Living together

  • Thread starter Thread starter homewardbound
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
H

homewardbound

Guest
Yes, I know there are already many threads on this. But here’s my situation. I really want to know if this is sinful or not, so I can know what to do.

I live with my boyfriend and another friend of ours. I’ve been living with them since I was kicked out of school last fall. Now, it is coming up time to sign a new lease. Is it sinful for me to be living with my boyfriend? As long as we are not intimate, what is sinful about it? How is it sinful just because other’s have sick enough minds to jump to conclusions that they have no proof of? Even if we weren’t living together other people would assume we were intimate, so how is that different?

Also, I suffer from pretty severe mental health illnesses. I break down often and my boyfriend hides my meds from me so I cannot overdose. He supports and protects me from myself when I need him too. I’m afriad of living by myself, and I think he’s even more afriad because then I wouldn’t have anyone around when I lose my head and break down. Its something I am working on with therapy, but it will be awhile before I am stable. He doesn’t want to marry me until I am stable because what fun would it be to have a wife and then lose her?

I just don’t know what to do. We are practicing chastity, we a re best friends, and yes others probably do assume we are intimate. Should I try to get a place of my own anyway despite the dangers it may present, so I can be free of sinning in any gray areas? Or am I okay where I am now? I want to be confirmed Catholic, but I don’t want to be confirmed yet if I am somehow living in sin. For once, I want to be pure in God’s eyes. I know my mental illness and suicidal thoughts are keeping me from this, but is my living situation also?
 
First and foremost I would recommend making an appointment with the local priest and going to see him to talk things over. Its often better to discuss such important matters face to face.

Your boyfriend sounds like a very caring person and its very good to know that you have someone to take care of you. However, a boyfriend is a boyfriend and husband is a husband. There is obviously a huge difference here and it does not all have to do with intimacy.

Before you consider whether or not this situation your in is sinful or harmless, please consider the following. Most studies have shown that it is a bad idea for a couple to live together before marriage. One of the obvious religious reasosn has to do with sexual relations before marriage but there are other very practical concerns to take in affect. Many of these studies have shown that a couple who are living together before marriage have a higher chance of divorce later or a higher degree of maritial discord. Couples who live together do not have the same commitment (although I wonder sometimes at how seriously many people take marriage nowadays) that married couples do. Marriage is a vow and a sacrament and should be considered truly “to death do you part” and I would say probably beyond that even :). A boyfriend and girlfriend although commited are no where near as commited as a married couple. Non married couples break up all the time, as do married couples, but a couple thats not married has no real commitment to eachother. True comitment is called marriage.

Secondly, the studies further find that couples who have lived together before marriage have a more diffciult time communicating with eachother than those that didn’t. Look at the scenarios between a married couple and a dating couple living in the same residence. The couple who just got married and moved in together just started that reltionship. New marriage, new aprtment or house together, different rules and enviorment. They no longer say goodnight and go to their own places but rather live under the same roof and have taken a huge commitment to eachother. Now look at a couple who are already living together and then get married. Same bed, same house, same arrangent, but now the same last name. The study shows that these couples tend to continue their relationship and level of comitment at the boyfriend girlfriend level rather than the much higher level of marriage. Try making a marriage work when the couple is still in the routine of boyfriend/girlfriend.

A boyfriend does has responsibilities but they are nowhere near the same level as husband. A boyfriend can call it quits whenever he wants. Though it is nice to see that your boyfriend takes such good care of you and loves you so much. No matter how i put this its going to come out wrong and I’m sorry for that; but if your boyfriend is the one who helps protect you from yourself and take care of you then that is the responsibility of a husband not a boyfriend. While your boyfriend does a have a reponsibility to you what you describe of him is the obligation and caring only a husband should do.

The question is the level of commitment you and he have for eachother. Your illness might very well be with you, to one degree or another, your entire time togther regardles of marriage or continuing the way you are. There are almost no guarantees in life. This relationship you are in is a bigger commitemnt then a boyfriend and girlfriend should be in. I almost worry that you depend on him as much as you should be able to depend on a husband.

The statement “He doesn’t want to marry me until I am stable because what fun would it be to have a wife and then lose her?” kinda worries me a bit. From what you have described of him, I’m pretty sure losing you as you are now or when you are married later would still hurt him bad. It seems alot like saying I dont want to marry you until im sure you will be cured of cancer. Love is love, commitemnt is commitement, for richer or poorer, for better or worse.

If your boyfriend is truly commited to wanting to take care of you for the rest of his life then you should really think about marriage. In the meantime it would probably be best for your reltionship and future relationship if you did not live under the same roof. If you have family members or someone you could stay with that would be ideal. If not, you can only do what you can do and it might even be best to stay in the sam situation you are now depending on the circumstances. but if you care for your boyfriend make sure you don’t make him feel like he has to take the responsibilities of a husband. I hope all works out for you.
 
