Lifelong Struggle with Jealousy

[MarloweDore]

Hello guys,

Getting acquainted with you guys is the goal of this post, even if it’s about me. Depending on your answers, I can get an idea of what kind of Catholics frequent this forum. While I know the perfect Catholic does not exist, I’m hoping you’ll be the kind that will make me believe that God is not the only one who I can go to not only for truth, but compassion.

You will soon have proof that I am very honest and expect nothing but the same.

I feel that my life has been shadowed by my love and jealousy for my sister. She’s the best thing that happened to me before I truly gave myself to Jesus and I think that is sad.

We’ve been through the thick and thin of it and I must say, I clung onto the idea of our happy past when she had run away, and rejected anything to do with her family just to sustain my love for her. Now, she’s much reformed and we’ve repaired our relationship, she now doing many favors for me, but it seems nothing has changed with our fortunes.

It seems like since I was born (I’m the younger sibling) that she has always garnered more of the luck and more of the love. With those two things, she seemed unstoppable. She is beautiful, popular and kind only when she pleased, which made me believe that she knew all things.

And sometimes, I still think I believe that. How could I not when she’s madly in love with a great guy, living with her boyfriend the independent life of the rebel and still managing to be a morally-grounded individual…she’s like the one person who defied the laws of creation who had her cake and ate it too. It seems like she’s the one person who can rewrite God’s law.

I say that because by all appearances she’s happy with her life. Much happier than me, and much more at peace.

I fall asleep at night hoping and praying that I won’t die old and alone, and still living with my parents, like she once foretold when we were younger. My twenties are hardly over, but I feel like I’m the one whose going to go to hell, for my angry and my proud, comparison-obsessed heart, and that it has already started now.

How can I forgive her when she has done me no wrong? Does anyone know?

 

[Viki63]

Welcome to the forum.
To answer your question, you will find all kinds of Catholics on this forum, and also people who are not Catholic. Excellent protestants, sometimes intelligent atheists, and the occasional wacky person. So when you ask a question, you have to have a thick skin, and not take all the replies too personally. Sometimes people even go off on tangents, and start arguing with each other and forget about the original poster. But you can glean some good advice among the occasional chaff.

I’m sorry to hear about your jealousy of your sister. It sounds like you are Catholic and she is not, yet she has a great boyfriend and a good life, while yours is not yet what you want it to be. Maybe it would help to separate your feeling for her from your desire to improve your life. Try not to compare. But if you are going to compare, would you really trade your knowing Christ, being able to receive Him in the Eucharist and grow closer to Him, for a boyfriend? There is really no comparison. She may seem very happy, many people who aren’t Christians do, but when it comes down to it, her life may have no strong foundation, and if tough times come along she will have nowhere to turn.

She cannot rewrite God’s law. If she’s living with her boyfriend, that’s a sin. She probably doesn’t recognize it as such, but think about it: her boyfriend doesn’t care enough about her to marry her. (Don’t say that to her!) Is that the kind of relationship you want? Wouldn’t you rather wait for a good Christian man who cares enough to commit himself to you?

If you want to forgive her, pray for her. I would recommend praying for her every day, because you may be her only hope of getting into heaven.
Hope this helps. God bless.

 

[Auntie_A]

First I would like to validate your feelings by saying that the two-sister relationship is probably the most difficult family relationship. Also, the impact of siblings in our life can often be more significant than the impact of parents. Next, it is said that if there is jealousy between siblings, there is another family member or members that set up that competition in the first place.

All of that said, I have noticed that I made personal choices to be so darned extra honest because my sister was such a dishonest liar. I realized this when I was an actor and had to play a ruthless person–I felt so stuck until I realized I was trying too hard not to be my sister. When I began to love her and trust in God, I made breakthroughs in my acting and in my life. I wish I could have just enjoyed more of her colorful stories as a kid, but frankly, she scared me with her aggressive antics back then.
Now I realize she might have a mood or personality disorder, who knows? God has been good to her daughters and I do not resent that. There are things my sister could not have in her life so I am grateful that she has two successful daughters who both have lovely children who love their grandma. I will not begrudge my sister that happiness.

