Living with a new Christian who has no Christian values

[nickybr38]

I’m not sure if this is the right forum, I’m not sure where this should go really! I just thought I’d seek advice wherever I can find it. God speaks through many different avenues and I want to be open to them all.

Anyway, my roommate was newly baptised this Saturday after a truly inadequate RCIA process that taught her nothing about Christian values. The problem with this is that she was not raised in a Christian home and she does not know some VERY basic Christian truths (I won’t go into details, I don’t think the details are that important actually!). My problem now is that we are together a lot and I constantly see her engaging in unChristian behaviors. I’m uncertain what I should do to help her or even if I should attempt to help her!

As Christians we are supposed to help admonish each other but I’m just not sure if it’s my place to do this. I have attempted to correct her on a few things (like wearing cleavage baring shirts to Mass - or gossiping about other people at Mass) but she dismisses a lot of what I say because she she’s always done these things and they are comfortable to her so why would they be wrong? It doesn’t feel wrong to her so she refuses to hear that there is any possibility it could be inappropriate (this isn’t just about issues of how she dresses but how she speaks, how she interacts with the world, etc). I’m not attempting to force her to be like me but I am wondering if I should help her to think of the world differently now that she is a new child in Christ. I understand that she’s a baby in Christ, I can see it! I just yearn to help and I’m not sure how or even if I should.

As an aside she is not just my roommate she is also my cousin, so we are family.

Now, what would your advice be in this situation. Do I attempt to help her by pointing out things that may be inappropriate or do I remain quiet and just live the faith and hope she catches on? I just don’t think the quiet method will work, btw, because she honestly has no Christian values instilled in her at all.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Sounds a little like myself when I first converted.

We have to remember that salvation is a process, and everyone is walking the road at different speeds and some of us have been on the road longer than others. It’s wonderful that she took the first step and welcomed Jesus into her life. However, as all of us know, we all have a long way to go!

It may take a while for the Holy Spirit to refine her values to be more in line with His. The only thing you can do is to be there for her. Be as gentle as a dove! God doesn’t snap his fingers and automatically everything changes…well, okay SOMETIMES he does, but this seems to be the exception rather than the rule.

Pray for her constantly. Be there for her in everything and always be willing to offer advice when she asks. Ex: “What do you think of this outfit?” “Hm, not sure about the shirt, how about that one shirt you wore last week?” (one you know that may have a little bit higher neckline) and remember that love is what she needs!

 

[kozlosap]

You two sound closer than most cousins, more like sisters, so maybe it would be better if someone not related tries to counsel her on appropriate behavior. I know that I talked to my sister until I turned blue in the face and it did no good when we were in our teens and twenties! She was actually rebelling against my “expectations”. When you are roommates with someone, you can’t continually be the “parent” and expect your relationship not to flounder. Maybe you should ask one of the pastoral staff at your parish for help with this dilemma. Good Luck, and remember that you love your cousin and want what’s best for her!

 

[nickybr38]

Kozlo - We are like sisters. Our family is very close all around, we cousins are much closer then most true siblings are. And in fact in our relationship she kind of acts like the older sister most of the time so it’s an even trickier situation. I would approach the pastoral staff of our parish, except they’re all leaving in just two weeks (retiring and moving away). I’m not sure it’d be right to have new people come in and the first thing they hear from me is that my cousin is a new Christian and she has no concept of Christian values…

Whitacre_Girl - thank you! I’ve never been a ‘new Christian’, I was raised in a Christian home so all of these first Christian values I never had to learn, they were always with me. It’s very strange to see this kind of growth (for me anyway). I’m really new at being around new Christians. Haha. I still have lots to learn myself and she and I are definitely at very different stages. It’s kind of fun to see the very beginning though - although frustrating too because she still has that arrogance of youth (she’s older then me physically but you know what I mean here). She keeps insisting she doesn’t sin at all, which always makes me smile. I don’t challenge her on that but it’s kind of cute.

 

[Barbkw]

It sounds to me that your friend is young and would enjoy downloading the Reconciliation app:

itunes.apple.com/us/app/confession-a-roman-catholic/id416019676?mt=8

When I reverted, I had a heck of a time finding a guide for examination. I’ve looked many places, and this is one of the best examinations I’ve found online.

catholicparents.org/oxcart/Examination%20of%20Conscience.pdf

The Catechism of the Catholic Church goes into great detail on the Commandments.
A paperback copy is only $9. Excellent book, BTW.

