Life's Battles

  • Thread starter Thread starter chaz0426
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

chaz0426

Guest
This is sort of a rant because I am simply at a loss right now and have no one else to talk to. I know I am lucky in many ways and many people are much worse off but I have never seen my luck and in general my life be as low as it is now. To anyone that actually reads thank you and God bless you.
I am a 21 year old male feeling like 50 and the last year of my life has been the hardest yet. Last year I started struggling in my Engineering college courses and consequently failed them. I was soon given a diagnosis of Adult ADD and a short term Depression as a side effect to my failures, college stresses, and shortcomings. With the help of my parents I took the last 6 months off of school to stay at home and take a lighter course load. My long distance ex gf as well as a long time child hood friend confessed she cheated on me and left me in less than a day and haven’t heard from again. The girl before her also cheated on me just 8 months prior to her. She was the one person I thought I could trust and she helped me keep going in my academic struggles. I then failed 2 out 3 community college courses this past spring and will have to re-take those. I lost touch with virtually all of my college buddies and in trying to get back in touch 95% of them never responded. So much for friends. My family just moved 3 hours away so home is now a decent drive away. A long time close friend (a girl) who is 10 minutes in town for the summer kept promising to hang out and she dropped out of existence within the past month. I now officially have no close friends or anyone to talk to in person. All my friends I thought I had simply dissapeared if they were friends ever at all. I use to work out 5 days a week and be very in shape. The past 6 months my anti-depressants caused me to go from 190lbs to 210lbs and I am no longer on them as they actually seemed to cause even more depression. I now know my depression is just external extenuating factors in my life and not a chemical imbalance and taking those meds probably screwed me up even more. I use to be very optimiistic and relatively happy all of my life and now I am overly pessimistic and sadly my pessimism seems to prove me right in almost everything lately

I hadn’t attended mass in 4 months after having weekend classes so on Saturday on verge of tears and weeks of loneliness I turned to the Lord and I went to confession and promised myself and God that I will now attend mass regularly again which helped take a lot of guilt off of me. The priest I usually confessed to and who offered great advice to me in the past unfortunately wasn’t there when I needed him most. The substitute priest dug into my sins and kept asking about my depression and asking if I was on meds and was seeing help ect ect.To which he offered his short advice in response to me feeling like God has abandoned me and I’m losing my sense of hope “We pray because we can”?? He seemed clueless on what to say and I didn’t even share that much or create an awkward confession which was the sad part. Some priests are clueless with advice I guess. I no longer live in that town and will most likely not see that parish any time soon.

What kept me going was my summer internship which I was so excited about for months and which I found out today will be coming to an abrupt end next week. I put countless hours of effort and hard work hoping to be accepted and noticed and hopefully be offered a future job or another internship. Even though the work I did was not related to my job title as a Computer Specilaist or related to my Computer Engineering degree, I still put in my best effort of work in menial tasks I did. My Supervisor who started off friendly and supportive for the first 3 weeks simply dissapeared and was always in meetings or taking vacations and was never in touch. He would never take the time to listen to me the past 6 weeks anytime I came to his office to discuss my tasks or show him my completed work.Still I had hope and shrugged it off.

Only to find out today from my supervisor that I over exceeded my given tasks and even though it was great and I did a lot of helpful work for them, they won’t be needing me anymore simply because they “ran out of work for me to do” and I will be “let go”. Now I will have no more steady income or a job which puts more anxiety and so much more stress on myself. I put hours of effort into menial spreadsheet work that I knew no one else wanted to do and it was intern work. I put in the effort with hope and expecting nothing but a simple “thank you” and some regocnition to help get my foot in the door so I can be given more related and somewhat interesting work.

Instead I got a simple “layoff”. This was a federal government job too, I asked about my paperwork saying “14 weeks” to which they said oh that is only if I am needed that long. It clearly didn’t say that on paper, but hey it’s the Fed they can do what they want. I feel hopeless, insulted, degraded and used. I then realized my supervisor most likely just wanted me to do work no one else wanted to do and that was it. I never had a chance no matter how hard I worked to be given any serious recognition. I don’t even have any serious experience to put on my resume at all out of this internship. A 10 year old could have typed up spreadsheets and compiled lists and done the work that I did.
 
