Listening to gossip or helping someone to destress?

[leonie]

My mom has a very difficult situation. She lives next door to my sister and difficult BIL. My BIL does all sorts of bad guy stuff–more petty like stealing small amounts of money and tellling all sorts of crazy lies. He seems to be a compulsive liar. My parents are support them for the most part–paying their truck payment, letting them live rent free, etc.

Here’s the deal. I know it is very hard on my mom to have this kind of daily stress dealing with my BIL. She is recovering from a heart attack from about a year ago. When I see her or call her, she needs to tell me all the shenanigans going on. It seems to help her destress. She also talks to me whenever they have a tragedy at work–so, I know talking about difficult things that make her upset helps her.

But, I’m not sure I should be listening to the detraction about my BIL. It makes me have all sorts of bad thoughts about him. Plus, I always tell my husband. And, often I tell a couple of close friends. I guess talking helps me too.

At the same time, I know my mom doesn’t have anyone to talk to about the difficulties she experences with my BIL. So, I hate to stop the conversation if it helps her to talk.

I suspect that most men won’t understand the need for “talk” therapy, but it’s a female phenomenon.

So…here’s the question: should I listen to detraction to help my mom–or, is it bad for both of us?

 

[Nepenthe]

I’d listen – and then tell your mom to stop letting those two walk all over her.

 

[Mirdath]

I’d listen – and then tell your mom to stop letting those two walk all over her. Being a doormat for her daughter and son-in-law won’t be doing her health or mental wellbeing any good.

 

[st_felicity]

So…here’s the question: should I listen to detraction to help my mom–or, is it bad for both of us?

I think it’s bad for both of you. Can you tell your mom how it makes you feel–you expressed it very well here. I doubt she wants to burden you with the bad feelings even if she needs to “vent.” I think “talking too much” often makes the bad, worse. What it sounds like your mom is doing is called enabling. She’s enabling your sister to not be responsible for her own life and choices, and likewise, you’re enabling your mom to avoid responsibility for her choice to enable your sister by letting her vent to you to your own distress. I believe people volunteer for a lot of “bad feelings.” Constantly “venting” is gossiping and only ultimately serves to make people feel more helpless and hopeless about situations rather than feeling better.

I’ll pray for you and your family.

 

[baltobetsy]

But, I’m not sure I should be listening to the detraction about my BIL. It makes me have all sorts of bad thoughts about him. Plus, I always tell my husband. And, often I tell a couple of close friends. I guess talking helps me too.

At the same time, I know my mom doesn’t have anyone to talk to about the difficulties she experences with my BIL. So, I hate to stop the conversation if it helps her to talk.

While you’re deciding whether to let your mother tell you about your brother-in-law, you should let the information stop with you. Don’t tell your husband. Don’t tell a couple of close friends. You know better.

Betsy

 

[Sr_Sally]

You should not be passing on whatever your mother tells you to friends. She may be de-stressing, but you are gossiping.

Your sister and husband need support of a different type. If your bil is really stealing, he needs serious counseling, or perhaps even needs to be reported to the police.

I think your first stop should be to your priest and then to find a group that can help your sister get her act together. Sis and mom are both enabling bil to be a criminal and they need to realize that.

 

[leonie]

You should not be passing on whatever your mother tells you to friends. She may be de-stressing, but you are gossiping.

Your sister and husband need support of a different type. If your bil is really stealing, he needs serious counseling, or perhaps even needs to be reported to the police.

I think your first stop should be to your priest and then to find a group that can help your sister get her act together. Sis and mom are both enabling bil to be a criminal and they need to realize that.

I have no power. My sister refuses to get help. My BIL refuses to get help. My parents have cut off some support, but they are unable to watch my pregnant sister with two kids (ages 3 and 18 months) be homeless.

I agree with you completely. Some of his stealing is from my 98 year old grandma. At Christmas, he stole $180 out of her drawer. He was caught. I would have called the police, but my parents didn’t want to upset my grandma who would rather him have the money than have him arrested.

My parents are definitely enablers, but a lot of it is because of the grandchildren. It’s hard for them to let my sister experience the consequences of her own life because the kids get it too.

sigh.

Yes, I do experience some pleasure out of sharing the information. It is definitely gossip. But, I feel very upset as well and talking helps me with that. I’m not sure when it crosses over.

