Locked husband out!

[Lexee15]

Hi all, it’s me again . I want to run this past all of you, I don’t know if I did the right, Catholic, charitable thing or not. My mom, sister and nephew came out to spend Christmas with my family, me, husband and baby from California because my husband decided he wasn’t going to California for Christmas. They arrived on Christmas day after a terrible trip…delayed & missed flights lost luggage, etc. all of this while traveling with a 2 year old. Needless to say my husband was distant, cold and invited his friends over to listen to music upstairs. My family was here on the 25th and left on the 27th, during that time my husband took off to the casino all night, went to help a friend paint the whole two other days…how rude is that? He’s just a jerk considering my family has been nothing but nice to him even knowing all he’s been up to and has put me through. They treat him with dignity and respect even if he doesn’t deserve it.

Anyway, he decided that we would go to California after all and spend new years with our families. We were supposed to leave on the 27th with my family…last minute he decided he wasn’t going. I asked why and he said he just didn’t want to go and for me not to insist, I told him he was an insensitive jerk, I also said he was an a******, I was really irritated with him, it’s hard traveling with a baby. So I asked him where he was going to stay, he said at the house and I said no. He asked why and I told him he knew why. I reminded him that the last time I was in California with my family he brought his whores into my house and kept them there…it wasn’t going to happen again. I haven’t given him a key to our new house since we purchased it, he doesn’t insist because he knows what he did at our other home. So I told him he needed to figure out where to stay while I was gone. He didn’t even come to the house before we left to the airport!!! I locked all doors…he called and left a message about how he was going to get in and so forth. I haven’t talked to him since he said he wasn’t going.

Was this wrong of me? I don’t trust that he won’t bring his whores into my family’s house while I’m gone…he doesn’t respect anything. He has no respect for me or our home, even if it’s not really a home, it’s still where my son and I live, the thought of some other women in there invading my children’s space just drives me crazy!!! I know there is nothing left to save as far as the marriage goes, and my attitude is his fault, had he respected our other home this wouldn’t be my behavior. The problem is that he may be a jerk but I’m not and there are moments that I do feel bad, I hate being a jerk, but I just don’t trust him, I wouldn’t doubt that while I’m gone he’d go in and move stuff out…there are just a million things that run through my head. What do you all think?

 

[Karin]

Lexee15:

. I haven’t given him a key to our new house since we purchased it,

**If you both own the house he has every legal right to enter it and stay there even when you are not there! **

 

[Della]

So with all this, tell us again why you aren’t seeking a civil divorce and an annulment from the Church?

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Della:

So with all this, tell us again why you aren’t seeking a civil divorce and an annulment from the Church?

My question, too.

All he needs if he really wants to get into the house is a locksmith and some proof he lives there. He could conceivably change the locks on you.

 

[LSK]

I know, Lexee, that you have been through a lot. And you know, darlin’, that we have been through this with you. We are not abandoning you, but I have to let you know something…in AA, we tell newcomers all the time that after awhile listening to the same drama over and over again gets really boring. Either do something to change it or don’t. No decision is a decision. Not taking a specific action is a decision. You are making decisions all over the place and pretty soon, what it starts to look like is an intense desire to stay in the situation because you love the drama and excitement and fear the peace that being out of the situation could give you.

This is either done or it’s not. Which is it? You keep acting surprised and hurt that he acts the way he has always acted - he shows no desire to change, shows no love for you or his children and could care less about himself. Have a wonderful visit with your family and be done with him.

 

[spiritblows]

Della:

So with all this, tell us again why you aren’t seeking a civil divorce and an annulment from the Church?

Della, you need to start a Catholic advise column. I will send you fan mail. I ditto your remark!

This man sounds utterly immature and I don’t blame the OP for getting upset. How awful!

 

[Toni]

Looks like you have your hands full. After whores the first time I would have been through. Have you had yourself tested for STD’S?

Pregnant or not no family deserves to be treated like this.

See a priest and get some counseling for your self esteem before you return home.

I am sure you could get a divorce and an annulment ask your family for help while you are home.

Raising children in this situation is very unhealthy for all of you.

 

[Lexee15]

Actually, the process is under way…after the first of the year everything will start…or end. The reason I posted was not because I’m surprised at what he does…I’m not even hurt, I’m irritated…the reason being that had I treated his family remotely the way did mine I wouldn’t have heard the end of it!!! Also, because as I posted I’m not a jerk and I do feel bad to have left him out…and wondering if I was in the right for doing it, if I am wrong I was going to fed ex him a key, I don’t like being cruel, I just feel at times I have to in order to protect myself and my home. I don’t have an intention of continuing with this, it just seems that, and according to the attorney I spoke with it was better to wait until the first of the year. Thanks for all your responses.

