Long distance relationships

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apromisemade

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Ok, so, I’ve known this guy for about two years now. Our relationship is entirely cybernetic (via Facebook, Skype, etc.) because we live far apart but the truth is I’ve never felt for any other guy what I feel for him, and my feelings for him have not changed over time. He’s got everything a girl could hope for; strong work ethic, dedication, great sense of humour, a gentle disposition, and a powerful devotion to his faith. He’s so devoted to his religion that he’s said he’s a little scared of meeting me because he’s afraid of making a mistake (but we’re still planning to meet sometime in the near future).

Now, everyone’s telling me that I’m being childish. My friends are like; “Have you met this man before? No! Have you met his family before? No! Do you know whether or not he’s lying to you about anything? No! So what in God’s green earth makes you think you are in love with him!?!?”

So I guess my question is about your opinions on long distance relationships. Can they really lead to true love?
 
apromisemade said:
Ok, so, I’ve known this guy for about two years now. Our relationship is entirely cybernetic (via Facebook, Skype, etc.) because we live far apart but the truth is I’ve never felt for any other guy what I feel for him, and my feelings for him have not changed over time. He’s got everything a girl could hope for; strong work ethic, dedication, great sense of humour, a gentle disposition, and a powerful devotion to his faith. He’s so devoted to his religion that he’s said he’s a little scared of meeting me because he’s afraid of making a mistake (but we’re still planning to meet sometime in the near future).

Now, everyone’s telling me that I’m being childish. My friends are like; “Have you met this man before? No! Have you met his family before? No! Do you know whether or not he’s lying to you about anything? No! So what in God’s green earth makes you think you are in love with him!?!?”

So I guess my question is about your opinions on long distance relationships. Can they really lead to true love?
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Of course, but 2 years without meeting is damn huge!

There are spouses married to solidiers who get deployed; sailors, international businessmen etc.

But again, for me, 2 years only social relationship is huge. I think some of the questions your friends are raising are called for. Internet relationships are also dangerous, so you also have to be careful.

IMO, you should have met long ago.
 
Can they lead to love? Sure. Are you in love without ever having met? I doubt it.

Online, people can be anyone they want, and create whatever kind of impression they’d like you to have. I am not saying this man isn’t genuine, and two years would certainly be a long time to keep up an act. But until you spend time together in person, your feelings are only based on what you think you know about him.

Why haven’t you met, after two years? I don’t buy the “so devoted to religion he’s scared to make a mistake” excuse. What does that even mean? Honestly, it sounds like your friends have good reason to be concerned. If you do arrange to meet, please be safe about it and take someone with you.
 
My husband and I met online at CAF. I was in Seattle, Washington and he was in Scotland. We met in person a few months after initial contact. Before we got engaged, we spent time in each other’s country (like weeks at a time). And we’ve been married for over a year and a half. So I would like to think that it can lead to love. But be careful.
 
apromisemade said:
Ok, so, I’ve known this guy for about two years now. Our relationship is entirely cybernetic (via Facebook, Skype, etc.) because we live far apart but the truth is I’ve never felt for any other guy what I feel for him, and my feelings for him have not changed over time. He’s got everything a girl could hope for; strong work ethic, dedication, great sense of humour, a gentle disposition, and a powerful devotion to his faith. He’s so devoted to his religion that he’s said he’s a little scared of meeting me because he’s afraid of making a mistake (but we’re still planning to meet sometime in the near future).

Now, everyone’s telling me that I’m being childish. My friends are like; “Have you met this man before? No! Have you met his family before? No! Do you know whether or not he’s lying to you about anything? No! So what in God’s green earth makes you think you are in love with him!?!?”

So I guess my question is about your opinions on long distance relationships. Can they really lead to true love?
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I met my fiancé here on CAF. My family knew from the start, I was always open to my parents, still am. My friends told me the same thing yours did. But I trusted God more, and still am cuz I truly believe God gave me “Patavium” (His CAF name). I could tell you how I knew, but it’s long story and rather personal. We met in person on August for the first time 😃 and then he came and stayed at my grandma’s for 4 days in September. And then he went back because of work, and came to stay again for 4 days more at my grandma’s. I haven’t seen him since September because now he is currently working in another country. But he paid my flight ticket to come and be with him for my winter break. ❤️ ❤️ I thank God for everything. For putting me in Patavium’s way, and for God converting Him beautifully. Our wedding will be on December 14, 2013, God between.

I say you put all that into prayer! And let God speak to you, and listen to what He says and do His Will.
 
Well, I had a long distance relationship. Mind you I already had a relationship with her when we broke off. When we got back together, we lived hundreds of miles apart. This was also back in the day before the Internet and cellphones. It was by telephone and writing, and getting together when we could.

