Living Simply, Wedding Registries and Consumerism

[ExGratia]

This may come off as a rant and I suppose it may be. I am soon to be married (as most of my posts say…how boring!). I have had many issues with the whole wedding planning business from the get-go but wedding registeries are a real sticking point.

I was told to register because it is the thing to do…it keeps people from worrying about what to buy and keeps you from receiving 20 toasters. But now I’m regretting it. My fiance and I strive to live simply. I felt like such a hypocrite when a friend from our prayer group asked what we need and my fiance responded, “Your prayers are the most important thing”. But then she pressed him and he said “We are registered at Such and Such”. Not everyone we’ve invited can afford an extravagant gift (and it all seems extravagant to me, who shops at thrift stores and discount stores). I just hope people don’t feel obligated to get a gift; we just want those pews full and are happy to provide the reception as a thank you for coming to the Mass.

The wedding registry business is pretty ridiculous. They encourage you to register for twice as many items as there are guests. I suppose that this is in hopes that you’ll not receive the few items you actually do need and then buy them there. We’ve been encouraged to register for one of those trendy single serving coffee pots and I actually briefly entertained the idea (but, alas, I do not want to commit to buying single serving coffee and am just not fancy enough for such a gadget). It’s almost sad how wants/needs can get muddied during this time of preparation due to American consumerism.

Please pray for us to remain “in the world but not of the world” during these final days of singlehood and for no scandal to be caused by our registeries! Any reassurance, disagreement or agreement is welcome!

 

[Irishmom2]

I understand what you are saying about not liking the whole registry thing.

What I don’t get is why you did it then. Why sign up for stuff you say you don’t really want or need?

If the gifts you receive are truly not important to you, deal with the 20 toasters when it happens. (I don’t think it actually will though. It’s amazing how everyone lived in the olden days like when I got married, and had no registry. I received no doubles, by the way.) If people really want to know what to get, they will find a way to know.

I would get rid of the registry if I was the kind of simple pleasure kind of person you sound to be.

Best wishes for your marriage. May God bless you and guide you.

 

[shainski]

When my wife and i got married we were already older and established. We truly didn’t want a lot of gifts - and we wanted to invite people of all sorts of means.

We were coerced early to set up a registry - a year before our wedding. So we went and found a lot of inexpensive items (like cookie cutter sets). Even the process of registering seemed self-serving. We didn’t want (nor have room for) expensive place settings and such. Then because we registered so early, my sister goes for Christmas and purchases all of our sets of our William-Sonoma cookie cutters (which were $5 or $6 / set). So now, we didn’t have our inexpensive option.

My wife and i decided that, if asked, we would encourage our guests to do something to make the world a nicer place- and then to write in their cards what they did. When prompted for specifics, we told them we wanted it to be about them, not us - go visit someone in a nursing home - or help young parents for an hour. Being older, we had a lot of kids involved with the wedding - and even they got into the act. Some packed food bags for the local pantries.

Don’t get me wrong - we still got a lot of nice material gifts (and we accepted them with great enthusiasm - you have to allow that many people feel it is necessary ). But we got a lot of the gifts of charity. We had a gift opening - and we read the charitable gifts out loud (without mention of specifics - if a dollar amount was included). Our guests were very creative in what they did - and people were in tears with all the different things that were done. People did what was important to them - some donated or volunteered at pet shelters - some to specific disease research that affected them. Some told us actual amounts, some just said they made a donation. It really didn’t matter to us.

It was a lot of fun for us - and even though is has been 8 years, i will have to go back and look over the list we made at the time (Your thread has brought up those pleasant memories).

 

[NSFrame]

I think there are a lot of things you can register for that aren’t necessarily “fancy” that would be nice to start your married life with.

For example, a casual dinnerware set, new glasses for water and wine, flatware, a new matching towel set, bathroom accessories like soap dish and toothbrush holder, maybe any small appliances you currently have but are showing a lot of wear, like an iron or toaster or coffee maker, maybe new bedding. None of these items is extravagent but all would be nice to start fresh with.

Also, registering at Target or a similar inexpensive place is a good idea if you are concerned about your guests not spending too much.

People enjoy living vicariously through newlyweds and enjoy buying things for the new home.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Please pray for us to remain “in the world but not of the world” during these final days of singlehood and for no scandal to be caused by our registeries! Any reassurance, disagreement or agreement is welcome!

