Lonely SAHW...husband working long hours

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Convert_in_99

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My husband and I have a somewhat unique marriage situation. He is Protestant and I’m Catholic (yes we married in the church! ;)). We are unable to have children due to infertility and unable to adopt for many reasons. I have severe mental illness and also have Fibromyalgia both of which can be quite disabling at times. Needless to say I am not able to work right now so hubby has 2 jobs and works like 80hrs a week to make ends meet. Four days a week he works from 8am-10:30pm! He does thankfully get Sunday’s off but we go to different churches and he needs a lot of alone/rest time that day so we usually only spend about 4-6hrs together then. And two weekdays we get about 2-3 hrs together. I can’t go out much due to cost. I do the cooking and cleaning. I have 2 dogs and take them out on short walks (all I can manage exercise-wise.) I like reading and I get a bagful of books every few weeks at the library. I have many DVDs to watch. I have the Internet. I have 2 friends I see once every 1-3 months usually (as they both live about 45mins away). My family is few but all live 9 hrs away. I do try to pray off and on and do a little spiritual reading each day. Still it can be quite lonely without my husband and having no kids (although the dogs sometimes can fool me ;)). I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing for God. Or life in general. I’m just down, lonely, bored. Spiritually empty. Confused. Sad at times. Missing my husband and our only baby in heaven. Looking to meet other SAHWs in like situations.
 
Convert_in_99 said:
My husband and I have a somewhat unique marriage situation. He is Protestant and I’m Catholic (yes we married in the church! ;)). We are unable to have children due to infertility and unable to adopt for many reasons. I have severe mental illness and also have Fibromyalgia both of which can be quite disabling at times. Needless to say I am not able to work right now so hubby has 2 jobs and works like 80hrs a week to make ends meet. Four days a week he works from 8am-10:30pm! He does thankfully get Sunday’s off but we go to different churches and he needs a lot of alone/rest time that day so we usually only spend about 4-6hrs together then. And two weekdays we get about 2-3 hrs together. I can’t go out much due to cost. I do the cooking and cleaning. I have 2 dogs and take them out on short walks (all I can manage exercise-wise.) I like reading and I get a bagful of books every few weeks at the library. I have many DVDs to watch. I have the Internet. I have 2 friends I see once every 1-3 months usually (as they both live about 45mins away). My family is few but all live 9 hrs away. I do try to pray off and on and do a little spiritual reading each day. Still it can be quite lonely without my husband and having no kids (although the dogs sometimes can fool me ;)). I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing for God. Or life in general. I’m just down, lonely, bored. Spiritually empty. Confused. Sad at times. Missing my husband and our only baby in heaven. Looking to meet other SAHWs in like situations.
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Can you do ESL volunteer tutoring, maybe even out of your home? Even having just one weekly tutoring appointment could brighten up your social life.

I lost my job (post 9/11) when I was pregnant with our first child when we had been just a few months in a new city, and I was so booooored by the second trimester. There just wasn’t enough internet to keep me busy. After the baby was born, I added a few things to my list that brightened things up a lot:

–CSPAN on the radio
–NPR
–books on tape from the public library (I listened to HUGE books that I never would have read in print)
–an inexpensive language class
–hosted a women’s Bible study at my house (WARNING: it will be mainly moms)
–tutored an immigrant single mother in ESL and eventually did a language exchange with her

We have a friend that is bipolar and has had a lot of trouble keeping an in-person job, but I hear that he’s been very happy doing online EFL tutoring as a job.

Best wishes!
 
I second Xantippe’s good ideas above, especially about tutoring. There are several websites that hire online tutors, and you could work from home for the amount of hours you could handle. Another option, depending on your skills, might be finding some sort of freelance editing work or whatnot that could be done at home.

