Loneliness, SSA

[ssa_fellow]

Thankypu for the reply, ssa fellow.



These feelings you mention are all very familiar to prn addicts, whether they be gay or hetero.

It is possible to stop using porn. It’s very hard, but it’s worth it.

From what I’ve read of your two posts, I keep seeing porn as the real problem. That’s why you are lonely and unmotivated, IMHO. I was like that most of my life. Despite my various interests and activities, and counselling, it only progressed.

Of course, with most addictions, including alcoholism, there are other issues. But in the end the addiction itself becomes the real problem, and the only way out is a 12 step group. Most of us in Sexaholics Anonymous report that our problem was critical by our teens and twenties, and wish that we’d got into the program then and saved ourselves decades of misery.

I keep seeing advice on porn in CAF, yet few, if any, claiming that their advice has worked for them to the extent that they have achieved complete freedom from sexual sins for any extended period. Yet in Sexaholics Anonymous I am now two years without sex in any form, and feel better than at any time in my life., I know that if I keep with it then it will become 5 years, 10 years, 20. I have completely lost the obsession and go from day to day, and week to week, without even thinking about it.

It was hard at the start, but now it is a way of life.

From The Solution

Please, go to a meeting. You will immediately find people you identify with, new friends, and something very positive to do with your time.

Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this a lot since I read it. I’m not sure that its true. But, it could be. Idk… I wish I knew why I was depressed.

… I mean, this evening, after I got home from work, I was pretty depressed. And, I haven’t fallen to porn today. So… I mean… I could’ve fallen this morning, or I could’ve in the past 3 hours or so since I’ve been home… but I haven’t, thankfully.

But, I’ve still been depressed. That’s why I think I’m depressed bc I’m lonely. And moreover, that’s why I talk to my counselor about my same-sex attractions. Because… I have no reason I won’t be similarly lonely many years from now.

---

Idk… to what extent, do straight people function, because they have a reasonable hope that they will have a relationship in their future? I mean… isn’t that a driving part of human behavior: the desire to have a relationship? Would those ppl be terribly depressed, and their lives considerably (more like mine) more chaotic/ in disarray, if they were certain they would not have a relationship in their futures?

Anyone can feel free to take a stab at that one. I suppose its hypothetical, and unanswerable. But… this question makes it very hard for me to relate to the struggles of anyone.

I watched that movie about Stephen Hawking. He had ALS? Well… he still managed to have children, and had a loving relationship with 2 women. So… not really much of an inspiration. I mean… its just another example that I cannot relate to.

 

[casslean]

Idk… to what extent, do straight people function, because they have a reasonable hope that they will have a relationship in their future? I mean… isn’t that a driving part of human behavior: the desire to have a relationship? Would those ppl be terribly depressed, and their lives considerably (more like mine) more chaotic/ in disarray, if they were certain they would not have a relationship in their futures?

I can’t speak for all heterosexual people out there, but as a celibate 31 year old who has never had a relationship and does not have any prospects on the horizon, I can tell you that the chance that I might have one is not what keeps me going. What keeps me going is everything else that I have passion for in my life. I have a career that I worked very hard for and that I enjoy immensely. I have discovered a passion for my faith which is all-encompassing right now. I have interests and hobbies which fill my life.

Quite simply, my life is not one unending quest to find a partner, and I think it would be quite empty and meaningless if it were. My life’s journey to discover who I am - and I am not simply one-half of some uncompleted whole. I am a whole person, for whom God has a purpose, and I can spend every day in the fullness of trying to learn and live out that purpose.

If I find a partner along the way, if that’s God’s plan for me, then that’s great. But if it’s not, then that’s okay too. Accepting God’s will means He knows what I need and He will provide it.

 

[Edmundus1581]

Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this a lot since I read it. I’m not sure that its true. But, it could be. Idk… I wish I knew why I was depressed.

… I mean, this evening, after I got home from work, I was pretty depressed. And, I haven’t fallen to porn today. So… I mean… I could’ve fallen this morning, or I could’ve in the past 3 hours or so since I’ve been home… but I haven’t, thankfully.

But, I’ve still been depressed. That’s why I think I’m depressed bc I’m lonely. And moreover, that’s why I talk to my counselor about my same-sex attractions. Because… I have no reason I won’t be similarly lonely many years from now.

Thanks for thinking about it, and well done holding out on the porn!

I struggled with it all my life. I had better weeks and worse weeks. It was (almost) never every day. I particularly recall my twenties. Back then it was a magazine less than once a month. However the fantasies and masturbation were more frequent. (I resisted those too).