I understand the stress that accompanies getting married. But… Did you register at five or six different stores and only select the most expensive items on offer? Did you make it clear to your family and friends that because the caterer is charging $75 per plate, you’re expecting your singleton guests to spend at least $125 on their gifts and couples should budget $175 on theirs? Did you include a request for cash in your wedding invitations? No? Then I don’t see the scandal.

What would be in very poor taste, in my opinion, would be to appear unappreciative of the fact that your family and friends love you enough to want to buy you a wedding gift. Or to come across as so otherworldly that you have no use for bed sheets or place mats or picture frames. Or to force your friends to repeatedly ask you what kind of gift you want.

Accept the gifts that are offered warmly, thankfully, and gratefully. Thank God you’re surrounded by people who want to see you happy. And wriite your thank you notes promptly and from the heart.

Remember: Christ’s first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. We’re left to assume that the bride and groom were extremely thankful for His generosity, even if they really didn’t see the need for the libations.

Luna

 

[1ke]

OK look. Your friends are happy for you, they love you, and yes they want to give you a gift. Let them be gracious. And you be gracious in return, smiling and saying Thank You whether you think they spent too much, have bad taste, or have given you something you deem “frivolous”.

If you want to help your guests by creating a registery, do so. I don’t know “who” wants you to register for “twice” as much as you want or need. But whoever “they” are, simply ignore them. Register for the things you like, want, and/or need. You can go online and manage your registry any time. Take off items or add them.

If you don’t feel that you want to guide your guests with a registry, then don’t. People will still ask you what you want/need. Be gracious with some suggestions when they do.

Registry or no registry, accept gifts graciously and then after the thank yous are written, keep them or donate them to charity as the spirit moves you.

What’s the theme in my post? Be gracious.

 

[ExGratia]

Thanks for the responses!

To the poster who had guests do good deeds, what a beautiful story! I’m sure you created beautiful memories for many people that day and were so generous!

Luna, you always make me laugh! But your mention of Christ turning water into wine was also very deep.

The suggestions to register for too much stuff comes from the store’s website and their clerk. Don’t worry…I ignored that advice. We have been blessed with so much already and many generous people have offered their talents and time for our wedding too.

Yes, we will be gracious! And I graciously thank all the responders thus far!

 

[losh14]

I can understand your concerns and you’re not kvetching.
Friends of ours, who have servants’ hearts, did a very simple wedding registry. They simply maintained a list on a personal website and agreed not to view the list until after the wedding. Included on that list were things like:

• board games (gently used are fine)
• cookware (gently used is wonderful)
• curtains from a thrift store, blue or green
• A number of hours to help in our garden or with home repairs

They also registered with Heifer International, an international charity that sets up livestock projects in villages around the world, including Bosnia, the Sudan, Guatemala, Vietnam and the United States. Donations to Heifer provide livestock to families, who agree to provide calves, eggs or otherwise offspring of the livestock to other villagers, so that the wealth of the entire community increases. We bought off our friends’ Heifer registry a brood of chicks and a colony of bees, or “Birds and Bees”, to benefit poor rural families.

They did register for a few things that have now become traditional - Lowe’s gift cards for help in fixing up their house, some appliances that are useful, etc., but that list was extraordinarily limited, maybe 7 or 8 items total.

The result was that, other than receiving two punch bowls from older relatives, they got most of their things, their guests didn’t drop a fortune (except the one who thought it was sooo coool he could buy a water buffalo), and their wedding day was as selfless and non-consumerist as the two of them are.

 

[losh14]

If you receive gifts like these:

For example, a casual dinnerware set, new glasses for water and wine, flatware, a new matching towel set, bathroom accessories like soap dish and toothbrush holder, maybe any small appliances you currently have but are showing a lot of wear, like an iron or toaster or coffee maker, maybe new bedding. None of these items is extravagent but all would be nice to start fresh with.

Perhaps give your old items to charity - if not Goodwill or SVDP, then perhaps a domestic abuse shelter, maternity home, or to victims of local disasters or housefires. Believe me, after last year’s New Year’s Day tornadoes and the Joplin tornadoes, none of us around here are looking forward to the storm season.

 

[Corki]

The suggestions to register for too much stuff comes from the store’s website and their clerk. Don’t worry…I ignored that advice. We have been blessed with so much already and many generous people have offered their talents and time for our wedding too.