 

[LSK]

Lexee15:

Actually, the process is under way…after the first of the year everything will start…or end. The reason I posted was not because I’m surprised at what he does…I’m not even hurt, I’m irritated…the reason being that had I treated his family remotely the way did mine I wouldn’t have heard the end of it!!! Also, because as I posted I’m not a jerk and I do feel bad to have left him out…and wondering if I was in the right for doing it, if I am wrong I was going to fed ex him a key, I don’t like being cruel, I just feel at times I have to in order to protect myself and my home. I don’t have an intention of continuing with this, it just seems that, and according to the attorney I spoke with it was better to wait until the first of the year. Thanks for all your responses.

I don’t think you are cruel…I think you are tired and fed up and human…so, sure…I understand. Maybe, if you had really taken the high road you wouldn’t have lost your temper and you would have just left without any argument at all. The truly Catholic Christian thing to do would be to apologize for your part and send him the key and let it go…can you do that without being hurt?

 

[Toni]

I do not think that you are being cruel in any way. You are far more charitable than I would have been under the circumstances.Sorry I missed the question out of concern for the other mentioned points.

 

[Della]

Lexee15:

Actually, the process is under way…after the first of the year everything will start…or end. The reason I posted was not because I’m surprised at what he does…I’m not even hurt, I’m irritated…the reason being that had I treated his family remotely the way did mine I wouldn’t have heard the end of it!!! Also, because as I posted I’m not a jerk and I do feel bad to have left him out…and wondering if I was in the right for doing it, if I am wrong I was going to fed ex him a key, I don’t like being cruel, I just feel at times I have to in order to protect myself and my home. I don’t have an intention of continuing with this, it just seems that, and according to the attorney I spoke with it was better to wait until the first of the year. Thanks for all your responses.

Let this sorry excuse for a man get his own key. He’s the one who ought to be apologizing to you not vice versa.

 

[LSK]

Della:

Let this sorry excuse for a man get his own key. He’s the one who ought to be apologizing to you not vice versa.

I know exactly what Della means!

BUT…

and this is just my opinion…I’m not a priest and not a theologian…

you asked about YOUR part…and said you did not want to be cruel and wanted to walk the path of Christ.

My priest always reminds me of the teachings of the Church and of Scripture…forgiveness…not to be a doormat, but to forgive…and that if I lose MY temper, that is what I am apologizing for…not for the actions of the other person…

BUT…Lexee, you have been through an awful lot with this bum…uh, man…I would ask your spiritual advisor and see if you really need to do anything at all…you are examining your conscience, but be careful that you are not suffering an attack of scruples!

 

[Mom_of_5]

It is hard to make that final step of separating yourself and your children from the source of hurt and abuse. Abuse comes in many forms. I know first hand, been there, done that!! The sooner you get out of the siutation and give your children a good, calm, peaceful environment, the better off you will be. Talk is cheap, actions are difficult. You must make the decision and act on it. Live the way you are and not talk about it any more and make the best of a bad situation, leave or have him leave. The church does allow divorce (civil) and you can recieve the sacraments. You just cannot re-marry without an annulment and recieve the sacraments. At this point in your life it would seem that raising your children should be #1 in your life.

Love and peace

Mom of 5

 

[kamz]

LSK:

I know, Lexee, that you have been through a lot. And you know, darlin’, that we have been through this with you. We are not abandoning you, but I have to let you know something…in AA, we tell newcomers all the time that after awhile listening to the same drama over and over again gets really boring. Either do something to change it or don’t. No decision is a decision. Not taking a specific action is a decision. You are making decisions all over the place and pretty soon, what it starts to look like is an intense desire to stay in the situation because you love the drama and excitement and fear the peace that being out of the situation could give you.

This is either done or it’s not. Which is it? You keep acting surprised and hurt that he acts the way he has always acted - he shows no desire to change, shows no love for you or his children and could care less about himself. Have a wonderful visit with your family and be done with him.

oh wow, you are good!!! Some people like drama or maybe don’t even realize they like it. I feel awful for the op of this thread but my gosh, you are a child of the Lord and you have done all you can, so don’t try to be a saint, your kids need you and quit feeling anything but pity for your husband, pray for him but get out of this situation, every minute that you stay you are putting your children in danger, he is not worthy of anything right now, his parents can pick up the pieces if they choose to, your done, so quit feeling bad for him and start thinking of your kids, each time you start to feel bad for him, look at your child and your growing tummy and say “NO”
We know your not a jerk and deep down you know this also but if you don’t stand up for yourself and kinda act like a jerk “even if your only faking it” he will finally get the point that you are done with this… if you keep being mean then nice etc. etc. he is only going to take advantage of this, stop feeling bad and start doing something, what good is it feeling bad?? You did all you could and God knows because he is with you every minute you are going through it, now, get strong in the Lord and kick that man out of your life for good!!!

 

[Cupofkindness]

If I knew that my husband might bring prostitutes and other scummy deadbeats into my home, I’d lock it too. Lexee did the right thing, because this man is crazy.

