Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

[englands123]

Anyone who knows the difference between right and wrong IS accountable for their own wrong doing.

I suffer mental illness and do stupid things i later regret but I knew what I was doing.

Millions of people suffer throughout the world and the Lord knows their heart not me. I to will be judged but I accept with full remorse my actions. Indeed I pray each day asking the lord for forgiveness and beg him to also remember the good things I have done when I am finally judged not just the bad in this life.

 

[IanAG]

Hi there,

I think I need to explain myself more clearly.

By the grace of God I do know the difference between right and wrong and when I am in a sound state of mind I am clearly aware of this and I’m able to make good choices.

But unfortunately my illness is one of emotional intensity, an intensity that the social sciences now now is caused by childhood abuse and neglect which results in an overactive amygdala. When I’m in an episode this affects my decision-making capacity because I tend to make decisions from my emotions and without the wisdom of my rational mind.

On top of that, the other symptoms of my illness such as chronic emptiness, and feelings of abandonment cause great psychic pain. I therefore have great temptation to find ways of soothing this pain. In the past I have used adult films and all that goes with that as a means of soothing the pain of emptiness. It is almost like an uncontrolled reaction. Of course I know this is wrong, and as I’ve grown in faith – I became a Christian aged 36 – I have carried even more guilt for the times when I fall into this trap. It always leads to guilt and shame it’s only compounded my already poor sense of value.

I’m in a good place at the moment. I sense God‘s presence in my life and stay close to him through prayer the sacraments and community, but I’m always aware that this temptation could assail me at any time. It’s easy for those of you who don’t live with this illness to pass judgement on me, but as the saying goes I’d like you to walk a mile in my shoes one day and see how you go.

 

[IanAG]

Thanks unique name for your kindness and understanding. It means a lot to me.

Ian

 

[englands123]

Ian perhaps you are beating yourself up to much.

There’s all types of trespassing against the Lord and our neighbours.

My local Priest who moved on gave me some sound advice.
When our trespasses effect and hurt others we are doing wrong.

If I am wrong please tell me.

If you have been to confession recently and been honest to yourself , then your sins have been already forgiven by the authority of Jesus on earth.

If you still find it difficult to forgive yourself then this could be like what I personally went through. True remorse and it will take much longer. But remember not all evil is bad. Some evil brings us back to God.

Your relationship with our Father may be going up another notch. So try not to be afraid my friend. The Holy Spirit runs through you.

 

[Annie]

If you have been to confession recently and been honest to yourself , then your sins have been already forgiven by the authority of Jesus on earth.

This!

However, f you have ever knowingly and deliberately left out a mortal sin in confession you should discuss that with your priest, as a bad confession causes everything thereafter to be void (you have to repeat the confessions) and you have to confess the sacrilege of bad confessions and receipts of communion as well.

 

[IanAG]

Hi Annie,

Thankfully I have never knowingly left anything out of my confession.

 

[Rozellelily]

Welcome to the forums @IanAG!

It seems like you have overcome a lot in your life.
I am glad to hear you are blessed with a lovely family

Mental illness is an illness no different than physical illness.
For example there is a genetic illness called Prader -willI syndrome where people feel an insatiable urge to keep eating.
Are they committing the sin of gluttony?Of course not and it would be pretty heartless for anyone to suggest they are.

Likewise some people with Dementia also feel an insatiable urge to overeat but it isn’t a sin because it isn’t from their will.

It is no different with mental illnesses and whatever urges/actions are done from the illness.
As if they don’t have it hard enough,but the extra hard thing for people with mental illnesses is that some of their symptoms can mimic things that would be sin in a “cognitively healthy person”.
So that can set up a loop of guilt,fear,worry or beating self up etc…

Like you know,there can be guilt that’s productive and leads to a change, or there can be a different kind of guilt or shame that’s actually a symptom of the illness itself.

 

[IanAG]

VThank you for your compassion and understanding @Rozellelily. It is rare, I think because people don’t want to condone what they see as sinful behaviour, which I understand.

Hyper sexuality is one of the symptoms of BPD which is tied in with poor impulse control and intensity of emotions and drives. People laugh about this, but trust me as a person of faith and with a deep love of Jesus it is no fun at all, but was a constant battle for me.

It is like asking someone with Tourette’s not to swear. It has given me a deep compassion for all those who because of medical problems find their impulses difficult to manage.

But I still accept that what I was doing was sinful. I have been very open with close friends, priest, and my wife who have been very compassionate with me. n the end we set a block on my iPad which prevented me from accessing sites, and this overcame the problem. I think in that sense I was avoiding the near occasion of sin as the catechism calls it.

God has blessed me in that since my suicide attempt and the brain injury it caused the urges have completely disappeared.

I think that with the recent advances in brain imaging and biochemistry we are understanding things far more than we did in the past. This is making these issues less black and white than we once thought.