Lonely sexless marriage--how to cope

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revertgirl

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I was wondering if anyone could offer advice or words of encouragement. My marriage has had its ups and downs. Things are so-so at the moment (a little better than they have been in the past), except I find myself disappointed and lonely.

My husband doesn’t make any effort to initiate intimacy with me. I take care of my appearance and am in great shape. We are both in our early 30s but he seems to have no interest in sex.

Before we married, he was all over me and would always push the envelope sexually despite the fact that I was firm on having us wait until marriage. We also practice NFP.

Now that we’re married, he’s like ready for the retirement home. He says it’s because there isn’t time for it (we have kids), but I just don’t buy that. All he needs to do is make time for it and it could happen. I am always the initiator, which makes me feel sleazy and unwanted. He says he’s not getting off elsewhere (porn/masturbation).

So I find myself sexually frustrated. Not to mention, I would like us to have another baby but he is also not crazy about the idea. Any encouragement or pearls of wisdom would be appreciated.
 
Do you two spend time together on activities, without the kids, the type of things you two did before you were married? Or new mutual interests? If there are no other underlying issues here, I bet just having some fun together outside the bedroom will help to re-spark your relationship.
 
revertgirl said:
I was wondering if anyone could offer advice or words of encouragement. My marriage has had its ups and downs. Things are so-so at the moment (a little better than they have been in the past), except I find myself disappointed and lonely.

My husband doesn’t make any effort to initiate intimacy with me. I take care of my appearance and am in great shape. We are both in our early 30s but he seems to have no interest in sex.

Before we married, he was all over me and would always push the envelope sexually despite the fact that I was firm on having us wait until marriage. We also practice NFP.

Now that we’re married, he’s like ready for the retirement home. He says it’s because there isn’t time for it (we have kids), but I just don’t buy that. All he needs to do is make time for it and it could happen. I am always the initiator, which makes me feel sleazy and unwanted. He says he’s not getting off elsewhere (porn/masturbation).

So I find myself sexually frustrated. Not to mention, I would like us to have another baby but he is also not crazy about the idea. Any encouragement or pearls of wisdom would be appreciated.
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Pray the Holy Trinity, the Virgin Mary (Our Lady of Lourdes), Saint Joseph and his keeper angel for this conjugal intention. Ask to your priest of celebrating some masses for this conjugal intention: the fact of changing the habits and thoughts of your husband on this conjugal topic. That is totally moral and not strange.

You can try to use the gun of the morality. As husband, he has the moral obligation of means of making you happy, even on the aspect of the conjugal sexuality.* He has to be a conjugal lover in your favor because you are his conjugal mistress. Thus, morally speaking, he has the moral obligation to request you the conjugal act for pleasing you, for satisfying you and for showing his conjugal carnal love in your favor. The marriage is sexed and sexual. He has to understand it. He has debts, obligations and duties toward you about the conjugal sexuality.* Before all things, he is a husband and after a father: the pretext of children is totally irrelevant.* The day of wedding, he consented to offer to you all his human person: body, soul and heart*. A discussion with a spiritual director could be useful.

May be, it would be helpful to consult to catholic specialists for identifying the possible troubles that can cause this non request coming from him for the conjugal act.
 
revertgirl said:
I was wondering if anyone could offer advice or words of encouragement. My marriage has had its ups and downs. Things are so-so at the moment (a little better than they have been in the past), except I find myself disappointed and lonely.

My husband doesn’t make any effort to initiate intimacy with me. I take care of my appearance and am in great shape. We are both in our early 30s but he seems to have no interest in sex.

Before we married, he was all over me and would always push the envelope sexually despite the fact that I was firm on having us wait until marriage. We also practice NFP.

Now that we’re married, he’s like ready for the retirement home. He says it’s because there isn’t time for it (we have kids), but I just don’t buy that. All he needs to do is make time for it and it could happen. I am always the initiator, which makes me feel sleazy and unwanted. He says he’s not getting off elsewhere (porn/masturbation).

So I find myself sexually frustrated. Not to mention, I would like us to have another baby but he is also not crazy about the idea. Any encouragement or pearls of wisdom would be appreciated.
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Your husband needs a trip to the doctor to rule out physical causes for his low libido. There are many possibilities, including low testosterone, diabetes, high blood pressure, clinical depression, etc. He’s not too young for any of these, and many other physical conditions which impair libido. And these things can all be treated, which means that he will get his libido back again.

Many men hate going to the doctor. Plead with him to go for the sake of your marriage and for the sake of the children.

As an older woman who has been married for 35 years, I suggest that you put your husband FIRST on your list of priorities (after God, of course). Demonstrate to him that you love and care for him, not just yourself and your needs, or for your children and their needs, or for that baby that you hope to have someday. Although I doubt that this is the reason he has lost his libido, it certainly doesn’t help him when he gets the message from you that he is inadequate. Make him the most important person in your life and be the helpmate that God designed you to be. And he needs help–it is very abnormal for a man in his 30s to have no libido. Something is wrong–help him to find out what is wrong and get if fixed, for HIS sake, not just yours.
 