I think I better tell my mom that I can’t hear any details anymore. I can recommend that she sees a counsellor to help her deal with him. It has become an occasion of sin for me.

But, I feel so bad for mom.

My brother is an alcoholic. And, things are spiralling down for him. Another brother has left the Church-- and he and his wife have decided not to have children. It just seems like my poor mom is drowning in sorrow over her children. And, she feels guilty because she has enabled a lot of their problems–but out of compassion and bad judgement. It was never selfish.

 

[Sr_Sally]

When you speak to your mom, please urge her to talk to her priest. The support of the church will be so much more helpful then venting to you. I can also see how grandma would rahter hand over the money, but wouldn’t it have been nice if he’d asked!
Pray, pray,pray for your family. Your time spent in adoration will be so much better spent than sharing the details of their lives with friends!
I will pray too.

 

[paradoxy]

leonie, you’re very honest about all this and that’s great. Try resisting to share the information with others for a while - say, a month - just to see if it REALLY makes you feel better or worse and pray about it. And pray for your mother. And then you might get an answer how to respond to your mother’s destressing talk. I don’t think you should just judge her for it or tell her you don’t want to hear it - it seems she is in a tough spot and needs gentleness and support - maybe just pray for a gentle way to explain to her that this is not really helping her.

If you’re being long-suffering and allowing someone to take advantage of you and turning the other cheek (and I think it’s laudable), you’re not really doing it if you vent behind their backs, right? Maybe your mother could just try not to vent for a while and just pray for her son-in-law. Miracles might happen!

I believe we all bought too much into new pseudo-Freudian pop-psychology telling us we’ll explode or go crazy if we don’t vent about everything or don’t express our anger every time. And I’m saying this b/c I’m the worst example of it: my mother was a psychologist and I was INDOCTRINATED with this from birth . But when I just TRY to behave differently, it’s actually easier, not harder!

When you work out, you have MORE energy, not less. It’s the same with negative energy - if you complain or gossip, you just get more of the ‘material’ and ‘need’ to do so. It’s logical.

Praying for your family! God bless!

 

[leonie]

leonie, you’re very honest about all this and that’s great. Try resisting to share the information with others for a while - say, a month - just to see if it REALLY makes you feel better or worse and pray about it. And pray for your mother. And then you might get an answer how to respond to your mother’s destressing talk. I don’t think you should just judge her for it or tell her you don’t want to hear it - it seems she is in a tough spot and needs gentleness and support - maybe just pray for a gentle way to explain to her that this is not really helping her.

If you’re being long-suffering and allowing someone to take advantage of you and turning the other cheek (and I think it’s laudable), you’re not really doing it if you vent behind their backs, right? Maybe your mother could just try not to vent for a while and just pray for her son-in-law. Miracles might happen!

I believe we all bought too much into new pseudo-Freudian pop-psychology telling us we’ll explode or go crazy if we don’t vent about everything or don’t express our anger every time. And I’m saying this b/c I’m the worst example of it: my mother was a psychologist and I was INDOCTRINATED with this from birth . But when I just TRY to behave differently, it’s actually easier, not harder!

When you work out, you have MORE energy, not less. It’s the same with negative energy - if you complain or gossip, you just get more of the ‘material’ and ‘need’ to do so. It’s logical.

Praying for your family! God bless!

Thanks so much. Especially for the prayers. I have decided not to ask my mom not to say negative things about my BIL unless I need to know something to protect my family. But, I did catch myself talking to a friend about the situation today. It started off pretty innocently, then I fell into gossip. uch: It’s a hard habit to break sometime.

My sister is expecting again–her third baby in four years. And, it’s hard to be happy when the external situation is so bad, but new life…brings hope.

I still don’t understand exactly when to draw the line. I know that I feel more peaceful when I talk over things with trusted confidantes. It really does help me. So, I don’t think it’s (talk as therapy) is all bunk.

 

[paradoxy]

Thanks so much. Especially for the prayers. I have decided not to ask my mom not to say negative things about my BIL unless I need to know something to protect my family. But, I did catch myself talking to a friend about the situation today. It started off pretty innocently, then I fell into gossip. uch: It’s a hard habit to break sometime.

I know exactly what you mean. For me, it’s more whining and complaining than gossip, b/c I live in the middle of nowhere and don’t socialize - SEE! I just whined again! This ‘small’ stuff is so difficult to break.

I’ll pray for your whole situation.

