Lonely wife

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I would like to begin by saying that I am very blessed to have a loving, kind husband. However, after nearly ten years of living with an emotionally unavailable man, I feel very lonely much of the time. I have seen happy times with him, but during that time, I have seen the passing of my grandfather, a miscarriage, gone through Post-Partum depression two times, have been seriously ill after two of my kids were born, etc… At this moment, my father has cancer. All this time, I have hardly had a “I’m here for you” or “Can I do anything for you?” In the past, my husband would say that I was mentally unstable when I cried around him and that I needed to see a doctor. Perhaps I truly was mentally ill, I cannot know for sure, but all I wanted to do in these times was to ignore what he said. I became afraid of crying when he was around, and stopped talking to him when I felt sad. Our marriage suffered badly, and all the time, my husband denied there were any problems, to the point where my physical health began to take a toll.

A few weeks ago, we were out camping with my brother-in-law’s family and a few friends. We were sitting by the fire, when an argument erupted between my youngest son and my daughter. She pushed him away, and I was scared for my life that he would fall into the flames. He did not, but I was terrified. I was so upset and scared that I made her go in the trailer and left for a walk with my son. All this time, my husband was entertaining friends, drinking, and playing the guitar. He hardly seemed to noticed what was unfolding. When I came back, I explained what had happened and my husband said: “Calm down. Even if he would have fallen in, it probably wouldn’t have killed him. You need to get a hold of yourself.” I was shocked, to say the least. Later on, my sister-and-law and my friend came in to talk to me. They were very supportive and I hope God truly blesses them for being there for me at that time. I was too upset to thank them at the time. A few hours later, my husband came in to ask if I needed anything, so I asked for a hug.

This was of course, a unique situation, but it is an example of what my life is on a daily basis. It must be mentioned that my husband was drinking, I’m not sure how intoxicated he was, if at all.

I wish I could talk to my husband about my emotions. I fear that he will say that I am crazy or give my advice about what to do when clearly I just need his emotional support. My father may die from cancer tomorrow, or a year from now, I do not know. But if he fails to support me through that, I honestly don’t know what I will do.

I realize that it takes two to make a marriage work and that I have made MANY mistakes of my own, and am trying to a good wife. I have had horrible pangs of guilt for feeling angry and resentful at my husband, and am doing my best to forgive him in my heart. With time, came the realization that I am a sinner as well and have worsened the situation with my hostility toward him.

We do our best to spend time together each day, but it seems to always be about “his” enjoyment. He won’t sit and watch ANY of the programs that I watch and will leave the room if I do so, but if I want to spend time with him, I have to tolerate watching some shows which are offensive. We no longer have any interests in common. I try to communicate with him about all this, but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. He doesn’t seem to understand my pain at all.

Do you have any advice for me as to where to go from here? Is this emotional neglect/abuse? Your prayers are truly appreciated in this difficult time. Thank you for taking the time to listen to a wearied soul.
 
So sorry to learn of your plight, and I will be praying for you.

That being said, I am constantly amazed at the extent to which many husbands take their wives for granted.

Just as you acknowledge your blessings, so should he–it’s not so common these days to be married to a good wife and mother who is responsible, faithful, supportive, and clearly very patient.

He needs a wake-up call, and hopefully he’ll get it soon.
 
While it sounds like your husband indeed may not be as emotionally supportive as he could / should be it also sounds like (from your example) you might be worrying a little too much.

Some days I end up praying almost constantly during the day saying little “Thank you Lord for protecting me, my wife or one of my sons, mother, family, friend etc…” Some may think that is stupid but I could see your example calling for that. I agree 100% with your response and punishment for your daughter and taking your son for a walk but the fact is, he didn’t fall in and if he would have it would have been a terrible life changing event but as your husband stated… he wouldn’t die. My reaction would have been to thank God for taking care of my son and punishing my other son as you did. But it’s not worth getting too upset about or starting an argument with your husband IMHO. (maybe you guys didn’t argue you just felt like he didn’t listen.)

