Lonely In My Marriage

[igator99]

I need some prayers and advice on who and how to pray to about my marriage. I love my wife and I know she loves me. We have been married for 14 years. She is a good woman but she doesn’t seem to have time for me. Or at least as much as I desire. I’ve been complaining about it since the early days of our marriage. She has been president of our child’s PTA in elementary and High School. She seems to have all the energy in the world for that but I’m lucky if I get an hour with her at night. Don’t even ask about our love life.

I’ve sucked it up but have done things recently that have shocked me. I’ve had a wondering eye, done a bit of flirting etc… I will always be faithful to my wife I believe in my heart but recent actions have me bit worried and feeling guilty. I also am plagued by insomnia. It is 10:17 and I have to wake up at 4:30 to go to work but I probably will not get to sleep until midnight. I’ve expressed my feelings to my wife and she got defensive and then went to sleep. Any advice from the ladies on this board would be much appreciated.

 

[monicatholic]

igator,

i’m sorry for your lonliness. Jesus knows your heart in this. He has shared your lonliness.

i think your post shows the first and subsequent important things:

first good news, to trust in Jesus Who loves you beyond reconning. He loves your wife, too.

second good news, you’re noticing vaguely unfaithful behaviors and you are disciplining yourself away from them.

furthermore, here’s what i’m thinking: the husband is the head of the wife like Christ is the head of the Church, giving his life for her. when Christ gave His life for me, He KNEW it would be a gift that would for many years be ignored-- shunned even. he knew it and He did it anyway. Then He KNEW that even in friendship with Him and in His grace, I would go through many hours of my day forgetting to look at Him with love-- even though He never takes His eyes off of me.

well, now you are experiencing a Christ-like love. love that continues on even when it is ignored and shunned.

continue to give your life for your wife like Christ does for his Church. continue to do loving things for her, regardless of her unloving responses.

and pray: make certain and committed prayer disciplines for your wife’s conversion to the relationship again. make Eucharistic novenas, or pray rosaries, or every day make a certain pennance just for the intention. or do it all-- storm the gates of heaven for the intention of your wife’s conversion to the sacrament/ relationship/ vocation of marriage, which is the sacrament/ relationship/ vocation of total self-giving.

every pang of lonliness, turn it back to God as a prayer.

i heard some fellows talking about a movie called “FireProof.” tag line: never leave your partner behind. they said it was powerful stuff and they were following the outline to save their cold and failing marriages. maybe that will help you, too.

 

[dulcissima]

When your wife talks to you, is she kind? Is she patient with you? Or do you find that she belittles you or puts you down? Just trying to gage whether your problem is more of a quantity rather than a quality type of a thing.

 

[automaticdesire]

Hi there
sorry to hear about your situation.

For years, I used to feel that way. My husband was always busy, meeting clients etc. The time that we spent alone together was minimal, there was always people around. Eventually, his business went down and in desperation, we turned to God. Started going to a prayer group and got actively involved, In that process, we also started spending more time reading the Bible.

Yes, it has not been smooth, there has been ups and downs but I found that as I drew closer to God and the Word, we began to experience a difference in our relationship. Another thing that I found really good, is the movie Fireproof. Perhaps you could set up a date with your wife to watch it?

I will pray for you and your wife.

Blessings

 

[TLM08]

I need some prayers and advice on who and how to pray to about my marriage. I love my wife and I know she loves me. We have been married for 14 years. She is a good woman but she doesn’t seem to have time for me. Or at least as much as I desire. I’ve been complaining about it since the early days of our marriage. She has been president of our child’s PTA in elementary and High School. She seems to have all the energy in the world for that but I’m lucky if I get an hour with her at night. Don’t even ask about our love life.

I’ve sucked it up but have done things recently that have shocked me. I’ve had a wondering eye, done a bit of flirting etc… I will always be faithful to my wife I believe in my heart but recent actions have me bit worried and feeling guilty. I also am plagued by insomnia. It is 10:17 and I have to wake up at 4:30 to go to work but I probably will not get to sleep until midnight. I’ve expressed my feelings to my wife and she got defensive and then went to sleep. Any advice from the ladies on this board would be much appreciated.