Perhaps the idea of registering for more things than guests is to make sure everyone has a choice and a range of money to spend. I have been in the situation of procrastinating and finding that the only items “left” on a registry were a bed eek and a TV - both of which were out of my price range. The reasonably priced items had been selected by better organized guests.

 

[ExGratia]

Perhaps the idea of registering for more things than guests is to make sure everyone has a choice and a range of money to spend. I have been in the situation of procrastinating and finding that the only items “left” on a registry were a bed eek and a TV - both of which were out of my price range. The reasonably priced items had been selected by better organized guests.

That’s a good point! No worries…no bed or tv on our registry! I sure hope those newlyweds had somewhere to sleep!

 

[Corki]

That’s a good point! No worries…no bed or tv on our registry! I sure hope those newlyweds had somewhere to sleep!

Since they were already living together, I am sure that wasn’t a problem.

As I think of it, that’s part of the problem with registries and the clerks who run them. Registries were very useful in the days when the new bride was probably living at home and the new groom had a sparsely appointed bachelor pad. Nowdays, if the couple isn’t already living together, one or both are probably already set up in a nice house or appartment as a single person with all the necessities. The “old” registery used to make sure the new couple had towels, sheets and dishes. Now, since almost everyone has the essentials, the registry has turned more toward those luxury items that you maybe wouldn’t buy for yourself (like the single serve coffee maker).

Just my musing.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

I was also pressured into having a registry, when we didn’t really need or want one. I did it only because people expressed to me that they wanted some guidance, and I only put things that we would use on it- nothing more. We came up with a fair assortment of items- bed linens, towels, dishes, and some appliances, but stopped when we started considering random items that looked fun but that would only clutter up our home. Most of our items were between $20-$60, so if you want to be considerate, put an assortment of items for people with differing budgets. A few people still complained that there “wasn’t enough” on there, but since creating a registry wasn’t something I even wanted to do in the first place, I just ignored them. Some people will never be happy, and I had enough other things to worry about.

If you truly think having a registry is promoting a message of consumerism that is inconsistent with your lifestyle, there is always the option of donating to charities as a few posters have mentioned. I am sure that you have enough to plan and think about, so don’t stress about the registry thing and what kind of statement it might be making. Choose a few things and call it a day, and move on to the next thing. I spent way too much time agonizing over making everyone happy, and stressing over things that didn’t matter. God bless you as your wedding approaches!

 

[shainski]

Perhaps the idea of registering for more things than guests is to make sure everyone has a choice and a range of money to spend. I have been in the situation of procrastinating and finding that the only items “left” on a registry were a bed eek and a TV - both of which were out of my price range. The reasonably priced items had been selected by better organized guests.

oh that brings back memories. As a single male for much of my adult life - and from a large family - i had a few years where i went to dozens of weddings. In my early 20s, i had such limited funds, but i enjoyed coming back home to see everyone at weddings.

But i was often shopping for the wedding gift in a rush on the morning of the wedding. This was either due to my procrastination, the registry being for a store in a city that i didn’t live in, or having to wait to be able to afford a decent gift.

I remember one episode to a relative that i rarely saw. I figured that i could afford $50 at the very most. When i got to the store, i discovered that the least expensive thing was a $150 dinner plate. I would have felt foolish trying to find two other guests to afford this gift. I can’t remember what i did - i probably gave them a check.

 

[ExGratia]

Since they were already living together, I am sure that wasn’t a problem.

As I think of it, that’s part of the problem with registries and the clerks who run them. Registries were very useful in the days when the new bride was probably living at home and the new groom had a sparsely appointed bachelor pad. Nowdays, if the couple isn’t already living together, one or both are probably already set up in a nice house or appartment as a single person with all the necessities. The “old” registery used to make sure the new couple had towels, sheets and dishes. Now, since almost everyone has the essentials, the registry has turned more toward those luxury items that you maybe wouldn’t buy for yourself (like the single serve coffee maker).

Just my musing.

