Lightning bolt...and Guilt

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The other day I was discussing with one of my daughters the sadness I felt that not ONE!! - of my children in adulthood, follows the Faith into which they were baptised.

She reminded me that at one point in my life, which corresponded with their childhoods, I was in the position of having been excommunicated. I had made the decision to remarry, in a civil ceremony, while I was waiting for the annulment of my first marriage to be approved. This took well in excess of two years and I felt at the time that it was not a good situation for my children to be dealing with - hence the civil ceremony. I was excommunicated, and vehemently so, by the parish priest.

In due course, the annulment came through, and we were able to have a church wedding. So I was no longer excomminicated, but I was still very young, and I had been deeply hurt by the prohibition, and I kept away from the sacraments. I felt that I had been expendable, and that I was not wanted.
I took all my children to Mass, and they all received the Sacraments at the appropriate times.

I said to my daughter that statistically speaking, I would have expected that SOME of them would have practised their Faith - but she replied that they had all seen how hurt I had been at the time, and all remembered receiving Communion at Mass while I remained in the pew; she said “Sometimes it is what you DON’T do that has the bigger influence.” She said she wants no part of a Church which excommunicated her mother.

The excommunication was almost 35 years ago…I had no idea how badly they were going to be affected. Now I am devasted by the harm I have done, and although I have been attending the Latin Mass for several years and have long been in full communion with the Church, I feel I have no right to be there. It seems, suddenly, terribly wrong that I should be receiving the Sacraments, and all the spiritual comfort the Mass has been giving to me when I have failed to raise my children with the same values.

I don’t think I can go back to Mass now because of the enormous guilt. Suddenly it seems profligate that I am able to pray, now that I have been made aware of how my family feels.
I cannot in all conscience go back and I am devastated. One of my children has leukemia and I have been so strengthened by the Mass each week - I don’t know how I will be able to remain strong without attending Mass.
 
So you think you are bigger than God’s mercy? You feel that your sin can’t be covered by the great Sacrifice of Jesus Christ, who poured Himself out on the Cross for you? Yes, you made some mistakes in life . We all have. I still cringe at the things I have done 20 or more years ago. I am a miserable lousy sinner, and I know I deserve to be in hell. But I look at our Lord on the Cross, and I’m not about to insult our most loving Saviour by turning my back on His Great Sacrifice. He didn’t come just so I could wallow in self pity.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh. I don’t mean to. But can you look at Our Lord hanging on the cross and say, sorry, that’s not enough for me. My sin is bigger than your sacrifice.

You love your children very much, and you realize that your past actions may have harmed them. But don’t you think you will harm them even more by giving in to your own self pity and despair and turning your back on Christ? How will you ever be able to lead your children to a relationship with their Saviour if you don’t do it?

What you need to do right now is just cling to the Cross of Jesus Christ. Throw yourself at his feet and ask him to shower you with His Mercy. Do not stop going to Mass. That is what the enemy wants you to do. You’re right, you will not remain strong without the Mass. You will be destroyed without the Mass. Mass is Calvary, and that is where you need to go to meet your Saviour and receive his love and mercy. Do it for your children if you cannot do it for yourself.

May God enable you to receive His Love and Mercy. I will pray for your child with leukemia.

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Cling to the Cross
 
bluecake said:
The other day I was discussing with one of my daughters the sadness I felt that not ONE!! - of my children in adulthood, follows the Faith into which they were baptised.

She reminded me that at one point in my life, which corresponded with their childhoods, I was in the position of having been excommunicated. I had made the decision to remarry, in a civil ceremony, while I was waiting for the annulment of my first marriage to be approved. This took well in excess of two years and I felt at the time that it was not a good situation for my children to be dealing with - hence the civil ceremony. I was excommunicated, and vehemently so, by the parish priest.

In due course, the annulment came through, and we were able to have a church wedding. So I was no longer excomminicated, but I was still very young, and I had been deeply hurt by the prohibition, and I kept away from the sacraments. I felt that I had been expendable, and that I was not wanted.
I took all my children to Mass, and they all received the Sacraments at the appropriate times.

I said to my daughter that statistically speaking, I would have expected that SOME of them would have practised their Faith - but she replied that they had all seen how hurt I had been at the time, and all remembered receiving Communion at Mass while I remained in the pew; she said “Sometimes it is what you DON’T do that has the bigger influence.” She said she wants no part of a Church which excommunicated her mother.

The excommunication was almost 35 years ago…I had no idea how badly they were going to be affected. Now I am devasted by the harm I have done, and although I have been attending the Latin Mass for several years and have long been in full communion with the Church, I feel I have no right to be there. It seems, suddenly, terribly wrong that I should be receiving the Sacraments, and all the spiritual comfort the Mass has been giving to me when I have failed to raise my children with the same values.