Also, how about enrolling in some sort of class – continuing education, college (if you don’t have a degree, or want another), or arts? If you don’t think you can get out of the house for classes bc of the fibromyalgia, you could always find an online course. I’ve enrolled in a couple courses through Coursera over the past couple years when I had the time and wanted to use my brain. These are MOOCs, massive online open-enrollment courses offered by various universities, most of them “big name.” It wouldn’t be socialization, but it would be something to do to exercise your brain. Also, if you have an Apple device, the ITunes University app has some cool lectures and courses.
 
I was just going to mention maybe trying to work from home too or at least take a couple of online classes.
You might be able to get grants to help pay for them if you are interested. Maybe study Theology.
I have a girlfriend who is doing this. She enjoys it very much.

Have you also tried podcasts? Or lectures online?

I lost my job too when I was pregnant with my first. My husband was working 12-13 hour nights and sleeping during the day…even during his days off we didn’t see each other much because he was trying to maintain a night schedule and would sleep most of the day.
I took classes online and went to daily Mass a lot.

When my oldest was born…she slept a lot so I took more classes online.
 
Have you considered volunteering? Something that wouldn’t take a huge time commitment, like at a hospital or animal shelter? Or a soup kitchen? Nursing home? I am not sure what limitations you have, but maybe something you could do for a couple of hours a week helping others would make things less lonely. The online tutoring idea is great too, if you’re unable to get out of the house.
 
Perhaps there is some kind of support group either in person or online for people with firbromyalgia that you could meet/with or “talk to” online?

Mary.
 
If you can bring in any income, it would kill two birds with one stone:
  1. You’d keep yourself a little busier and be less isolated
  2. Your husband wouldn’t need to work such long hours, so you’d be able to spend more time together.
It may not be currently feasible, but even just a little bit of income could greatly improve your life.
 
Be kind to yourself. After all, you are made in God’s image. Please seek professional psychiatric help for your mental illness if you are not already receiving treatment. In my family, many have struggled with debilitating psychological problems for far too long. I ignored my own issues for 20 years. Treatment and therapy can provide relief and understanding. Being lonely, bored, spiritually empty, confused and sad sounds terrible. I have, and will, pray that you find other SAHWs in like situations, but in the meantime try to find community at your parish. Our priest one Sunday asked us to give him a hug once in a while because, as he said, “priests need hugs too”. My wife and I gave him a hug together on the way out, and have hugged him several times since then. Perhaps, if you feel alone at Mass, you can give a hug to your priest. He could probably use one. Lastly, I will pray for your marriage. Your struggle with pain and illness, his long hours, the loss of your child, and financial stress, all put stress on your marriage relationship. Hang in there, and may God bless you.

BTW this is my very first post on Catholic Answers Forum, so I hope I did o.k.
 
These are some good ideas! The education is a no go as we have NO extra money. We live in a tiny one bedroom apartment, we don’t even have a couch for guests to sit on so people coming over is a no go. I used to volunteer or do babysitting for pay when I could, but none of those families need help anymore. And I had several off and on clients for a while! I’ve been on the lookout for more opportunities like that at church. I’d put an add i the bulliten but that’s not free. But I do hope something comes of that because I really enjoyed those families.
 
Convert_in_99 said:
These are some good ideas! The education is a no go as we have NO extra money. We live in a tiny one bedroom apartment, we don’t even have a couch for guests to sit on so people coming over is a no go. I used to volunteer or do babysitting for pay when I could, but none of those families need help anymore. And I had several off and on clients for a while! I’ve been on the lookout for more opportunities like that at church. I’d put an add i the bulliten but that’s not free. But I do hope something comes of that because I really enjoyed those families.
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I work as a babysitter and found all of my clients through Care.com. I paid $10 for a background check, but otherwise the cost of running the website is paid by people looking for sitters. The fact that you have prior experience would be a big asset to you on a website like that, especially if your former clients would be willing to be listed as references or write a review for you. There’s also sittercity.com, which similarly does not charge the sitters.