Cat said:
Your husband needs a trip to the doctor to rule out physical causes for his low libido. There are many possibilities, including low testosterone, diabetes, high blood pressure, clinical depression, etc. He’s not too young for any of these, and many other physical conditions which impair libido. And these things can all be treated, which means that he will get his libido back again.

Many men hate going to the doctor. Plead with him to go for the sake of your marriage and for the sake of the children.

As an older woman who has been married for 35 years, I suggest that you put your husband FIRST on your list of priorities (after God, of course). Demonstrate to him that you love and care for him, not just yourself and your needs, or for your children and their needs, or for that baby that you hope to have someday. Although I doubt that this is the reason he has lost his libido, it certainly doesn’t help him when he gets the message from you that he is inadequate. Make him the most important person in your life and be the helpmate that God designed you to be. And he needs help–it is very abnormal for a man in his 30s to have no libido. Something is wrong–help him to find out what is wrong and get if fixed, for HIS sake, not just yours.
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This is excellent commonsense advice and the right place to start!
 
Seems strange to me. But maybe there is something wrong with his libido. It would be wise for him to go see a doctor because when a man is not interested in sexual intimacy there is obviously a problem, at least, that is my perspective.

I know that depression does this but maybe it’s some other thing. Do your best to encourage him to see a doctor about this issue. Make it a priority to communicate openly with your husband about this.

It’s good to pray, but it’s also good to act when something is not right. I sincerely hope things will improve by His Grace in your marriage.
 
Maybe he doesn’t want another child & feels this will be the result.

I don’t know what “NFP” is. 🤷
 
truetofaith said:
Maybe he doesn’t want another child & feels this will be the result.

I don’t know what “NFP” is. 🤷
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“NFP” is natural family planning- a very effective means approved by the Church for delaying having children for serious reasons.
 
My gut instinct is he is ready to ditch the NFP.

He is to young to have lost his sex drive normally, but old enough to not want any more kids. You said when younger he pushed the envelope sexually. So my guess is he is interested in bedroom activity, but the risk of another kid is outweighs his desire.

Start a dialogue with him, and a good place to start is whether he want’s more kids or not. You stated “you” wanted another. Find out if the feeling is mutual.

Remeber…dialogue. Ask questions and listen to his answers.
 
JamalChristophr said:
“NFP” is natural family planning- a very effective means approved by the Church for delaying having children for serious reasons.
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Oh, Thank you…if she said the rhythm method, I would have understood! Now I see why her hubby is abstaining from sex…that method is very hit & miss!

He better get ready for more kids… 😉
 
truetofaith said:
Oh, Thank you…if she said the rhythm method, I would have understood! Now I see why her hubby is abstaining from sex…that method is very hit & miss!

He better get ready for more kids… 😉
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:rolleyes: NFP is NOT “the rhythm method” (sometimes referred to as “Standard Days Method”). NFP is monitoring and recording signs of fertility, which vary from woman to woman and cycle to cycle. It can be very effective, if both spouses are on the same page about needing to avoid (or wanting to conceive) and if there aren’t health problems that make reading fertility signs difficult (though frequently these can be resolved).

PLEASE do not continue with this misunderstanding of what natural family planning is. It is a disservice to women’s health (real women’s health, not the euphemism that it frequently means) to do so.
 
truetofaith said:
Oh, Thank you…if she said the rhythm method, I would have understood! Now I see why her hubby is abstaining from sex…that method is very hit & miss!

He better get ready for more kids… 😉
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That is inaccurate. It is not very hit and miss if you are using, for example, the Sympto thermal method which has greater than 95 percent efficacy in avoiding pregnancy. We successfully planned both pregnancies and have never had any unintended pregnancies. It has worked perfectly for us.

In regards to having another baby, he has told me that he is worried that I will be too stressed out. I find that claim interesting because I am less stressed out by the children and more stressed when he is not supportive of helping me around the house. We both work. If I am stressed, I’ve never “gotten crazy” or violent or destructive or taken out my stress on others. I saw that growing up and I don’t think he has any idea what stress “looks” like.

He sort of blames NFP for him not having much libido. he says that’s a long periods of abstaining has made him think less and less about sex. I kind of have a hard time buying that. I think it has more to do with being lazy and complacent.
 
He probably doesn’t want to say he will be more stressed out…if not mentally …financially.