I don’t know who to trust anymore. I feel like whenever I get going again and have a glimmer of hope on the horizon something takes it away every other day. I know the Lord doesn’t give us a Cross we can’t carry but I feel like I am about to drop my Cross and die because of it’s weight. It’s been months now and my life on earth latley feels like a living hell of disappointments, betrayals, people using me for their own ends, and hopelessness.

Suicide is never an option for me simply because I am blessed to have supportive family and Suicide is a selfish act. Even if there seems to be no reason to keep living, I live for them. I just wish God would help out a little sometimes and ease the burden. It’s been nearly a year now.

I know there are people in much worse situations but please pray for me as I will continue even if I am unanswered simply because I can do nothing more. I pray for hope, renewed trust and faith in people, and new better opportunities that don’t collapse on top of me. I also pray for everyone and anyone who are in similar or even worse situations than I am. I pray that life will not seem like a “pre-hell” and will shine it’s light. I pray that our politicians and corporate leaders use their best judgement and not follow their own selfish ends (as seems to be the case lately).
 
Praying from today’s Liturgy of the Hours:

Psalm 61 (62)
Peace in God

Let us wait in hope for the blessing which will come when the glory of the Saviour appears.

My soul, find peace in God alone:
from him comes my salvation.
It is he who is my refuge and my safeguard,
my stronghold: I shall never be shaken.

How long will you assail a man
and band together to crush him,
like a toppling wall or a falling fence?
They plan to thrust him down from his high place.
They delight in lies:
with their lips they bless, but a curse is in their hearts.

My soul, find peace in God alone,
for he gives me strength to endure.
It is he who is my God and my safeguard,
my stronghold: I shall never be shaken.

In God is my salvation and my glory,
God is my strength – my refuge is with God.
Trust in him, all you people together,
pour out your hearts before him;
God is our refuge.
The children of Adam are as nothing;
the children of men are a deceit.
Weigh them in the scales, and they rise:
they are lighter than a puff of smoke.

Put no trust in violence,
do not be seduced into robbery;
and if riches come, do not count upon them.
God has spoken once and for all.
Two things have I heard him say:
that strength belongs to God,
and that mercy, Lord, belongs to you.
For to each of us you give
whatever our actions have deserved.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit,
as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be,
world without end.
Amen.

Let us wait in hope for the blessing which will come when the glory of the Saviour appears.
 
Being too good at something akin to having too much experience! As an out-of-work 59 year-old, I can vouch for the malaise caused by those kind of words. Question? Did you get a reference letter from your supervisor? Have you searched usajobs.com by state for engineering related occupations? Your state and local counties maintain websites with jobs posted. Do not worry about degrees. Experience and flexibility count!
You are having one serious melt down! I will not belittle your personal life. For inspiration, try reading Cure d’Ars available from TAN. maybe your parish has or can buy a copy. The struggles this saint went thru are both relevant and revealing. One thought I took away is that the SIMPLE life, lived faithfully, will answer the questions you have now. Find one thing and do it well.
David
P.S. my son Nate was stationed outside of Phoenix his first Air Force assignment-Luke. He was turning wrenches i=on an F-16, now he is working at the Pentagon. Great gig.

d
Burnsville, MN
 
:gopray2: Prayers for you
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. amen
 
davidrasch said:
Being too good at something akin to having too much experience! As an out-of-work 59 year-old, I can vouch for the malaise caused by those kind of words. Question? Did you get a reference letter from your supervisor? Have you searched usajobs.com by state for engineering related occupations? Your state and local counties maintain websites with jobs posted. Do not worry about degrees. Experience and flexibility count!
You are having one serious melt down! I will not belittle your personal life. For inspiration, try reading Cure d’Ars available from TAN. maybe your parish has or can buy a copy. The struggles this saint went thru are both relevant and revealing. One thought I took away is that the SIMPLE life, lived faithfully, will answer the questions you have now. Find one thing and do it well.
David
P.S. my son Nate was stationed outside of Phoenix his first Air Force assignment-Luke. He was turning wrenches i=on an F-16, now he is working at the Pentagon. Great gig.