I don’t think I can go back to Mass now because of the enormous guilt. Suddenly it seems profligate that I am able to pray, now that I have been made aware of how my family feels.
I cannot in all conscience go back and I am devastated. One of my children has leukemia and I have been so strengthened by the Mass each week - I don’t know how I will be able to remain strong without attending Mass.
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Hi Bluecake,

I am sorry for all you are going through. While going through a down period in my life I was listening to a CD and one thing on it really resonated with me. The person on CD was talking about his conversion and all the sacrifice he had made and he said but you have to realize that “You can’t out give God.” That is what you are trying to do. You are saying that your guilt for the mistakes you have made can out give God’s saving graces and love he has for you. And that my friend is impossible. God is merciful and he wants you to be with him. He wants you to draw confort from the Mass and it is evident that you have been getting that confort. DO NOT STOP GOING TO MASS. We all make mistakes it is how we deal with those mistakes that matters. You appear contrite and sorrowful for you errors. Confess those so you know God has forgiven you.

In fact, you seem to be suffering for a lot of guilt invovled in having you family fall away from God’s Church do to your mistakes. I suggest that in order to alleviate that guilt you sit down with your daughters and explain to them your feelings and how that just maybe you were in the wrong by putting your own needs ahead of God’s and maybe how it wasn’t’ the Church who excommunicated you but yourself by not following God’s will. (Granted it sounds like the Priest could have handled if better but it sounds like he was angry over possibly losing a soul.)

I would also start inviting them to attend Mass with you. Even if they don’t go keep inviting them every week and telling them that it would mean a lot to you if they would celebrate with you. Obviously, it is up to them with whether they go or not, do not guilt them or force them to go but keep the offer open and continuous and just maybe you may impart on your daughters how important this matter has become to you. In addition, pray pray pray that they return to the Church and that you will provide a good example for them.

God bless you friend. I hope this helps.
 
Brooklyn is correct. God’s love and mercy are infinite, while your ability to sin is limited. The only one in the universe who strives to keep you from the Sacraments is the evil one. God’s grace flows through the Sacraments, and the devil hates that. He hates repentance. He hates forgiveness. He hates all that is good and holy. He has his fingers crossed that you will not return to the sacraments.

You are in turmoil because God’s grace is like living water flowing unto you. You are miserable, parched and dry, while feeling unworthy of God’s grace. Keep in mind that none of the Saints in heaven was worthy of God;s grace! It is His gift to us, even though we do not deserve it. He offers it to us because He wants us to be with Him for all eternity.

The joy you receive from returning to our Lord will radiate from you so that your children can see it. The excommunication was not a punishment - it was medicine which was intended to call you back. And, it has. But, all occurred in God’s time and not yours.

You are one confession away from the refreshment of living water.
 
Dear One…

You need the mass and the sacraments even more than before you talked to your daughter. You need this for your own well being AND for theirs.

You are sad because of how hurt they were by what they saw 35 years ago.
What about what they see now??

You were hurt at the time too, but you have moved on. You have reconciled with God and with the Church. Do they not see this? Do they not see the Love and the forgiveness and the joy connected with that reconciliation? This is what you need to communicate to your daughter(s).

You need to communicate to them, through your steadfast actions how important Church is. How important the Sacraments are - especially the Eucharist. You need to talk further with them so that they come to understand that you have nothing but love now for the Church that was strong enough to be more concerned with your soul than with your body. for that is what they were. Explain that you now understand the need for what they did.

I have to wonder - and maybe I shouldn’t say this…But I wonder how angry and how vocal you were at the time over the situation. This can have a greater effect on children than the actual events.
I also have to wonder just how much this incident really has to do with your children’s decision to not practice the faith. I suspect the reasons are much more complicated than just this one issue.

Please get to mass. Also, go to confession and perhaps make an appointment to talk to your priest about these matters. Let him help you to help them.

I’m sorry that the above probably doesn’t read very well - my thoughts are a jumble this morning…I hope something above is helpful to you.

Peace
James
 
Here is why you have to go to mass Bluecake: You are going to have to spend the rest of your life fighting for your children’s souls. And you can’t do that without going to mass.

Don’t go to mass to find comfort for yourself. Go to mass as often as you can and offer your sacrifice every time for the souls of your children. Pray for them every day.
 
You are still alive and this realization happened to you because now you have to live in such a way that it may bring your children back to the Church.

That’s what I think!
 