Now that I have said that I would add that it’s possible that wasn’t a good example and there are other areas that show more.

I can say this from experience though, sometime life can take it toll even on the most skilled and loving husbands (I’m not tooting my own horn here but I believe if you would ask my wife I’ve been very supportive most of our 14 years of marriage and 18 years together).

However there was a time for about 2-3 years where I was not. At the time I couldn’t see that because of all the different things that had happened to us - her parents divorce, my grandmothers death, her grandfathers death, my fathers accident, her fathers “issues” then my fathers sudden death. All of those things over time added up to the point that I was so detached when she had a miscarriage (while trying to get pregnant for the first time) that although I checked on her often, I sat in the other room and played video games. Perhaps I just couldn’t deal with it at the time or perhaps I was just detached but it was poor thing for a husband to do. And this is coming from a former counselor who should know better right?

My point is this, it sounds like you guys have had a LOT going on in your lives. I don’t believe many husbands truly realize the toll a miscarriage takes on someone and the possibility of losing a parent is very traumatic.

So here is my suggestion - take it for what you will. First, continue praying and focus on thanking Him for everything, even the little things and ask that He help you put your trust in Him to ease your worry. Secondly, tell your husband that perhaps he is right, you are too emotional and that you want to have a few family sessions with (a counselor or Priest). This is as much for him as for you.

My wife and I were able to come together after almost falling apart and have been very blessed since. Part of that was US just like part of it will have to be you guys. But part of it was God and part of it was our former Presbyterian Pastor (and my friend - we are converts) who did some family counseling sessions with us and helped us to realize what we were both doing. Sometimes and outside entity can truly help. They might says, yes you are too emotional or they may not, at the same time though they will probably say that your husband should be doing X as well. Remember that the 2 of you are 1, marriage isn’t 50/50 it’s 100/100. If your husband wants to make the suggestion that you need counseling then he needs to be ready to sign up as well 🙂

Marriage is a sacrament and you deserve to be happy and feel loved in your marriage, God wants you to be happy in your marriage and your husband. Sometimes a 3rd party is the best to point out the little things that can slowing pull us apart.

You are in my prayers!
Joe
 
taye said:
I would like to begin by saying that I am very blessed to have a loving, kind husband. However, after nearly ten years of living with an emotionally unavailable man, I feel very lonely much of the time. I have seen happy times with him, but during that time, I have seen the passing of my grandfather, a miscarriage, gone through Post-Partum depression two times, have been seriously ill after two of my kids were born, etc… At this moment, my father has cancer. All this time, I have hardly had a “I’m here for you” or “Can I do anything for you?” In the past, my husband would say that I was mentally unstable when I cried around him and that I needed to see a doctor. Perhaps I truly was mentally ill, I cannot know for sure, but all I wanted to do in these times was to ignore what he said. I became afraid of crying when he was around, and stopped talking to him when I felt sad. Our marriage suffered badly, and all the time, my husband denied there were any problems, to the point where my physical health began to take a toll.

A few weeks ago, we were out camping with my brother-in-law’s family and a few friends. We were sitting by the fire, when an argument erupted between my youngest son and my daughter. She pushed him away, and I was scared for my life that he would fall into the flames. He did not, but I was terrified. I was so upset and scared that I made her go in the trailer and left for a walk with my son. All this time, my husband was entertaining friends, drinking, and playing the guitar. He hardly seemed to noticed what was unfolding. When I came back, I explained what had happened and my husband said: “Calm down. Even if he would have fallen in, it probably wouldn’t have killed him. You need to get a hold of yourself.” I was shocked, to say the least. Later on, my sister-and-law and my friend came in to talk to me. They were very supportive and I hope God truly blesses them for being there for me at that time. I was too upset to thank them at the time. A few hours later, my husband came in to ask if I needed anything, so I asked for a hug.

