Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

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IanAG

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I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and am really struggling to square my faith with this illness, particularly when it comes to sin.

On one hand, I accept that sin is sin, and that there are consequences to my sinning. Through daily prayer, the sacrament of the Mass and the sacrament of Reconciliation, I continue my walk with God by the grace of God and to the best of my ability.

But I have slipped because of my illness.

Psychologically I understand that my illness is inherited and also develops because of poor care in childhood. Key symptoms from which I suffer include dysregulation of emotions, which mean that I experience emotions very intensely, from the despair of deep depression to the high of ecstasy; and also that I have diminished impulse control.

Believe me when I say that living with this illness is like a living hell, but I do my best to live faithfully to God. I have been married for 25 years, have two children and four beautiful grandchildren for which I am so grateful.

So I’m wondering if this is the case do I have diminished culpability? It seems unreasonable that I should have the same level of culpability when I experience the temptation to sin so much more intensely than most people. My besetting sin has been viewing adult films on the internet, but fortunately God gave me a way out from this. Yet I still feel deep shame. I also attempted suicide when my depression turned to deep despair. I suffer the consequences of this in terms of physical illness on a daily basis, but also in spiritual terms as I feel I brought dishonour to the name of Jesus.

Any thoughts welcome.

Ian
 
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Mental illness is a very heavy cross to carry. I recommend that you unite yourself to Jesus in His agony in the garden. They say that this agony was the most difficult part of His entire passion that He suffered.
 
If you are no longer viewing the adult films, your besetting difficulty seems to be a difficulty forgiving yourself, which perhaps you are feeling very, very deeply. A good therapist may be able to help you let go & free yourself from the hamster-wheel of anxiety over the past.

As far as the adult films go, my understanding is that anytime a person is genuinely fighting against a habitual mortal sin their occasional falls along the way carry a diminished culpability. Perhaps a good priest could help you discern the extent of the diminishing in your particular case. None of us is qualified to help you tease that out online & I imagine it’d entail details it’d be better you not share in cyberspace.

As to your illness - you sound like a rockstar! 25 years of marriage, children & grandchildren is not something to shake a stick at! Nicely done! Many with less of an “excuse” have far less commitment to long-term interpersonal relationships. You sound like a good man. Do you have a kind therapist who can walk with you through the highs and lows you are experiencing? And perhaps your wife too?
 
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Thank you Jen for your reply and your understanding.

It helped me to remember that my illness causes all my emotions to be intense, and that involves guilt! I will speak to my spiritual companion and my priest about this.

I worked with a therapist for five years which has definitely helped, but unfortunately the gold standard treatment for BPD, known as dialectical behaviour therapy isn’t available locally and in any case I am pretty much housebound these days.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

Ian
 
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Jen,

Maybe I’m searching for reduced culpability because my feelings of guilt are so intense that I find them hard to bear. Just a thought.

Ian
 
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IanAG said:
Jen,

Maybe I’m searching for reduced culpability because my feelings of guilt are so intense that I find them hard to bear. Just a thought.

Ian
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Yes, that makes perfect sense. I commend you for having the integrity to look at this possibility. I wish I had a helpful or healing word for you. I have a child with similar struggles. One day the Good Shepherd will lead you both to verdant pastures and streams of water that refresh your good souls.
 
Jen,

I will hold you and your child in my prayers.

Ian
 
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Maybe find a confessor with a psychological background. Many priests have degrees in psychology. For example the late Father Benedict Groeschel had a PhD in psychology.

Maybe that would help you determine culpability.
 
I’m going to share my story, not to encourage anyone to think like me but to show you @IanAG I understand.

I have ADHD and Autistic though I didn’t know the latter most of my life.

I left the church because the people in it hurt me. I couldn’t rationalize being judged and verbally dismissed for my condition. In the end I turned from the priesthood; partly due to mental limitations but mostly due to peers jeering especially my mother.

I fell in love with a bright PSW lady who like you was bpd. Later as our relationship deepened we discovered she was bi polar.

She does things sometimes that I find very painful. I don’t excuse her actions but I understand them. If I have a long work week or spend to much time to myself her issues flare up stronger. While she physically can take care of her self her emotions are not unlike a flower. If she is without the sunlight of companionship she withers.

Often I spend more energy being available the working.

I can’t have too much alone time or go to events. She’s always worried I won’t come home. If I ignore the warning signs she is know to find comfort elsewhere.

Now things have gotten better, she’s taken meds to balance her mood and we’ve seen therapist.

