Living together vs Marriage

[Spid3rman79]

first of all let me say hello to everyone in this forum as a new member.

There’s something that’s been weighing heavy in my mind and heart. Both my girlfriend and myself are 32 years old. She has a 6 year old beautiful girl, and we’ve been together for 3 years. We’ve started to plan to get married hopefully next year.

Because of difficult circumstances with her family, for a while now we’ve had talks and discussion on the pros and cons of moving in and living together.

First and foremost I know and understand that I am a fully grown man.

With that set aside, this is my feelings on teh subject.

1 - We’re both born and raised catholics. Her views on the subject vary drastically from my own. She believes that it’s normal for couples today to move in and live together beofre they wed.

2 - I do not have anything against it, except that it has always been my wish to move in with the woman i love the day I marry.

3 - the opinions of my parents and they way they raised me are a crucial part of this dilema, which she seems to think are anticuated, and old.

4 - I understand that moving in together would help her solve a lot of the financial and emotional issues she has been dealing with because of her family.

5 - I know if I were to tell my parents I’m thinking of moving in with her, it would be a very nasty argument. That’s something that I would rather avoid.

6 - I don’t know what to do.

If it’ll help here’s a few details:
She’s a single mother who lives with her brother and mother. Her brother does not help her in any way shape of form financially.

If anybody would like more details, please let me know. Let’s all work together to solve this problem I’m having. Thank you all and God bless.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m not going to speak as to whether or not you should or shouldn’t. Every one else will give you plenty of reasons not to.

But I am going to ask one thing. If you are 32 years old and you want to marry this woman why are you worried about your parent’s opinions and feelings over hers?

If you don’t feel comfortable with it or feel that its right certainly don’t do it. But if your biggest consideration is a fight with your parents, are you really ready to think about marriage?

 

[Schieffelin]

Well first of all I think it’s a bit of a red flag that she’s putting pressure on you to do this, and it’s a bit of a red flag that you apparently aren’t sure what your own morals and priorities are. I personally wouldn’t marry someone who thinks it’s OK to live together before marriage. If they thought it was OK it would mean we have completely different values systems and the marriage would be very difficult.

That being said–if you already know for sure that you want to get married, and it’s urgent that you move in together, why don’t you just go ahead and get married? There’s absolutely no requirement that you have some big elaborate party that is expensive and takes a year of planning. Better to avoid a grave sin and just get married. You can have a big party next year.

My husband and I ended up having a very short engagement and a small wedding because we needed to hurry up and get married for immigration reasons. We could have just lived together and faked being married, but that would have been both sinful and unlawful. So instead we just had a smaller wedding.

 

[Schieffelin]

p.s. Welcome to CAF

 

[PatriceA]

first of all let me say hello to everyone in this forum as a new member.

There’s something that’s been weighing heavy in my mind and heart. Both my girlfriend and myself are 32 years old. She has a 6 year old beautiful girl, and we’ve been together for 3 years. We’ve started to plan to get married hopefully next year.

Because of difficult circumstances with her family, for a while now we’ve had talks and discussion on the pros and cons of moving in and living together.

First and foremost I know and understand that I am a fully grown man.

With that set aside, this is my feelings on teh subject.

1 - We’re both born and raised catholics. Her views on the subject vary drastically from my own. She believes that it’s normal for couples today to move in and live together beofre they wed.

2 - I do not have anything against it, except that it has always been my wish to move in with the woman i love the day I marry.

3 - the opinions of my parents and they way they raised me are a crucial part of this dilema, which she seems to think are anticuated, and old.

4 - I understand that moving in together would help her solve a lot of the financial and emotional issues she has been dealing with because of her family.

5 - I know if I were to tell my parents I’m thinking of moving in with her, it would be a very nasty argument. That’s something that I would rather avoid.

6 - I don’t know what to do.

If it’ll help here’s a few details:
She’s a single mother who lives with her brother and mother. Her brother does not help her in any way shape of form financially.

If anybody would like more details, please let me know. Let’s all work together to solve this problem I’m having. Thank you all and God bless.