This was of course, a unique situation, but it is an example of what my life is on a daily basis. It must be mentioned that my husband was drinking, I’m not sure how intoxicated he was, if at all.

I wish I could talk to my husband about my emotions. I fear that he will say that I am crazy or give my advice about what to do when clearly I just need his emotional support. My father may die from cancer tomorrow, or a year from now, I do not know. But if he fails to support me through that, I honestly don’t know what I will do.

I realize that it takes two to make a marriage work and that I have made MANY mistakes of my own, and am trying to a good wife. I have had horrible pangs of guilt for feeling angry and resentful at my husband, and am doing my best to forgive him in my heart. With time, came the realization that I am a sinner as well and have worsened the situation with my hostility toward him.

We do our best to spend time together each day, but it seems to always be about “his” enjoyment. He won’t sit and watch ANY of the programs that I watch and will leave the room if I do so, but if I want to spend time with him, I have to tolerate watching some shows which are offensive. We no longer have any interests in common. I try to communicate with him about all this, but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. He doesn’t seem to understand my pain at all.

Do you have any advice for me as to where to go from here? Is this emotional neglect/abuse? Your prayers are truly appreciated in this difficult time. Thank you for taking the time to listen to a wearied soul.
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In many marriages, the wife is more emotional and more sensitive than the husband. That’s pretty normal. It sounds like you have had a particularly difficult time recently with the illness of your father, and your husband has never learned how to respond to or deal with your emotions. What you describe may not be ideal, but it doesn’t sound like emotional abuse either.

I think our society’s desire to treat men and women equally may be a noble goal, but many spouses end up disappointed because they don’t understand the opposite sex. Individual men and women vary and the “stereotypes” don’t apply to everyone, but we do ourselves a disservice if we deny that–in general–there is a difference between men and women.

I strongly recommend you and your husband read the books “For Women Only” and “For Men Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn. They discuss the common difference drawn from surveys and interviews with Christian men and women. (It’s also not uncommon for men to not want to read books about relationships–so the author included a little “cheat sheet” in the book for men.)
 
First off, let me just send this your way, HUGS. My heart goes out to you. I know where you are coming from. My husband is the same way. He does not give importance to things like a death of a loved one, an illness, a child who needs to be disciplined or comforted because he himself was never given these things. He only has known these things with me. My husband came from a highly dysfunctional family and no one knows how to handle their emotions and they come off as sociopaths. My advice is to sit him down and talk to him. Pour yourself out. Ask him why he doesn’t hurt when you do or offer you comfort. Men are not mind readers. Talk first and see if you can find the root of why he can’t show compassion, care or emotion and cuts you off. Tell him how you feel. If none of this works…definitely seek couples counseling even if he says that there is nothing wrong and you are the one with the problem. If he doesn’t want to go, then you should go for yourself. You need support and an outlet. You will be in my prayers and I hope that this helps. :signofcross:
 
There is a thread nearby about narcissists. Go read it. It may put your husband’s cold, unfeeling behavior in perspective. Emotional abandonment can feel as hurtful as physical abuse sometimes. But I wonder if you have barely scratched the surface of what life with him is really like. Because he doesn’t sound loving and kind from what you say. Normal men don’t tell their crying wives they’re crazy. They hug them and make them feel better.

I’ve been told many times I was crazy. No, I just needed my husband to love me.

You need to spend more time with friends and your family. You need to go to counseling alone to find coping methods that don’t depend on your husband. He has nothing to give in that respect. At the very least he sounds extremely selfish. Maybe he’s not as far gone as some husbands. But you won’t last with all your stress if you only depend upon him for support.

You are going to need to live emotionally without his help. Pray for him. Enjoy what is good about life with him if there is anything, but don’t look for partnership on any terms but his. It will take something very humbling for him to be able to feel anyone else’s pain or feel empathy.

