Lonely Married Catholic

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Loncath

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Hi all

I’m sad, lonely and have nobody to talk to. I have a wonderful local parish priest and have made 3 attempt to talk to him but unfortunately he was busy on all 3 occasions and never received a call from him after giving him my phone number after saying that he’ll call me back on all 3 occasions. I’m seeking advice and assistance as I am lost and depressed and don’t know where to turn.

I’ve been living a mostly unhappy marriage for nearly 20 odd years, and have a couple kids. My wife was divorced (divorcee) when I met her who’s religion is from a different church and her previous marriage was anulled from her church of another Christian denomination. We married at her church and back then neither of us were practicing our relegions. I started going back to church a few years ago a year before our eldest son went to a catholic high school mainly because the Catholic high schools asked about how regularly we go to mass and we weren’t going at all. Since then I was going regularly with my son’s and sometimes my wife joined us who sees the Catholic church as a cult in the way parishioners get involved with singing, readings, etc etc, as only the priest conducts and participate religious ceremonies in her church.

My married life has been an unhappy one. Neither my wife (to my belief) or I are having an affair, it’s just that she suffers anxiety on a daily basis and her ongoing negative behaviour effects me emotionally especially when she behaves inappropriately and hysterically in front of our children. I am embarrassed by her behavior when she screams at me in front of our kids and at home knowing our neighbours can hear us arguing. She has no shame of her behaviour and I am over it.

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve tried to have a talk to my local parish priest without success.

No one in my family know of my situation with my wife as I don’t want to worry my elderly frail parent with very strong religious values, and although my sibling is aware I’ve had marriage issues in the past, I don’t like to get my sibling involved who is unaware of the level of unhappiness in our marriage. I’ve tried to call a Catholic help line to discuss my issues anonymously but they are only open during business hours when I’m at work.

My wife is currently suffering a physical condition caused by her anxiety. I work 2 jobs to support my family, and she doesn’t work at all and she haven’t worked for most of our married life. Despite our poor relationship, I support my wife whenever she needs me.

We are contemplating ending our relationship which may help her deal with her medical condition. We have been seeing a few psychologists in the past several years, but her unreasonable behavior still continues which effects me and our family especially her physically.

I don’t know who else I can seek for advice and help to cope and to determine what to do about our relationship moving forward. We both have had a discussion about divorce but haven’t made this decision at this stage. I can see no other option but to proceed the divorce option.

Please provide some advice where I should go from here.

Thank you

LC
 
I don’t advocate divorce, but a trial separation might help in clarification to the many issues. Do try to seek out a marriage counselor if possible. If your children are of age you will not be in legal need to pay support but to be supportive in their lives. If they are not of legal age then their childhoods must be stressful. Working two jobs is not conducive to good relationships Think about being apart for a while. and maybe cutting your work time. It doesn’t sound like your really that available to your wife or kids.
 
There are so very many issues here. I can only suggest you and your wife look to addressing them one by one, if you are willing.

Call the parish office and make an appointment to talk with the priest. Phone calls are not the best method, can be missed, and are not for such serious matters. Not an excuse for not calling back, just the reality.

From your description, it sounds like counseling was inconsistent. Look into how you both could talk with a counselor or psychologist. If not as a couple, then for yourself.

I will say a prayer for you and your marriage. God gave you the insight to see, it’s up to you to follow through.
 
Thank you MaryEstell2 for taking the time to reply.

Yes, I agree with you regarding the impact of working 2 jobs. My second jobs involves work on some Saturday. I don’t work Sunday which is meant to be our family day as well as a day to go to church.

Unfortunately as I’m not around most days, this is also the day when we need to get things done for the house, shopping etc. Perhaps I could look into spending more family time on Sundays.

Thanks again
 
Thank you Martin1958 for your message and prayer.

On all my attempts to talk to my parish priest, I called the office and my parish priest answered the phone on each occasion.

The first time he suggest I talk to him after mass. I went to mass, met with him, but he was busy and so he referred me to another priest outside the church who I personally didn’t want to see. I had a discussion with this other priest during which my parish priest apologised then asked me to write my phone number on a piece of paper which he took. I never heard from him. This was several months ago.

I then called my parish priest again on Tuesday this week who said he was busy and suggested I call him after work the next day.

I called him after work the next day and he said he was busy and that he will call me back.

I didn’t get his returned call. I guess he’s too busy.

Thanks again for your response and God bless
 
When a wife or mother carries the weight of raising a family 24/7 nearly 7 days a week she will be stressed and often overwhelmed. My father, a farmer, worked 16 to 18 hrs. a day every day and on Sundays. was not really available to us as a family. When he had a ‘day off’ he was exhausted. In our family, we understood that he ‘had to’ put in those hours and my mother was a strong Irish woman, but still, it was not easy. Therefore it can not be fun and games for your wife. Rethink working two jobs. If you must in order to put food on the table or a roof over your family, then do so. If you work two jobs to maintain a lifestyle or the American Dream, then reconsider. There are always two sides to every situation. Let there be peace in your home and I am praying for you and your wife.
 
