Living with the inlaws, husband won't move out

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princess3186

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My husband and I got married in November, 2014. Before our marriage we always prayed together asking God for guidance. I grew up in a Christian home and he has been Catholic since he was little. I became Catholic last year.

I had to move 2,000 miles to his city, leaving behind my family, hometown, everything.
I terribly missed my family since we’ve always been close!

My husband and I lived in the house that he shares with his mother, and two brothers, ages 25 and 28.
The 28 year old has schizophrenia. The mother does not work since she “watches” the 28 year old. The 25 year old “works” from home supposedly.

I got married with the hopes of having a beautiful blessed family with my husband. I started looking for a job, (I have a college degree) but I had no luck finding one. My husband was working but he supports his family 100%, he pays the rent, food, bills, phones, gas, clothes and personal things so even though he knew I was struggling financially he never offered any help like a loan for my bills and all the savings I had were gone.

Living with his family was tough for me because I felt I wasn’t free to do whatever I wanted at their home, a male cousin of my husband was living there too. I had no privacy and my husband used to leave me alone in the room to take naps with his mother or brothers. When we had our problems he used to leave me talking alone while he went to another room.

I had a few problems with the 28 yr. old brother and felt unsafe in that house so I told my husband but he didn’t want to listen so I had to move out with no money, no job and I ended up coming back home.

We’ve been talking all this time and he wants me to go back BUT HE DOES NOT WANT TO MOVE OUT. I’ve been working here as a teacher and I tell him that I can go back but that I want us to leave together in our own place. He doesn’t want to because he says that he pays for everything for his family. I tell him that we will both pay rent, food and bills and he says that he can’t!

I don’t know what to do. He supports them but now he is married. I think that his mother can work from home and that his 25 year old brother should help him with all that he pays.
I don’t think it’s fair for my husband to have to pay for everything, he is now married and he should think about our future. I am okay with him helping his family, only that I don’t agree that he should give them everything. I can’t go back because he won’t move out, and I don’t want to live in that house because of his brother, I’m afraid.

Am I wrong here? He gets really mad at me when I tell him that his brother should help him pay, they also have a dad that has money but doesn’t help them (at least with the 28 yr old and my mother in law)!

I didn’t want to be nosy and get into my husband’s and my in-laws life financially but I’m desperate because I feel that my husband always puts them first, he doesn’t really care what I want or need.

I feel that we started bad and that we can save our marriage but that we should move out and start our own home. I want to feel safe and comfortable. It’s tough being away from my family and feeling lonely there, but I want to try to save my marriage.

What should I do? Is my husband doing the correct thing or just being selfish?
Thanks!
 
You do have a duty to preserve conjugal living, but that is unless a legitimate cause excuses you. Legitimate causes would include infidelity, danger to you, or doing something that “renders common life too difficult.” I would think that the latter might apply to you.

You wrote, “he knew I was struggling financially he never offered any help like a loan for my bills and all the savings I had were gone” and “I tell him that we will both pay rent, food and bills and he says that he can’t.”

You two ought to get this much straight: There is no more “my money” and “your money” or “his money” or “her money.” There is “our money.” That is all. Sure, if he inherits from someone who intends that the money be kept separate for him or for children that are his blood children, that can be a separate thing, because people can make a gift that they designate specifically for use by one spouse. Sometimes people who marry for a second time will agree to set aside previous assets as the inheritance for their children, because it was accrued with the help and understanding of the children’s other parent: again, this is not really their money to do with as they want in the first place, but given to them in trust by another party or earned together with a second party, for a specific agreed-upon use. Those are special cases, though, and not the norm! The norm is for spouses to have common assets, to earn for the common holdings and to spend according to a common understanding.

As for the money you earn and bring into the marriage as your personal possession, though, that is now yours in common. Start thinking about what you have and what he has in that way, then–you are one, and your stuff is in joint possession. Your earnings are joint earnings, your debts are joint debts, and what you give, you both give together. You have a joint future, and you are to forsake all, even family, each for the sake of the one life. Get him to think in this way. Then consider together how the two of you are willing to help his extended family. His filial concern for them is not out of place. It is the priority that is out of place and the way he is going about decision-making that is out of place. Ephesians 5 doesn’t just tell wives to submit to their husbands, after all. It tells husbands to sacrifice for their wives as completely as Christ sacrificed for the Church, specifically citing the passage: “For this reason a man shall leave (his) father and (his) mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Eph. 5:31, which is citing Genesis: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.” (Gen 2:24)
 
Hi princess,

Welcome to the forums.

I am so sorry for your struggles.

When two people marry, they become each other’s priority in life. They are now starting a new married life together as husband and wife. You should be your husband’s first priority in his life, and obviously, he is already yours, from what you are posting/saying.

Is there someone that you can talk to about this situation who can help you with it, like a parish priest or pastor? That is what I would do, if I were you, especially if you could get your husband to go along with you.

God bless you both.
 
Your husband seems unwilling to establish a marriage with you. As EasterJoy said, all assets should be conjugal assets. You should have joint accounts, establish a budget, and work together to maintain your household, there’s no longer a mine or yours. It’s time for your husband to leave his family and cleave to you.