Keep your mouth shut about the wandering eye and the flirting. Your post indicates that you are probably a very good man, but a little on the passive side. Start dropping occasional hints about how much you enjoyed being with her back when you two had more time together. Let her know that you miss her companionship and touch. Tell her every single day that you love her. Maybe you can work on being a little more assertive. Walk up behind her after she gets out of the shower and put a big old “lip lock on her” a couple of times per week. Brush your teeth first though.


Start working out. This will help you sleep better at night. Your improved fitness will also be an (unspoken) gentle reminder to her that there are other women out there who might take notice. This is not the reason for working out. Rather it’s an unfortunate reality of life that “dumpy” spouses are a little easier to take for granted, especially if they are overly passive! There are those who will call this shallow, but this is actually a very deep rooted primitive instinct in human nature that is often ignored.

Last but not least, pray about it. Tell your wife that you pray everyday thanking God for sending you such a good wife.

 

[1ke]

A couple of observations.

Your wife has been this way 14 years, she seems unlikely to change. At least until the last child leaves the nest. Then she might have a breakdown and not know what to do with herself. It is a shame she has invested all her time and energy in other directions. I think she is wrong to do so.

Get counseling for yourself. You might have some depression going on. And, you need to find outlets for your loneliness that are appropriate. Don’t just sit around the house.

Seek some spiritual guidance regarding your wandering eye/flirting.

Try to get your wife to go to Retrouvaille with you. Google it. It can help troubled marriages.

I hope your wife comes to realize she is treating a good man badly and changes her behavior. It is not unreasonable for a husband to desire his wife, both physically as well as her emotional presence and engagement in the marriage. I am very sorry your wife treats you this way.

 

[baylee]

I need some prayers and advice on who and how to pray to about my marriage. I love my wife and I know she loves me. We have been married for 14 years. She is a good woman but she doesn’t seem to have time for me. Or at least as much as I desire. I’ve been complaining about it since the early days of our marriage. She has been president of our child’s PTA in elementary and High School. She seems to have all the energy in the world for that but I’m lucky if I get an hour with her at night. Don’t even ask about our love life.

I’ve sucked it up but have done things recently that have shocked me. I’ve had a wondering eye, done a bit of flirting etc… I will always be faithful to my wife I believe in my heart but recent actions have me bit worried and feeling guilty. I also am plagued by insomnia. It is 10:17 and I have to wake up at 4:30 to go to work but I probably will not get to sleep until midnight. I’ve expressed my feelings to my wife and she got defensive and then went to sleep. Any advice from the ladies on this board would be much appreciated.

What are your weekends like?

 

[Lifeisamazing]

Have you spoken to her in a loving way about your feelings?

Have you said, “Honey, I feel like wine-ing and dining you this weekend. Where we go is my suprise, but I want you to pick when. I miss you.”

Is she withdrawing from your marriage for a reason that you know of? ie- Do you have good conversations, listen to each other, know each other’s dreams and fears? A woman needs that.

Have you taken the time to search yourself and be honest with yourself on where you could improve? There are great books, men’s retreats on marriage, etc. that can help you get back in the saddle again and remember why you fell in love with each other to begin with. Oh, I do hope you can. It is a big mistake to just go with the flow for too long when the flow is taking you and your wife in opposite directions. She may really need your help with some areas with the kids, but doesn’t know how to negotiate it and ends up feeling like it is just easier to do it herself.

There is so much that you can do, and you sound like you want to!

You need to start talking with her, and it will be very hard. Get down to the root of the problem with no finger pointing or anger and you will truly have something there!

 

[GhostMan]

Friend, as one who is in the same place, I have only one bit of advice: you are responsible for your own happiness.