Your line about “what fun is that” hints that you and your boyfriend should speak with your Priest about the serious nature of marriage. Marriage is not the official of approval on a romance, nor is it based on fun.

Dig out your copy of the CCC and begin at 2201.

I. THE FAMILY IN GOD’S PLAN
The nature of the family
2201 The conjugal community is established upon the consent of the spouses. Marriage and the family are ordered to the good of the spouses and to the procreation and education of children. The love of the spouses and the begetting of children create among members of the same family personal relationships and primordial responsibilities.
2202 A man and a woman united in marriage, together with their children, form a family. This institution is prior to any recognition by public authority, which has an obligation to recognize it. It should be considered the normal reference point by which the different forms of family relationship are to be evaluated. 2203 In creating man and woman, God instituted the human family and endowed it with its fundamental constitution. Its members are persons equal in dignity. For the common good of its members and of society, the family necessarily has manifold responsibilities, rights, and duties.
 
Thank you. All of what you said has been exactly what I have been thinking recently. I depend on my boyfriend way too much and our relationship is much more like a husband/wife one then of two people who are just dating. We are very committed to each other. He says that its not so much me giving him the responsibility as him taking them. The only big problem leaving presents is I will then be putting him and our other roommate(who is female) in a bad financial situation. But they can always live on campus for a semester. However, I’ll have to weigh the pros and cons of that. I know I could either get a section 8 and live on my own, or stay with family.

But yeah, the dependence and the level of commitment we have for each other is way too much for a boyfriend/girlfriend. I wish he would marry me, but I dunno. I honestly think his biggest concern with that is his family because…I really don’t know. I’m feeling confused right now but thank you for your post I do agree with all that you said.
 
Okay, sorry about my last post. I was discussing this with my boyfriend at the time and got confused.

I want you all to know we take the sacrament of marriage very seriously. We have both discerned our callings and truly 100% believe marriage is what we are supposed to do. I know its not about romance or fun, I’m sorry I threw that comment in. I was just perturbed at the comment and made it sound light because I didn’t feel it was a valid reason.

So, anyway, there are certain circumstances as to why we are living together. If things had gone perfectly we would never have moved in together, but when I flunked out of school I had a job at the time and didn’t want to lose that to go home penniless to my parents who can’t really afford to keep me and would rather not anyway. So yeah.

However, this thread has helped a lot. We just had a nice discussion about everything and I learned his biggest fears of marriage is his families reaction. So, he assured me he does want to get married and says he’ll broach the subject with his mom this weekend when he sees her. Oh boy. I don’t wanna rush him into anything(he says he does want to get married and said I’m right that what others think shouldn’t matter if we feel we are called to be together), but at least now I feel like we’re getting somewhere with this.

Thank you for your responses.

EDIT: We are going to talk with a priest as well, we definitely need too.
 
if you are living a chaste life, the main sin would be scandal. your culpability for this sin is too complicated for us to figure out on a discussion board. get thee to a priest and pray to God he is a good pastor of souls.
 
kage_ar said:
Sounds as if you are headed in the right direction!! 👍
Click to expand...
I am not at all sure that having her move out and leave her boyfriend living with the female roommate is the best way to head in the right direction; it leaves a living together situation. Sounds to me as if it is time for the boyfriend to move out and a third female to room with them. This also alleviates the OP’s concern about living alone.
 
CuriousInIL said:
I am not at all sure that having her move out and leave her boyfriend living with the female roommate is the best way to head in the right direction; it leaves a living together situation. Sounds to me as if it is time for the boyfriend to move out and a third female to room with them. This also alleviates the OP’s concern about living alone.
Click to expand...
It seemed to me they are moving toward marriage and talking to a priest. That is the right direction 🙂
 
CuriousInIL said:
I am not at all sure that having her move out and leave her boyfriend living with the female roommate is the best way to head in the right direction; it leaves a living together situation. Sounds to me as if it is time for the boyfriend to move out and a third female to room with them. This also alleviates the OP’s concern about living alone.
Click to expand...
He told me if I move out, since even if we do get married it won’t be for at least 6 months right?, he will move back into the dorms. Our friend is graduating before him anyway so signing a new lease with her wouldn’t work. The more I think about it the more I like the idea. He can finish up school with no financial worries, and I can try to save up some money, while living at home and at least by this time next year we could get married?

Or the third roommate idea might work too. We have another female friend who might be coming to school here. Like I said, he can always go back to living on campus.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top