 

[nickybr38]

It sounds to me that your friend is young and would enjoy downloading the Reconciliation app:

itunes.apple.com/us/app/confession-a-roman-catholic/id416019676?mt=8

When I reverted, I had a heck of a time finding a guide for examination. I’ve looked many places, and this is one of the best examinations I’ve found online.

catholicparents.org/oxcart/Examination%20of%20Conscience.pdf

The Catechism of the Catholic Church goes into great detail on the Commandments.
A paperback copy is only $9. Excellent book, BTW.

It’s kind of funny. A few weeks back I remember her telling me quite proudly that she doesn’t sin (at all). I kind of looked at her oddly and told her I sin every day in many ways but if she’s not sinning that’s great. I was thinking; Yeah right you don’t sin! But I didn’t say as much. Anyway, the following week her sponsor gave her an examination of conscience booklet and she came running to me after reading it with her eyes all huge and she says: “I DIDN’T KNOW THAT WAS A SIN! THAT MEANS I’VE BEEN SINNING!” The new problem NOW, when it comes to discussing sin (not basic Christian values but actions that are inherently sinful) is that she’s confused. Yesterday she was sharing with me what a horrible sinner she is because she had a bad thought and I had to explain to her the difference between having a thought and DWELLING on a thought.

We own a Catechism, she’s reading the simplified adult version that our RCIA leader provided us with. I guess I’m just being impatient on her behalf! Haha.

 

[FCEGM]

nicky, perhaps introducing her to some of the Saints through biographies or autobiographies would be a good way to guide her to virtue. I’m thinking in particular of St. Therese of Lisieux’s autobiography, Story of a Soul, and a biography of St. Gianna Molla, so your cousin can see the very Catholic lives of two very different Saints.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

It’s kind of funny. A few weeks back I remember her telling me quite proudly that she doesn’t sin (at all). I kind of looked at her oddly and told her I sin every day in many ways but if she’s not sinning that’s great. I was thinking; Yeah right you don’t sin! But I didn’t say as much. Anyway, the following week her sponsor gave her an examination of conscience booklet and she came running to me after reading it with her eyes all huge and she says: “I DIDN’T KNOW THAT WAS A SIN! THAT MEANS I’VE BEEN SINNING!” The new problem NOW, when it comes to discussing sin (not basic Christian values but actions that are inherently sinful) is that she’s confused. Yesterday she was sharing with me what a horrible sinner she is because she had a bad thought and I had to explain to her the difference between having a thought and DWELLING on a thought.

We own a Catechism, she’s reading the simplified adult version that our RCIA leader provided us with. I guess I’m just being impatient on her behalf! Haha.

I actually remember the day when that happened to me. I became a christian and I knew stealing, adultery, murder and so on were all sins. I didn’t know pre-marital sex, looking lustfully at men, immodest dress, watching inappropriate movies, and things like that were all sins too. I remember the day I found out - I was both outraged and terrified! I spent a LOOOOOOOONG time talking to my pastor about everything. We are still good friends to this day, and I am happy to report Christ caught me in time so I could wait for my hubby! lol

 

[Highwayhound]

Nicky,

“Preach the Gospel always and when necessary use words.”
This is what St. Francis of Assisi said. So the quiet approach does come highly recommended. You have been given some good advice and it seems you have some good ideas of your own.

I would ask you to think about what you do and how you behave when you are around her. For example I teach at my church. At the end of class I always close with a prayer. The prayer usually starts, “God please help my dear young friends…” Now it happened that one week I forgot to include the “dear young friends” part and one of the (at the start of the year) biggest trouble makers was the boy that pointed out to me my goof. The simple 1 minute prayers at the end of class have made an impact on him. Do the two of you pray together? Do you do other activities in which she and you can demostrate your christian faith? For example you might do something simple such as donate money every month to a charity, domestic or international. This would be a small step.

Another simple idea to help her along might be to watch a dvd on the faith. If you do this merely once a week then at the end of a year she will have developed a solid background in her faith. Holy Family Supply is the Catholic store where I live and it has a good variety of movies available for a donation. Best is if I am using the video for teaching they ask for no money at all.

So those are a couple of ideas. I hope they are of some use.

God bless

p.s. I am not sure what your inclinations are or how old you are, but you might consider checking out Wash For Life and organize one at your church. It is a fun simple event which will help young women.