Long Distance Relationship Advice

[xjim]

Hi everyone, I am new here and wanted to ask a question to maybe get some advice for myself and my girlfriend.We are 2 years into a very long distance relationship, we are both Catholic and we get to see eachother about on average every couple of months but it has been longer at times.We love each other very much but we are really struggling with keeping our love strong while we are apart- often our communication turns into arguments therefore we were looking for tips or advice on how to keep our love strong and growing.We have been considering on going to counselling but realize this would only really work if we could go together in person. Also I will be hopefuly moving to the US soon so we can pursue a more normal relationship together. Any advice kindly welcomed.
jim

 

[1ke]

If you are struggling to keep the relationship going and argue frequently, then perhaps it is not the long distance component but the relationship itself that is the problem.

My DH and I dated long distance 2 years before marrying, and we did not find it necessary to try to “keep” our love strong, nor did we argue.

I would suggest that you might find someone more suitable for you elsewhere than in this relationship.

If you move to be in the same location and continue to struggle and argue-- move on.

 

[dianaballein]

Hi everyone, I am new here and wanted to ask a question to maybe get some advice for myself and my girlfriend.We are 2 years into a very long distance relationship, we are both Catholic and we get to see eachother about on average every couple of months but it has been longer at times.We love each other very much but we are really struggling with keeping our love strong while we are apart- often our communication turns into arguments therefore we were looking for tips or advice on how to keep our love strong and growing.We have been considering on going to counselling but realize this would only really work if we could go together in person. Also I will be hopefuly moving to the US soon so we can pursue a more normal relationship together. Any advice kindly welcomed.
jim

Jim,

I will pray for you both. I have been in that situation myself and it is difficult to be apart from the one you love. Often, misunderstandings do turn into arguments and many times, over silly things that are nothing but garbage. The real issue is being separated and needing to reconnect. Even the strongest of loves are tested.

If this is truly the woman you are meant to be with, take time to remember why you fell in love. List things if it helps. Remember why you connected in the first place, and how you have grown. Separation makes it difficult to nurture. Always reassure, and find little ways to show her how much she means to you, even miles and miles away. Most importantly, never take one another for granted. That can be easy to do when you are “out of sight”…you don’t want the “out of mind”. Again, my prayers to you both.

 

[metalking2u]

Hi all,
This is Jim’s girlfriend and we are posting this together.
Thank you Diana, so much for your kind words and especially for your prayers.
Both of us come from backgrounds where good communication is not a strong point in the family. We both want very much to overcome this and are not ready to give up. We both love each other and know that our problems will not go away by just starting a new relationship.
Anyone who has any advice who was in our shoes or just advice about bettering communication between couples would be greatly appreciated!
God Bless,
M

 

[1ke]

Greg Popcak’s book For Better… Forever is a good book on Catholic marriage and communication. Perhaps you could each get a copy and read it together.

 

[dianaballein]

Hi all,
This is Jim’s girlfriend and we are posting this together.
Thank you Diana, so much for your kind words and especially for your prayers.
Both of us come from backgrounds where good communication is not a strong point in the family. We both want very much to overcome this and are not ready to give up. We both love each other and know that our problems will not go away by just starting a new relationship.
Anyone who has any advice who was in our shoes or just advice about bettering communication between couples would be greatly appreciated!
God Bless,
M

M,

You are most welcome. I really hope things work out for the both of you. You seem like nice people with good intentions. Just reaching out to ask for help is major. If you know you were not taught how to communicate well, taking steps to avoid the pitfalls that come along with that says alot about how committed you both are to the success of loving each other.

 

[Saintlucy]

Darlings,

I can’t give advice from my own experience but that of my parents. My father was a regular soldier when they met (Grenadier Guards.) My mother was six years older than him. They fell in love at first sight This was in 1936. He was stationed in London, as he was guarding the royal palaces and the Bank of England etc. My mum was in Bristol. Not far - 120 miles but in those days without motorways (freeways) and high-speed trains, they didn’t see each other very often. Everything was done by letter. No emails in those days and no mobile phones.

They married in July 1939. My dad was on the reserve and when war broke out in September he was one of the first to go to France. He was at Dunkirk and invalided out in 1942. He was so badly injured that it took over a year to get home. Not once did my parents doubt their love for each other. Distance meant nothing. They were married for 63 years when he died in 2002. Mum is still alive at 98 and I look after her. She is still in love with him.

If you don’t have these deep feelings that tell you that you would go anywhere and do anything for each other, stop now. It worries me that you even question your feelings or the situation you are in. If you truly love each other, nothing will stop you being together.

 

[dianaballein]

Darlings,

I can’t give advice from my own experience but that of my parents. My father was a regular soldier when they met (Grenadier Guards.) My mother was six years older than him. They fell in love at first sight This was in 1936. He was stationed in London, as he was guarding the royal palaces and the Bank of England etc. My mum was in Bristol. Not far - 120 miles but in those days without motorways (freeways) and high-speed trains, they didn’t see each other very often. Everything was done by letter. No emails in those days and no mobile phones.