How true. I live with my parents but did live on my own some years so I have some things. The towels and sheets are the main things I hope to get as gifts since I’ve always just borrowed my parent’s old ones. My fiance has his own apartment, although (this is not a joke) he previously discerned a non-calling to the monastic life and during that discernment, he simplified so much that one would think he was a monk. The house we are buying is furnished and currently owned by a friend (my maid of honor) who is relocating across the country. It is hard to believe how blessed we are to be buying a lovely little furnished house. I think some of the guilt of registering comes from the fact that we have been given so much.

 

[Cat]

Think of it from the guests’ point of view rather than your own point of view. You are doing us an immense kindness by registering.

As a guest, I love registries. Wedding, baby, or whatever–it is sooooooo nice to be able to walk into a store, print out a registry list, run down the prices, pick a price that’s in my budget, go ask a clerk to help me find that item, pay for it, go to the gift-wrap counter and ask the store to wrap it–and they will remember to include the gift receipt in case someone didn’t use the registry and bought the same gift–and then leave. All done, usually in 15 minutes or less. Beautifully-wrapped gift that I know the receiver will really like because they chose it.

Love it! I absolutely hate shopping, especially when I have no idea other than, “We don’t really need anything.” If that’s the case, then put that on the invitation: ABSOLUTELY NO GIFTS, PLEASE!

 

[newf]

I like to look at the registry online. And even if there is nothing on there that I want to purchase, I get an idea of the kinds of things the couple likes… colors, style, etc…

I also never feel obligated to buy off the registry. Sometimes a couple doesn’t know what they will need when they’ve never set up a home before. So if I see something that I think they might like, I will buy that… Like I’ve never seen a nativity set on a registry, but it can make a neat gift.

I also don’t mind sending a check if I don’t have any good ideas. As a guest, I also don’t like to stress about gifts.

 

[mfrances]

Hi there, I’m getting married in June, and we made a registry… but only with good items that we genuinely need, such as moderately priced dishes, vacuum, towels, sheets, etc. And remind people that the registry is only a suggestion. That way there is no pressure that they have to buy you something from there.

May God bless your marriage!

 

[fhccatfrm]

I understand where you are coming from, so here are my thoughts on the issue.
I do not know much about registries, but I think they give you an option to return or exchange gifts for others or for in store credit.

That being said, historically I believe in Jewish and early Christian marriages, the man would go off after the marriage ceremony and prepare a home (i.e. material goods, land, garden, stove, and a maybe even a nice decoration) for them to live. He may have even received a dowry from the wife or her family at this time. Sometimes this could take a long period of time such as a year. Then when ready, the wife would come over the marriage would be consummated. As civilization has evolved, it would seem we do the same thing, just more efficiently or through different methods, such as gift registries.

The consumerism you feel is probably from being exposed to those stores and the registry process of choosing all these things they throw in your face rather than from the concept of gift giving.

So material goods are necessary for us humans, and you should not feel hypocritical about them, unless your sole purpose is greed or something. We all need stuff and stuff is not evil as you may know. On the other hand, putting up a registry is a polite thing to do for people to give them the opportunity to give you something or do something good as others have suggested, and leave the choice to them. It gives them the opportunity to love their neighbor as they love themselves. Also some people may have extra money for times like this where they would like to give you something like a nice set of dinnerware that you will cherish for many years to come and remind you all all those great dinner conversations.

And a nice set of quality glasses, plates, or picture frames will add some warmth to your life over the next 50 years, and will not break or fall apart. Wouldn’t a person rather build a well made, solid chair rather than a rickety one? There is nothing wrong with liking nice, quality things. I think it is idolizing them or something that is the problem. But I do agree that some things can be wasteful.

It is probably also an error in thinking that you are responsible for people’s feelings of obligation, neither are they responsible for a bride or groom’s potential attitude of ungratefulness if all they could afford was the cheapest thing or nothing at all.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Perhaps the idea of registering for more things than guests is to make sure everyone has a choice and a range of money to spend. I have been in the situation of procrastinating and finding that the only items “left” on a registry were a bed eek and a TV - both of which were out of my price range.

I was once once faced with a wedding registry on which the least expensive item was a set of $400 bed sheets. One set, not an entire inventory of bed sheets. These people were not even remotely wealthy and nor were the guests. The wedding reception was a backyard DIY affair, which is perfectly fine. But if I’m being asked to shell out $400 for a set of bed linens or two grand for a reclaimed Norwegian oak dining room table, I’m expecting a white tie affair at The Ritz. Not knowing what else to do, I declined their invitation.

True story.