What is important for me now is that I live a full life and do not feel impinged by her. Because she likes red, that doesn’t mean I am forced to love blue. Because she loves chocolate, that doesn’t mean I have to stick to vanilla…I hope you catch my drift. It is too easy to limit our lives and personalities in reaction to someone else, especially someone else who goes out and grabs their life, while we passively live out our idea of goodness, locked in a cage. THAT would be our mistake. Live God louder and with more happiness and appreciation. If your sister lives in some kind of immorality, that is her problem. Don’t let her life hold you back.

Love her and love the gift of life that God gave you. Having a sister who lives a life that might not hold up to orthodoxy is not a rare event. It may be your saving grace if you re-think it all.

Let go of the outrage, pray for her and do the things in your life that will make it a richer life: take dance classes, join a club, throw parties, write a book. I took care of my parents when they were sick, and before they died, but I moved out a few times and lived my life and travelled a bit and found my own way. I had to move home a few times to care for them again, but looking back, I am grateful for that time with my parents. You are different from her; but don’t let that be the limiting factor in your own identity.

You mentioned two words about your sister: “seemed” and “appeared”. Those are key words because as Christians, we must look at things deeper than the surface. Of course, she looks good in her situation. Sometimes that is all a person has when they are in spiritual trouble: the ability to appear happy or good.

Deal with this jealousy as an alcoholic in recovery deals with the booze: one day at a time. You might conquer it all and then six months later, something will happen and it will all rush in again. In fact, if you forget the jealousy too much, it usually does rush in. Constant spiritual vigilance on this jealousy issue with responsibility but without blame for anyone would be a good antidote. Keep on praying. You will find that many people have had their crosses.

As someone who is twice your age, I would remind you that you do not know how much time on earth you, your sister, your parents and other loved ones have. If your resentments eat at you, you might lose precious time with loved ones. Living a rich Christian life means we love people even when we see that their behaviors are questionable.

And a sense of perspective and humor about our own life can keep you immune from hurtful criticism. If she ever gets snide you can answer,“So who gets to play me in the movie of our life sis; Bette Davis or Joan Crawford?” Well, OK, I guess that “Baby Jane” image might be dated …how about “Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Anniston”? Anyway laugh at the set-up. Don’t let it get too serious or big. It is an illusion. Love your family. Learn from them.

 

[MarloweDore]

Dear Auntie A and Viki63.

I prayed about what you guys are saying and the conclusion, I believe, is something that many people have told me I’ve always had in many varying ways, including my sister. I have agency and responsibility (she didn’t say it like that tho). I’ve implemented this in a kind of selective way. Where I use it on people and situations when I think I’ll win (aka. the ideal consequence will occur) and don’t when I believe I’ll lose, when in reality I should always believe that 90% of my situation I am able to change, especially with my position in life where I’m going to school without paying for it out of my own pocket.

The thing that I believe I heard last night from the Holy Spirit is that I can’t be busy being jealous of her when she needs me to be Christ to her NOW and always…Maybe it’s the devils ploy for me to resent that she has more than I do, even if I’m the “good” one. Because that divides us as sisters, turning what we really have (and I do recognize we have something strong and real as I’m kind of the only one she opens up to about everything in her life, including in some limited sense, her insecurities, and that I consider her my best friend) into an instrument to send her to hell.

Auntie A, I think you’re right about much of what you’re saying. Thankyou for going into detail about what you’re experience was growing up with your sister and the rivalry and cruelty that you experienced. I can recognize much of my mind-set in what you’re saying, even if it doesn’t seem to me to be as pronounced in my life, and even though my sister has changed since we were teens, I can see that I’m treating my sister like I do believe she’s my enemy at times. Yes, “Seems” and “appears” are not the reality of the person’s spiritual condition.

I do need to live God with all I have. And I think I already do, being part of the choir ministry at church since I was 6 and helping as a Eucharistic Minister for the Homebound. My major is Creative Writing and my Minor is French (Je parle presque courament!). I’m going to study abroad in France next semester if my visa is approved! These things I recognize are my joy and real vocation I believe! But somehow I’ve been seeing them as inferior to what she has since I have twisted ideas about who is loved more because of their gifts from God.

You guys are right, I do need to help her and not try to mentally tear her down because she’s not invincible and infallible though she may give me that impression. You’re right, she may be unhappy with her station in life or even her boyfriend (which makes me not like him again) and on her way to an eternity without God.

Scary stuff I would never want to happen to her. Because like I said, while I’m jealous of her. I really do love her and want her (and her boyfriend!) to go to heaven.

Thanks guys, you’re really telling it like the Holy Spirit.