying and persevering. Doesn’t mean you become a doormat, you can still stand up for yourself if necessary, but it means that you don’t give up on her and never will and that she knows that even if she has given up on you or despises you.

Anyway, I don’t know the situation nor have had experience, so feel free to reject this if it’s not helpful.

I hope this has helped

God Bless You

Thank you for reading
Josh
 
Not necessary to make an issue of anything.

Just get to Mass every Sunday.

If you can get to daily Mass once in a while, that’s good also.

During the week, visit a Catholic church just to make a visit to the Blessed Sacrament and pray.

Carry a Rosary with you and when it comes to mind, say a few decades.

Work your way into it.

Developing a mature spirituality takes time and practice.

Do some spiritual reading.

Browse through the “shop” button at the top of this page and see if some of the books or booklets appeal to you.

Get on the mailing list for some Catholic publishers and look through their offerings.

It’s a gradual process.
 
Prayers for you. Tough situation. What are you doing with the kids…are they in CCD? Maybe you can find a moms group at the church or some social group at the church you both could attend, then she might warm to the idea of religion. I belong to several groups and we welcome members who are not Catholic. Maybe your priest can suggest someone to reach out to your wife. Sounds a little like maybe she is threatened by your new faith. Remember, you are not the man she married…

Once again…prayers…and venting to friends is not a bad idea…
 
Pray the rosary alone at some convenient time. The Rosary is powerful. You can divide the decades if you wish.
 
You all need a month holiday ,New Zealand would be just right,try it,will change your Life
 
v21337304 said:
Pray the rosary alone at some convenient time. The Rosary is powerful. You can divide the decades if you wish.
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Would she be willing to make a marriage retreat with you? I would try to encourage her to do so. You could ask your priest about the best one for you. I know there is one for couples with serious marriage problems but I can’t remember the name. For your children’s sake it certainly would be worth a try. I see so many children suffering from their family breakup. I am a product of divorce, even tho my Mom was well justified, and she was great with all 10 of us kids. I got reacquainted many years later with my Dad after he quit drinking and am so thankful. He could have been a wonderful father if not for the drinking. They didn’t have the help for him way back then. God Bless, Memaw
 
sfleet said:
Long story short I’ve been attending Mass for just over 2 years and I came into the Church Easter 2015.

Since showing interest in Catholicism I’ve given up pornography, greatly reduced my temptation to masturbate (succumbed a few times but always confess and do my best to move forward). I would have described myself as addicted to masturbation from about the age 13-14 to 30. I rarely curse, I don’t watch terrible shows on TV anymore, I really do feel like I’m a better person in so many ways, I still have sins and faults as we all do, but I try to bring it before the Lord in Confession atleast once a month…however my wife and I do not get along at all now. I want out of our marriage so bad…I don’t “feel” love for her and how she feels toward me changes on a daily basis. I just don’t understand what is happening in our marriage, me coming to the faith should make us better people…make us closer to God and I feel like we are just moving apart. I’ve been praying for guidance, clarity, and strength to know and do the right thing (God’s will). But I can’t help but think I’m not married to the “right” woman. Not that I should be married to someone else, but just not her.

I married at 22 to the only girl I ever dated. We fell in “love” and the rest is history. We have beautiful children and have been married 9 years now. Things moved fast and she was coming off of a tough breakup with a long relationship. I don’t recall the exact time frame but I gave into pressure and we had sex within a month or so dating(neither of us were well formed with any sort of Christian morals, didn’t attend any churches until our daughter turned 1)…I had never done anything even close to that. She was active with her previous boyfriend (all that I know of). With all these details and how quick everything moved and given my family history growing up I’m just so fearful and sad and really don’t believe in my heart that I’m supposed to be married to her.

I know all of these things sound terrible and I don’t feel good about these thoughts…but I don’t know what to do with them. They aren’t going away despite me praying, talking to priests, etc. I wonder if I’m supposed to be a single man the rest of my life…I just don’t know and I can’t stand having these thoughts all the time.