They married in July 1939. My dad was on the reserve and when war broke out in September he was one of the first to go to France. He was at Dunkirk and invalided out in 1942. He was so badly injured that it took over a year to get home. Not once did my parents doubt their love for each other. Distance meant nothing. They were married for 63 years when he died in 2002. Mum is still alive at 98 and I look after her. She is still in love with him.

If you don’t have these deep feelings that tell you that you would go anywhere and do anything for each other, stop now. It worries me that you even question your feelings or the situation you are in. If you truly love each other, nothing will stop you being together.

What wonderful role models you had growing up. I teared up just reading this lovely love story.

 

[Saintlucy]

What wonderful role models you had growing up. I teared up just reading this lovely love story.

Thank you. Yes I did. However, it wasn’t a bed of roses. I miss him so much. Their example does give me the strength to look after her. It is so difficult.

When they celebrated their diamond wedding in 1999, all their children and grandchildren were present. They renewed their vows and the priest even put the stole around their hands. His homily was about fidelity and it led to my nephew asking his girlfriend to marry him. They now have 6 year-old twins.

 

[metalking2u]

This is M again. Jim and my thread kinda got off track…anyone else?

 

[sheilathebard]

I completely disagree with the people who are saying “if long distance is hard, you shouldn’t be together.” I think it is almost always hard, and those wonderful role models we have probably had it hard too, but kept their chins up about it.

I am in a long-distance relationship myself; only 300 miles, but money is scarce, so …

The fact is, it’s hard to connect on the phone.

Things that help:

1. Try online chat (Gmail is what we use). It helps you stay connected about the little things that are going on. We don’t tend to discuss really important things on there, though.
2. Get a cellphone with free nighttime minutes.
3. Remember the good times you’ve had when you’re together. This is hard, for some reason … keep pictures, love notes, whatever, to remind you.
4. Write real letters. Emails work too. But when you’re writing instead of talking, you can work out what’s on your mind more easily sometimes.
5. Remember that you have to be very, very selfless, because you do not “get a lot of out of” a long-distance relationship. You give a lot, and it sometimes gets lost in transit or something. You have to be super patient to avoid misunderstanding what they say on the phone. My fiance and I would fight a lot on the phone just because of silly misunderstandings – I would always assume he meant the worst possible thing. Assume the best, it’s probably what was meant.
6. They have video chat these days! People have told me it makes a huge difference.
7. When my parents were long-distance, they would read the same books, so they would always have something to talk about. They felt it put them “on the same page,” so to speak (no pun intended).
8. Send real snail-mail letters, and enclose cute things like snapshots, doodles, whatever. My parents have this one magazine ad they both thought was hilarious, and they send it back and forth to each other.

…and lots more! Anyone else have any ideas?

 

[TryingOptimism]

Those are a lot of good suggestions. The only one I can think of on top of that is to pray together. It can be hard to do, especially on the phone, but it will get easier.

I think that the long-term success of the relationship really depends on what kind of arguments you’re having.

Remember though that love is a decision that you have to make, and it’s not always easy, whether you’re far apart or not.

 

[graceandglory]

If you are struggling to keep the relationship going and argue frequently, then perhaps it is not the long distance component but the relationship itself that is the problem.

My DH and I dated long distance 2 years before marrying, and we did not find it necessary to try to “keep” our love strong, nor did we argue.

.

I agree with 1ke.

I have found a really good book about discernment. I suggest that you find a copy and work through it by yourself, and then together.

amazon.com/Exclamation-Choice-Spouse-Catholic-Marriage/dp/1413469353
The Exclamation: The Wise Choice of a Spouse for Catholic Marriage. by Patricia Wrona.

 

[SimpleGift]

Someone suggested IMing. That is a great idea! My boyfriend and I were long-distance for a while and now are 30-45 minutes away, so we still IM all the time.

IMing is good because, interestingly, it can lead to very personal discussions. Some people feel more open talking over IM. Talk about religion, morality, what you want out of life. It helps get a good sense of if the two of you are on the same page–and the development the two of you need to go through to come closer to each other.

Best of luck.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

My fiance and I have been long distance ever since we met, 3 and a half years ago, and we will be long distance up until the day we get married this summer. We see each other usually once a month, except now he’s even further away for the next 3 months, and I won’t get to see him in person until he returns. I agree with the others that said to learn how to communicate more effectively, so you can figure out if your arguments are caused by differences that would cause problems in a marriage, or just communication issues. Try to identify if one of you is just in a bad mood and is being argumentative because of that, or whether there are real problems. Whenever my fiance and I have an argument, we have always been able to work it out, and have felt closer to understanding each other afterwords. Don’t be afraid to write out your thoughts in an email, so you can work out what you want to say.

