Living Together While being civilly married

[Nerakprz]

Hi All, I’m kind of in a dilema. My fiancée and I want to get married next year around September, however, he is currently living with his parents and I have my own house. He’s parents are making him pay $500 each month plus he has a good amount of school debt that he is still paying off. He keeps pushing at the fact that living together will help him and us overall save up for the wedding. And I do see that, however, I also believe that a couple should not live together unless they are married by the church otherwise they won’t be able to receive communion and we both DO want too. However, a friend mentioned that we should just get married civilly and allow him to live in a separate room until we do get married by the church that way he can pay off his debt and save money. I always believed that a couple shouldn’t live together unless married by the church but is there an exception to this? Is this a valid reason to get married civilly and allow him to move in in the guest room? We are so conflicted, please help!

 

[1ke]

He keeps pushing at the fact that living together will help him and us overall save up for the wedding.

This is not a reason to live together. Have a smaller less costly wedding.

a friend mentioned that we should just get married civilly and allow him to live in a separate room until we do get married by the church that way he can pay off his debt and save money.

Or you could do things the RIGHT way.

Getting married civilly is invalid. There is literally no point in doing that.

always believed that a couple shouldn’t live together unless married by the church but is there an exception to this?

No.

Is this a valid reason to get married civilly and allow him to move in in the guest room?

No.

We are so conflicted, please help

Please speak to the priest or deacon preparing you for marriage.

his parents aren’t pouring out a dime for the wedding

It’s not their responsibility nor your parents either. If either give you money towards the wedding, it’s a gift not an obligation.

As adults it is YOUR responsibility to pay for your own wedding. Have a small ceremony and reception. There is no need to go into debt for a wedding. Certainly not a reason to live together.

 

[1ke]

. You can civilly “marry” later

In the US, the Church marriage is the civil marriage. In other places, the civil marriage takes place first followed immediately by the Church wedding.

 

[angell1]

i woulnd’t advise it, althougnt it’s theoretically possible for you both to live under the same roof without anything happeneing, it’s not really recommended, for the majority of people who are attracted to each other, this would be a strong temptation to sin. normally i would suggest he could move out with some friends or get a roommate, but if finances are the concern, then i guess he wouldn’t want to do that either. as you said, your faith is important to the both of you, so try to stay strong, i know things are not ideal right now

 

[Irishmom2]

Why not just get married in church and be done with it?
Not sure why you think his parents should be paying anything, btw. If you two are old enough to live together as he is suggesting, you are old enough to pay for your own reception. The wedding itself is nominal. Live within your means.

 

[27lw]

How old is this guy, and how old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?

 

[lwest]

In the eyes of the church, being married civilly isn’t being married. Living as brother and sister isn’t technically wrong (I would guess) but there’s the temptation thing if you’re waiting until marriage to have sex. If you’re not waiting for marriage to have sex, you may want to decide if you really want to live the faith or just put on the facade of living the faith. Good luck to you.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Also, his parents aren’t pouring out a dime for the wedding

It’s not their job to pay for your wedding. Most couples I know paid for their own. My husband and I paid about 80 to 90 percent of the costs of ours. Our parents each wanted to contribute a little so we let them, but given that they were all over 65, retired and on fixed incomes we certainly didn’t expect them to pay anything and would have been fine with it if they didn’t.

 

[Nerakprz]

Sorry all, I added the family contributions because traditionally coming from a Mexican household, the guys and his family contribute more for the wedding. I too will also contribute but I guess it was just part of traditions

 

[lwest]

Is he from a Mexican household, too? If not, you have to take into account other cultures.

 

[Bernoulli]

I always believed that a couple shouldn’t live together unless married by the church but is there an exception to this?

If being “a couple” implies that they are living as if married, then no, that’s not allowed. Two people living within the same house is not inherently immoral, so it is possible for a proportionate reason, considering the cause of scandal and the temptation. If those two people are Catholics and married merely civilly, living in the same house would be more objectionable, not less.

 

[ZemD]

It is typical for the brides parents to pay for part of the wedding and the grooms parents to pay for part also. No it’s not required, and it would be rude to demand it, but it is common. Even if your not Mexican.

My family is poor as so is my husband’s. Even our families, working class people, knew what side of the family traditionally paid for what at the wedding. They didn’t necessarily pay for anything, but they all knew what was typically paid for by who. I’m surprised to see how many responses are criticizing you for that.