My wife, after more than twenty years of the most blissful marriage anyone could imagine, went through what I can only describe as a mid-life crisis. She did not find another man, but pretty much chucked everything in her life and got new - even her religion. We used to spend every free moment together, but once she changed, I was left alone. Her time is now spent immersed in online communities, new friends and her new church. She disappears for hours at a time and leaves her family.

When she first disappeared, I was lost. I literally did not know how to be on my own. I had no hobbies or interests that were not shared with her. We were that couple that spent all night laughing together at any activity and now I was just me. We married young (teenagers) so I had literally never learned how to be by myself for long periods of time. She was still present in the house, but not with me.

First, I became depressed and watched as my body starting twitching and falling apart. My hands, arms, eyes and face developed ticks. I was on medication for a year. I was listless and emotionally dead inside. I wandered around the house, bored, depressed and lonely.

Over the past three years, after three years of decline, I have begun to discover that I need to life my own life and not count on her to be part of it. I found activities that I enjoyed and could do by myself while still being at home around the children. I took up writing and gardening. I learned how to play with the children without her participation. I started doing works of service to others.

I have really learned that I am responsible for making myself content, if not happy. Sometimes, I fall into bad thinking patterns when I remember how good it was, but I quickly get my hands busy again in my hobbies and recenter my mind.

Only you can make yourself content. It was a hard lesson for me; one I almost did not learn as a nearly drowned in self-pity and morose self-loathing. I am not the man I was six years ago; that man was carefree, happy and believed that life was all good. I am not the pathetic, twitching, helpless, hopeless man I was three years ago, either. I am a wiser, if sadder, man who is starting to learn many of the lessons that most people learn much earlier in life.

Find something that you enjoy, something new. Become an expert in it. Throw yourself into it with a passion. Remember the joy of learning and the wonder of discovery.

 

[igator99]

I want to thank everyone for their advice. Someone mentioned she has been this way for 14 years and is unlikely to change. I think that is correct. She lives her life only for the children. Someone brought up an excellent point about what she will do when they leave. The oldest one will be going to college next year.

My weekends are about the same. She is running the kids here and there and I’m at home. On top of this her family hates me. They were use to running all over her and her parents were actually very comfortable living with her and having her be an old maid. She is torn between me, the children and her family. I would give her an ultimatum but I don’t want to.

 

[baylee]

I want to thank everyone for their advice. Someone mentioned she has been this way for 14 years and is unlikely to change. I think that is correct. She lives her life only for the children. Someone brought up an excellent point about what she will do when they leave. The oldest one will be going to college next year.

My weekends are about the same. She is running the kids here and there and I’m at home. On top of this her family hates me. They were use to running all over her and her parents were actually very comfortable living with her and having her be an old maid. She is torn between me, the children and her family. I would give her an ultimatum but I don’t want to.

I know that nowadays kids are very busy on the weekend, but I have a hard time visualizing this taking all day and night for both days of the weekend. What else is she doing? What are you doing at home? Could take part in taking the kids places?

 

[PaulinVA]

I want to thank everyone for their advice. Someone mentioned she has been this way for 14 years and is unlikely to change. I think that is correct. She lives her life only for the children. Someone brought up an excellent point about what she will do when they leave. The oldest one will be going to college next year.

My weekends are about the same. She is running the kids here and there and I’m at home. On top of this her family hates me. They were use to running all over her and her parents were actually very comfortable living with her and having her be an old maid. She is torn between me, the children and her family. I would give her an ultimatum but I don’t want to.

Well, there seems to be an opportunity here.

Why don’t you take the kids places, when you are around. Or, go with her. Time in the car is when our family does the most serious talking and being together.

Your wife has expanded her tasks to fill her time. She’s basically happy. You need to methodically add yourself into the things she does, and before she knows it, you’re buddies again.

Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but you get the point.

 

[Lifeisamazing]

I want to thank everyone for their advice. Someone mentioned she has been this way for 14 years and is unlikely to change. I think that is correct. She lives her life only for the children. Someone brought up an excellent point about what she will do when they leave. The oldest one will be going to college next year.