Thank you again MaryEstell2.

I’m not from America but from another country, however I understand what you are saying.

We don’t live in a lavish home, but are currently financially comfortable compared to the average person, even though we have a mortgage which in itself is a blessing being able to have a mortgage.

The unfortunate thing is that my wife likes to go on regular expensive holidays each year, but has an entitlement mentality not believing that she has to work, despite our outgoings are higher than our incomings. I built the foundation in my younger years to be able to afford a mortgage, and am trying to build a future for my family especially with the expensive cost of living these days. Now I do what I can to save, and although she believes she does what she could do to save, but in realty she rather eat out regularly than cook and often makes a point of not wanting to cook so we eat out a lot. I make my own sandwiches for work and do what ever I can to save a little.

So without my second job, we would financially be going backward faster so at least I am currently able to keep my head above water financially.
 
That is unfortunate. You might try to call the Diocese office to see if there is someone you can talk to. Ours has an office of marriage and family living; perhaps you have something similar.
 
I don’t understand how your priest would be able to help with your marital problems. Wouldn’t a doctor be more useful in your situation?
 
I don’t really know your circumstances, but I think cooking ‘out’ and doing B-B-Qs would really bring the family together and fun. It would be ‘family time’ at least once a week and you can even teach your kids how to cook while saving $$. Eating out can get expensive even if you go to Wendy’s. For a cookout invite your kid’s friends, maybe someone from church or even invite Fr.
Be the cool dad and husband. Also, no one is really ‘entitled.’ A lot of people think they are, but the Bible says we are to earn our bread by the sweat of our brows. Vacations are nice, but maybe she could take less costly vacations every other year. If you have a big foot, put your foot down and stand by our word. At the same time, you are teaching your kids ‘the rules of the road’ and not everything is mone or gratification related. P.S. are you taking the kids to mass with you?
 
Am I reading it right that you did not marry with the blessing of the Church? If that is the case, then, please talk to your priest soon.

Just read that is a problem in and of itself.

Use this website to find your Diocese contact information. Speak to someone in the Family Life, the Chancery or the Tribunal office Structured View of Dioceses [Catholic-Hierarchy]
 
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I will pray for your marriage. I am in the same situation. I can sympathize. May God give you strength to live your life and do what is best for everyone.
 
Thank you all for your response. I’ll try to answer all the questions replied her in one. I rather not continue replying to further questions if possible, however will read further replies if any…

I have sought assistance with doctors, physcologists, and family assistance services for the past few years. The problem is I feel that I’m the only one to make a real effort, and have been going nowhere. There is no point of me making an effort without my wife making an effort. And I’ve had enough of her embarrassing behavior. I can’t speak, cause if I say anything she doesn’t like to hear, she gets angry. She doesn’t respect my values, and the responsible ways I wanted to raise our kids, but the way she raises them is basically they can have what they want.

My kids have in the past have been joining me going to church every week, but my wife doesn’t see the need for them to go to church. The kids complain about going, and as my wife sees the Catholic religion as a cult, she doesn’t support our kids going to church every week. She in fact uses the stories in the media about pedophile priests as her reason why our kids shouldn’t go to mass.

Her ex-husband left her, her marriage was annulled by the orthodox church which is of her religious background. I initially fell sorry for her marriage break up and eventually fell in love before marrying her. Now I feel that perhaps I was a rebound of her first marriage and perhaps in someway I may be getting punished for marrying someone who was once married before. She did not have any children from her previous marriage.

Her physiological state is getting worst and her anxiety is causing her to physically and mentally fall apart. I don’t want this marriage any more, as I have been hanging on living in my own depression because of this marriage.

I know the right thing to do for the kids is to hang on to this marriage, but I don’t even have the respect of my own kids because of my wife’s undermining the limits I want for my kids. I feel that perhaps I should hang around until the youngest is at legal age to look after himself and support the family until then for the next 7 years.

I know if we break up, my wife will do everything in her power to hurt me, so I think the only thing I can do is live a loveless marriage until the kids grow up. In the meantime, I’ll continue to sleep on a small couch I have sleeping on for months and call it my bed for a very long time.

In regards to getting the kids involved in cooking, this will never happen. My wife doesn’t like cooking, so cooking is a rarity. The kids get what they want and to avoid arguments, I let my wife gets what she wants. I want to limit the kids computer time, she doesn’t see a problem with them playing computer games all day. Despite my many attempts to limit their computer, I’ve given up trying to limit their computer time. Now my kids virtually play computer games for 12 hours per day during school holidays and weekends and they even get a few hours of game time each school day.

I think I’ve answered most questions. I will refrain from answering any more questions but again I will read your reply.
 
If you guys were not married with the permission of the Catholic Church, the Church sees this as an “irregular union”. Spiritually, your marriage does not have the strength that comes from a valid, Sacramental union.

Follow the link I gave you above to find your Diocese office. The Tribunal/Family Life office will help you find someone to accompany you on your journey.
 
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