She however often lapses into guilt over things she’s done in a manic state. Things I’ve long put behind us.

I know she is a good person. I’m listening to her snore away right now. I love her, she has so much to give other people. You don’t become a psw because you hate people. She’s taught me to love better and I regret nothing.

So I understand your struggle, I live it vicariously every day. I know there is a way for you and you are not alone.

Be at peace @IanAG all healing comes in time and with help.
 
Christ thirsts for us. What does he thirst for?
For us to come to him, as we are, and rest in his mercy. You cannot overcome culpability on your own. Christ came to love us, even while we are sinners. Cast your burden on him. Draw close to him.

This is the heart of the Gospel:
Christ comes to us, and asks us to trust him completely. Not waiting until we think we are holy, but coming back to him especially in our misery. His grace will begin to make us holy when we are unable. Christ delights in an open soul, admitting it’s misery, asking for his heart.
May I suggest the Diary of St Fausina “Divine Mercy in my Soul”.
 
IanAG said:
Maybe I’m searching for reduced culpability because my feelings of guilt are so intense that I find them hard to bear. Just a thought.
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Not to minimize the possibility of reduced culpability, which I think is certainly applicable, I wanted to explore another approach to feelings of guilt that are hard to bear.

@poche recommended “that you unite yourself to Jesus in His agony in the garden.” In a similar way, I think of uniting my sufferings to those of Jesus on the cross.

This is not just a mental trick. I have been reading lately the Gospel of John and thinking about the Eucharist and how it makes us one with Jesus. Pope Benedict XVI (Cardinal Ratzinger at the time) spoke and wrote a lot about this too. Jesus prayed that we would be one, he in us, and we in him. So in Holy Communion, we are truly joined to God (and to each other and the saints) through Jesus Christ.

Now, there is a small difference between suffering and guilt. You (and I) have both suffering and guilt. Jesus suffered but he had no guilt. When we have physical suffering, or mental suffering like anxiety, we can bring it to Jesus on the cross and offer it, as he did, as a loving sacrifice for the salvation of souls. That would be putting our suffering to good use.

I wonder, though, if Jesus accepts and actually bears some of our suffering. In this way, he may take our suffering upon himself, and make it easier for us to bear. I am reminded of this Scripture:
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.”
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Now returning to the matter of guilt. Jesus, though guilty of no sin, bears our guilt on the cross. I know that some people feel guilty about that too, thinking “My sins are making Jesus suffer even more!” However, I think the more humble and God-loving view is that Jesus bears our guilt with great love and willingness.

When we bring our guilt to Jesus, in Confession or in prayer, he doesn’t say, “Oh, it’s you again, and I see you’ve got another sin for me to carry.” He says “Come to me, you who are burdened, and I will give you rest.” Let us accept that gift of grace and peace.

I will pray for you.
 
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Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers. I found them very helpful.

I agree that offering up our sufferings to Jesus is not just a thought process, but a true way of binding ourselves to Jesus. It also gives meaning and purpose to the suffering.

I’m just about to begin a study if John so will bear your comments in mind.

Thanks again.
 
I doubt that anybody here will have the combination of expertise and familiarity with you to help you. I suggest you talk about this with your priest and psychologist/psychiatrist.
 
As Jesus said to the leaders “ it is from your lips , you call me king “.

Sorry to sound harsh and I will not judge. But you know the difference between right and wrong ?

Satan hides in waiting and knows everyone’s strength and weaknesses. I would say speak to a priest and he will guide you better.
 
Jen7 said:
If you are no longer viewing the adult films, your besetting difficulty seems to be a difficulty forgiving yourself, which perhaps you are feeling very, very deeply. A good therapist may be able to help you let go & free yourself from the hamster-wheel of anxiety over the past.
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I carried a heavy heart for a long time for the way I treated people I was supposed to have loved. I couldn’t forgive myself for cheating on them… No matter how many times the Church told me you had been forgiven.

Then one day during mass I looked up at the large crucifixion cross. The Lord clearly said to me, you have now been released from your chains of guilt and no longer allow yourself to be apart from the church.

In my case I truly believe their was a good reason why I went through years of unforgiving myself.

Since that day I feel totally grateful. All the pain left right at that moment.

I think unforgiving ones self is not a bad thing if we truly are sorry.
 
englands123 said:
Sorry to sound harsh and I will not judge. But you know the difference between right and wrong ?
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That’s a bit harsh. OP has already stated that he knows that his sin is sin. Mental illness is a cross that is so hard to carry and unless you’ve been there, you just can’t understand, so please try to show mercy.
 
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