lonely wife

[jenreg]

my husband has cardiac problems, he cannot have sex, and honestly rejects any display of affection. I occasionally pleasure myself and wonder if this is a sin. I think because I am married and have not engaged in lovemaking with my husband for almost 20 years, it is hard to always stop my feelings from coming up. Can anyone help? Any advice? I asked a priest in confession once and he said it would be okay if I was tired…but I did not elaborate on my situation.

 

[Vico]

my husband has cardiac problems, he cannot have sex, and honestly rejects any display of affection. I occasionally pleasure myself and wonder if this is a sin. I think because I am married and have not engaged in lovemaking with my husband for almost 20 years, it is hard to always stop my feelings from coming up. Can anyone help? Any advice? I asked a priest in confession once and he said it would be okay if I was tired…but I did not elaborate on my situation.

The Catechism has this on the topic:

2352 By *masturbation *is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. "Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action."138 “The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of "the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved."139
To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability.

 

[Sean_St_Jude]

What did the priest say was OK? I hope that since you say you didn’t mention all, he didn’t say masturbation is OK since it is a sin. At this point you are called to a state of chastity within marriage and I would recommend intensifying your prayer life. My prayer life and the Holy Eucharist have helped me maintain my chastity, totally, for fourteen years. And I can now say I have been able to maintain my chastity although my affliction wasn’t for the totality of the time.

As a man who has cardiac problems, I too have suffered from what your husband suffers and thought that maybe your husband is ashamed of having lost his virility and that’s why he is not receptive. Does he push you away completely? If not, you can advance your love life little by little. It really has a lot to do with your shared faith, respect for one another, ability to communicate, and other factors I don’t know about. Have you talked to a priest?

 

[TheAdvocate]

my husband has cardiac problems, he cannot have sex, and honestly rejects any display of affection. I occasionally pleasure myself and wonder if this is a sin. I think because I am married and have not engaged in lovemaking with my husband for almost 20 years, it is hard to always stop my feelings from coming up. Can anyone help? Any advice? I asked a priest in confession once and he said it would be okay if I was tired…but I did not elaborate on my situation.

First of all, the situation you find yourself in breaks my heart. I’m very sorry for what you’re going through.

Masturbation should be avoided, however, based on the Catholic Church’s teaching and your circumstances, I believe your culpability is greatly diminished. 20 years…wow, that’s tough.

Did you talk to your husband about how you feel? I imagine you must have. If possible, I would go to a sex therapist (one who can respect Catholic teaching) and a cardiologist together with your husband. Maybe there is a way.

I would also continue seeking the counsel of a good priest, one with a sound pastoral sense.

 

[Sean_St_Jude]

I believe your culpability is greatly diminished.

Even if her culpability would be diminished, why allow sin in and offend God instead of loving Him above all things and being true to Him? Even a venial sin is an offense against God, and to my understanding, I don’t know how her helping nature out would be venial.

 

[Groo]

I am so sorry for what you are going through and have gone through; that is heartbreaking. And I appreciate your courage in sharing your story; you certainly are not alone.

What I read into your post is that you have attempted to suppress your emotions over the years. It seems to work for awhile, but eventually your emotions come to the surface and overwhelm you. Masturbation is a kind of last ditch effort to block your feelings and replace them, at least temporarily, with some better feelings.

I’m not sure if I have any advice per se, but I can share what has worked for me in dealing with difficult emotions.

The very best outlet for me is spending time with friends. I have a support group that I can lean on when I am going through difficult times. If I cannot meet in person, I make phone calls. The calls don’t have to be deep conversations or anything, but just connecting with another human being helps.

Journaling has also helped me. For me there is something therapeutic about writing how I am feeling.

Therapy could be an option if you have the means. I’m not suggesting there is something wrong with you by any means, but a therapist should have professional training and you are guaranteed confidentiality. A good therapist can help you work through your emotions in a healthier way.

In summary, I think your attempt to suppress your emotions is driving you to masturbation. Though prayer is always good, merely praying for the strength not to masturbate isn’t going to help. Healthier outlets for expressing your feelings will.

 

[white_sheep]

Medical opinions have changed a lot over the last 20 years. That is if the rule is that he isn’t supposed to as opposed to incapable. I don’t think having a cardiac problem would necessarily rule out all relations. Just a thought.

 

[LongingSoul]

my husband has cardiac problems, he cannot have sex, and honestly rejects any display of affection. I occasionally pleasure myself and wonder if this is a sin. I think because I am married and have not engaged in lovemaking with my husband for almost 20 years, it is hard to always stop my feelings from coming up. Can anyone help? Any advice? I asked a priest in confession once and he said it would be okay if I was tired…but I did not elaborate on my situation.

You are in a difficult situation, jenreg. His rejection of all closeness to you is a real trial on many levels. The problem is that masturbation is objectively sinful and diminishes your spirit. Suffering of this nature is an opportunity to rely more heavily on Gods help and comfort and embody the radiance of Our Lady and her purity. I have a real admiration for the glow of a pure woman. They really make the wonderfulness of Mary meaningful to all those around them.

God bless.

 

[Aaahm28]

If a loving father finds their child masturbating is he going to kick them out the house? No he will try help them overcome in some wise way.

In the same way if you love your Father in heaven and occasionally slip up because the emotions exceeded your ability to abstain and yet you never say it is not wrong and intend to try harder in the future, will your Father in heaven love you less? Off course not.

