Long-distance relationship...help!

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chalter

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I’m not exactly sure if this is the best place to ask this question, but right now I need some solid, objective and, most importantly, Catholic advice!

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for over eight months now and I absolutely believe that this man is going to get me to heaven. I met him on a pilgrimage put on by the sister Newman Centers of my college and his college and our relationship has been strong ever since - until now…possibly.

We don’t see each other very often because of the hour and forty minute drive, my college studies and his work, and the fact that we’re both on weekend retreats a lot. We try to talk on the phone at LEAST every other night, but lately it seems like our communication ideals have been slightly off target.

Long story short, I miss him a lot and I cherish every minute I have on the phone with him. He also expressed that he thinks it’s necessary but not as often as I do - he thinks that letting me have time to focus on my studies is more of a loving act than “taking up my evenings” with phone calls.

My question is this: am I being too clingy wanting an hour-long phone call every other night or should I buck up and root myself more in Christ to cope with the pains of missing my boyfriend?

I don’t want to seem clingy (and I fear that this notion is rather prideful), but I feel his logical, structured way of thinking sometimes hinders him from understanding my emotions.

Thanks in advance!
 
chalter said:
I’m not exactly sure if this is the best place to ask this question, but right now I need some solid, objective and, most importantly, Catholic advice!

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for over eight months now and I absolutely believe that this man is going to get me to heaven. I met him on a pilgrimage put on by the sister Newman Centers of my college and his college and our relationship has been strong ever since - until now…possibly.

We don’t see each other very often because of the hour and forty minute drive, my college studies and his work, and the fact that we’re both on weekend retreats a lot. We try to talk on the phone at LEAST every other night, but lately it seems like our communication ideals have been slightly off target.

Long story short, I miss him a lot and I cherish every minute I have on the phone with him. He also expressed that he thinks it’s necessary but not as often as I do - he thinks that letting me have time to focus on my studies is more of a loving act than “taking up my evenings” with phone calls.

My question is this: am I being too clingy wanting an hour-long phone call every other night or should I buck up and root myself more in Christ to cope with the pains of missing my boyfriend?

I don’t want to seem clingy (and I fear that this notion is rather prideful), but I feel his logical, structured way of thinking sometimes hinders him from understanding my emotions.

Thanks in advance!
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If the distance is only an hour and fourty minutes between you then why not see each other more…sacrifice a few hours of tv or an evening with friends and go see one another…
 
Long distance relationships are hard and normally temporary. Relationships need to be worked on at the best of times and an hour’s conversation a day, I would consider the very least amount of time necessary to grow one. Have you tried Skype?
I don’t think you are clingy, but don’t expect a man to have the same emotional responses a girl would have.
In Australia a five hour road trip is not a long trip. I drive a five hour round trip to meet my mother-in-law!! I might suggest you give up a weekend retreat once a month and spend some real time together. God would understand. We can work on our spirituality without sacrificing good and loving relationships.
If this man is important to you and you to him, you will have to do more.God bless you both.
 
crystal_waters said:
If the distance is only an hour and fourty minutes between you then why not see each other more…sacrifice a few hours of tv or an evening with friends and go see one another…
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This.

I met my husband in college…He was a senior and I was a sophomore. When he graduated he joined the Navy…now THAT is a long distance relationship. 12-18 hours away from each other, we couldn’t see one another on a regular basis. We didn’t always have long phone calls…he was tired with his work and I was busy with school and being very involved with my sorority. We did make time for one another and he would take leave, or I would go visit when I could. Basically an hour and a half car ride? Heck that was how long the drive was from my college to my parent’s house and I went home almost every weekend. 🤷 Seeing each other should be a none issue.
 
I know people whose commute to work takes 1-1/2 hours. If you prefer doing weekend retreats to growing your relationship with your boyfriend under such easy circumstances, you may have a calling to be a consecrated religious (and I suspect that’s what your boyfriend thinks too). If you don’t prefer it but do it anyways, you should think about putting a little distance between yourself and the retreat organizer.
 
chalter said:
I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for over eight months now and I absolutely believe that this man is going to get me to heaven.
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That seems, to me at least, to be a little bit troubling. It sounds as though you are very committed to him as a potential husband and that he may not feel quite the same way about you. You need to be very realistic about this. Ask him how he sees your future.
 
I agree with everyone. Prioritize time to see each other more often. Retreats are fantastic but do you need to do them every weekend? Just a thought.

Before we were married my husband left for military trips that would separate us by a couple thousand miles for months at a time. I was in school too and working full time but still found time to talk to him at least an hour every night. Thank goodness for rollover minutes otherwise it wouldn’t have been nearly as often.

You are quite lucky to live only a two hours drive away. Maybe he is right and you should be concentrating on your studies during the week. I know I probably could have during that time frame.

Plus, guys don’t really enjoy being tethered to a phone for long periods of time. As much as he loved me he couldn’t stand those long phone calls but did it because he knew I needed them to feel connected and because I’d only be able to se him once, maybe twice, in eight or more months.

He sounds like a really great guy.
 
My now-husband and I lived about the same distance away most of the time we were dating, and I never really considered it “long distance”. We saw each other just about every weekend, when he would drive down for the day. Or, I would drive up to where he lived and stay with my parents that night. We talked on the phone most nights, unless one of us had to work late or was going out with friends or something. If you feel this is the guy for you, maybe you could cut back on some of the weekend retreats and make some more time for each other?