I think feeling unsafe around the 28 yo brother could be considered a danger to self and give your grounds for not moving back into the house. Did your husband agree that his brother’s behaviors were concerning? Did he do anything to address what happened?

Is your husband asking to reconcile? I’d shift from telling him what his family should do - he feels like you’re attacking them so he launches to their defense and you both just get further entrenched in your positions. Instead, tell him under what conditions you will return, e.g. you will not live with his family, the two of you will take a joint financial class (I’m going to beat Xantippe to the punch here…) like Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. You will have joint accounts. You’ll both have a say in how money is handled and you’ll both agree on how much money is given to his family.

For the Dave Ramsey resources, you could do the online class together right now. You can start listening to Dave Ramsey online or through the iHeart radio app. www.daveramsey.com.

I have to ask, what kind of conversations did you two have about this prior to marriage? Did he tell you that you two would be living with his family and fully supporting everyone? What was your marriage prep like? What kind of conversations did you have about finances? Did you do any sample budgets or discuss how you’d be spending your money?

Keep communication with him open. Tell him you love him, you want your marriage to work, and, again, don’t tell him what anyone “needs” to do. Tell him, in a calm and assertive way, what has to be in place for you two to reconcile, don’t be whiny or emotional.
 
I am really sorry for your situation. I have two questions. How can he have any money left for you when he supports the household 100%? What did tell you about this situation before you were married? If he lied about all this then you may have grounds for an annulment.
I know I may be looking at this differently, but you have to admire his sense of duty to his family. He supports his mother and disabled brother and a few others too. He may not have been ready for marriage which could be more grounds for an annulment. I can’t see how any of this can change any time soon. You must have known him for a while if you became Catholic, I assume, to marry him. I don’t see how you could have expected everything to change suddenly because you are married. You may think others should be working, but they won’t. My suggestion is see a priest about an annulment and go home to your family.
 
I need to know a couple things:
  1. You mention that this occurred over 2000 miles. Was this an on-line relationship before you got married?
  2. How long did you date before you got married?
At this point, irregardless of the first questions, your husband needs to realize the possibility that he (and as EasterJoy notes also means you since you are married and have a contract with the state) is being taken advantage of.

There’s a real fine line here between being charitable and getting used.
 
What were his intentions for wanting to marry you?
The outcome sounds nothing like a marriage commitment existed or exists on his part.
It takes two to commit to make a genuine and valid marriage.
It doesn’t sound like a marriage to me.

Prayers for you.
 
It is very unfair for your husband to be in this situation, and puit you into it too- did he really think this is the enviornment for a happy marriage? The longer he stays, the more dependent they will be on him, without any recourse to help themselves. A priest can let him know what his duty to his extended family would consist of now that he is married. He may not know, and he may feel obligated to do this, or feel like he’s sinning to move out. (He would not be).

Perhaps you and your husband can more out gradually, first to a nearby place, and then futher away? Like a one year plan. Also if he is using marital funds to support them, you would have the right to ask about finanaces as his wife.

Also if the brother is that disabled that his mother has to take care of him, he should apply for disability. And look to the future too-who takes care of the brother when mil passes away?
He may become your permanent responsibilty, if this is not addressed.
 
You need to insist that he move out. He is married to you, not his family and maybe it is time he figured that out.
The brother with mental illness can get disability. The others should be working and helping with mom if they are living at home. Time for everyone to grow up, including your husband. This is an issue that should have been discussed and taken care of prior to your getting married.

I would leave and tell him, make your choice.
 
What did you know about his living and financial commitments before you married him?

If you did know, did you tell you any of that would change upon marrying? or did you assume it would?

I don’t think it is fair or realistic to expect or demand that these things change upon marriage if you entered the situation with knowledge of the set up and he did not agree before hand that things would change.

Even if you think you have the right to demand such.

If all these things suddenly occurred post marriage and he entered these commitments without the both of you agreeing to it, that would be a different matter.

If he married you without the intention of putting the marriage as his first priority, I think that the marriage is probably invalid as it was not entered with true understanding or intent.

What you think or wish his family member would or should do really has no bearing on any of this.

I am not saying that because I am not sympathetic, but because I think it is important to focus on the real issues. The success or validity of a marriage cannot and should not ever depend on what others do.
 
Hello everyone, sorry it took long to reply.Thanks for all your answers.

My husband and I are still in the same situation and I seriously don’t know what to do.

I graduated from the same high school as his brother 10 years ago. 2.5 years ago my now husband contacted me and we become very good friends talking every day all the time. Later we decided to move on to the next step and met in person. We always prayed about it and it seemed right… after spending some months together and being in love we got engaged and 6 months later we go married. We were in a relationship for 15 months before our wedding and he came to my city first, later I went to his city and I used to travel to see him since he couldn’t come. Everything seemed right… I knew we would live in that house for a couple of months maybe but I never imagined that he would act the way he did around his family and how his brother was. His family was weird around me sometimes, like when they all used to go into one room for hours to talk and I was left alone feeling lonely.