I also posted an ad on Craigslist and had a few interviews through it, but nothing ever solidified. But Craigslist is also free.
 
One suggestion: perhaps you meet him for lunch by his job? He must get a lunch hour. You could make him a sandwich and meet him close by his job: is that an option? I don’t know if he works by you. That way you see him a bit more and you get out a bit too.

An observation as one who worked in the family courts: sometime when one spouse works a lot of hours their home becomes a refuge while for the SAHW the home becomes a prison. If he can’t be home more, at least get you out more…and if you see him when out so much the better!
 
PolarGuy said:
One suggestion: perhaps you meet him for lunch by his job? He must get a lunch hour. You could make him a sandwich and meet him close by his job: is that an option? I don’t know if he works by you. That way you see him a bit more and you get out a bit too.

An observation as one who worked in the family courts: sometime when one spouse works a lot of hours their home becomes a refuge while for the SAHW the home becomes a prison. If he can’t be home more, at least get you out more…and if you see him when out so much the better!
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Good idea!
 
The car thing is an issue. I have my moms old 2001 van. It sucks gas like crazy. I use it only when I can make a little to put some gas in it. It cannot be driven but 10 maybe 15 miles max. Parts are falling off of it and we have to air the worn out tires at least monthly for as little use as it gets. Tires are astronomical no way it will ever get new ones. We can’t afford tires for the five year old car my hubby drives. We can’t afford much of anything :o

I would be nervous just getting random families to sit for online. I’m not looking for regular work just something for fun really since I don’t have kids. But it’s got to pay something for the gas.
 
My husband works long hours too. He’s a workaholic. I knew that when I married him.

I can understand where you are coming from - as we didn’t always have kids and I was once a SAHW.

Also, don’t dismiss the online education out right because a lot of the courses are FREE. You may not get a degree out it, but it will help keep your mind focused on something other than what’s going on in your life.

A lot of my friends Skype their families and friends who live far away. It helps them keep in touch.

It’s so easy to get depressed when you are alone for a really long time like you are. You can only watch so much TV, read so many books, etc.

Are there projects that you’ve always wanted to do, but never had time for? Crafts, painting, etc. (Mine has been scrapbooking…when I remember to do it…lol)

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. I know what it’s like to be broke and just need an outlet for companionship and could use another friend (even if it’s online!)

Take care -
 
VoiceofaDad said:
Be kind to yourself. After all, you are made in God’s image. Please seek professional psychiatric help for your mental illness if you are not already receiving treatment. In my family, many have struggled with debilitating psychological problems for far too long. I ignored my own issues for 20 years. Treatment and therapy can provide relief and understanding. Being lonely, bored, spiritually empty, confused and sad sounds terrible. I have, and will, pray that you find other SAHWs in like situations, but in the meantime try to find community at your parish. Our priest one Sunday asked us to give him a hug once in a while because, as he said, “priests need hugs too”. My wife and I gave him a hug together on the way out, and have hugged him several times since then. Perhaps, if you feel alone at Mass, you can give a hug to your priest. He could probably use one. Lastly, I will pray for your marriage. Your struggle with pain and illness, his long hours, the loss of your child, and financial stress, all put stress on your marriage relationship. Hang in there, and may God bless you.

BTW this is my very first post on Catholic Answers Forum, so I hope I did o.k.
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What a wonderful post!~ Welcome to the forums. I hope you enjoy your time here and learn a lot as well.

God Bless,
Mary.
 
You probably have an elementary school very close by so it would be an easy drive or possibly a walk to get there. These days with the cuts to budgets they would be very pleased to have another volunteer. I mentor/tutor twice a week at risk kids and have found that they’ve taught/given me so much in return. I can guarantee that you could find a volunteer position there to fit your personality. If you prefer an office job away from kids but with more adult contact, whatever. Give them a call.
 
Can you volunteer in some ministry at church? Socializing will help with loneliness and perhaps you’ll meet someone who needs a sitter.
 
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