Living Situation Question

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1cor1313

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I am a woman in my mid-20s who is currently in grad school. One of my best friends is a male who is also in grad school right now and we both have one more year of school before we break out into the real world. This year I’m living with some female friends and he’s living with a male friend. At the end of this school year, however, both of our living situations are going to change. My roommate is getting married and his roommate is moving to another state. As we’re both in school and money is tight, we’re each looking for a new roommate for next year. My best friend recently brought up the idea of the two of us moving in together next year because we get along so well and such. I know that would be wrong considering I’m a woman and he’s a man and even though there’s nothing going on between us, we must always avoid the near occasion of sin. But I guess my question is: what if we can find one other person to share an apartment with us, whether it be a man or a woman. Does that change the situation at all with a third person around so that there’s always that idea that there’s someone that could pop in at any time just in case?
 
I personally do not think it is wise, regardless of how many extra roommates you find. Mixing the sexes who are unrelated can become a near occasion of sin. Many relationships had their start in friendship.
 
Apart from the morality of the situation, and the near occassion of sin, the best way to destroy a friend is to live with them for a while! This is because by habitating with someone you lose your privacy and have no secrets from each other. Not a very good idea with someone you will not ultimately marry.
The idea of a successful asexual relationship while co-habiting (even though there may be separate bed-rooms) is a secularist myth that denies the basics of human nature.
Not a very good idea for Catholics. You should go to the Newman Center on your campus, and have a talk with the Chaplain. He will be in a position to advise you according to your situation. In fact, he may just know of a Catholic young lady who is looking for lodging.
 
“The idea of a successful asexual relationship while co-habiting (even though there may be separate bed-rooms) is a secularist myth that denies the basics of human nature.”

Yes! This is what I had in mind when I said it would be a near occasion of sin, but I couldn’t articulate it. Very well-put!
 
1cor1313 said:
I am a woman in my mid-20s who is currently in grad school. One of my best friends is a male who is also in grad school right now and we both have one more year of school before we break out into the real world. This year I’m living with some female friends and he’s living with a male friend. At the end of this school year, however, both of our living situations are going to change. My roommate is getting married and his roommate is moving to another state. As we’re both in school and money is tight, we’re each looking for a new roommate for next year. My best friend recently brought up the idea of the two of us moving in together next year because we get along so well and such. I know that would be wrong considering I’m a woman and he’s a man and even though there’s nothing going on between us, we must always avoid the near occasion of sin. But I guess my question is: what if we can find one other person to share an apartment with us, whether it be a man or a woman. Does that change the situation at all with a third person around so that there’s always that idea that there’s someone that could pop in at any time just in case?
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Nope, I would not do this. There are so many different situations that could occur. It’s simply not seemly for a chaste young lady and gentlemen to live together, even if they believe the relationship is platonic. All it might take is a few glasses of wine, the defenses are down, and bingo! You’ve gone too far. Even if that didn’t happen, it’s just … wrong.
 
Go for it. When I was working on my undergrad I lived with a male friend for 2 years and it was the best living situation that I ever had (outside of living with my fiance). There was so clearly nothing going on between us and all of our friends and neighbors could see that.

It was important to us for the sake of privacy and modesty though to have a 2 bed/2 FULL bath, and because girls have more that they want to keep private I got the bedroom with the bathroom off of it. I also felt a lot safer coming home from the library late at night because I could have a man meet me in the parking lot and walk me inside, or walk me out to my car after dark. There are just some areas where young women shouldn’t live alone.

When I met my now fiance he was a little weirded out at first, but he got over it quickly because I had full transparency. I was upfront with him from date one about living with a male friend, and a few dates in I had him come over and meet my roommate. After that I hung out with them together from time to time and eventually they built their own friendship.

Honestly, if I had to go back to a roommate it would have to be a man. I’ve lived with other women and it can get tense and stressful, it was much easier to live with a man.
 
Since you are Catholic you must have come here to get the Catholic perspective. You have been advised to find a female roommate and that is very good advice for the aforementioned reasons. Best wishes in your search.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Go for it. When I was working on my undergrad I lived with a male friend for 2 years and it was the best living situation that I ever had (outside of living with my fiance). There was so clearly nothing going on between us and all of our friends and neighbors could see that.

It was important to us for the sake of privacy and modesty though to have a 2 bed/2 FULL bath, and because girls have more that they want to keep private I got the bedroom with the bathroom off of it. I also felt a lot safer coming home from the library late at night because I could have a man meet me in the parking lot and walk me inside, or walk me out to my car after dark. There are just some areas where young women shouldn’t live alone.