About the money, I knew my husband helped them but from a company he has or had with his 25 yr. old brother. I knew that they supported the family from that money, but as soon as my husband got his own job he used to get home and gave his paycheck to his brother. He even gave his brother our wedding gifts… I think it was 1,500 dollars that we got from the envelopes we received! So when I told my husband that I wanted us to move out and have our own place he used to tell me that he didn’t have enough money since he had to support his family.

Since I’ve been back home, away from him, he changed jobs and now earns twice what he used to earn at his old job and he still tells me the old story, that he doesn’t have enough money because he has to pay rent and everything. This week he is starting a new job where he will earn 25% more than he was just earning and will be working less so that it good for him, but he still says the same, that he has to pay for everything.

Today we argued about that, I told him that he has to share the financial responsibility with his brother, that he can’t do it alone because that is the reason why he always says that he can’t move out. He yells at me and I always tell him that I want us to be together but that we need to live alone, that I want privacy and to feel comfortable at our own place, and feel safe!!! He knows that as soon as I start working that we would split costs 50/50.

We have other problems too, like him calling his ex (he says it’s not his ex because it was never a relationship, just sex) with whom he had a child (he told me at first that he didn’t believe it was his and made me believe that he didn’t care or love him, I told him that he had to support him if it was his) , and now he says that he wants to bring that child to the US. He knows I don’t agree with that because he lied to me and because I believe that the child has to be with his mom, and he made me believe that the story about the 8 yr old child was just a rumor. Now he calls the woman and lies to me about it.

I can’t trust in him anymore. I feel so confused. I wanted my marriage to last forever but he yells at me, insults me when I just tell him the reality of things and he doesn’t do anything to be with me, he might move out because of his new job since it’s and hour away from where he lives but he said he might rent a place with his coworkers. That was our argument today.
 
You need to speak to a priest. Please go to your local parish and make an appointment.
 
From your most recent post it sounds like your husband is a user. Frankly, and because I have witnessed this happen to others more than once, he probably has more than one “ex” out there with a kid. I hate to say it, but everything he tells you sounds pretty fishy.

I guess your next step should be to see a priest and frankly ask about an annulment. It seems very clear to me that your husband never intended to be independent of his family, is more than likely a chronic cheater and will never change. I would not waste any more time on him.
 
The think what would trouble me most here is that you felt unsafe in the presence of your brother in law and that your husband would leave you in this situation even though you expressed your concerns to him. Also the fact that he continually takes his family’s side over you. You should always come first. Did he understand the true obligations of marriage and what it meant when he took his vows? Did you discuss the living arrangements and what was expected before marriage? If he wasn’t honest with you there may be a case for annulment. Is there a compromise that could be reached. Like maybe you purchase a 2 family residense to his mother and ill brother can be close and you still have your privacy. The brothers in their 20s who are leaching off of him need to go. I can understand him wanting to provide for him mother and mentally ill brother though. Prayers.
 
You need to speak with a priest. I’d suggest, the one that married you.
 
Luvz2travel said:
The think what would trouble me most here is that you felt unsafe in the presence of your brother in law and that your husband would leave you in this situation even though you expressed your concerns to him. Also the fact that he continually takes his family’s side over you. You should always come first. **Did he understand the true obligations of marriage and what it meant when he took his vows? ** Did you discuss the living arrangements and what was expected before marriage? If he wasn’t honest with you there may be a case for annulment. Is there a compromise that could be reached. Like maybe you purchase a 2 family residense to his mother and ill brother can be close and you still have your privacy. The brothers in their 20s who are leaching off of him need to go. I can understand him wanting to provide for him mother and mentally ill brother though. Prayers.
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I think his giving the wedding gifts to his family speaks volumes about his understanding of the true nature of marriage. Get to a priest immediately. He’ll tell you if you have grounds for an annulment. My surface understanding of your situation tells me it’s a very strong possibility. If I were in your shoes and the priest said I had grounds for an annulment, I wouldn’t waste one more minute on this. I’d pursue the annulment through the church, and, if there was fraud or deception, I’d pursue a civil one too.
 
I don’t see what is so confusing. Nothing described here sounds like a marriage or that a marital bond was ever established. I see some serious evidence that this man is either totally unwilling or totally incapable of marriage. If it were me, I’d file for civil divorce and then annulment.

Let his freaky family and his babymama have him.
 
NFPWife said:
I think his giving the wedding gifts to his family speaks volumes about his understanding of the true nature of marriage. Get to a priest immediately. He’ll tell you if you have grounds for an annulment. My surface understanding of your situation tells me it’s a very strong possibility. If I were in your shoes and the priest said I had grounds for an annulment, I wouldn’t waste one more minute on this. I’d pursue the annulment through the church, and, if there was fraud or deception, I’d pursue a civil one too.
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NFPWife, are you outside the U.S.? If I read your post right, you suggested a Church annulment be sought and then a civil annulment/divorce? I’ve heard in some countries it’s done differently, so I’m curious. Here in the U.S., one must have a final civil divorce decree before applying for annulment.
 
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