It appears you are pushing to have another child…think about it! :hmmm:
 
He sort of blames NFP for him not having much libido. he says that’s a long periods of abstaining has made him think less and less about sex. I kind of have a hard time buying that. I think it has more to do with being lazy and complacen
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Smells pretty fishy to me! Abstaining is only like 10 days isn’t it? Approxmiately. I think it is his libido.
 
revertgirl said:
That is inaccurate. It is not very hit and miss if you are using, for example, the Sympto thermal method which has greater than 95 percent efficacy in avoiding pregnancy. We successfully planned both pregnancies and have never had any unintended pregnancies. It has worked perfectly for us.

In regards to having another baby, he has told me that he is worried that I will be too stressed out. I find that claim interesting because I am less stressed out by the children and more stressed when he is not supportive of helping me around the house. We both work. If I am stressed, I’ve never “gotten crazy” or violent or destructive or taken out my stress on others. I saw that growing up and I don’t think he has any idea what stress “looks” like.

He sort of blames NFP for him not having much libido. he says that’s a long periods of abstaining has made him think less and less about sex. I kind of have a hard time buying that. I think it has more to do with being lazy and complacent.
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Yes, you two are not on the same page. And it looks like you have dug your heels in already to discount any (name removed by moderator)ut he has to offer. He doesn’t want to discuss things either and is just checking out to avoid a confrontation.

Remember… dialogue. If you call him lazy, he will shut down.
 
Yeah, I think you need to talk.

On the one hand, he says, “we can’t get pregnant,” on the other, he says “NFP is too hard with the avoiding.” What does he suggest, then? (I have a feeling I know, considering he wasn’t too keen on following Church teaching before you married, either, but at least then you’d know outright that’s what he wants to do.) Because it sounds like you’d be happy to ditch the charting for now and see what happens (I’d suggest that over actively trying, which can be a mood killer, though you probably know your signals pretty well by now).

It may be, too, that this is an excuse to cover up an underlying physical issue. Even if he doesn’t wish to just contracept, the reasons he’s given you are contradictory. 🤷

I definitely wouldn’t call him lazy or complacent to his face (or to anybody he knows - at most venting here in a post or to a counselor!) But it sounds like there’s a communication issue as well.
 
revertgirl said:
In regards to having another baby, he has told me that he is worried that I will be too stressed out. I find that claim interesting because I am less stressed out by the children and more stressed when he is not supportive of helping me around the house. We both work. If I am stressed, I’ve never “gotten crazy” or violent or destructive or taken out my stress on others. I saw that growing up and I don’t think he has any idea what stress “looks” like.
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Maybe this is is him telling you in an indirect way that he would be too stressed out by having another baby?
revertgirl said:
He sort of blames NFP for him not having much libido. he says that’s a long periods of abstaining has made him think less and less about sex. I kind of have a hard time buying that. I think it has more to do with being lazy and complacent.
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I hope you haven’t told him you consider his low libido to be laziness. Some men just have a low libido, and by telling him he is lazy, it doesn’t really sound encouraging.

From what you’ve posted, I think he is stressed about adding to your family. Maybe he thinks he can’t cope, or maybe he thinks finance is an issue? There is a chance, as Cat said, that he could be depressed. I suggest asking him to go to a doctor’s, just to make sure.

Another thing I would suggest is to talk to him. Tell him you will let him speak without interrupting, and then listen to him. Listen to what he’s saying, but listen to what he’s not saying as well. Is he saying you will be stressed? Maybe he means he would be. Is he saying you can’t afford it? Maybe he’s worried about money right now. Just listen to him, and listen to any concerns he may have.

Lou
 
revertgirl said:
I was wondering if anyone could offer advice or words of encouragement. My marriage has had its ups and downs. Things are so-so at the moment (a little better than they have been in the past), except I find myself disappointed and lonely.

My husband doesn’t make any effort to initiate intimacy with me. I take care of my appearance and am in great shape. We are both in our early 30s but he seems to have no interest in sex.

Before we married, he was all over me and would always push the envelope sexually despite the fact that I was firm on having us wait until marriage. We also practice NFP.

Now that we’re married, he’s like ready for the retirement home. He says it’s because there isn’t time for it (we have kids), but I just don’t buy that. All he needs to do is make time for it and it could happen. I am always the initiator, which makes me feel sleazy and unwanted. He says he’s not getting off elsewhere (porn/masturbation).

So I find myself sexually frustrated. Not to mention, I would like us to have another baby but he is also not crazy about the idea. Any encouragement or pearls of wisdom would be appreciated.
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Is he Catholic?

If so, it is his marital duty to you to give intercourse when you feel the need, even during fertile periods. He is sinning against God and his family by not fulfilling his duties.

My recommendation would be to put him in a situation where he is unable to find a way to say no. Get the kids away, make a nice meal, and wear something nice for a night with just you two.

If that doesn’t work:
  1. A doctor is in order.
  2. Since he seems to refuse a doctor, a more thorough examination of his personal life is in order. This is extreme, and I would recommend other avenues be extinguished first.
 
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