Long distance relationship & Chastity

[Mike12]

I have a problem slightly related to some previously mentioned. I am in a long term relationship and have been for about a year. We live about 200 miles apart and visit each other (i.e. stay at each others homes Friday to Sunday) pretty much every weekend. About the first half year, things were OK. At the time, I was not practicing my faith. She is a non-denominational Christian and she was not really practicing either. Sometime last Summer I started considering the need to go to Church. Since then it has been quite rocky.

About four moths ago I decided that I needed to make a change in the relationship. I decided we were no longer to have sex, among other things (regular Mass attendance). Because she actually has a wellspring of deep Christian faith inside of her, she could understand and I believe even appreciated the change. However, given the stated policy, it has not always worked so well in practice.

I am concerned about a number of possible proximate causes of sin. However, I am really troubled as to the consequences. I am not really sure how to elliminate them and persue this long distance relationship. So we have a number of possible problems.
The first problem is passionate kissing. This is something I know she loves. It usually doesn’t proceed much further, but it leads me to seriously want to sin. The second problem is that we sleep in the same bed. Again, this is soemthing she likes quite a bit, and in fact she can’t sleep if I stay awake quitely in another room. This rarely leads to what I consider mortal sin, but I can’t say that I am not sometimes tempted by it. We wear clothes, usually I am covered pretty much from neck to ankle. In both of these areas, we don’t usually proceed beyond what we intend, and that is in part because I try very hard not to.

Anyway, I don’t know how to handle this. My instincts are that both these things shouldn’t be done. I wonder if I am being to hardcore. I also wonder if it is wrong to spend the night with each other. I don’t really see much option. I don’t know how to persue this type of relationship without actually spending the night. I don’t even know how to make a long distance relationship like this work.

 

[Just_wondering]

I’m in a kind of similar situation, but not exactly. My BF and I see each other twice a month, just Saturday evening to Sunday afternoon. It’s hard, isn’t it? Here’s what works for us.

1. Have friends over a lot. My BF usually come over to my place, and he generally brings friends with him. We don’t have a lot of “alone time” at my house, just because it can get tempting. It gets frustrating not having time to talk alone, but usually it’s okay.
2. Do you have a spare bed? I’m lucky enough to have a spare room, and a couch as well. “I have trouble sleeping when you’re awake” isn’t really such a great excuse - when you’re married, will she insist that you go to bed at the same time as her every night? It’s good if you can have similar schedules, but she has to learn to sleep with other people around, and not in the same bed!Sometimes my boyfriend and I sleep fully clothed in the same bed, but it’s really not a good idea - he and I both know we’re safer with him farther away. I know I feel more comfortable just knowing he’s in the house with me.
3. Putting yourself in a situation that’s seriously tempting you to sin is not good. That means that if you’re tempted when you kiss passionately, don’t do it. For me and my boyfriend, it means sitting on the kitchen chairs, instead of on the couch together, when we’re watching a movie. Yeah, it feels like a hardship not to be able to snuggle, but nobody said it would be easy.
4. Long distance relationships are hard. My boyfriend and I are in touch by telephone every day. When we’re not able to see each other for a long time, we step up the calls and texts. On a normal day, if we’ve seen each other recently, 3 or 4 texts and maybe a short 5 minute conversation keep us feeling close. By Thursday, we’re text chatting on our breaks at work, and we probably exchange 20 texts a day. We also talk longer on the phone, about 20 minutes every other day. When we’ve spent a week or two apart, or if we have something serious to discuss, we might talk on the phone for an hour.

I love that my boyfriend is never out of touch with me. I know what he’s doing, who he’s going out with, and how work went every day. To someone else, it might feel like we’re controlling each other, but to us it feels good. We may live farther apart than we’d like, but we feel closer than ever, while still having time to see our own friends. And on the weekend, we spend time with mutual friends, so it’s the best of all worlds. I’m not saying that I don’t long to be married to him and to live in the same place, but for what we can do at the moment, it’s as good as we can hope for.

Good luck with your relationship.

 

[LittleOne1]

Hey Mike12,
Let me first start off by saying that it is wonderful you are recieving the Lords light and want to change. Your concerns are warranted ones. The first thing to you have to do to address these problems is talking between her and you. This is the difficult task as she may see why avoiding sex maybe good, but sees the others as acceptable norms and even good for the relationship itself. The typical excuse is something along the lines of that stuff helping you grow together romantically and why feel guilty about it?
This is when you have to come in and explain to her what all this stuff does to you. It all places you into a position of wanting to sin. It is like dangling the carrot in front of a hungery rabbit and pulling it along to tease it. One of these days the rabbit will get the carrot, but in the mean time suffer. You are suffering now remaining chaste because you are doing activities that are restricted to married couples. Since guys tend to be more easily aroused, you have to be the one to take the lead on things especially and explain that although she may not feel tempted by it, you as a guy are and she needs to respect your needs to refrain from from such activity.
Even many women on this site would agree about the need to avoid passionate kissing for her, because such intimacy although not overly arousing is sought for one’s own desire. “We want to feel beautiful to our boy friends” or “It makes me feel lovable.” All these excuses are about me, not about helping my BF come closer to Christ and this is not love. This may be difficult, but if she cannot see the beauty of avoiding such activity, Christ is probably calling you to move on (just like he called the young man away from his riches).
Do not lose hope in helping her to see this though. I will send you some book recommendations and talk to her about praying together; this can be something that really helps you to bond spiritually in a much better way than sharing a bed. Find out what her fears are; does she not feel beautiful or the worried you guys are not close; reassure her with words about how wonderful her beauty is (like a poem) and timely suprises like a card or flower. She may see these beautiful things as more precious and fulfilling of the same things she seeks in the other illicit activities.