d
Burnsville, MN
Click to expand...
Thanks so much, I was having a melt down and that’s how I vent it out is through writing it even if it’s too myself but I prefer sharing with other’s to get (name removed by moderator)ut and advice as well. I have since cooled off however. I return to school in the fall so that is the next step so on the bright side I guess I can better prepare for that now and enjoy unemployment once again. I just felt secure that after a long time of trying to find a job and gain some experience I acheived that only for it to be ripped away and not having really gained any valuable experience for future employment at all other than office politics and witnessing for myself certain work ethics people have that I won’t go into. I guess even that is better than not having any sort of job experience. I just pray that this trend starts to go positive even slowly. It just seems when it can’t get any worse it does (knock on wood) and has been that way this year. I still do my best to be optimistic and look for opportunities so hopefully this will open up better avenues that I can’t see yet. I do my best to believe God know’s what’s best for us and this is part of his plan, it at least gives me some sort of comfort. Hopefully when the economy gets better people’s lives will too. Thanks for your advice and I’ll be sure to look into it.
 
the_phoenix said:
Praying from today’s Liturgy of the Hours:

Psalm 61 (62)
Peace in God

Let us wait in hope for the blessing which will come when the glory of the Saviour appears.

My soul, find peace in God alone:
from him comes my salvation.
It is he who is my refuge and my safeguard,
my stronghold: I shall never be shaken.

How long will you assail a man
and band together to crush him,
like a toppling wall or a falling fence?
They plan to thrust him down from his high place.
They delight in lies:
with their lips they bless, but a curse is in their hearts.

My soul, find peace in God alone,
for he gives me strength to endure.
It is he who is my God and my safeguard,
my stronghold: I shall never be shaken.

In God is my salvation and my glory,
God is my strength – my refuge is with God.
Trust in him, all you people together,
pour out your hearts before him;
God is our refuge.
The children of Adam are as nothing;
the children of men are a deceit.
Weigh them in the scales, and they rise:
they are lighter than a puff of smoke.

Put no trust in violence,
do not be seduced into robbery;
and if riches come, do not count upon them.
God has spoken once and for all.
Two things have I heard him say:
that strength belongs to God,
and that mercy, Lord, belongs to you.
For to each of us you give
whatever our actions have deserved.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit,
as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be,
world without end.
Amen.

Let us wait in hope for the blessing which will come when the glory of the Saviour appears.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much, I really liked reading that psalm.
 
Dear Chaz0426,

It is best for you to hope in God and place all your trust in him alone - not in men. Always. Fortunately, you have your family, who is still supportive. Some people are left all alone in their problems and don’t even have a supportive family to love them. Life for them becomes so utterly unbearable because they do not receive love from others, even from those who were family; life becomes pure hell for them. I wouldn’t pass judgement on them, their circumstances are so dire and impoverished. Consider yourself blessed to at least have a loving family to live for - and know that God, through these losses one after another, is just pruning you to be completely dependent on him alone. He is just preparing you for bigger and better things, and he wants to divest you of everything - EVERYTHING - so you can have more room in your heart for him and possess him alone. Be detatched from everything other than God with absolute love for God and neighbor; pray for a good chunk of time daily; do spiritual reading; go to confession and daily Mass. You’ll soon soar in the spiritual life and will get out of your dark night with the sun shining bright on your cheeks, your soul filled with the Holy Spirit to sustain you .
 
All in all, Chaz, I must say you impressed me.