My sister is expecting again–her third baby in four years. And, it’s hard to be happy when the external situation is so bad, but new life…brings hope.



I still don’t understand exactly when to draw the line. I know that I feel more peaceful when I talk over things with trusted confidantes. It really does help me. So, I don’t think it’s (talk as therapy) is all bunk.

No, I didn’t say that, just the idea that you have to vent and let out anger is wrong in my book - not talking things over with the people you love.

Your situation makes it very hard to draw the line, b/c it’s your family, not strangers. Only you can know. I think it’s normal to share this with your husband - you’ve probaby told him all about your family history, and it probably contained bad things done by people - is that gossip? I really don’t think so. If you share it with your husband like that, with detachment and love of all involved and just for the sake of openness and honesty in marriage, I don’t think it’s wrong at all. To some extent, this can include close friends, IMO.

What’s most important for me when drawing the line is how it REALLY makes me feel. Is there even a hint of glee that there are such awful people out there, or anger coming out, or self-pity, depending on the situation? If there is, I think I’ve crossed the line and need to stop talking about it altogether.

God bless you and your family. I pray that soon there’s nothing to ‘destress’ about and that this becomes a non-issue for you!

 

[rpp]

My mom has a very difficult situation. She lives next door to my sister and difficult BIL. My BIL does all sorts of bad guy stuff–more petty like stealing small amounts of money and tellling all sorts of crazy lies. He seems to be a compulsive liar. My parents are support them for the most part–paying their truck payment, letting them live rent free, etc.

Here’s the deal. I know it is very hard on my mom to have this kind of daily stress dealing with my BIL. She is recovering from a heart attack from about a year ago. When I see her or call her, she needs to tell me all the shenanigans going on. It seems to help her destress. She also talks to me whenever they have a tragedy at work–so, I know talking about difficult things that make her upset helps her.

But, I’m not sure I should be listening to the detraction about my BIL. It makes me have all sorts of bad thoughts about him. Plus, I always tell my husband. And, often I tell a couple of close friends. I guess talking helps me too.

At the same time, I know my mom doesn’t have anyone to talk to about the difficulties she experences with my BIL. So, I hate to stop the conversation if it helps her to talk.

I suspect that most men won’t understand the need for “talk” therapy, but it’s a female phenomenon.

So…here’s the question: should I listen to detraction to help my mom–or, is it bad for both of us?

Leonie,

It almost sounds like your sister married my younger brother.

More seriously, I do not think this a case of gossip. Some of it sounds like family business. While I can understand you telling your husband, I think telling your friends the details is not a good idea. Such things need to be kept in the family.

It is very difficult to deal with someone who appears to be rather immature. But I am more concerned about other aspects. Men who behave in the way that you describe seem to have a greater propensity for domestic abuse (mental, verbal and physical) than more mature men. Additionally, such people seem to gravitate toward substance abuce (alcohol and/or drugs) more readily as well. I am not saying your BIL is abusive or addicted, but it is behavior to be looking for.

I am sorry for your family situation, it is difficult for all involved.

How is your sister doing?

 

[leonie]

I am sorry for your family situation, it is difficult for all involved.

How is your sister doing?

She’s expecting again. It’s one of the situations that you try to be happy about, but they have hardly any income. Their parenting skills aren’t very good. My parents pay for all their housing. My sister and her family are on food stamps. She had a stroke after the first baby and now she’s 41. She smokes.

Her husband is rather controlling. For example, he won’t watch the children, so she can’t leave the kids with him–thus, she can’t work. He talks down to her. He insists that she accompany him when he visits his parents–this is every weekend 2 1/2 hours each way. He controls the money. My grandma gives her $20 a week for pin money, but if he finds out about it, he takes it.

This is her second marriage. And, in her first, her husband was just as controlling. In fact, he was a little meaner. In fact, in her first serious relationship, her bf was of the same character–except he was a drug addict.

I don’t know why my sister picks these guys. We had the best dad in the world.