1. Just because the “norm” is to live together before marriage, does not make it right thing to do. Especially if one is Catholic and trying to live out the Catholic faith to the best of one’s abilities and follow the teachings of the Church on the subject of living together.
2. Your wish to move in together on the day you marry should be honored by your intended.
3. Again, the teachings of the Church on the subject may be “old”, that doesn’t mean they are not accurate and should be heeded by Catholics, present and future.
4. “Emotional issues” can not be solved by moving in together, its just slapping a band aid on the situation and this would be a huge red flag for me. Marriage can’t solve “emotional issues” either by the way. This is an area that needs to be addressed whether you move in together or plan to get married as soon as possible and before you proceed with ANY plans.
5. As somebody already said, you should be able to make any decision about your future on your own. BUT, discussing any plans with your parents that have known you your whole life shouldn’t be something to be anxious about either and if discussing the future would upset your parents, you have to ask yourself why and could be another red flag.
6. Have you prayed about the situation? Discussed it with your priest or another person knowledgeable in the faith and the Church’s teachings?

There is a #7 to consider…the child of your girlfriend. Any future plans should include what affect it would have on this child. Is the decision to move in together really considering the best interests of the child, not just now but also in the future? Why not make plans to get married ASAP? If you truly love this woman and this child, that you will now be raising together, than what is the hold up in planning marriage? Why is living together even an option?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Well first of all I think it’s a bit of a red flag that she’s putting pressure on you to do this, and it’s a bit of a red flag that you apparently aren’t sure what your own morals and priorities are. I personally wouldn’t marry someone who thinks it’s OK to live together before marriage. If they thought it was OK it would mean we have completely different values systems and the marriage would be very difficult.

That being said–if you already know for sure that you want to get married, and it’s urgent that you move in together, why don’t you just go ahead and get married? There’s absolutely no requirement that you have some big elaborate party that is expensive and takes a year of planning. Better to avoid a grave sin and just get married. You can have a big party next year.

My husband and I ended up having a very short engagement and a small wedding because we needed to hurry up and get married for immigration reasons. We could have just lived together and faked being married, but that would have been both sinful and unlawful. So instead we just had a smaller wedding.

^ This. You know that living together before marriage is wrong. You know that you want to marry the woman you love. If this is the woman you love, you can get married before a priest without the big wedding ceremony. You will still need to do pre-Cana but the sooner you get that started the better.

The argument about helping her out economically is troubling. It would suggest that she may be using you improve her situation, which is not a good sign for a long-term relationship. She really should be self-sufficient before you marry.

Think and pray about this. Welcome to CAF.

 

[1ke]

So, if her moral values and beliefs are so drastically different from yours, why is it that you are contemplating marriage with her? Are these the morals and values you want taught to your future children?

You really have a much bigger issue on your hands.

Of course, you know the answer regarding cohabitation-- it is wrong to do so. Above and beyond that, it sounds like she has some serious issues, and the two of you have some things you reaslly need to work through. Living together and having her financially dependent upon you would make it difficult to call off any nuptials should you ultimately discern there is a need for that.

Really, this is a very bad idea.

 

[Elizium23]

But I am going to ask one thing. If you are 32 years old and you want to marry this woman why are you worried about your parent’s opinions and feelings over hers?

If you don’t feel comfortable with it or feel that its right certainly don’t do it. But if your biggest consideration is a fight with your parents, are you really ready to think about marriage?

I think the OP should be commended for honoring his father and mother. I think everyone would do well to listen to their parents even when they become adults and supposedly “know better”

I certainly take into account how my parents feel about my choice of girlfriends, and I can tell you that they have helped me dodge some bullets - and also, if I had taken their advice, I would have been married a long time ago.

 

[gardenswithkids]

first of all let me say hello to everyone in this forum as a new member.

There’s something that’s been weighing heavy in my mind and heart. Both my girlfriend and myself are 32 years old. She has a 6 year old beautiful girl, and we’ve been together for 3 years.** We’ve started to plan to get married hopefully next year. **

Because of difficult circumstances with her family, for a while now we’ve had talks and discussion on the pros and cons of moving in and living together.

First and foremost I know and understand that I am a fully grown man.

With that set aside, this is my feelings on teh subject.

1 - We’re both born and raised catholics. Her views on the subject vary drastically from my own. She believes that it’s normal for couples today to move in and live together beofre they wed.