You’ve had some tough life experiences, but in the end you’re holding up well, considering, and I ask the Lord to lead you through to a good and happy future.
 
ready said:
Dear Chaz0426,

It is best for you to hope in God and place all your trust in him alone - not in men. Always. Fortunately, you have your family, who is still supportive. Some people are left all alone in their problems and don’t even have a supportive family to love them. Life for them becomes so utterly unbearable because they do not receive love from others, even from those who were family; life becomes pure hell for them. I wouldn’t pass judgement on them, their circumstances are so dire and impoverished. Consider yourself blessed to at least have a loving family to live for - and know that God, through these losses one after another, is just pruning you to be completely dependent on him alone. He is just preparing you for bigger and better things, and he wants to divest you of everything - EVERYTHING - so you can have more room in your heart for him and possess him alone. Be detatched from everything other than God with absolute love for God and neighbor; pray for a good chunk of time daily; do spiritual reading; go to confession and daily Mass. You’ll soon soar in the spiritual life and will get out of your dark night with the sun shining bright on your cheeks, your soul filled with the Holy Spirit to sustain you .
Click to expand...
Thanks, that is what I keep telling myself and what keeps me going. I will have to press on until God decides I’m done and pray that things become brighter ahead. My gut tells me so and I hope come January that a better year awaits and things until then go on an upward trend. I myself also have to take preventable measures as well to protect myself from things I am able to prevent in my life.

This week looks to be much better. It turns out after a long discussion with my supervisor that it was nothing on my part or any wrong doing it was their end that didn’t come together. Still I’ll be unemployed but I guess It will help me to focus on other things too like my summer course prior to school. I guess God knows what will help you in the long term even if it hurts in the short term. At least that is what I tend to believe.

I don’t know what I’d do if I were one of those who didn’t even have family to fall back on. As much as I try to be independent and financially free as stressful as it is at this time in doing so in college, I find I am more and more dependent financially and emotionally on my parents until I can get a full time career which is still 2 years away at this time.

Thank so much for your words of support, God Bless
 
Trishie said:
All in all, Chaz, I must say you impressed me.

You’ve had some tough life experiences, but in the end you’re holding up well, considering, and I ask the Lord to lead you through to a good and happy future.
Click to expand...
Thanks Trishie, It’s been the roughest year of my 21 years here on earth so yea hopefully if anything it will get me ready for anything in the hopefully next 50 something to come or just lead to better things. We all have our falls and struggles. At certain times though maybe because of depression or what not it seems like there is no end. While my mood does fluctuate day to day like anyone’s would I guess, moments of dispair always tend to come from things that happen to me which latley seem to happen on a week per week basis.

Another prayer I just remembered is to hope I don’t have to pay my unfair traffic ticket. In May I was pulled over on the entrance ramp on I-66 (which is the only carpool interstate in the United States I believe that uses the entire freeway for carpool hours) and got ticketed and didn’t know my violation until the officer actually explained it to me. Apparently they use the entire interstate as an HOV and not just a separate lane as I had thought and I didn’t know that until he explained it to me. I guess most people in this area find that out by going through what happened to me. What a shame. Got to love the DC area.

Just a totally bad luck situation when trying to find my way in a new area. Well I decided to take it to court and hope they show mercy in saving me a $180 fine. If I have to pay it that’s like 7% of my current net worth and summer savings right there.

So if I get off that ticket it will be a good week, if not then it will be a bad week. Not the worst week but a semi bad one provided that is the only thing this week. If I get off the ticket then I’ll just use that to make the entire week good.

Pray as I will be praying.

I have never been to traffic court and have had a clean record until this incident. I think it’s unfair when police trap people like what they did. Even if I had realized at the last minute it would have been too late for me.
 
Chaz, I understand how the ticket incident is a shock as well as a financial drain you don’t need. This sort of thing, one crisis after another tended to happen when my eldest son was your age. I’d go through all the angst with him! And I’d hold my breath and pray he’d get through without ny more crises. He never figued what he did. “Mum, I’m a good person. Why do these things happen to me?” You feel like that?

We’ll say some prayers you can obtain some special consideration regarding the ticket.
 
I am praying for you chaz and hoping that things will start looking up for you soon. When you get knocked down, just brush yourself off and start over again. I know this is not easy with so many disappointments in a row. What I sometimes do when life is getting me down is just say to God, I offer this suffering up and will keep doing that until He turns the situation around. You also might want to read some of the Psalms.

Hail Mary,
full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the Fruit Of Thy Womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of our death.
Amen
 
Wow just wow… as of 30 minutes ago I have lost all faith with our justice system. As to my story about my ticket and a ticket at that $180 + a$60 court fee as a first violation on a perfectly clean slate… my God.

