Living in a sexless marriage / too busy / too stressed

[MrsChastity]

So much fantastic advice here already, but this:

Our solution was to hire help…
Help is more affordable than you think. Start with a teenager from church. They’re lifesavers. Do it now before your wife loses her mind.

is so true! Hire help! Hire babysitters (ask relatives, if that’s an option) - even if they’re only taking a couple kids for a couple of hours. Hire house cleaners, usually there’s a lady or two from church looking for a bit to help her in some lean times. It’s a good stimulus for the local economy!

The root problem is that sex is a gift of self, but your wife has nothing left to give you. How burdensome to be completely poured out! Re-read some of the other suggestions about ensuring you are a competent help around the house, seeing what she sees and helping as she needs. Tell her you want to help and are willing to put in the work to do it, even if there’s a steep learning curve. This is a huge part of loving your wife.

You’re be in my prayers.

 

[Father_of_10]

Communicate with each other. Don’t guess what she needs. Lets face it guys are usually a bit more obtuse than their better half. Let her know that. Ask her what can be done. “Honey, if I could fix one thing for you now what would it be.”, then do it and do it again. If she is not willing to talk, then you probably need counseling.

Also you have 5 children, if there are some lego’s on the floor and dishes in the sink take care of it. Don’t be critical. The oldest should be about half useful . Delegate chores to the older children, i.e. their toys, clothes. Make dinner from time to time (and do the clean up). By the way, you are at the verge of needing 2 washers and driers with 7 people in the house, that makes a huge difference on laundry time (Craigslist or the classifieds).

There have been days my poor wife has been at her limits, 10 make a nice mess when not noticing, but it is amazing how much even little hands can help. So put on your sergeant’s chevrons and supervise them.

 

[peacewonk]

I do remember being in this cycle:
I would be overwhelmed taking care of five children, all born each two years of each other. In the confusion, my husband would be taking care of his own things, and there was no time left to help me with the kids. Besides, I knew how to do everything faster, better, etc. So, little by little, the division of labor prevailed and he was only dedicated to his things, and I was in charge of the home and the kids. My own personal needs got forgotten. I was not only exhausted, but resentful of this attitude, that became more and more egotistical and self-centered. He became blind to my pain, and didn’t occur to him that perhaps I hungered for a phrase like: “you are doing all by yourself, how can you take so much…let me help doing X”
What I wanted was first appreciation of my heroic task-fulfilled day, and second a helping hand. To say: “this is our family and both need to pitch in, because is fair…”
Of course, my resentment grew so much that it was easy to express it by denying any sex. Why, he didn’t earn any, so why? If I was tired, it was his job to share the load so I would come to the bed with some illusion of company…No company along the day? no company in bed.
Perhaps you can think I was showing some hideous anger there…true, when you can’t sleep normally, your brain is fried and you go to the bottom of all the negative attitudes you can have. How compassionate is to say: "get some help; it doesn’t matter if the house is perfectly clean, but your wife deserves some relief!
He never understood what the remedy for his sexless nights was. I was so proud to ask for help, so I did my duty, but he got his lesson.
Now, I’m sad looking at the past…and wish I had more skills then to ask for help in a different way.

 

[Themistocles]

Dispite what the feminist dogma of the day would have all of us believe, men and women are different. From a male perspective, the notion of me being too busy or stressed for marital relations resonates about as well as saying I am too hungry to eat or too tired to sleep. Why wouldn’t relations with one’s spouse be a source of consolation, joy, unity and relief? Why couldn’t this be an antidote to the stresses of the day, an affirmation of one another?

Having been down this road, I think the general advice of helping out more and being sensitve to the needs of one’s spouse is helpful and good up to a point. I would caution the faithful husband to do all this as an act of self mortification. Attaching any expected outcome to your efforts is dangerous. Prayer and fasting are the antidote to frustration and resentment. Accept the rejection as an opportunity to love your wife as Christ loves the Church. Unite your pain and suffering with the suffering of Christ who is also rejected.