2 - I do not have anything against it, except that **it has always been my wish to move in with the woman i love the day I marry. **

3 - the opinions of my parents and they way they raised me are a crucial part of this dilema, which she seems to think are anticuated, and old.

4 - I understand that moving in together would help her solve a lot of the financial and emotional issues she has been dealing with because of her family.

5 - I know if I were to tell my parents I’m thinking of moving in with her, it would be a very nasty argument. That’s something that I would rather avoid.

6 - I don’t know what to do.

If it’ll help here’s a few details:
She’s a single mother who lives with her brother and mother. Her brother does not help her in any way shape of form financially.

If anybody would like more details, please let me know. Let’s all work together to solve this problem I’m having. Thank you all and God bless.

Hello and welcome.

If you already know you want to marry this woman, and it’s always been your wish to move in with the woman you love on the day you marry, then why wait until next year to get married?

Another question: are you sure that you really want to marry her? Faith and morality issues aside for the moment, she sounds willing to dismiss what you want on an important matter so she can get whatshe wants. Moving in with her might “solve” her family problems, but it would cause problems in your family–and she doesn’t seem to care about that. You’ve been dating for three years and you still are not married to her. Maybe there’s a good reason why you haven’t married her yet.

Honestly, you sound like a nice guy. Nice guys deserve women who cares about what they think and their relationships with their family. If you want to marry her, then don’t just “play house” for a year or more–marry her! But if she doesn’t respect your views on faith and family, then your relationship has some problems that moving in together certainly will not fix.

BTW, before you decide to marry her, watch how she gets along with her family, (father, mother, brother…). If you marry her, you and your future children become her family. She’s living with her mother and brother now–and if she doesn’t know how to get along with the people she lives with, then…well, she doesn’t know how to get along with the people she lives with. I don’t know her and she may be a perfectly lovely woman, but just going off what you’ve written, I see some serious warning signs.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I think the OP should be commended for honoring his father and mother. I think everyone would do well to listen to their parents even when they become adults and supposedly “know better”

I certainly take into account how my parents feel about my choice of girlfriends, and I can tell you that they have helped me dodge some bullets - and also, if I had taken their advice, I would have been married a long time ago.

Of course you should take in to consideration how your parents feel about your girlfriend. But that’s in the beginning. Once you are seriously involved it becomes completely inappropriate to say “I’m sorry, but we can’t take this step in our relationship because my parents won’t like it and we’d have an argument.”

At a certain point decision have to be made between the couple, not the couple and parents. I would think that 3 years is well past that point.

 

[PatriceA]

Of course you should take in to consideration how your parents feel about your girlfriend. But that’s in the beginning. Once you are seriously involved it becomes completely inappropriate to say “I’m sorry, but we can’t take this step in our relationship because my parents won’t like it and we’d have an argument.”

At a certain point decision have to be made between the couple, not the couple and parents. I would think that 3 years is well past that point.

Its not just the 3 years, but that the OP is 32. That should be the factor in whether the parents should have that much influence or not. I would hope there has been independence established from the parents by now.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Its not just the 3 years, but that the OP is 32. That should be the factor in whether the parents should have that much influence or not. I would hope there has been independence established from the parents by now.

Very very true.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Its not just the 3 years, but that the OP is 32. That should be the factor in whether the parents should have that much influence or not. I would hope there has been independence established from the parents by now.

Well, not on the woman’s side. She is still living with her mother and brother, and has a 6 year old daughter to support.

The more I think about this, the more I think the OP should draw the line and say NO to this.

 

[St_Francis]

I think the OP knows it is wrong to cohabitate before marriage, and that his parents know it is wrong, so not only would he be doing something wrong but it would cause problems with his family to do this.

The gf is pressuring him to do something wrong, and moreover, destructive to their future marriage (people who live together before marrriage are more likely to divorce).

*In adidtion, *she is pressuring him to do something which will cause problems between him and his family.

The first is very serious, the second is a problem depending on the circumstances–it’s one thing to say go against your family in the matter of always having Sunday dinner at their house so that sometimes we can have Sunday dinner at my parents’ house or even at home; and another entirely to say go against your family by doing the wrong thing.