My weekends are about the same. She is running the kids here and there and I’m at home. On top of this her family hates me. They were use to running all over her and her parents were actually very comfortable living with her and having her be an old maid. She is torn between me, the children and her family. I would give her an ultimatum but I don’t want to.

I have to ask you, where is your responsibility in this? Ultimatums come in to play AFTER you start trying and communicating, not before!

You sound like you are just on the sidelines complaining, (maybe?). As people, we are just as responsible for NOT acting. Just as responsible for NOT playing a role. These things are rarely 50/50, but they are NEVER 0/100 either.

Have you asked her, “Are you happy? Do you feel like I have been there for you, and you for me? How can I change that? What do you picture our lives will be like when the kids are gone? What dreams have you put on hold to be a mother so I can encourage you?”

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and talk to your wife honestly and with love in your heart to rekindle.

 

[whatevergirl]

**Hi igator…I agree with much of the advice here. I will say this, that old habits die hard. If your wife has been operating like this for years, it will take some hard work, prayers, and TIME to get things back on track, if they ever were on track. You need to sit down with her and ask her…is she happy, how can you both spend more time together, etc…I agree with TLM, don’t mention the flirting, obviously. I think the fact that you are not getting attention from your wife in any way, could be an ingredient for that, but I get the sense that you have not exhausted all options with your wife.

You have to sit down with her and share everything you are sharing with us here-sans the flirting. I think she will listen, but be prepared for her to become defensive. Often, when we fall into habits…and think we are doing the right thing (afterall she is a good mom, how could you find fault with that? could be a comeback of hers) we have a hard time changing. Get back to what brought you both together to begin with…even a spark could get things going again in the right direction.

Just don’t blame. Say things like…‘I miss you, can we have dinner on Friday night?’ or "You know I would like for us to do more together just you and me, honey…how about…’ The worst thing she can say is no. Keep trying. If she continues to say no multiple times, you need to get into counseling, with her. If she refuses that, then ask her why she wants to stay with you? Then, the conversations can get more serious. But, in the beginning, try to get on her calendar. I know that sounds, whatever…crass…but just try it, and see if it helps. Keep trying, praying, and being a good husband. Hopefully, she will realize that she has been neglecting you, and the marriage, and will choose to correct a few things.

Good luck…God bless!**

 

[whatevergirl]

I have to ask you, where is your responsibility in this? Ultimatums come in to play AFTER you start trying and communicating, not before!

You sound like you are just on the sidelines complaining, (maybe?). As people, we are just as responsible for NOT acting. Just as responsible for NOT playing a role. These things are rarely 50/50, but they are NEVER 0/100 either.

Have you asked her, “Are you happy? Do you feel like I have been there for you, and you for me? How can I change that? What do you picture our lives will be like when the kids are gone? What dreams have you put on hold to be a mother so I can encourage you?”

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and talk to your wife honestly and with love in your heart to rekindle.

True. Sometimes though, people fear hearing the truth…so they avoid confrontation. I think that if the OP shares what he is sharing here, things will begin to change…even if they are rough at first, saying nothing is not an option anymore.

 

[zaramarie81]

I want to thank everyone for their advice. Someone mentioned she has been this way for 14 years and is unlikely to change. I think that is correct. She lives her life only for the children. Someone brought up an excellent point about what she will do when they leave. The oldest one will be going to college next year.

My weekends are about the same. She is running the kids here and there and I’m at home. On top of this her family hates me. They were use to running all over her and her parents were actually very comfortable living with her and having her be an old maid. She is torn between me, the children and her family. I would give her an ultimatum but I don’t want to.

Here’s a thought… it sounds like your wife might just have an “active” personality. Some people gain a sense of fulfillment out of being busy, being involved, doing. Others feel content to just “be” and to contemplate. If you want to increase unity with your wife, why not find something you can do together? Can you join her in any way? Or find a new interest to pursue together? Who know, she may be just as lonely, wondering why her husband is never by her side or never wants to do the things that interest her. Or maybe she doesn’t feel lonely because she is so busy, but if you joined her, it might rekindle some flame.

