Living together before the Sacrament of Marriage

[Kathryn_Ann]

Of course you could also have considered congratulating them on getting married.

They’re still not married yet. They’ll have lived together for six years when the time finally comes.

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

The problem is how young people approach dating. Dating is no longer just going on an outing to the movies. It is considered entering into a relationship which takes gradual steps to greater and greater levels of commitment. Their goal is not to pick a good spouse, but to follow their heart and keep the flame alive from the beginning. If they can make it work for years, they tend to want to have a wedding to celebrate their success. In some ways the marriage is seen like a graduation. They often do not commit to each other anymore than they were committed before their wedding. If they are religious, they tend to hold this idea that the sacrament of marriage gives them merely special graces to help them the rest of the way. It blesses their relationship and puts them in God’s favor.

Since they do not see marriage as the exchanging of matrimonial consent and entering into a sacred covenant, they overcommit prior to marriage and undercommit when they get married.

I think the best book I’ve seen on the subject is Wing to Wing Oar to Oar by Leon Kass. It addresses the much broader issues involved. It is not simply an issue of fornication. It is a whole wrong approach to courtship and marriage.

**
I completely agree. There needs to be a sense of the sacred understood in the overall approach to marriage and also a keen respect for each person’s uniqueness and holiness as a child of God throughout all our relationships. Thank you for your comments. **:harp::harp:

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking on this topic recently. My 28yo niece (and goddaughter) is now living with her fiance with wedding set for August 2012. Although I’ve not been in her “orbit of consciousness” for many years, I decided I’d venture back with a letter to tell her of a better way to prepare for marriage.

Here is the most of the letter:
As I was mulling over this letter, it occurred to me that, since a single woman remains under the authority of her father until she is married, it is her father’s (my brother) responsibility to tell her this. So I wrote my brother a letter and asked him to forward my letter to his daughter. My brother did talk with E about my letter but her response was, “Tell Aunt K I appreciate her concern, but I don’t want to read her letter.”:sad_yes:

I made a second appeal reminding him of his obligation to help E and that he owes itto me and to her to forward my letter. She obviously mistook the intent of my letter as one of judgment, but it was a letter of PURE LOVE. No response from second appeal.:sad_yes:

The issue here is not following Church teaching, but finding God’s best for us (which is expressed in Church teaching, but most people are deaf to that now). I think it is our duty to translate Church teaching for these young people into words they can hear, so perhaps they will be spared the dreadful consequences of going against God’s perfect way.

An excellent book on this subject I heartily recommend is The Ring Makes All the Difference (Subtitle: The Hidden Consequences of Cohabitation and the Strong Benefits of Marriage) by Glenn Stanton (Moody Press).

This is an important book for women (and the men who love them) to read before they make the decision to cohabit or engage in s*x before marriage. The author points out that cohabitation is the “man’s relationship” but marriage is the woman’s. Feminism has not served women well and co-habitation is another horrible failure for women–as are, of course, contraception and abortion.

If you have someone in your family who is headed for this train wreck, PRAY! PRAY! PRAY! Ask God for wisdom to know what to do because there is a lot you can do.

em

It’s wonderful that you care enough to write, to pray, and have the courage of your convictions to allow you to share your wisdom. Would that more people take the time to show that they really care what happens to our young people. It’s hard when society stays silent on the issue, and we feel like one small voice in the wilderness. Blessings.:angel1::harp:

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

Remember when “staying together for the sake of the children” was considered a noble thing to do?

:angel1::angel1:
**Yes, I certainly do. Today, people are made to feel foolish when they try their best to stay together for the sake of the children. Doing the noble thing goes against the grain of our “me first” society. I do understand that there are circumstances (such as women being battered or abused, safety issues) where people must part ways. I do hope we can all do our part to stand up for marriage as a Sacrament, and that respect for the woman’s future and the man’s is showing that we believe in God’s love for our well being. Children are so often caught in the middle. **:harp::heaven:

 

[fred_conty]

Living in sin to prepare for a sacrament. Things have certainly changed.

 

[JimG]

The problem is how young people approach dating. Dating is no longer just going on an outing to the movies. It is considered entering into a relationship which takes gradual steps to greater and greater levels of commitment. Their goal is not to pick a good spouse, but to follow their heart and keep the flame alive from the beginning. If they can make it work for years, they tend to want to have a wedding to celebrate their success. In some ways the marriage is seen like a graduation. They often do not commit to each other anymore than they were committed before their wedding. If they are religious, they tend to hold this idea that the sacrament of marriage gives them merely special graces to help them the rest of the way. It blesses their relationship and puts them in God’s favor.

Since they do not see marriage as the exchanging of matrimonial consent and entering into a sacred covenant, they overcommit prior to marriage and undercommit when they get married.

I think the best book I’ve seen on the subject is Wing to Wing Oar to Oar by Leon Kass. It addresses the much broader issues involved. It is not simply an issue of fornication. It is a whole wrong approach to courtship and marriage.

I was struck by this observation, especially the bolded part. Of course, they do overcommit in a sense by living together before marriage, but in doing so, the really do “undercommit” because there are no marital vows to what is essentially an “at will” relationship. And the subsequent marriage also is an undercommitment because they do not view it as any different in essence from cohabitation.

 

[puppyluv]

Avoid this at all costs! We gave in to the culture and we are still suffering because of our poor choice. We are married now, but our marriage would have been so much better if we chose to wait. No don’t go there at all. Run if you have to.