 

[Seatuck]

I have a problem slightly related to some previously mentioned. I am in a long term relationship and have been for about a year. We live about 200 miles apart and visit each other (i.e. stay at each others homes Friday to Sunday) pretty much every weekend. About the first half year, things were OK. At the time, I was not practicing my faith. She is a non-denominational Christian and she was not really practicing either. Sometime last Summer I started considering the need to go to Church. Since then it has been quite rocky.

About four moths ago I decided that I needed to make a change in the relationship. I decided we were no longer to have sex, among other things (regular Mass attendance). Because she actually has a wellspring of deep Christian faith inside of her, she could understand and I believe even appreciated the change. However, given the stated policy, it has not always worked so well in practice.

I am concerned about a number of possible proximate causes of sin. However, I am really troubled as to the consequences. I am not really sure how to elliminate them and persue this long distance relationship. So we have a number of possible problems.
The first problem is passionate kissing. This is something I know she loves. It usually doesn’t proceed much further, but it leads me to seriously want to sin. The second problem is that we sleep in the same bed. Again, this is soemthing she likes quite a bit, and in fact she can’t sleep if I stay awake quitely in another room. This rarely leads to what I consider mortal sin, but I can’t say that I am not sometimes tempted by it. We wear clothes, usually I am covered pretty much from neck to ankle. In both of these areas, we don’t usually proceed beyond what we intend, and that is in part because I try very hard not to.

Anyway, I don’t know how to handle this. My instincts are that both these things shouldn’t be done. I wonder if I am being to hardcore. I also wonder if it is wrong to spend the night with each other. I don’t really see much option. I don’t know how to persue this type of relationship without actually spending the night. I don’t even know how to make a long distance relationship like this work.

This is really good Mike. You seem to be moving along in a positive direction that you are thinking about these things and bothered by them. Listen to your instincts here.
You really shouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed. Because of the temptation , obviously but also because that intimacy is reserved for spouses .Get one of those blow up beds if you absolutely have no choice but to stay in the same house with her. Find a way to stay with someone else or have her do so.
Are you getting to Mass on Sundays at her location?Made any friends there? Perhaps someone there can help with a sleeping arrangement. Another issue is the scandal you are possibly causing by staying together.

Praying for you . Keep up the good work. If you haven’t been to confession on these issues you should do so . And then you’ll be able to ask for God’s grace to help you and you’ll be open enough to receive it.

 

[RB2]

I have a problem slightly related to some previously mentioned. I am in a long term relationship and have been for about a year. We live about 200 miles apart and visit each other (i.e. stay at each others homes Friday to Sunday) pretty much every weekend. About the first half year, things were OK. At the time, I was not practicing my faith. She is a non-denominational Christian and she was not really practicing either. Sometime last Summer I started considering the need to go to Church. Since then it has been quite rocky.

About four moths ago I decided that I needed to make a change in the relationship. I decided we were no longer to have sex, among other things (regular Mass attendance). Because she actually has a wellspring of deep Christian faith inside of her, she could understand and I believe even appreciated the change. However, given the stated policy, it has not always worked so well in practice.

I am concerned about a number of possible proximate causes of sin. However, I am really troubled as to the consequences. I am not really sure how to elliminate them and persue this long distance relationship. So we have a number of possible problems.
The first problem is passionate kissing. This is something I know she loves. It usually doesn’t proceed much further, but it leads me to seriously want to sin. The second problem is that we sleep in the same bed. Again, this is soemthing she likes quite a bit, and in fact she can’t sleep if I stay awake quitely in another room. This rarely leads to what I consider mortal sin, but I can’t say that I am not sometimes tempted by it. We wear clothes, usually I am covered pretty much from neck to ankle. In both of these areas, we don’t usually proceed beyond what we intend, and that is in part because I try very hard not to.

Anyway, I don’t know how to handle this. My instincts are that both these things shouldn’t be done. I wonder if I am being to hardcore. I also wonder if it is wrong to spend the night with each other. I don’t really see much option. I don’t know how to persue this type of relationship without actually spending the night. I don’t even know how to make a long distance relationship like this work.

I’m in a similar situation, the girlfriend spends weekends over at my place.
We share the bed , appropriately clothed, but dont sin.
Passionate kissing can lead to ‘petting’. Which we wont do. --petting!
Sharing the bathroom can be inappropriate at times.
I find I am the one drawing lines so as to respect God and not lead to sin.
We are both devout Catholic and she is my fiance.
We are both onboard with our goals to not do anything wrong.
We both pray the rosary daily.
We do this and are not sinning.

Dont know if my situation is helpful to you, but I am not an advocating sleeping together also. It is inappropriate but perhaps more inappropriate if you are not going to get married. I understand your situation. However, inappropriateness is not necessarily sin.
Sounds like your doing a pretty good job, tighten it up with time.

 

[RB2]

Further, on this topic.
When I had a roomate, I found it necessary within Catholic teaching to not present scandal.
To this end, I notified the roomate of our chaste state concerning sharing the bedroom at night. He was a ‘Calvary Chapel’ guy(basically fundamentalist), didnt want to hear it(he didnt understand the necessity of me having to tell him), and I dont think he believed me.

Protestantism: A mile wide and an inch deep.

 

[SarahR]

We share the bed, appropriately clothed, but dont sin.
Passionate kissing can lead to ‘petting’. Which we wont do. --petting!
Sharing the bathroom can be inappropriate at times.
I find I am the one drawing lines so as to respect God and not lead to sin.
We are both devout Catholic and she is my fiance.
We are both on board with our goals to not do anything wrong.
We both pray the rosary daily.
We do this and are not sinning.

I just don’t see why a bed is shared? Couches/floors/friend’s houses…