Skype is awesome, btw! Free voice and video chat, all you need is internet, and the right hardware. www.skype.com

 

[metalking2u]

Greg Popcak’s book For Better… Forever is a good book on Catholic marriage and communication. Perhaps you could each get a copy and read it together.

Thank you - I have heard this is a good book. My favorite priest who we has been advising us just recommended Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. I am hoping this gives us some good insight.**

 

[metalking2u]

I completely disagree with the people who are saying “if long distance is hard, you shouldn’t be together.” I think it is almost always hard, and those wonderful role models we have probably had it hard too, but kept their chins up about it.

I am in a long-distance relationship myself; only 300 miles, but money is scarce, so …

The fact is, it’s hard to connect on the phone.

Things that help:

1. Try online chat (Gmail is what we use). It helps you stay connected about the little things that are going on. We don’t tend to discuss really important things on there, though.
2. Get a cellphone with free nighttime minutes.
3. Remember the good times you’ve had when you’re together. This is hard, for some reason … keep pictures, love notes, whatever, to remind you.
4. Write real letters. Emails work too. But when you’re writing instead of talking, you can work out what’s on your mind more easily sometimes.
5. Remember that you have to be very, very selfless, because you do not “get a lot of out of” a long-distance relationship. You give a lot, and it sometimes gets lost in transit or something. You have to be super patient to avoid misunderstanding what they say on the phone. My fiance and I would fight a lot on the phone just because of silly misunderstandings – I would always assume he meant the worst possible thing. Assume the best, it’s probably what was meant.
6. They have video chat these days! People have told me it makes a huge difference.
7. When my parents were long-distance, they would read the same books, so they would always have something to talk about. They felt it put them “on the same page,” so to speak (no pun intended).
8. Send real snail-mail letters, and enclose cute things like snapshots, doodles, whatever. My parents have this one magazine ad they both thought was hilarious, and they send it back and forth to each other.

…and lots more! Anyone else have any ideas?

Thanks Sheila. These are great tips! Your #5 is KEY and I think the reason why long-distance is so hard sometimes - whenever we are selfish it is harder to recover I think cause in person you can just make up with a hug, make the other laugh by being silly etc. Long distance you can’t see the expression in their eyes or read their body language so it is easier I think to misunderstand.

 

[metalking2u]

Someone suggested IMing. That is a great idea! My boyfriend and I were long-distance for a while and now are 30-45 minutes away, so we still IM all the time.

IMing is good because, interestingly, it can lead to very personal discussions. Some people feel more open talking over IM. Talk about religion, morality, what you want out of life. It helps get a good sense of if the two of you are on the same page–and the development the two of you need to go through to come closer to each other.

Best of luck.

You are SO right. We used to do this all the time and had some great heart to hearts this way. Thanks!

 

[sheilathebard]

Also – just because some people have no problem with a long-distance relationship doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be hard, that you shouldn’t argue. My fiance and I argue a lot, together or apart, but generally we argue in a healthy, respectful way, and it doesn’t mean we’re not great together – just that we’re not afraid to voice disagreements.

Over the phone, as someone pointed out, you can’t see their eyes and know what they meant.

Also, another bit about the selfless part. Talking on the phone is not always “fun.” Last night my roommate and I had friends over, and we were having a really good time and a great conversation. Then my fiance called. He had a bad stomachache and had had a pretty rotten day, so he didn’t really have much to say. He was trying to be good company, but I could hear the laughter from the other room and part of me was thinking, “I could be having so much fun out there!” But then I realized, sometimes the best thing you could be doing is not “fun” at the moment. Spending 15 minutes to talk to my fiance, even if he’s not the life of the party, is still “worth it.” You just have to remember that it’s not their fault if things aren’t always perfect, if you don’t have a wonderfully deep and romantic conversation with every phone call.

The question is, do you love each other enough to make up the arguments, even on the phone where it’s not so easy? Do you still connect sometimes, and find those things that the two of you love to talk about? When you think about the times when you were together, does it seem like that could happen again – that it wasn’t just a swoony time of head-over-heels romance, but a real relationship?

Those are much more important questions, in my opinion, than “do you fight?” My fiance’s best friend would always ask me, “Aren’t people in love not supposed to fight?” I think that’s crazy – no matter who I was with, I would probably argue with them sometimes. My parents argue all the time and are deeply in love. It’s a matter of trying to listen, to say things in a way that won’t wound, to try to hear things as not meant to be hurtful, to talk as long as it takes to get to the bottom of a disagreement. (That being said, with a lot of these fights, the simplest cure is to get off the phone, go to bed, and call back tomorrow. They may evaporate by then. Sometimes fights are caused by circumstances on the other end of the line that they didn’t mention – a bad day at work, whatever.)

At any rate, I commend you for sticking out the long-distance, and I am sure it will make you both a little holier if you let it. Do you go to daily Mass? Because every time you receive Communion, you’re unified with all the other people who do – including people at a different Mass thousands of miles away. If both of you seek Christ’s Heart, you will find one another there.