This morning I appeared in court neatly dressed in a suit and tie and did my best to be well prepared. Upon arriving I discovered that the courtroom had 50 other occupents with traffic tickets as well. Most of everyone else was dressed in sleazy attire or just normal wear, I can’t say that I blame them. I showed my best respect to the court and my judge. Unfamiliar with court practices specifically traffic court the judge made us all rise and discussed the procedure but did not offer a chance for any questions. She mentioned the chance to go see a “prosecutor” down the hall and to sign out which I did as I wasn’t sure how I should plead. I waited to see the “prosecutor” who was a polite young women and suggested that I plead not guilty (as I felt) and that would give me the chance to discuss my case. She said if I plead guilty I would not have the chance to discuss. I took that advice without question. Upon returning to the court room I was soon called up to hear my case in front of the 50 other people. Of course with my luck my officer was there which he approached. He told his side of the story which was just a brief paragraph of my stop. Thankfully he didn’t lie in any way I was aware of as it was his word against mine from the get go.

After taking my oath to tell the truth I plead my case emphasizing that the signs were not in an effective position and even if I had noticed and comprehended the overly confusing HOV system here in a split second I still would have been trapped. I mentioned how if I had attempted to avert the situation I would have violated other traffic laws and posed a high danger of a traffic accident. I mentioned how every other HOV system in the area has a separate lane and I would have in no way known that this interstate was different prior (signs were unclear and ineffective) being new unless someone had warned me.

Of course my printer broke down last night so I had no change to print out the pictures of the signs so I had no evidence to present.

The judge who was a late middle aged women (reminded me of judge Judy) nodded and said “that’s why there are signs and surely there were others in the area before you entered the entrance ramp. I find you guilty as charged with the penalty being a 60$ court fee as well as the fine to be paid within 15 days.”

Surely she was not in anyway related to judge Judy as she seemed almost robotic in her manner and tone. I guess if proceedings are repetitive for judges that can do that to them. Still no sense of sympathy or mercy of any kind?? I was practically talking to a computer it seemed.

At that time I had no chance to correct her misunderstanding of my plea or to reiterate that the signs themselves were ineffective! So as excruciating as it was I said “Thank you ma’am have a good day”.

Despite praying to God this week to give me luck and hope in this case, all odds and luck were used against me. My printer failing last night for use of my evidence being almost a humorous kick in the pants. Detours all around the court building causing me to be late (that didn’t affect the case thank God). My officer against all odds showing up for my case, and a very unsympathetic judge.

I have sense lost all faith and trust in our justice system as I have now witnessed and personally observed all evidence pointing to pure corruption and a systematic robbery of law abiding citizens. Why have any sort of mercy on me? Because it is purely a money seeking system, not justice. I was caught in a police trap…plain and simple and the judge was clearly without any sympathy of any kind and surely part of the “system”.

Despite having a clean record, it being my first ever offense of any kind, and my showing of every possible respect to the court and it’s judge, I was given nothing in the least. I can’t say I expected sympathy but I surely would have thought a tad would be given but all odds and people’s advice pointed that I’d at the very least have a reduced fine. I mines as well not have shown up at all.

I feel God betrayed me in some way and he just doesn’t like me I know that’s naive to claim but it surely feels like it.

Eli Eli lama sabachthani? (“My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”) I now know the true feeling.

I pray that God renew my faith and fix the corruption in our justice system whether local or country wide. I pray for better luck in the future and for great patience in this time of persistent misfortune. I ask you to join me as well and to pray for anyone in similar situations and times of doubt. Any suggestions for any specific prayers would be greatly appreciated as well. If anyone has personally similar experiences please due share as I feel alone at this moment in my depth of pure bad luck and neglected answers from God. Surely some sort of curse the universe has placed on me. I know know from experience that surely there must be supernatural forces in the universe of some kind because surely by an athiest’s theory of the universe as the play of dice or “statistical” odds of chance I would never have the kind of luck week by week I’ve had this past year in the pure negative. Thank you and God Bless.
 