Just go to reconciliation and recognise when it happens and then avoid that situation in the future and move on.

You need to go to counselling about the affection deflection issue, preferably together!

 

[SuperLuigi]

my husband has cardiac problems, he cannot have sex, and honestly rejects any display of affection. I occasionally pleasure myself and wonder if this is a sin. I think because I am married and have not engaged in lovemaking with my husband for almost 20 years, it is hard to always stop my feelings from coming up. Can anyone help? Any advice? I asked a priest in confession once and he said it would be okay if I was tired…but I did not elaborate on my situation.

Well, you need to ask your confessor IF and WHEN masturbation is a mortal as a start.

It’s not a good thing for you to be doing this.

 

[on_the_hill]

To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability.

[/INDENT]

Even if her culpability would be diminished, why allow sin in and offend God instead of loving Him above all things and being true to Him? Even a venial sin is an offense against God, and to my understanding, I don’t know how her helping nature out would be venial.

The problem is that masturbation is objectively sinful and diminishes your spirit.

I’m confused.

 

[Vico]

I’m confused.

The different statements are on different aspects: the objective sin itself, the gravity of the sin, and culpability for doing it.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

2349 “People should cultivate [chastity] in the way that is suited to their state of life. Some profess virginity or consecrated celibacy which enables them to give themselves to God alone with an undivided heart in a remarkable manner. Others live in the way prescribed for all by the moral law, whether they are married or single.” Married people are called to live conjugal chastity; others practice chastity in continence:

There are three forms of the virtue of chastity: the first is that of spouses, the second that of widows, and the third that of virgins. We do not praise any one of them to the exclusion of the others. . . . This is what makes for the richness of the discipline of the Church.

I have been playing with how and why God introduces us to loneliness. We first read about Adam experiencing loneliness in the Garden of Eden before original sin while he was in the presence of God. We also see angels separating from God creating loneliness; souls also separating from God. Jesus on the cross cry’s to God, “why have you forsaken me”? Then there is the BVM Mary who was widowed early; left to witness the Crusifiction of her son. I have not discovered the deeper meaning of loneliness. My newest wondering is God lonly? If He is, do we experience his loneliness?

 

[KatieM2]

If a loving father finds their child masturbating is he going to kick them out the house? No he will try help them overcome in some wise way.

I agree with this. What you’ve been doing is a mortal sin, and you have to stop. But confessing it, to your priest and to your husband, and soliciting their and God’s help to give up, are the solution. You can do it!

For instance it may be that even if your husband cannot have intercourse with you, some additional emotional support might prevent you from needing to seek short-term pleasure through sin.

 

[AnnArbor]

I agree with this. What you’ve been doing is a mortal sin, and you have to stop. But confessing it, to your priest and to your husband, and soliciting their and God’s help to give up, are the solution. You can do it!

For instance it may be that even if your husband cannot have intercourse with you, some additional emotional support might prevent you from needing to seek short-term pleasure through sin.

Why would she confess it to her husband? This seems to fall into the category of something that would (perhaps) alleviate her feelings of guilt, and burden him with hurt.

 

[KatieM2]

Why would she confess it to her husband? This seems to fall into the category of something that would (perhaps) alleviate her feelings of guilt, and burden him with hurt.

I don’t believe there should be secrets within a marriage. And if she received spiritual love and support from him, she would be better equipped to live without the carnal pleasure he is unable to give her and that she is currently, sinfully, providing for herself.

 

[Groo]

I don’t believe there should be secrets within a marriage. And if she received spiritual love and support from him, she would be better equipped to live without the carnal pleasure he is unable to give her and that she is currently, sinfully, providing for herself.

He may see how his lack of emotional support affects her. Or, he may see her actions as additional evidence that he is a failure as a husband. And that could drive him further away from her. It’s a delicate matter.

 

[pensmama87]

He may see how his lack of emotional support affects her. Or, he may see her actions as additional evidence that he is a failure as a husband. And that could drive him further away from her. It’s a delicate matter.

I agree. I think she needs to be honest with him about how she feels, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she has to go into detail. “I am really struggling with our lack of intimacy and I’d like to figure out how we can continue being loving with each other despite the health problems we are having,” or maybe something like that, could be a start.

 

[USMC_Convert]

Arent you the one that believes in no pleasure whatsoever except fully clothed straight short intercourse which only happens by accident when baby making?

QUOTE=KatieM2;12253122]I agree with this. What you’ve been doing is a mortal sin, and you have to stop. But confessing it, to your priest and to your husband, and soliciting their and God’s help to give up, are the solution. You can do it!

For instance it may be that even if your husband cannot have intercourse with you, some additional emotional support might prevent you from needing to seek short-term pleasure through sin.

 

[KatieM2]

Arent you the one that believes in no pleasure whatsoever except fully clothed straight short intercourse which only happens by accident when baby making?

QUOTE=KatieM2;12253122]I agree with this. What you’ve been doing is a mortal sin, and you have to stop. But confessing it, to your priest and to your husband, and soliciting their and God’s help to give up, are the solution. You can do it!

For instance it may be that even if your husband cannot have intercourse with you, some additional emotional support might prevent you from needing to seek short-term pleasure through sin.

That’s not what I said! I enjoy sex with my husband, and I believe that’s God’s plan. I just think we should be able to enjoy sex without needing to be masturbated.