 

[FrankLawrence]

As Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working for you?” If this is a constant occurrance, it doesn’t seem like any genuine, “destressing” is happening on your mother’s behalf, while it is becoming a CAUSE of stress to you. You are gossiping on this very message board. What you and your mother are doing is wrong, and YOUR husband shouldn’t be subjected to it. I suggest that the next time you feel like gossiping about your family, to your husband, you should make love to him, instead. Have a romantic moment with your husband, and thank God that you found a man who truly loves you. Rather than complaining about your sister’s husband to your husband, show your husband how grateful you are for him.
Are the negative words that you say about your sister’s husband of greater quantity than the positive things you say about your own husband, both when talking to others and when talking to your husband? If so, your priorities are very mixed up. While what you and your husband do is none of my business, just to look at this from a male perspective, I ask you rhetorically(DO NOT ANSWER on this message board as it is none of my or the other posters’ business) are you properly fulfilling your conjugal obligations to YOUR husband, or are you too busy whining and complaining to him about your sister’s husband. Perhaps if you can set the example of what a good relationship looks like, your sister will begin to understand. While admiration, appreciation, and devotion are all very important to a man, I will give you some advice of three other things that will please your husband: sex, sex, and more sex!!! You’ll see that your own husband will appreciate that (and you) so much that you won’t even be thinking about your sister’s husband. I’m sure this isn’t the advice that you were looking for, but I couldn’t help but see the whole thing from your husband’s vantage point. I don’t know your husband, and can’t pretend to know his thoughts, but I’d imagine that he didn’t marry you to hear complaints about his in-laws, and would probably rather you not burden him with it. Just my opinion.

 

[blessedtoo]

If so, your priorities are very mixed up. While what you and your husband do is none of my business, just to look at this from a male perspective, I ask you rhetorically(DO NOT ANSWER on this message board as it is none of my or the other posters’ business) are you properly fulfilling your conjugal obligations to YOUR husband, or are you too busy whining and complaining to him about your sister’s husband. Perhaps if you can set the example of what a good relationship looks like, your sister will begin to understand. While admiration, appreciation, and devotion are all very important to a man, I will give you some advice of three other things that will please your husband: sex, sex, and more sex!!! You’ll see that your own husband will appreciate that (and you) so much that you won’t even be thinking about your sister’s husband. I’m sure this isn’t the advice that you were looking for, but I couldn’t help but see the whole thing from your husband’s vantage point. I don’t know your husband, and can’t pretend to know his thoughts, but I’d imagine that he didn’t marry you to hear complaints about his in-laws, and would probably rather you not burden him with it. Just my opinion.

Totally inappropriate. OP was not even discussing her marriage.

 

[blessedtoo]

At the same time, I know my mom doesn’t have anyone to talk to about the difficulties she experences with my BIL. So, I hate to stop the conversation if it helps her to talk.

Have you considered praying WITH your mama? When she calls and wants to talk, and the conversation begins to veer into territory that feels like nothing more than gossip, you might want to stop her and suggest that you both pray a decade of the rosary or some other prayer for your family. This way she won’t feel shut down and will perhaps relax just from praying itself. And of course we know the efficacy of prayers beats the momentary release from venting!

 

[paradoxy]

Have you considered praying WITH your mama? When she calls and wants to talk, and the conversation begins to veer into territory that feels like nothing more than gossip, you might want to stop her and suggest that you both pray a decade of the rosary or some other prayer for your family. This way she won’t feel shut down and will perhaps relax just from praying itself. And of course we know the efficacy of prayers beats the momentary release from venting!

That’s great advice, blessedtoo! I’ll try to implement it in my life.

 

[leonie]

Totally inappropriate. OP was not even discussing her marriage.

thank you, blessedtoo.

 

[leonie]

Have you considered praying WITH your mama? When she calls and wants to talk, and the conversation begins to veer into territory that feels like nothing more than gossip, you might want to stop her and suggest that you both pray a decade of the rosary or some other prayer for your family. This way she won’t feel shut down and will perhaps relax just from praying itself. And of course we know the efficacy of prayers beats the momentary release from venting!

It is good advice. Thanks!

 

[leonie]

I guess it is gossiping to discuss my sister’s situation on CAF.

I hadn’t thought about it. I guess since it’s anonymous, I just considered it a safe place to discuss a difficult situation. It’s nice that CAF posters are pretty objective. They aren’t my friends who would want to be sympathetic to me.

oops.

Wouldn’t it be easier to become holy as a hermit? No temptations to gossip. No people to irritate you. Removed from the world and its petty troubles and difficult relationships.

I think I have my answer to my dilemma. I’ll not discuss my BIL or sister anymore unless it’s positive. I’ll pray with my mom. And, I’ll be more careful about starting threads.

Thanks