And to answer your question, do not live together before you marry. It will only cause problems. Try refinancing his loans to lower the interest or making favors, decorations, invitations stuff like that yourself for the wedding to save money. I did all that myself with my mother and it saved a ton and went over great with the guests.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

It is typical for the brides parents to pay for part of the wedding

As several people have said, it is something that can happen, but it is no longer “typical” in US society for parents to pay for weddings. It hasn’t been “typical” for decades as far as I know. Some of the reasons are that the couples getting married tend to be older and making money of their own when they marry, the parents often don’t have much money, the parents nowadays are often absent from their kids’ lives or even deceased (since the couples are older), and the couples nowadays want more control over their own weddings, whereas when the parents pay they often want more control over the arrangements.

The last time I attended weddings where parents were paying for everything, it was about 1979. Since then, all the weddings I’ve been to were planned and paid for entirely or mostly by the couple.

In other cultures, maybe it’s typical; those of us not from those cultures wouldn’t know, but this is a heavily US forum.

 

[ZemD]

@Tis_Bearself I’m really surprised to read that. I will take your word for it, I am only familiar with what goes on in my small town. I was married in 2015 and have had friends marry later than that and the typical, at least in my area, brides family - catering/venue and grooms family - alcohol/rehearsal dinner was done at all of them. Very surprised to hear that isn’t the norm!

You learn something new every day!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I don’t doubt there may be regional variations or customs.
I personally have never heard of the “groom’s family pays for alcohol/ rehearsal dinner” custom; some weddings I’ve been to have had a cash bar for those who want to drink, or even no alcohol at all at the reception if the couple’s religious beliefs frown on alcohol, or they or their families are trying to stay sober.

 

[Allie1]

Hi All, I’m kind of in a dilema. My fiancée and I want to get married next year around September, however, he is currently living with his parents and I have my own house. He’s parents are making him pay $500 each month plus he has a good amount of school debt that he is still paying off. He keeps pushing at the fact that living together will help him and us overall save up for the wedding. And I do see that, however, I also believe that a couple should not live together unless they are married by the church otherwise they won’t be able to receive communion and we both DO want too. However, a friend mentioned that we should just get married civilly and allow him to live in a separate room until we do get married by the church that way he can pay off his debt and save money. I always believed that a couple shouldn’t live together unless married by the church but is there an exception to this? Is this a valid reason to get married civilly and allow him to move in in the guest room? We are so conflicted, please help!

You can get married in the church now. The church does not mandate that you spend money on a wedding.
What is needed is a bride and groom, 2 witnesses, 1 priest.

You can possibly splurge on a restaurant afterwards.

In the end you’ll be in a sacramental marriage, that is recognized by the church, you can live together as husband and wife. In the exact same way as others who spend loads of money on an expensive wedding, except without the debt.

 

[Irishmom2]

I personally have never heard of the “groom’s family pays for alcohol/ rehearsal dinner” custom;

I never heard of that either until recently. In the case where I heard it, the groom wanted to be sure there would be enough booze for his friends. And I thought, that is the considerate thing to do then. I have heard that the grooms parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, but mostly as a courtesy, and not an obligation. I think the idea of a rehearsal dinner is not necessary, and the last thing some brides/families need or want to be doing.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

We had one, but I think we paid for it ourselves. It is possible that one of the uncles might have picked up the tab out of the blue, unasked, as a gift to us, but I can’t remember. I know we were at least planning to pay for it, since the point was to get together with all the out-of-town family who had just arrived that day for the wedding and it would be the last chance we had to gather like that.

 

[27lw]

Nerakprz:

Hi All, I’m kind of in a dilema. My fiancée and I want to get married next year around September, however, he is currently living with his parents and I have my own house. He’s parents are making him pay $500 each month plus he has a good amount of school debt that he is still paying off. He keeps pushing at the fact that living together will help him and us overall save up for the wedding. And I do see that, however, I also believe that a couple should not live together unless they are married by the church otherwise they won’t be able to receive communion and we both DO want too. However, a friend mentioned that we should just get married civilly and allow him to live in a separate room until we do get married by the church that way he can pay off his debt and save money. I always believed that a couple shouldn’t live together unless married by the church but is there an exception to this? Is this a valid reason to get married civilly and allow him to move in in the guest room? We are so conflicted, please help!

You can get married in the church now. The church does not mandate that you spend money on a wedding.
What is needed is a bride and groom, 2 witnesses, 1 priest.

You can possibly splurge on a restaurant afterwards.

In the end you’ll be in a sacramental marriage, that is recognized by the church, you can live together as husband and wife. In the exact same way as others who spend loads of money on an expensive wedding, except without the debt.

Here’s the thing though, in the Catholic Church there needs to be some counseling done first, which can take quite a while (months).

 

[Allie1]

Here’s the thing though, in the Catholic Church there needs to be some counseling done first, which can take quite a while (months)

Yes this is true, I was assuming that their marriage prep was done. Thank you for mentioning that.