I echo the above. The Divine Mercy of Our Lord teaches us that there is asbolutely NO ONE who cannot be saved by Our Lord’s own Holy Sacrifice. In fact, Our Lord told St. Faustina that Satan likes it when people feel so guilty and believe that they are beyond redemption, because chances are high that eventually they will fall away from the faith. That is exactly why Our Lord shared His Divine Mercy with us.:crying:
 
bluecake said:
The other day I was discussing with one of my daughters the sadness I felt that not ONE!! - of my children in adulthood, follows the Faith into which they were baptised.

She reminded me that at one point in my life, which corresponded with their childhoods, I was in the position of having been excommunicated. I had made the decision to remarry, in a civil ceremony, while I was waiting for the annulment of my first marriage to be approved. This took well in excess of two years and I felt at the time that it was not a good situation for my children to be dealing with - hence the civil ceremony. I was excommunicated, and vehemently so, by the parish priest.

In due course, the annulment came through, and we were able to have a church wedding. So I was no longer excomminicated, but I was still very young, and I had been deeply hurt by the prohibition, and I kept away from the sacraments. I felt that I had been expendable, and that I was not wanted.
I took all my children to Mass, and they all received the Sacraments at the appropriate times.

I said to my daughter that statistically speaking, I would have expected that SOME of them would have practised their Faith - but she replied that they had all seen how hurt I had been at the time, and all remembered receiving Communion at Mass while I remained in the pew; she said “Sometimes it is what you DON’T do that has the bigger influence.” She said she wants no part of a Church which excommunicated her mother.

The excommunication was almost 35 years ago…I had no idea how badly they were going to be affected. Now I am devasted by the harm I have done, and although I have been attending the Latin Mass for several years and have long been in full communion with the Church, I feel I have no right to be there. It seems, suddenly, terribly wrong that I should be receiving the Sacraments, and all the spiritual comfort the Mass has been giving to me when I have failed to raise my children with the same values.

I don’t think I can go back to Mass now because of the enormous guilt. Suddenly it seems profligate that I am able to pray, now that I have been made aware of how my family feels.
I cannot in all conscience go back and I am devastated. One of my children has leukemia and I have been so strengthened by the Mass each week - I don’t know how I will be able to remain strong without attending Mass.
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I’m going to invite you to meditate on the humility of St. Augustine. If you can get your hands on a copy of the Confessions of St. Augustine, he has a chapter in which he speaks of his son, Adeodatus.

When we think of Augustine, we think of Monica and her tears and prayers for Augustine. We often forget that Augustine was a father who dearly loved his son and his son’s mother. As he matured, he had to face two realities.
  1. His love for his son’s mother is disordered. The relationship must come to an end.
  2. Breaking up a home that he, his mistress and their son had, was not easy on Adeodatus. The boy loved both parents and they loved him. Augustine and his mistress are reported to have been very loving parents. Augustine makes references to her as “The One” in his writings, meaning the one love of his life.
We will never know what Adeodatus thought of a Church that separated his parents and kept his father from ever marrying. He died at around 16 yrs of age. But in the Confessions, Augustine lets us into his soul and mind when he speaks about his son.

Despite the fact that the faith demanded a very big sacrifice on his part and probably a painful one for his son, Augustine’s only remorse was that he had come to know God late in life. “How late have I come to know you my God.” He put Adeodatus and his mother in God’s hands. This was the only thing that a repentant parent could do. He had to trust that God would heal his loved ones.

As it turned out, Adeodatus died before Augustine became a priest. His mistress converted and became a nun. Monica died on her way home from Milan. God did heal his loved ones.

Fraternally,

Br. JR, FFV 🙂
 
JReducation said:
I’m going to invite you to meditate on the humility of St. Augustine. If you can get your hands on a copy of the Confessions of St. Augustine, he has a chapter in which he speaks of his son, Adeodatus.

When we think of Augustine, we think of Monica and her tears and prayers for Augustine. We often forget that Augustine was a father who dearly loved his son and his son’s mother. As he matured, he had to face two realities.
  1. His love for his son’s mother is disordered. The relationship must come to an end.
  2. Breaking up a home that he, his mistress and their son had, was not easy on Adeodatus. The boy loved both parents and they loved him. Augustine and his mistress are reported to have been very loving parents. Augustine makes references to her as “The One” in his writings, meaning the one love of his life.
We will never know what Adeodatus thought of a Church that separated his parents and kept his father from ever marrying. He died at around 16 yrs of age. But in the Confessions, Augustine lets us into his soul and mind when he speaks about his son.