I’m sorry. I know how you feel. It sounds like you get validation for your feelings from your family. That’s a good place to start. They probably have quite a few opinions about his behavior that they are keeping to themselves.

No one can tell you how to feel about life’s events, or how intensely.
 
Most men are more problem solvers than emotional support givers, and it sounds like you two are on both ends of Ithe extreme. Do you think he would attend a Marriage Encounter with you? It is NOT marriage counseling,but a weekend workshop in couples communication. :hug3:
 
Thanks for all your replies and prayers.

My husband had agreed to go to couple’s counseling a month ago. I wonder if he still feels up for it (???) After I mentioned it the last time, things seemed to be going well for a few weeks (maybe it just scared him a bit). As for the marriage encounter, the next time we have an opportunity, we’re going. He already agreed to that. There’s one in June but two of my kids are having their birthday parties that weekend (yes, that’s TWO SEPERATE parties on one weekend - what did I get myself into??).

Liberanosamalo,
I already had looked into the narcissism thread, but I don’t think that describes my husband. Yes, he does seem to be lacking in the empathy department, but apart from that, he doesn’t fit the description.

It’s actually kind of funny that you mention my receiving support from my family. Most of my family aren’t close to me. They love me, but we have our differences. My SIL was the one who comforted me, and believe me, if we were colors on the color wheel, I’d be black and she’d be white.
 
Emotional support is definitely what you’re seeking. You’re not asking for much; all you want is a simple commitment to your emotional needs. Sounds very easy when you are on the receiving end but for whatever reason on the giver’s end, it’s made into being a major hurdle to overcome. I’m sure you’re asking yourself constantly “why would anyone, much less someone who loves me, treat someone they love with such disdain for their feelings?” Obviously your partner isn’t sensing that you currently have emotional needs. Bet you ask yourself “why must I have to endure hours and day after day of anxiety?” Sure “you’re there for them” but why can’t “they be there for you?” You’ve heard every reason under the sun for why your partner won’t make an emotional commitment to your support. Potentially he doesn’t believe “you” have an emotional needs problem. He probably thinks he is supporting you emotionally but he’s not hearing you. Don’t get bitter and more importantly, don’t give up on yourself. You’ll make it! You’ll pray your way through and so will countless others. Rest assured his “need day” will come, ie. he’ll need emotional support from you in “buckets.” Hope you remember the need for emotional support is not gender limited. That is-males have emotional needs and their female partners treat the situation as your husband has. Bet you’ll not be found guilty of denying him “I’m here for you!” “Can I do anything for you?” I’ll pray for you to have peace of mind and joy in your heart and for your husband to correct the error of his ways.

Realize it is extremely difficult to get your current thoughts out of your head, but you can. Read, write it down and then repeat countless times Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not; In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths.”
 
I know how you feel with regards to not having your emotional needs met. My husband can show tons of affection to the dog and a decent amount towards our daughters. When it comes to me, affection and emotional support are clearly an afterthought to him. We’ve talked about it too many times for me to even count. The bottom line is my husband is not very emotional and he thinks that emotions are pointless. My husband does try to make attempts to fulfill those needs for me, but more often than not they fall short or just come across as insincere. It can certainly make you feel lonely. It can be a tough situation to be in at times.
My best advice would be for you to talk to your husband about it. Explain how his lack of emotional support makes you feel, and if your husband is like mine, you’ll probably have to outline specifically how you want him to respond in the areas of emotions. It’s sad, isn’t it? My husband has told me on numerous occasions that I’m too needy (I don’t think this is the case since I’m not an overly emotional person) and that the problem doesn’t lie with him. He told me recently that his co-workers commented on his inability to show emotion/compassion. They liken him to a cyborg (and I agree). I’m just happy to see that I’m not the only one who sees that he’s emotionally deficient.
I don’t recall my husband being like this before we got married, but I didn’t need to rely on him for emotional support as heavily as I do now before we had children. Once we had our first daughter I came to the startling realization that he was not emotionally supportive. I’ve been married to him for 9 1/2 years now and have been in a relationship with him for 13. So it was nearly 5 years into our relationship that I discovered that we had a problem. He has gotten better with showing some emotion, but it can still be very lonely at times for me. Even more intimate areas of our marriage often seem devoid of emotion from him.
It’s not fun, but take comfort in knowing that your aren’t alone in this situation.
 