I would be what AA describes as a “periodical”. One who slips not all the time, but slips just as certainly, and is just as much an alcoholic.

At the time I was only aware of the immediate “down” after porn or masturbation. Now that I have not had sex in any form for more than two years, my whole life is changing. I can see that the isolation, loneliness and depression was actually due to the sex addiction - regardless of how frequently I indulged it.

Again, thanks for reading and thinking, and please go to a meeting of Sexaholics Anonymous!

---

Idk… to what extent, do straight people function, because they have a reasonable hope that they will have a relationship in their future? I mean… isn’t that a driving part of human behavior: the desire to have a relationship? Would those ppl be terribly depressed, and their lives considerably (more like mine) more chaotic/ in disarray, if they were certain they would not have a relationship in their futures?

Anyone can feel free to take a stab at that one. I suppose its hypothetical, and unanswerable. But… this question makes it very hard for me to relate to the struggles of anyone.

I watched that movie about Stephen Hawking. He had ALS? Well… he still managed to have children, and had a loving relationship with 2 women. So… not really much of an inspiration. I mean… its just another example that I cannot relate to.

Straight people can’t assume that they will ever have a life partner. We have to deal with that too. We also have problems with heartache, loneliness and unrequited love.

Straight people are also just as much inclined to have wrong relationships, and wrong sexual behaviour, which causes loneliness and confusion.

In Sexaholics Anonymous the experience of straight and gay people, and of men and women, are remarkably similar. The sexual behaviour is just the tip of the iceberg. And our experience of recovery is similar.

Just for the record, gay men do seem to hit “rock bottom” earlier than straight men. Which can be to their advantage. I wish I’d hit “rock bottom” in my twenties - my whole life would be a different story. And, while we’re on it, women seem to find it much harder to admit addiction, and just as hard to stop.

their lives considerably (more like mine) more chaotic/ in disarray

Textbook self-description of the life of any addict!

Thanks again for your response! Good luck with, and God bless.

You are in my prayers.

(and did I mention - please go to a meeting!)

 

[Edmundus1581]

And, well done posting here! You have enough self-understanding to feel and see the problem and put it out in a way that others can really latch on to.

If you had softened it in any way, or omitted the porn, it would not have been nearly as constructive.

Act while there is time. The next stage of any addiction is stop caring about the consequences, and just keep using.

 

[ssa_fellow]

I can’t speak for all heterosexual people out there, but as a celibate 31 year old who has never had a relationship and does not have any prospects on the horizon, I can tell you that the chance that I might have one is not what keeps me going. What keeps me going is everything else that I have passion for in my life. I have a career that I worked very hard for and that I enjoy immensely. I have discovered a passion for my faith which is all-encompassing right now. I have interests and hobbies which fill my life.

Quite simply, my life is not one unending quest to find a partner, and I think it would be quite empty and meaningless if it were. My life’s journey to discover who I am - and I am not simply one-half of some uncompleted whole. I am a whole person, for whom God has a purpose, and I can spend every day in the fullness of trying to learn and live out that purpose.

If I find a partner along the way, if that’s God’s plan for me, then that’s great. But if it’s not, then that’s okay too. Accepting God’s will means He knows what I need and He will provide it.

Thank You.
You answered my question really well. Idk, I struggle with this a lot. To me, the grass looks a lot greener being straight, from where I am. The problem for me is, I really have very few passions outside of the Church… I can’t envision me having any career. All I want to do is serve the Church. Full time. With my every waking breath.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

I respectfully disagree. Lying I believe is also ‘intrinsically disordered’ (I agree with) and I have lied and been tempted to lie in my life; but I don’t believe I am disordered in anyway.

I hope this has helped

God Bless

Thank you for reading
Josh

The attractions are deeply enmeshed with much of the rest of the person such as how they interact with others on a fundamental basis meaning that hating homosexuality would hating themselves at a very fundamental level.

I can’t speak for all heterosexual people out there, but as a celibate 31 year old who has never had a relationship and does not have any prospects on the horizon, I can tell you that the chance that I might have one is not what keeps me going. What keeps me going is everything else that I have passion for in my life. I have a career that I worked very hard for and that I enjoy immensely. I have discovered a passion for my faith which is all-encompassing right now. I have interests and hobbies which fill my life.

Quite simply, my life is not one unending quest to find a partner, and I think it would be quite empty and meaningless if it were. My life’s journey to discover who I am - and I am not simply one-half of some uncompleted whole. I am a whole person, for whom God has a purpose, and I can spend every day in the fullness of trying to learn and live out that purpose.

If I find a partner along the way, if that’s God’s plan for me, then that’s great. But if it’s not, then that’s okay too. Accepting God’s will means He knows what I need and He will provide it.