We’ve been married now for 24 years 🙂

It’s not easy… but it’s not impossible either. But it does help to have met in person I should think. Call me old-fashioned on that.
 
apromisemade said:
He’s so devoted to his religion that he’s said he’s a little scared of meeting me because he’s afraid of making a mistake (but we’re still planning to meet sometime in the near future).
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Two things:
  1. What’s “his faith” then? The way you use the pronoun suggests it’s a different faith from yours.
  2. What’s the link between his religion and your meeting or his making a mistake (emphasised)?
Now, everyone’s telling me that I’m being childish. My friends are like; “Have you met this man before? No! Have you met his family before? No! Do you know whether or not he’s lying to you about anything? No! So what in God’s green earth makes you think you are in love with him!?!?”
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Well, you can tell them times are difficult and a good Catholic girl’s got to cast her net where it hasn’t been cast before. :p;)
So I guess my question is about your opinions on long distance relationships. Can they really lead to true love?
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What’s true love?

And like in any case, they can but don’t have to.
 
apromisemade said:
Ok, so, I’ve known this guy for about two years now. Our relationship is entirely cybernetic (via Facebook, Skype, etc.) because we live far apart but the truth is I’ve never felt for any other guy what I feel for him, and my feelings for him have not changed over time. He’s got everything a girl could hope for; strong work ethic, dedication, great sense of humour, a gentle disposition, and a powerful devotion to his faith. He’s so devoted to his religion that he’s said he’s a little scared of meeting me because he’s afraid of making a mistake (but we’re still planning to meet sometime in the near future).

Now, everyone’s telling me that I’m being childish. My friends are like; “Have you met this man before? No! Have you met his family before? No! Do you know whether or not he’s lying to you about anything? No! So what in God’s green earth makes you think you are in love with him!?!?”

So I guess my question is about your opinions on long distance relationships. Can they really lead to true love?
Click to expand...
Of course! But you really do need to meet in person and spend some time together. Sometimes the “written word” person does not turn out to be the same as the “in person” person.
 
Please try an watch a show on MTV now or see the documentary that led to the TV show–“Catfish.” It is about a guy who fell for a girl online, they corresponded for a long time, and went to meet her. Only problem, she didn’t exist as he knew her. She was an older married woman with a husband and kids. :eek:

So now this guy named Nev goes around the country and helps people meet the people they met online. Most times, with surprisingly bad results.

Do I think that people can meet the love of their life online? Absolutely. But I think like CountrySinger said, you should have met long ago, before this turned into a two year thing. You may be reading more into it, or he may be saying things he doesn’t mean because he knows you two will never meet.

Be careful. Google his name and see what is there. If possible, read his Facebook page and see what his friends are saying to him. He has a whole separate life from you.
 
Two things:
  1. What’s “his faith” then? The way you use the pronoun suggests it’s a different faith from yours.
  2. What’s the link between his religion and your meeting or his making a mistake (emphasised)?
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He’s Christian, he just wasn’t brought up in any particular denomination.

When he says “mistake,” what he means is if he sees me he will want to kiss me, and if he kisses me, he’s afraid he will want…more than that. Consequently we made an agreeement that we would never be alone together.
What’s true love?
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Good question

And the reason we haven’t met yet is travelling is expensive and since we’re both still in college neither of us have the necessary finances. But I think you have a good point Irishmom, not meeting for so long may have altered our relationship in some ways. Well, we’re planning to meet sometime next year since I will be graduated, so I guess it will make it all the more important that we follow through with that plan. Thank you for all the words of wisdom everyone.
 
“When he says “mistake,” what he means is if he sees me he will want to kiss me, and if he kisses me, he’s afraid he will want…more than that. Consequently we made an agreeement that we would never be alone together.”

Marriage is going to be a problem then, I’m afraid.

(Sorry, I couldn’t resist saying that.:D)
 
More seriously:
  1. The fact he hasn’t tried to see you suggests he’s not that interested. By the time I had known my husband 2 years, I’d been married for more than half of that time. I’m not saying that you should be on that same express schedule, but if you are crazy about somebody, you want to spend time WITH them.
  2. My future husband and I emailed a lot during our courtship, as well as having lots of face time. The emailing was useful for hashing out complicated issues, but there’s a definite possibility for the written relationship to outpace the in-person relationship. It’s possible to achieve a level of intimacy in writing that isn’t matched by the real life relationship.
  3. A successful couple does need good chemistry, and that’s only possible to test in person. (I think one meeting isn’t adequate for testing this, by the way–there’s even been research showing that 1-hour interviews are very misleading.)
  4. This person could be hiding a huge issue: a major disability, mental illness, substance abuse issues, being 400 pounds, being much older or younger than he said, chronic underemployment, being the wrong gender, being incarcerated, being married, having several children out of wedlock, having used a fake picture, etc. Some of these are very unlikely (and not all of them are necessarily deal breakers), but unless you know the person well and in person, you won’t know for sure. You may know him now, but you don’t know that you know him.
 
apromisemade said:
When he says “mistake,” what he means is if he sees me he will want to kiss me, and if he kisses me, he’s afraid he will want…more than that. Consequently we made an agreeement that we would never be alone together.

Well, we’re planning to meet sometime next year since I will be graduated, so I guess it will make it all the more important that we follow through with that plan.
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(1) How old is this man? Has he ever dated before? Because I think the bolded gives me great pause…more than the time without meeting.