I’m a woman. I’ve been married for 30 years.

I’m going to pass on some excellent advice that Dr. James Dobson gives in his books. I learned it during my early years of marriage and took it to heart back in those days when I had babies and young children.

A woman often needs more emotional support and conversation than a man needs. When their husband does not give them this support and conversation, many wives are upset, lonely, and often angry at their husbands.

But they shouldn’t be. Their husband is NOT their girlfriend or their sister. He’s a husband. He can’t give them what they need because he’s not a girlfriend.

Some husbands are more like women, and they have learned to give support, talk things over, cuddle, etc. I would say that my husband is like this–he was raised primarily by his mom and grandma, and they imparted many “feminine” traits to him, namely the ability to listen and talk with women.

But many husbands learned how to be a “man” from another man (their father or brother, perhaps?) and they truly have NO IDEA how to be a “girlfriend” to their wives. They prefer a problem-solving approach. They just want to solve the problem as quickly as possible, while women insist on talking over a problem for hours and analyzing every aspect of the problem and even writing down various solutions to the problem. Men get irritated with their wives. But another woman will understand perfectly the need to discuss every aspect of the problem and spend a lot of time thinking and talking before finally making a decision about action to solve the problem.

So Dr. Dobson recommends that the wife needs to look elsewhere to fulfil her extra emotional needs and her need to talk, discuss, analyze, agonize, and cry it out.

Dr. Dobson recommends that all married women develop a network of “girlfriends” with which to chat, giggle, cry, laugh, hug, and especially TALK TALK TALK!

I think that Dr. Dobson’s advice is excellent. If you look at women through the ages, you will discover that women have always enjoyed friendships with other women, and often arrange their workday to be with other women doing chores together and talking, talking, talking! I have a Laotian friend, and she tells me that all the women in her church (Evangelical Free) get together on Saturday morning to make their week’s supply of eggrolls, and they talk the whole time. African women often do chores together. And American women have done this for years. My mother had a little group of “pals” that she would call almost every day just to chat. And so did my grandma.

Dr. Dobson is NOT saying that other women should become a replacement for the husband. He’s just saying that women should not expect their husbands to be “girlfriends.”

So my recommendation to taye is to find some female friends to pal around with, relax with, chat things over, have fun with, and hopefully, pray with. You don’t need to have lots of female friends. One or two is fine. Look for them in your parish.
 
Cat said:
I’m a woman. I’ve been married for 30 years.

I’m going to pass on some excellent advice that Dr. James Dobson gives in his books. I learned it during my early years of marriage and took it to heart back in those days when I had babies and young children…Dr. Dobson recommends that all married women develop a network of “girlfriends” with which to chat, giggle, cry, laugh, hug, and especially TALK TALK TALK!
…Dr. Dobson is NOT saying that other women should become a replacement for the husband. He’s just saying that women should not expect their husbands to be “girlfriends.” …
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Cat, that is such good advice you shared! Thanks! It seems that sometimes counselors do what good friends used to do for each other for free. (Not that every friend gives wise counsel, but sometimes counselors aren’t all that wise either.)

One word of caution: I have encountered some women who get together and then proceed to primarily complain about their husbands. Not good. Stay away from that situation. Wise friends chat, share and support each other–without husband bashing.
 
Great advice! I was saying kind of the same thing about family support.

Problem with some men is that then when you get on the phone with your mom or sisters or friends to fill the need he doesn’t fill, he blows a gasket and tells you to cut the apron strings, ridicules the sisters or denigrates the friends as unworthy. But most men don’t mind if their wife has outside emotional attachments.
 
taye said:
Thanks for all your replies and prayers.