When I met my now fiance he was a little weirded out at first, but he got over it quickly because I had full transparency. I was upfront with him from date one about living with a male friend, and a few dates in I had him come over and meet my roommate. After that I hung out with them together from time to time and eventually they built their own friendship.

Honestly, if I had to go back to a roommate it would have to be a man. I’ve lived with other women and it can get tense and stressful, it was much easier to live with a man.
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👍

I know you’ve gotten a lot of advice to avoid the situation, but that honestly all depends on your particullar situation. If there is a chance that one of you would develop feelings for the other I would avoid it, and I would also avoid entangling your finances as that can get really messy, but especially if you have another person with you it can be a very helpful way to survive while in College on a super tight budget without having to deal with the drama of a bad roommate. (But also think carefully about your own situation to make sure it won’t end up leading to more drama)

As to the idea that you abssolutely cannot under any circumstances room with one man because of the near occasion of sin, thats just false. The near occasion of sin means a particular situation which happens to personally tempt you very strongly to perform actions you know are gravely sinful. If neither of you two have feelings for each other then living together is not a near occasion of sin. It might end up being a cause of scandal, but we are only required to avoid scandal to a reasonable extent, in other words, if we know an action would cause scandal (ie lead others to sin, not just shock them) then we should make sure we have a good reason to do it, but if we have a good enough reason, such as trying to avoid a stressful living situation that could end up being dangerous (keeping in mind BEL’s point) while avoiding going broke then it is fine so long as you make a reasonable effort to avoid scandal, (ie, let people know you are not dating, if either of you are dating someone else, you can let that out, and having another person stay with you will help make it seem less like the two of you are shacking up and more like you’re just broke college kids looking for a way to make it through college. Tons of people do that today in college so the chance of causing people to think you’re shacking up is a lot less than it used to be)

In other words, pray about it, and be sure that rooming with your friend won’t end up leading to more drama, but if you ultimately feel like you have a good enough reason for it then go for it.
 
Demetra2 said:
Since you are Catholic you must have come here to get the Catholic perspective. You have been advised to find a female roommate and that is very good advice for the aforementioned reasons. Best wishes in your search.
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The Catholic perspective is that she ought to act prudently, keeping in mind the possibility of a near occasion of sin and scandal, but that does not necessarily mean that she cannot room with her friend. It all depends on the particulars of her situation which we cannot possibly know. There are pros and cons both directions and they all need to be weighed so that she can make the choice that will be best for her.
 
1ke said:
This is a prudential matter.
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+1

From BOTH of your sides, is this a near occasion of sin? Is there any chance that this thing could turn into a frustrating situation for one or the other? Is there any chance it’s going to turn into a drunken mistake one night? Is there going to be clear transparency to all who might be interested that this is NOTHING more than a financial cohabitation (aka, you live together to save money)?

Basically, you want to avoid several things:
  1. You ruin your friendship. Yes, this does happen because sometimes friendship is predicated on NOT knowing everything about each other. Case in point: one of my friends lived with one of her friends and it nearly killed their friendship because he turned out to be OCD about where everything in the house was, and got mad at her frequently about it.
  2. You could ruin your friendship x2. YOU might not be interested in this guy, but guys approach friendship from a fundamentally different perspective than women (generally speaking). Is he going to have the wrong expectations? Is he going to be offended when that doesn’t materialize?
  3. You could cause scandal: if the situation is not immediately transparent and innocent to all reasonable observers, you could scandalize the church by presenting the image of a Catholic who flaunts the church’s teachings on chastity… whether or not there is inappropriate behavior. As they say in the military, perception is reality to others.
  4. You could slip into sin. There is a chance that, if you are attracted to this person, you could make a dumb mistake and end up going from “near occasion of sin” into the realm of sin. So if there is ANY temptation on your part, that’s a dangerous situation.
If you can avoid those four things… then the answer is MAYBE, based on prudential judgement. If those four things are going to cause issues, then you should DEFINITELY consider another roommate situation.
 
Like 1ke said, this is a prudential matter. The posters who are warning about ruining a friendship have some points. If I was single, I wouldn’t want to live with even my best same-sex friend for a prolonged period of time unless I had to.

At any rate, the issue is one of prudence. If you think there’s temptation at all then don’t do it. If you think a third person would help, then do that. There’s nothing sinful in two people of different sexes living together chastely. Whether it’s a smart decision or one that brings occasions of sin to the fore is another matter.
 
From another young adult: I have had guys and girls for roommates, and they have always worked out well. The key is keeping it clear to yourselves and others where your relationship stands. You want this first to maintain a good relationship at home, but also to avoid the scandal it can cause. Also, you want to make sure others know that, 1) no, you are not a couple, and, 2) if appropriate, that you are single and available to date.