Prayers to you to find deeper faith in God. I once heard my DH tell someone that God DOES give you more than you can handel so you need to rely on HIM. Bless you
 
petitfleur said:
Prayers to you to find deeper faith in God. I once heard my DH tell someone that God DOES give you more than you can handel so you need to rely on HIM. Bless you
Click to expand...
Thanks but why would he do that! Tough love?
 
Trishie said:
Chaz, I understand how the ticket incident is a shock as well as a financial drain you don’t need. This sort of thing, one crisis after another tended to happen when my eldest son was your age. I’d go through all the angst with him! And I’d hold my breath and pray he’d get through without ny more crises. He never figued what he did. “Mum, I’m a good person. Why do these things happen to me?” You feel like that?

We’ll say some prayers you can obtain some special consideration regarding the ticket.
Click to expand...
Thanks so much! I’ve felt like that for a while now! It’s not a good feeling despite trying hard to be optimistic :(. It’s not an issue with meds or depression because meds only made me more depressed and I feel better and less tired when not on them except I get headaches and irritated more easily since they messed with my brain, ugh so much for professionals. Thanks for your prayers!
 
LOL! (laughing out loud) guess what to anyone listening, I just got another ticket in the mail today for $200 bucks! Apparently a speed camera got me doing 15mph over just a week after the HOV incident. I didn’t even know it until my parents got the letter today.

They doubled it to $200 because it wasn’t paid in June but we didn’t get it in the mail because we moved on June 10th and the ticket was dated June 2nd (a week after the other violation) I rarely speed unless it’s an emergency or I’m extremely late to something extremely important and I always look for the posted speed sign so I know the speed limit when possible, I swear to God and the bible on that truthfully.

Since it was dated during the week it must have been one of the times I got lost in DC because of construction and was an hour late to work which caused me to hurry. I can’t recall what day that happened though.

It’s doubtful they’ll listen the mail explanation though, although there is no way I could have paid it on time since it was never received in the mail so I’ll see if I can get it reduced.

I share this with you guys because I just paid the court costs and fine of the other May incident I fought so hard over and went to court.

For the first time I actually had a pretty good few weeks in terms of things working out for me and little negative experiences. Then this hits me!

I can’t afford this, I just finished paying the other big fine I had lost in battle at court and then I get this literally days later and twice as expensive as the last one and best of all that I had no clue about! I still feel dumbfounded!

I’m actually finding it quite funny because I’m at the point where I just don’t care anymore, if my life is going to have such horrible luck I mines as well accept it and live with it till the end. God’s obviously not answering my prayers, as soon as I think he does…Wham!

These aren’t little things either at least to me, (I’m in college and living off $1000 bucks the best I can without a job) I can take normal bad luck or everyday stuff. These are major things that keep happening!

If it weren’t for my catholic faith, my supportive family, and just recovering from getting off my meds (that doubled my depression and suicide risk) I think this would drive me to a suicide contemplation no joke. Suicide is never nor will ever be an option for me as I have too many reasons to live despite all this (God and my family). I have always questioned and scorned people who choose suicide but I finally feel their pain and their sympathy if that makes any sense.

I don’t feel as down about this one though, just sort of don’t care. I felt great the past few weeks (no meds at all, they were half of the problem) I don’t want this stupid ticket to take it all away.

This is literally like the 5th “major” downer this summer. Keep em coming…

I think I’m starting to go insane and I might check myself into an insane asylum if this keeps happening. Obviously I’m doing something wrong that I just can’t see or correct. Maybe I’m already insane and I don’t even know it.I try so hard to prevent possible bad things like these tickets and they happen when I follow the laws everyday!

Sorry just thought I’d share.

I’ll keep praying however for myself and others who are in similar ruts in their life that just don’t go away.

Lord please guide us away from misery, pain, and bad luck and into your light, help guide us and protect us from the brokenness of this world. If not me then other people who need their prayers answered more urgently than me. Amen.

PS: If I make it out of this rut, I’m seriously going to write a book or make my own documentary about it no joke because if this isn’t a classic example of bad luck syndrome I don’t know what is! If I make it out and break the curse or whatever it is, I’m writing a book or youtube documentary to help others in similar situations!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top