Despite the fact that the faith demanded a very big sacrifice on his part and probably a painful one for his son, Augustine’s only remorse was that he had come to know God late in life. “How late have I come to know you my God.” He put Adeodatus and his mother in God’s hands. This was the only thing that a repentant parent could do. He had to trust that God would heal his loved ones.

As it turned out, Adeodatus died before Augustine became a priest. His mistress converted and became a nun. Monica died on her way home from Milan. God did heal his loved ones.

Fraternally,

Br. JR, FFV 🙂
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👍

I would also recommend reading “St. Monica: The Power of a Mothers Love” by Giovanni Falbo.
 
I don’t have any wisdom to impart here. But I am thankful you posted this. I, too, am in the same situation as you only we are studying Catholicism and our children were hurt in the Protestant movement.
On our journey we have had our children in the: Assembly of God, Church of God, Nondenominational, Congregational Christian, Messianic Movement, Charismatic Movement. And it was the Charismatic Movement that hurt them the most.
We were so involved in the music ministry that our children were very often left out and I feel neglected by us and not given enough time by us. My daughter has said that our former church would cause anyone to not ever want to go to church again. She and her husband do not attend anywhere but they have agreed to attend Mass with us Mother’s Day weekend and she has said on more than one occasion that she could be Catholic.
Our boys, 17 & 15, neither want to attend church. I have felt like a failure as a mother, that I have not lived my faith out enough for them and that there is no hope. But I keep being reminded that it is not I who can save them, not I who can draw them to the Lord in the first place. It must be God. So I keep praying and keep attending Mass and offering my sacrifice for their salvation. But I do feel like you and I are in common here so don’t feel like you are all alone.
 
plainatheart71 said:
I have felt like a failure as a mother, that I have not lived my faith out enough for them and that there is no hope. But I keep being reminded that it is not I who can save them, not I who can draw them to the Lord in the first place. It must be God. So I keep praying and keep attending Mass and offering my sacrifice for their salvation. But I do feel like you and I are in common here so don’t feel like you are all alone.
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May God bless your faithfulness!

2 Cor 12:9-10
9 but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
 
Do not give in to the temptation to buy this guilt sent by Satan. Hold your head up and with God’s grace teach your children (even if they are adults) by your example, of God’s mercy and love. It is a wonderful situation for you to show the love that God has for all of us prodigals. Mary Magdalene didn’t stay home in shame. Wasn’t she the first one at the tomb on the day of Christ’s Resurrection?
 
P.S. Explain to your children that our Church loves enough to tell us we are wrong and gives us the standard to live by because she wants all to be saved. True love doesn’t mean telling people that they are right when they are wrong. That is a false belief very common in our society today, believing that to speak the Truth will hurt feelings and step on toes.
 
I am humbled that so many have taken time to write such helpful replies. What an eye-opener to see written that the enormous guilt is coming from Satan - because you are right, it was something that may have kept me away from the Mass. It took another person to see that and to spell it out for me.

Makes me see it in a completely different light, and I am glad, in the end, that I did not immediately delete the rather heartfelt post!

I have a doubly strong battle with Guilt, though, since my mother was Jewish…
 
bluecake said:
I am humbled that so many have taken time to write such helpful replies. What an eye-opener to see written that the enormous guilt is coming from Satan - because you are right, it was something that may have kept me away from the Mass. It took another person to see that and to spell it out for me.

Makes me see it in a completely different light, and I am glad, in the end, that I did not immediately delete the rather heartfelt post!

I have a doubly strong battle with Guilt, though, since my mother was Jewish…
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True guilt will always cause us to run to the foot of the cross in confession. False guilt is what Satan uses to keep us away from Christ.
 
I will pray for you and your children. A thought that just occurred to me: don’t forget to forgive all those who treated and spoke to you harshly in the past and even forgive yourself if what you’ve done or said haunts you. A little formula I heard from Fr. Michael Scanlan at Franciscan University of Steubenville: “Father, I forgive (myself/him/her/them), and I ask You to bless (me/him/her/them).” Fr. Mike also said, “Forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It’s an action of the will. Forgive people, even if you don’t feel like it.” Forgiving someone means you start to let go and place whatever happened in God’s hands, and He can always make a greater good come out of the worst things in our lives than we ever thought possible. And the great part is that He’ll help you do it and give you the grace to forgive others and even yourself. It’s one of the first steps to cutting loose the baggage we all tend to carry. Fr. Mike’s advice: “As often as you remember someone who hurt you and start to feel anger or sadness over it, pray ‘Father, I forgive them, and I ask You to bless them.’ Even if you don’t feel like it, use your will and do it.” Like I said, I’ll pray for you and your children. God bless you.
 
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