I live with a female friend at the present moment. It is notable that I can easily afford to live on my own but choose this situation. Roommates add to the fun of life - I want to come home and hang out or go out with friends, and there is one more person trying to plan these events. We get along well and she has generally been one of the lowest drama roommates I’ve ever had. We attend weekly Mass together with a group of friends, some of whom live in similarly platonic coed households. It seems to be a rather common thing among young professionals.

I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t, but I think it is just crazy to say, “If you live together, you will sin together.” Your mother’s friends might think that, but your friends probably won’t find it unusual at all (although you might be prepared for some jokes to be thrown your way about it).
 
mike14620 said:
I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t, but I think it is just crazy to say, “If you live together, you will sin together.” Your mother’s friends might think that, but your friends probably won’t find it unusual at all (although you might be prepared for some jokes to be thrown your way about it).
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While it is becoming much more common, some people, even our age will find it unusual, especially if you are dating someone else. This was a frequent conversation:

Random person: “Wait, you live with a man but you’re dating someone else?”
Me: “Yes”
RP: “And there’s nothing going on with you and your roommate?”
Me: “That’s correct”
RP: “And your boyfriend doesn’t care?”
Me: “Not at all”
RP: “Why not???”
Me: “Maturity.” (Or if I wasn’t feeling snarky: “He knew about this when we met, and he and my roommate get along really well, and there is clearly nothing going on between us. We have trust.”)
RP: " …WOW!":eek:

Granted, a lot of people thought it was cool, but there were still a few who were shocked.
 
1ke said:
This is a prudential matter.
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Exactly.

Only you can truly decide if this is a near occasion of sin for you.

For what it’s worth…I had two girlfriends find themselves in these living arrangements. One made it work and they lived together for a few years before moving on…her roommate got married. The other girlfriend ended up sleeping with the guy and breaking up with him during the lease. It was incredibly awkward for them both while they were living together. They started out as platonic friends and then alcohol got involved and as one would say “one thing led to another…”
 
As others have said. This is a prudential judgement. One thing to note is that in BlueEyedLady’s example, the apartment she shared was 2 bed/2 full bath. That may be hard to find and may negate the money saving aspects of sharing.

I did share a co-ed apartment in college briefly. It was a very uncomfortable situation because the man and one female roommate begin a sexual relationship. I actually moved back into on-campus housing to get away from this situation.

Before you make a decision, look into finding other roommates. The campus chaplain is a good place to look. Perhaps among your various other friends there may be one or two interested in making a housing change.
 
I grew up with 3 brothers.

I would never have a male roomate! 😉

Seriously, if you have a suite sort of deal (large rooms with bathrooms and a shared kitchen/dining area) then it might work. I knew a good catholic house where they had a young family on the 1st floor using 2 bedrooms and the lower bath, a young men on the 2nd floor (3 tiny bedrooms and 1 bath) and two young women on the 3rd floor with a 1/2 bath. They all shared a living room and kitchen.

But an ordinary 2 bedroom aparment? No a great idea.

This is an oppurtunity to grow and make another friend. Your male friend can also do the same.

I know in this time of confused sexuality it’s hard to find a trusting roommate. In fact, I don’t have a roommate right now as a working adult because there are alot of closet lesbians, and I really don’t want to deal with that. My friend and her mother moved in with one because she was female and learned the hard way that not all females are “safe”.

Just as much as you need a friend, you can be a friend. There are other females with good intentions out there, just keep with the same gender, non-sexual roomate.
 
1ke said:
This is a prudential matter.
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Exactly.

There are also many, many variables. “Rooming with others” can mean anything from having one open studio (probably not good for mixed-sex roommates) to a large apartment or house where everyone has their own rooms (better idea). There is also the issue of being attracted to others. If there is a natural attraction between the roommates, rooming together is likely a bad idea.

IMHO, in general, it’s just best to avoid the situation altogether if at all possible.
 
ValPal said:
IMHO, in general, it’s just best to avoid the situation altogether if at all possible.
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I agree with that.

But like others have said, only you can truly decide if rooming together would be sinful.

I have a good friend who rents a house with four other people. 3 girls, 2 guys. They each have their own room. There’s three full baths (it’s a pretty big house!) and a half, so the two guys share a bathroom, two girls share a bathroom, and one girl has a full to herself. The house is in a not-so-great part of town and my friend says how blessed she is to live with two men. It makes the situation much safer. But overall, the house they live in is quite large…I think the living arrangements and other details mimic that of a co-ed college dorm. So no big deal really.

It really just depends on the details and both of you individually…it’s something only you can truly decide. Best wishes.
 
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