If nothing else, she is setting herself up to not have good relations with her in-laws, but it is also a bad course to take with one’s future husband as well.

 

[PatriceA]

Well, not on the woman’s side. She is still living with her mother and brother, and has a 6 year old daughter to support.

The more I think about this, the more I think the OP should draw the line and say NO to this.

Like I said in my earlier post, what is in the best interest of this 6 year old wasn’t even mentioned by the OP and that is a huge red flag. Regardless that living together before marriage goes against Catholic teachings, what is going to happen to this 6 year old if the OP does decide to move in together and the relationship doesn’t work out? What about any attachments the OP has made to the child or the child to the OP? Its one thing to “pretend” to be husband and wife by living together, its quite another to pretend to be a “father”. Its not fair to the child involved.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Like I said in my earlier post, what is in the best interest of this 6 year old wasn’t even mentioned by the OP and that is a huge red flag. Regardless that living together before marriage goes against Catholic teachings, what is going to happen to this 6 year old if the OP does decide to move in together and the relationship doesn’t work out? What about any attachments the OP has made to the child or the child to the OP? Its one thing to “pretend” to be husband and wife by living together, its quite another to pretend to be a “father”. ** It’s not fair to the child involved**.

Agree 100%. The mother is not thinking of her child in any of this, so the OP must do that for her.

 

[L_piperatus]

Spiderman, welcome to CAF!

I suggest that you start making preparations for marrying this lady, if indeed that’s what you have in mind after three years of dating her. But stick to your guns, and don’t move in with her before you tie the knot.

Pre-marital sex has been forbidden by God, and the Catholic Church rightfully upholds that ban to this day, even if many people think that it is no longer a problem to have sex before marriage. God’s rules haven’t changed, only people have fallen into error. Moving in with your fiancee, even if you won’t start being physically intimate with her, is a bad idea. Moving in will put both of you into a situation where you will be tempted to do things that should be saved for marriage. In addition, moving in will confuse the mind of your fiancee’s child, and will create scandal for people who know the two of you.

So, as I said, just stick to your guns and don’t move in with her before you marry her. Do things in an orderly fashion, and you will be happier, because you will find yourself on the right side of God. Marry her first, and move in and be intimate with her only after marriage.

 

[Swiss_Guy]

^ This. **You know that living together before marriage is wrong. ** You know that you want to marry the woman you love. If this is the woman you love, you can get married before a priest without the big wedding ceremony. You will still need to do pre-Cana but the sooner you get that started the better.

The argument about helping her out economically is troubling. It would suggest that she may be using you improve her situation, which is not a good sign for a long-term relationship. She really should be self-sufficient before you marry.

Think and pray about this. Welcome to CAF.

Sorry for butting in, but why is living together before marriage wrong if you don’t do anything sinful?

Thanks.

 

[hannajomar]

4 - I understand that moving in together would help her solve a lot of the financial and emotional issues she has been dealing with because of her family.

5 - I know if I were to tell my parents I’m thinking of moving in with her, it would be a very nasty argument. That’s something that I would rather avoid.

6 - I don’t know what to do.

It seems that she wants you to cause a rift in your family in order to help her deal with her family problems. Something about that just rubs me the wrong way.

---

Also, statistics show that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who move in together on their wedding day. If you are getting married next year, is that really too long for her to wait?

 

[Havard]

Sorry for butting in, but why is living together before marriage wrong if you don’t do anything sinful?

Thanks.

Copying myself from a thread earlier in the week:

Chauncey, I think the Bible does have something to say about these situations in at least two ways:

Testimony: The Bible says we should avoid even the appearance of evil. (Ephesians 5:3; 1 Thessalonians 5:22) How does the decision to live together affect those around them? What kind of an example does it set for younger people who are watching? How will people view their relationship who do not know about their commitment to abstain sexually? Our testimony affects how people view Christ and the church. Many have rejected Christianity because they do not see people living it out. Living together presents a poor testimony for Christ and his church.

Trivialization: Living together trivializes marriage by simultaneously mimicking its form and excluding the sacrament. This goes against Hebrews 13:4 which says: “Let marriage be honored by all.”