My husband had agreed to go to couple’s counseling a month ago. I wonder if he still feels up for it (???) After I mentioned it the last time, things seemed to be going well for a few weeks (maybe it just scared him a bit). As for the marriage encounter, the next time we have an opportunity, we’re going. He already agreed to that. There’s one in June but two of my kids are having their birthday parties that weekend (yes, that’s TWO SEPERATE parties on one weekend - what did I get myself into??)…
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My heart goes out to you as well. My first thought to your original post was to suggest that you literally copy & paste what you wrote into a word doc, print it on some pretty paper, put it in an envelope and give it to him.

Yeah, you could sit down to try to talk, but if you tend to be more emotional, I predict it won’t be 2 mins b/f you either derail yourself or you end up crying, and that will more than likely just frustrate him. Before long, he’ll just be tuning you out, “goodie, we’re talking to ‘that’ taye today…:rolleyes:.” Honestly, the beauty of an M.E. weekend, wwme.org/ is that you do a lot of “talking” via writing. You get to say everything you want to each other, and there’s no interuptions and you’re by yourselves - no group therapy, none of the typical “marriage/couples counseling” stuff. You focus JUST on the two of you. wwme.org/ AND you get to listen to some awesome talks from the panel conducting the weekend.
My husband and I went on one b/f we even hit 1 yr of marriage, just to see what it would be like. Here we are over 10 yrs later and every now n’ then, we still talk about it. It’s that powerful. Go, go, go to that June weekend. wwme.org/
Honestly, I’d seriously consider doing the bday parties the week before, or after, or making some other arrangement. Nothing is more important than your marriage right now. wwme.org/

are you packing yet?

wwme.org/

😃
 
I know all too well how you feel. After 5 years of (what I now realize was) emotional abuse, I left my husband. He never tried to make our relationship work. He never had time for me; there was always something else to do, “business before pleasure.” (I heard those words sooooo many times) I never imagined I’d be heading for divorce court but unless a miracle occurs, that’s where things are going. I have been praying and praying for my husband and my family. I wish that at the very least my husband would do couples’ counselling but he refuses. He says he doesn’t have a problem. My kids and I deserve much better. Even if I cannot have my marriage annulled, I will be better off alone with my kids. He also has made NO attempts to contact the kids since we left. Very sad. That doesn’t say much about him, does it?

I wish I had more to offer you than prayers. I hope that counselling and the marriage encounter work for you.
 
I want to thank everyone for all the support and prayers. It was truly appreciated. I figured it was time for an update, so here goes…

We had a wonderful weekend! On Saturday, we went out on a date and he treated me like a princess the whole time. We even had a discussion regarding NFP and agreed to relax our rules a bit. He hasn’t been involved with NFP-related decisions (except for when to TTA/TTC), so this is a first for us!! Yesterday, HE asked me to cuddle with him on the couch.

I honestly don’t know what happened! Honey, have you been snooping? I’m sure it has something to do with the prayers… We were talking yesterday about how well things were going, and he couldn’t understand what was going on either. He said that I just looked happier. I guess having a supportive online family can’t hurt a bit in that regard.🙂

I totally agree with Cat that I need to spend more time with my girlfriends. I realize that I made the fatal mistake when dating my hubby of spending virtually no time with my other friends. I’ve been going to a neighborhood friend lately. She runs a daycare at home, so my son can play with the other children and I can gab. It’s definitely a win-win situation!

As for going to ME, it’s not going to happen this summer. We’re too busy this time of year, and it’s camping season. In autumn, we will be going. We are good friends with the organizers, so they will be contacting us when the have the dates.

Things are looking up, and I pray they stay that way. I’m starting to look forward to our tenth wedding anniversary this year with joy!
 
It’s really nice to hear something positive. So often the news only gets worse and worse! I hope things continue to improve for you. 👍
 
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