 

[FrankR]

My prayers are with you, it appears that you have some serious choices to make, and soon for the sake of the children.

If everything you have stated is true, then he is a real lout.

Were you right to lock him out though? Probably not. If he has had a history of adultry I am guessing the adultry will occur anyway. It might even bring him closer to a near occasion of sin if he is forced to seek shelter at some other womans home.

My wife of 16 years cheated on me through our marriage. I told myself that if I ever got proof, I would divorce her. I brought her to counseling with our priest and he confided to me that I should do what ever I needed to do, because a leopard does not change his spots.

As soon as possible get into counseling with him. Confront him with everything, and ask him if it is going to change. If you and the counselor do not believe his answers, then you probably need to look into a seperation. I would look for a lawyer while your at it.

I pray for you though, I hope that something good can come of this.

 

[Tonks40]

Lexee -
I totally understand your situation. I’m currently going through something with my 16-year-old, where I had to kick him out of the house earlier this month because I couldn’t trust his behavior around our family, especially his younger brothers, when he comes home high and/or drunk. Granted, a 16-year-old is far different from a grown, married man, but like another poster said, you had to do what you can to protect your family and bring peace to your household.

I also struggled (still do) with whether I did the right thing or not - I’ve given my son many chances to correct himself, tried to guide him, but he continued to lie, to use the substances, to manipulate us. I continue to pray to God every day to help him not only when he’s out there, but to help him see where he’s going wrong - I left it all up to God’s hands. After talking to my priest on many occassions about this, he made me realize that sometimes I have to do what I feel is best in order to have peace at home. Because he is my son, I realize that I will have to take him back eventually, but I have to see some real progress with him in order to keep him until his 18th birthday. We’ll see what happens on the 2nd of January.

You’re in my prayers, Lexee, and God Bless.

 

[LSK]

Cupofkindness:

If I knew that my husband might bring prostitutes and other scummy deadbeats into my home, I’d lock it too. Lexee did the right thing, because this man is crazy.

ain’t that the truth…this guy tests the LIMITS of Catholic Christian charity…Lexee, pray for guidance baby…I know I am torn between jumping on a plane and helping you pummel him with the cardboard insides of christmas wrapping paper tubes and reminding you that we must hold ourselves to a higher standard of behavior and spiritual development.

Quite frankly, I am trying to figure out how all the ladies on the forum can meet in front of her house, pray the Rosary AND beat the living daylights out of him at the same time…:ehh:

 

[Lexee15]

LSK:

ain’t that the truth…this guy tests the LIMITS of Catholic Christian charity…Lexee, pray for guidance baby…I know I am torn between jumping on a plane and helping you pummel him with the cardboard insides of christmas wrapping paper tubes and reminding you that we must hold ourselves to a higher standard of behavior and spiritual development.

Quite frankly, I am trying to figure out how all the ladies on the forum can meet in front of her house, pray the Rosary AND beat the living daylights out of him at the same time…:ehh:

Thanks LSK I needed a good laugh. You know I often have dreams that I am kicking the s*** out of him :bigyikes: I wake up feeling bad sometimes…I don’t like having so much anger at someone that I dream about beating them. Must be a way for the brain to release tension, better there than real huh?

This whole situation is very difficult, I honestly didn’t know how to deal with it. After knowing he brought his girlfriends into my home, my child’s home and had no remorse, not one ounce of respect why should I think things will be different now? This is a bed he made and now must lie in it, I don’t know why he should expect my behavior to be any different. I forgave him, that’s all I can do, I’m trying to be decent and civil with him, but this is too much. I can’t risk him bringing his girlfriends to my children’s home just because he feels like doing it…he didn’t respect the sanctity of our home before…why should he start now, his behavior hasn’t changed why would the respect?

 

[Island_Oak]

Lexee:

I know you’re in a bit of a holding pattern through the holidays due to legal advice…but the emotions you are investing in this relationship are something you can start working on now.

IF you KNOW your marital relationship with this man who has made a complete mockery his commitment to you is at an end…then start withdrawing and protecting your emotions even if legally you are still married and may share the same space/home. Be civil, but brief and reserved in your interactions with him. Do not open yourself up to further abuse by interacting with him any more than you absolutely have to. Avoid retaliation, fights, arguments, confrontations. They will accomplish nothing at this point. Your marriage has been destroyed by his selfish pursuit of his own purient desires, and he doesn’t care. Don’t pour out and waste your precious emotional energy fighting a losing battle.

Don’t think I don’t realize this will be very difficult. This man has fractured your heart and trampled your every hope for marital happiness in a most vile and cruel way. The sooner you are done with him the better. He truly sounds like one of the most selfish, sadistic people I have ever heard of. You and your children will be infinitely better off without him.

p.s. I really am sorry you had such a miserable Christmas.