People need hope.

 

[NeedsMercy]

Joie de Vivre hit on something. I know you said that you are in counseling, but do you go to a psychiatrist? (Rhetorical; you needn’t answer) Medication might be the key here for you. I am bipolar, and am familiar with clinical depression. The loneliness, despair…drug therapy and talk therapy could certainly help, I think. One last word of advice: don’t try to be someone that you are not. If you are gay, please don’t force yourself into a heterosexual orientation. It will only lead to more unhappiness. You don’t have to believe me; talking to a doctor about whether or not you should do this might be helpful also. You have my prayers. :console:

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this a lot since I read it. I’m not sure that its true. But, it could be. Idk… I wish I knew why I was depressed.

… I mean, this evening, after I got home from work, I was pretty depressed. And, I haven’t fallen to porn today. So… I mean… I could’ve fallen this morning, or I could’ve in the past 3 hours or so since I’ve been home… but I haven’t, thankfully.

But, I’ve still been depressed. That’s why I think I’m depressed bc I’m lonely.

Surely the loneliness is a part of it. And the loneliness makes porn more appealing, as an escape. But it’s the porn that is sinful, and it’s the porn that is keeping you from effective ways of dealing with the loneliness!

Of course, if you temporarily cut yourself off from porn, things will immediately get worse, not better. No addict immediately improves by abstinence. Your patterns of coping, after all, RELY on porn. But prolonged abstinence will do wonders!

I’m praying for you, dear brother!

 

[Edmundus1581]

Surely the loneliness is a part of it. And the loneliness makes porn more appealing, as an escape. But it’s the porn that is sinful, and it’s the porn that is keeping you from effective ways of dealing with the loneliness!

Of course, if you temporarily cut yourself off from porn, things will immediately get worse, not better. No addict immediately improves by abstinence. Your patterns of coping, after all, RELY on porn. But prolonged abstinence will do wonders!

I’m praying for you, dear brother!

Agreed, but…

I keep seeing advice on porn in CAF, yet few, if any, claiming that their advice has worked for them to the extent that they have achieved complete freedom from sexual sins for any extended period. Yet in Sexaholics Anonymous I am now two years without sex in any form, and feel better than at any time in my life., I know that if I keep with it then it will become 5 years, 10 years, 20. I have completely lost the obsession and go from day to day, and week to week, without even thinking about it.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Agreed, but…

I’m not sure what you mean.

Taking myself as an example, I spent years mired deeply in porn - it was an everyday thing, basically. My life has changed dramatically since I made decisive steps to move away from porn. Does this mean I never fall back into sexual sin? No, sadly. But I have months in between bouts. My goal is to eliminate it entirely, and I’m using a variety of strategies that I’ve picked up dozens of places.

 

[Dorothy]

Thank You.
You answered my question really well. Idk, I struggle with this a lot. To me, the grass looks a lot greener being straight, from where I am. The problem for me is, I really have very few passions outside of the Church… I can’t envision me having any career. All I want to do is serve the Church. Full time. With my every waking breath.

The Holy Spirit can lead you as to now you can serve the Church! We need you!

May the Lord bless you and lead you to where he wants you.

 

[Edmundus1581]

Thank You.
You answered my question really well. Idk, I struggle with this a lot. To me, the grass looks a lot greener being straight, from where I am. The problem for me is, I really have very few passions outside of the Church… I can’t envision me having any career. All I want to do is serve the Church. Full time. With my every waking breath.

You can serve the Church best by overcoming your porn habit completely, for one year at least, and preferably more. Any single man, SSA or not, must not be indulging in sex in any form. Easy - no. Possible - yes.

Is it possible for someone with a deeply engrained habit - yes, and, what’s more, in time they will lose the interest and temptations (on most days and weeks)

So, it’s up to you.

You’ve seen various suggestions here on how to go about it, and there are others available on the web. I suggest this is the #1 priority in your life. For your service to the Church, and your own sake.

In the meantime, why not go to a meeting of Sexaholics Anonymous? (Note: most SA meetings require you to make personal contact first. For obvious reasons the meeting time and address is not usually public)

You’ve got nothing to lose, and your life to gain.

 

[himanshu2263]

Hi,
Don’t think that you are in depression or something like that, feel free everyone has hard time
Try to interact more it will make you feel better always.
Don’t lose faith in yourself, then everything will go well and fine. Talk with family and friends, but you need to talk. I’ll try to help you with the best things I can.
And i am fond of stories, but nothing beats watching the inspirational story.
Here is eShortStories.com which has an inspirational section with videos: click here