I think the phone time thing is really an easy compromise. Does it have to be an hour, every night? What about a half hour instead? He should make sure that you are getting what you need, and you should make sure that you are not so regimented that if he cannot talk one night or is just tired, you don’t get upset with him. If you both are equally committed to each other, you’ll both want to make more time for each other on the weekends and make sure you’re both happy with the phone arrangement. If one of you is more committed than the other, then maybe it’s a good idea to re-evaluate whether you are getting what you need from the relationship.
 
An hour and a half away would be lovely. I understand doing something during the week could be difficult, especially if you have work or classes in the morning, but you could do something on weekends. 🙂

Also his concern for your studies is good. Taking time to study, especially as you’re in college, is important. However, he might also not like sitting on the phone for long amounts of time, as another poster mentioned. I know that while I enjoy talking with my boyfriend, I have trouble just sitting there and talking sometimes. We change it up by Skyping so that we can play online games together and chat at the same time. I don’t know if y’all play games, but that might be something to consider.

Have you tried explaining to him that you don’t think it’s “taking up your evenings” to spend time on the phone with him? How long are you studying relative to your phone calls?
 
Thank you all for the wonderful advice.

First off, here is some more information: we are both very committed to each other and have talked seriously about marriage.

Secondly, WOW! You guys are right. An hour and forty minutes isn’t so bad. I feel I should clarify - we aren’t going on retreats every weekend. We actually see each other at least every other weekend. It’s just been the last two weekends that either I have or he has gone on a retreat.

Thirdly, both of us are pretty busy during the weekdays (me, especially, with admin. duties at the Newman Center and being president of the pro-life club) BUT there are definitely things in my hectic schedule that I could ditch. This man is worth the effort - of that, I am convinced.
 
An hour on the phone every night is a bit much. A half hour is a big plenty, especially if there’s some texting or emailing during the day.

I would encourage him to feel free to multi-task while he talks with you. I wouldn’t encourage texting somebody else or doing stuff on the computer (as that would be cheating), but it’s quite easy to load a dishwasher or do laundry or do a little light housekeeping or even cooking while on the phone.
 
chalter said:
Long story short, I miss him a lot and I cherish every minute I have on the phone with him. He also expressed that he thinks it’s necessary but not as often as I do - he thinks that letting me have time to focus on my studies is more of a loving act than “taking up my evenings” with phone calls.

My question is this: am I being too clingy wanting an hour-long phone call every other night or should I buck up and root myself more in Christ to cope with the pains of missing my boyfriend?
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It’s not that it’s too clingy to want an hour-long phone call every other night, but it may not be reasonable for the situation. If he doesn’t have time or want to talk for that long at those times, I’d be inclined to talk a little less long on busy days, and then save the longer phone conversations for once or twice a week, or on the weekend when you’re not visiting each other. It would be hard to go for 2 weeks without a few long conversations, so I wouldn’t want to give those up altogether, just maybe not on weeknights (or whichever nights you are the busiest). I do think though, that it’s not really his job to decide for you if you should focus more on your studies or talk to him on the phone. Maybe he is just being thoughtful, and I would certainly appreciate him looking out for my well being, but I do wonder if he is giving you an excuse. Does he not know how to say that HE doesn’t have time to talk for so long? Or does he not know how to say that he just doesn’t enjoy really long phone conversations? Some guys just don’t, and it’s not a statement on how much they care for the person they are talking to, it’s just the way they are. Also it seems to be common in relationships that guys are afraid to speak their mind for fear of ending up “in the dog house.” That’s something that is not ok with me, and I would want to make sure that my boyfriend is willing to communicate honestly with me. If I were in your place, I would make a compromise with the phone calls, but I would probably want to make sure that he is being honest about his reasons.
 
An hour and a half!!! Hehehe. My fiancee and I are six to seven hours away! Consider yourself blessed my sister! 🙂 😉

Homestly I dont think talking an hour or so every other day clingly at all, unless one of you is feeling somewhat confined or smooshed…

All the others above^^^^ Great advice and encouragement!🙂
 
I really dislike being tied to the phone for an hour every night… one or two times a week, okay, but please not every night. Much easier to communicate when we’re in the same place, not on the phone. I don’t multitask well when I’m on the phone so it’s drop everything for the call. Hence, shorter calls most nights work better for me.

So I think the boyfriend is sending hints, he’d like less time on the phone most nights. Does not mean he isn’t into the OP, just means he’s a typical guy isn’t into talking on the phone as much as she is. That said, I’d be assertive and up front about this, not beating around the bush hoping my girlfriend gets the hint.
 
Chalter, don’t worry, your relationship will be okay over this long distance period and hopefully in the future it won’t be long distance any more. It will be fine, a lot of people have long distance and still get through them, some people’s husband is in jail but they continue with the relationship after he is released etc
 
Thank you all for the great advice and support! I think this crisis has been averted. I took some of your advice and we compromised to have shorter chats more often. Honest communication and prayer come through again! Praise Jesus!
 
chalter said:
Thank you all for the great advice and support! I think this crisis has been averted. I took some of your advice and we compromised to have shorter chats more often. Honest communication and prayer come through again! Praise Jesus!
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Glad to hear. 🙂 Communication is a wonderful thing!
 
Hi Chalter,
I’m not a fan of long distance relationships, I was
ENGAGED to a girl in University and after graduation,
found a job that was 1-2 hours away. We used to do
things together when we were living close to each other,
like doing laundry. Anyway it sounds
like he’s getting COLD FEET about your commitments
to each other, be careful, that’s how MY engagement
failed! I found more and more how I valued MY FREEDOM,
to do things by myself, so I broke it up with her.
 
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