 

[dulcissima]

I notice that you said she was this way when you first married, giving all of her attention to the kids, and that you have a child entering college, but have only been married for 14 years. Did you and your wife have children before you married or were these children from a previous realtionship? I think that situation might be a little bit different where you marry and have an instant family, then where the husband and wife are alone at first and slowly get used to the changes in the family.

 

[carmalina]

I suggest you turn it around. Find time for her and be grateful - for giving her that time, for her presence, for her existence. Use the time you have each day to do this…to be thoughtful of her and to do things for her. Show her how much you think of her. Refuse to think the thoughts of doubt you are thinking. Give those thoughts up for lent. There are ways to show your love that will reach her. Pray for the strength to find them. It is important to offer the same love, unconditional agapeic love to her family. She will see you all clearly. It is a trial and it can be overcome. She has hardened her heart to whoever she thinks you are. Show her who you are. Look inside at yourself. Change yourself.
God be with you.

 

[GerlyOne]

I need some prayers and advice on who and how to pray to about my marriage. I love my wife and I know she loves me. We have been married for 14 years. She is a good woman but she doesn’t seem to have time for me. Or at least as much as I desire. I’ve been complaining about it since the early days of our marriage. She has been president of our child’s PTA in elementary and High School. She seems to have all the energy in the world for that but I’m lucky if I get an hour with her at night. Don’t even ask about our love life.

I’ve sucked it up but have done things recently that have shocked me. ** I’ve had a wondering eye, done a bit of flirting etc… ** I will always be faithful to my wife I believe in my heart but recent actions have me bit worried and feeling guilty. I also am plagued by insomnia. It is 10:17 and I have to wake up at 4:30 to go to work but I probably will not get to sleep until midnight. I’ve expressed my feelings to my wife and she got defensive and then went to sleep. Any advice from the ladies on this board would be much appreciated.

I wanted to share with you that my husband is a huge flirt, recently, I discovered an emotional on-line affair with one of his co-workers…he has since been remorseful and has admitted that “it was just a flirtation that I got carried away with”…

I have been trying to come to terms with it and guess what…I CAN’T. I have written about this several times now and I, myself, am getting so sick of it Don’t cross the line, stop the flirting and such, just spend some time praying over your situation and take the advice you’ve been given, very good advice I might add, and just talk to her, romance her, surprise her with flowers, champagne…you know, all the corny stuff that really does make an impact. I won’t dwell on my own sadness, but my husband is bending over backwards trying to gain my trust back and tells me everyday how much he truly loves me and how sorry he is that he ever crossed the line…“lapse in judgement, idiotic, stupid”, etc…

Besides…you don’t really want to jeopardize your soul do you?

 

[igator99]

I wanted to share with you that my husband is a huge flirt, recently, I discovered an emotional on-line affair with one of his co-workers…he has since been remorseful and has admitted that “it was just a flirtation that I got carried away with”…

I have been trying to come to terms with it and guess what…I CAN’T. I have written about this several times now and I, myself, am getting so sick of it Don’t cross the line, stop the flirting and such, just spend some time praying over your situation and take the advice you’ve been given, very good advice I might add, and just talk to her, romance her, surprise her with flowers, champagne…you know, all the corny stuff that really does make an impact. I won’t dwell on my own sadness, but my husband is bending over backwards trying to gain my trust back and tells me everyday how much he truly loves me and how sorry he is that he ever crossed the line…“lapse in judgement, idiotic, stupid”, etc…

Besides…you don’t really want to jeopardize your soul do you?

You are right for getting angry with you husband about flirting. I wouldn’t stand for it at all. It was one of the reasons why I felt bad about it want it to stop. I my wife just got home and laid into for not clearing out the sink. We have a 17+ year old daughter that has never worked a day in her life and her only responsibility was to clear out the sink. I’ve got great advice on here. I’m not sure much can save it.