(2) meet sometime next year? So you are going to go three years without meeting him?

LDR’s can work and they can turn into marriage as I am a product of LDR through internet dating, but you should have met no more than a few months after the initial contact. When you meet it may still work and you may still feel the same way, but I suspect that you both have built each other up and will find out that the other isn’t quite what you cracked them up to be.
 
If you haven’t met in person, you don’t know him yet. The person you’re getting to know could be “William Shatner” or he could be “Captain Kirk”. (OK, he’s almost certain to be a little bit “Captain Kirk”; he can’t have kept you from projecting something imaginary onto him, even if he tried!)

Who is this guy’s pastor? Everyone in his parish must know him, if he is what he says (meaning, the 5% who actually do all the volunteering). I suggest your first meeting be soon, at his parish, where you have arranged in advance to have his pastor and fellow parishioners introduce you. If he can do that, that’s a really good sign. Nobody can get active in his parish on a month’s notice and nobody gets active in their parish because they anticipate that the cyber-girlfriend they’ve been conning wants proof that they have a good circle of friends and haven’t creeped out their parish priest.

Get yourself letters from reputable people on your end, then go to meet him in a public place: His parish. Get yourself introductions from people who know him and who would have no reason to lie to you. If you two can’t do that (or something similar), then I think you have problems.

Be ready for the disposition to be less perfect than you think, even if he’s on the up and up. You’ve never seen him under harsh lighting, and we all have blemishes when that is turned on.
 
apromisemade said:
we’re planning to meet sometime next year since I will be graduated, so I guess it will make it all the more important that we follow through with that plan.
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With all due respect, have you been listening to anything anyone has said here? Even after reading what we have said, you are going to wait another year to meet? There is something so just not right here. Can’t you see that? If you two were really serious, this would have already happened. You are both willing to engage in this because there is some reason you are both comfortable with not meeting. Perhaps the dream is better than the reality.

Seriously, please check out the show I suggested. At least you will see what is possibly happening. Unless you are happy living somewhere in not really knowing land.
 
You are not in a long distance relationship, you are in some kind of a dream. If that man were really interested in you, he would have tried to meet you a long time a go. Two years without meeting is way too long. All those excuses about being very devout and being afraid of meeting you are just that - excuses. This is not how a mature, honorable man behaves. Chances are that he is communicating this way with a number of other women. In short, there is something very abnormal about this situation and your friends are right to be concerned about you. The bottom line is that you are wasting a lot of time and energy on this man.
 
bstorm said:
You are not in a long distance relationship, you are in some kind of a dream. If that man were really interested in you, he would have tried to meet you a long time a go. Two years without meeting is way too long. All those excuses about being very devout and being afraid of meeting you are just that - excuses. This is not how a mature, honorable man behaves. Chances are that he is communicating this way with a number of other women. In short, there is something very abnormal about this situation and your friends are right to be concerned about you. The bottom line is that you are wasting a lot of time and energy on this man.
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👍 This.

I’m sorry to say that you should not be wasting this much time on a virtual relationship. Seriously, you can see the person on Skype and all, and still not have ANY chemistry once you meet him in person. I think of a documentary I watched about gamers - this couple “knew each other” through playing World of Warcraft and they thought they were ideally suited to each other (they were interacting through their avatars on the game, as well as phone calls, etc.). They moved in together (I think the woman relocated to his area) and had plans to marry. Over not too much time, the woman discovered that the man was pretty dysfunctional and really couldn’t cope with a real-life relationship at all. They didn’t make it to marriage.

2 years is too long not to have met in person at least once. He’s hiding something, it may not be anything nefarious but there’s a problem. Start meeting people off-line, and don’t, DON’T wait another year to meet this guy. Let him go.
 
Xantippe said:
  1. This person could be hiding a huge issue: a major disability, mental illness, substance abuse issues, being 400 pounds, being much older or younger than he said, chronic underemployment, being the wrong gender, being incarcerated, being married, having several children out of wedlock, having used a fake picture, etc. Some of these are very unlikely (and not all of them are necessarily deal breakers), but unless you know the person well and in person, you won’t know for sure. You may know him now, but you don’t know that you know him.
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Well, she did say they’d been Skyping, so most of that list would not apply - she has at least seen him on camera. But the in-person meeting should have happened within the first few months, because both of them are projecting onto the other person. It’s unavoidable in these situations. Chances are good he’s not able to sustain any kind of real-life relationship, for whatever reason.
 
apromisemade said:
When he says “mistake,” what he means is if he sees me he will want to kiss me, and if he kisses me, he’s afraid he will want…more than that. Consequently we made an agreeement that we would never be alone together.
Click to expand...
Honestly, this is bizarre. What you are saying is that you can’t meet because he is unable to control himself. This is not the kind of man you want to marry. As others pointed out, if he was really interested he’s want to meet you as soon as possible, and wouldn’t tell you he’s afraid he wouldn’t be a gentleman if you did meet. The whole thing sounds weird, and I think you should listen to your friends.
 
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