I’ve been sooooo trying to do this, I’ve been doing okay…when he doesn’t come home there are no fights, no quesitons, nothing. I act like it’s just another day or night, I try to live my life as if I were a single mother already. I hate it because I know I’m not, because he should share in the responsibility of the marriage and children. When I go to mass with my baby I feel embarrased, I see couples with their children all around me, I feel out of place like I’m marked somehow, like everyone who sees me knows…I don’t know what I think they know…but they know. It’s wierd, maybe someone else knows what I’m talking about. I will continue to try and not let his behavior affect me and not engage in anything with him…thanks.
Well I know that the adultery has continued which is why I know this has to end, the only thing I was trying to do is not have the adultery go on in my home like it had before. I can’t stop him from doing anything, I can, however keep it from happening in my house. As far as the counseling goes…he was not interested, he refused all available help…he doesn’t think he needs it. He does need it, badly and not just marital…but personal, he is really screwed up, but if he doesn’t see it it doesn’t matter if everyone around him does, we can’t do counseling for him. I do believe your priest was correct…a leapord doesn’t change it’s spots, thanks for your words.
Yes. Living in a situation where you fully expect your husband to cheat on you in your own home if you leave town is not a viable option. Either be married, meaning get past what’s in the past and give the man keys to all you have and an actual chance to make amends, or put the past in the past, meaning recognize that you’re not in a marriage and probably never have been and get started on a legal separation with the expectation that that may well be followed by a civil divorce and annulment.Sounds like you need to make a decision if you are going to honor the marriage convenant you made with your husband. And whatever decision you make it also involves a child. My suggestion is two fold…go to God with prayer…and then go to talk to someone beginning with your priest…family ministries office etc.for counseling, and not just divorce counseling. Since he isn’t ready for counseling personally, go alone but definitely go
Here’s a link which will direct you to several others worth exploring. With all things, pray on it. Your marriage is waving all kinds of red flags that need your attention, pronto. But with all hard things, it takes one step. Hopefully, it’s forward!
I forgave him and have given him the chance to make ammends, to repent and try to live a familial life, which is why I haven’t asked him to leave. As with most married women who have children I have wanted more than anything for things to change, for him to want to change and be a better man, which I know he is capable of being. His ghosts won’t allow him to and I have to cut my losses, which is why I’ve made my decision to move on with my life without him in it. I truely don’t believe I was ever in a real marriage, his addictions have a real hold on him and considering we weren’t even married a year when he started cheating I don’t think he ever had a real intention to carry on the life of a married man. I have finally come to terms with that, as much as it hurts and it hurts more because I had every intention to be married until death.
I do have some support and I have been going to a Catholic Charities counselor since I found about his affairs. I have recently contacted someone for some spiritual direction…I will also continue to look for a SD if this one isn’t a fit for me. Other than that I am alone, I don’t have any family near me and only have a couple of friends that I’ve made here. It’s a hard situation.
Moving out is not an option for me, it’s easier for him to leave the house. Considering that he spends days and nights away from the house I would assume that he has a place to stay…he has money and plenty of friends to help him out if he needs it. I don’t expect anymore of the marriage, I don’t expect him to be a husband or a father…he doesn’t do any of those things now…I’m sure he won’t do them afterwards.
I also don’t have an option of going to stay with family, all my family lives in California and so do my friends. The friends I’ve made here are great, but I don’t feel comfortable intruding on them. I have a home, a home that I have respected so I don’t see why I should leave it until I have to legally. And yes, this is very stressful on a pregnancy. With my last pregnancy he was acting like such a jerk…of course I didn’t know then that he has girlfriends, but he did. I took it so hard, my first pregnancy and I had no support from the person who should have been as excited as I was, if anything he was a total a******. I ended up in the hospital for three days at 28 weeks pregnant, it took about 15 bags of IV fluid and 3 bags of potassium to rehydrate me and assure that I wouldn’t suffer heart failure. He came to see me once in that whole time…he only dropped me off at the hospital emergency room a 4am and took off to work…what a gentleman huh? I swore that I would NEVER let anyone affect my health or the health of my child again, I could have lost my child or my own life…that’s what the doctors said. By the grace of God I came through okay and had an uneventful pregnancy after that. I will not let his behavior affect my health or the health of this next child…he can come and go as he pleases…when he doesn’t come home it doesn’t bother me anymore, I don’t lose any sleep, if anything I sleep better because I know he isn’t around. Sad, but we have to do what we have to do to survive.
What I have found is that with my Faith, I thrive, not just survive. It may take a lot of talking to the Priest, praying before the Blessed Sacrament, and going to Mass as frequently as possible, but you and yours can do it with the Lord’s help. Remember, HE came to help the sinners, not the righteous. The Lord will reach down and pull you out of the muck and mire and put a new song on your lips. Grab hold of the graces that surround you and be greatful!!The Lord has chosen you to carry a BEAUTIFUL BABY, and to raise your children to be children of God. How blessed we are. Your new motto “THRIVE, NOT JUST SURVIVE”
I would like to move to California, but since moving to Illinois I’ve realized how Catholic it is and I love it. California is far from being a Catholic state and much less a traditional Catholic state. Churches are very liberal, there aren’t many, the schools are very expensive and so on. My family is actually considering moving to Illinois to be near me and my children. I also feel very uncomfortable going back to California and having to answer a million questions about my divorce and so on, I’d rather not have to go through that. And as far as the marriage prep program…we did, we had to, but it left much to be desired. I don’t think my husband ever really understood the committment of marriage, oh well, not much that can be done now.