I don’t expect affirmation or any particular advice, but I just had to have another outlet to at-least air my feelings.
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1 Corinthians 7:12-20

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

17 Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. 18 Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. 19 Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God’s commands is what counts. 20 Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.

May God add His blessing to the reading of His Holy Word. :signofcross:
 
phil_at_dayboro said:
You all need a month holiday ,New Zealand would be just right,try it,will change your Life
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:rolleyes:

OR, if you aren’t independently wealthy and actually have employment that will not allow you to spend a month in a foreign land, you could try a Sunday tradition of a picnic after Mass. My family tries to do this every Sunday and it isn’t very expensive and I think it really helps us to stay bonded as a couple. We try to involve some sort of activity with the picnic. Today we are going to buy Subway Sandwiches and take the kids on a ride on a miniature train. Last Sunday, we went to a pumpkin farm. We’ve done canoe rentals, hiking, the zoo, a drive in the country, a tour of a cave (that one was pricy), a ride on a river ferry. The point is to get out of the house and spend time together where you aren’t distracted by yard work or cooking or the internet or football.
 
Memaw said:
Would she be willing to make a marriage retreat with you? I would try to encourage her to do so. You could ask your priest about the best one for you. I know there is one for couples with serious marriage problems but I can’t remember the name. For your children’s sake it certainly would be worth a try. I see so many children suffering from their family breakup. I am a product of divorce, even tho my Mom was well justified, and she was great with all 10 of us kids. I got reacquainted many years later with my Dad after he quit drinking and am so thankful. He could have been a wonderful father if not for the drinking. They didn’t have the help for him way back then. God Bless, Memaw
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Retrouvaille is the name.
 
To become Catholic, is to raise the bar. We come forward and among other things, understand and admit when we are wrong. This can only be helpful to us in our journey of following Christ, our purification.

When we have secrets, sins that we have somehow justified or mitigated in our mind, on our own, Catholicism can tip that uneasy balance. We have to examine ourselves, which can be very painful for some. Other faiths don’t always demand this level of scrutiny. This could be the source of trouble. What you are seeing may not be disapproval of you or your choices, but rather her own personal discomfort. The truth is hard, and often uncomfortable.

Gently “lance” the infection somehow if you can. Help her to expose the truth. If she can’t with you, maybe you can offer to let her talk with a Priest. We all have committed horrible sins in the distant past we are ashamed of. I know I have. Frame your wife’s dislike of your faith as HER fear and respond with love and understanding. Gently work towards a healing, and maybe she will one day become an avid Catholic herself.
 
Monte_RCMS said:
Not necessary to make an issue of anything.

Just get to Mass every Sunday.

If you can get to daily Mass once in a while, that’s good also.

During the week, visit a Catholic church just to make a visit to the Blessed Sacrament and pray.

Carry a Rosary with you and when it comes to mind, say a few decades.

Work your way into it.

Developing a mature spirituality takes time and practice.

Do some spiritual reading.

Browse through the “shop” button at the top of this page and see if some of the books or booklets appeal to you.

Get on the mailing list for some Catholic publishers and look through their offerings.

It’s a gradual process.
Click to expand...
This, PLUS…
know that your turn BACK to God has angered the prince of lies.
This is a manifestation of the devil trying to get you back into “his” fold.
Doubts, questions, problems wit your relationships.
You did the right thing.
Study, be a good husband, a good father, and persevere.
Win the race. It’s worth it.
Welcome home.
 
When we allow certain thoughts to remain over and over in our minds we begin to believe what may not be true or real. Continuing to meditate on the thoughts you have about your wife not being the right one for you can only breed trouble. I urge you, and I will pray this for you, that you will meditate on how much your love and respect your wife and how important your marriage is to you. As time goes by and you replace the negative thoughts with the positive ones you will begin to return to the relationship God blessed when you were married. An old friend once told me this saying which has helped me overcome intrusive thoughts through the years.
SAY THOSE THINGS THAT ARE NOT AS IF THEY WERE.
If you try this out I feel certain it will help. Throughout the day repeat positive thoughts about your wife when the negative ones enter your mind. God bless you on this journey.
 
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