Long engagement or wait to get engaged?

[lifeisbeautiful]

I would wait to be “engaged”.

If you are not ready to start actually making plans for your wedding and marriage then you are not yet ready to be “engaged”.

I have seen too many long engagements go bad.

When my husband and I got engaged, my dad advised us not to have a long engagement, and now from experience, I know that it’s really hard to wait for the physical side of the relationship when you have such a strong commitment.
Also when we got married we were also poor and my husband had a year left of school and we got pregnant right off. I wasn’t in school so that might have something to do with it. But I’m glad that we just got married right away. If you’re ready to commit, then you should be ready to get married.

Really, I can’t advise an engagement for more than a year. Dating for a year or two is just fine. But being engaged for too long is hard emotionally and physically. Engaged means that you are planning a wedding. If you’ve only been dating for eight months, then just sit on this for another few months.

Also, I’m not sure that a promise ring means that you’re promising that you’ll marry the girl. I think it means a promise to be in a committed dating relationship. That’s it, an exclusive dating relationship. Promising to marry someone means an engagement. And I’d hold off on the promise ring. Don’t move so fast. This is a wonderful time of life, enjoy it, don’t feel anxious. As long as she is happy with you, she won’t wander. Maybe a promise ring for Christmas? But then what if she’s disappointed that it’s not a diamond? These things are so vexing!

Technically an engagement is not a commitment. Marriage is. You can definitely talk about marriage, which you should, without being engaged. Long engagments without good reason sounds like lay-a-way of a relationship.

I would be more offended if a man just gave me a promise ring to keep me quiet. Promise rings are commonly refered to as “shut up” rings. I’m not being mean, that is what they are sometimes called. Engagement feels like limbo, and it gives something families to fight over. Stay low and when ready be engaged, just enough time to plan the wedding.

I agree with these posts
Either get engaged and get married soon, or wait to get engaged until marriage is a possibility soon after. It all depends on how ready you are for marriage. I think it is risky to have a long engagement. My husband and I were thinking of getting married 11 months after engagement (I guess to have more time to plan the wedding since I was graduating 4 months after we got engaged) when my mother suggested a date that was 6 months away instead. We chose the earlier date and were sooooooo happy we did. The wedding ceremony and reception were beautiful and I didn’t have to wait an extra 5 months for no reason. 6 months seemed like an eternity for us. Once you have met the right person and are ready for marriage, you just want to get married!

 

[Jay2]

My wife & I dated for about a year, then I asked her to marry me. It was around 14 months later that we actually said our vows. Celebrated our 18th this past September.

IMO an extended engagement allows the passion, excitement, and “committment drive” to go stagnant. Then the evils of “well, we’re committed to eachother… why not live together/finances/etc.” take greater hold.

A “regular” (10 - 12 month) engagement is pretty much totally consumed in planning and the simple logistics of “this is the earliest date available” at Church.

Then after the “day” BAM, you are locked into the promises you made. But, your compromising skills aren’t numbed, you’re still “learning eachother”, and the goofy-starry-eyed-tweetybirdsflyingaround feelings are still there… You WORK with eachother to figure out how to “make it work” (under the still fresh committment)… rather than already knowing all the goofy quirks your mate will blindside you with

If you are committed to marrying this gal, then do it. As you’ve stated it’d be easier to cope (financially/housing/etc.) as a couple than individuals… But understand that children have a tendancy to happen , there’ll be some ROUGH road ahead, and you’ll go crazy for the 1st seven or so years… but who better to share it with than your WIFE!.

 

[C.T]

I don’t think there’s one right way to go here. My husband and I met in college, as undergraduates just starting our degrees. We started talking about marriage very soon after we started dating. Two years after he first said he loved me, we bought each other simple, inexpensive rings in white gold that we wore on our right hands. We figured between the “silver” color and the right hand, it was clear enough that these weren’t wedding bands. We didn’t want to be flippant about what we had to look forward to. We called them promise rings. But of course we both completely understood that this was not an irreversible bond or anything. It just made for a nice anniersary present that said to the world, “There’s someone special in my life.” We both still wear them on our right hands.

One reason why I didn’t want the engagement ring more than a year or so before the wedding was because I didn’t want the pressure to start planning an event that was still too far in the future to schedule. I wanted the ring to be quickly followed with setting a date, booking the church, etc.

Of course, if you and your intended feel differently about the engagement ring and proposal, I don’t see why you couldn’t be engaged for a while.

I see that much of the advice here is to go ahead and get married. I don’t exactly disagree, but I do think that it’s OK to set a bare minimum educational goal to reach first. I felt strongly that I should have a bachelors degree before getting married. I saw my mom left a widow at 40 and I thank God that she had enough education that work for her was an enjoyable career that paid the bills. I felt that finishing my degree was worth the delay, because I didn’t want to chance getting pregnant and dropping out to stay home with my baby and never going back. I felt that the right time to get married and begin marital intimacy was as soon as I was willing to take a chance that I might get pregnant. Even though we did not intend to start a family immediately, I knew I had to be open to the chance. And I really wasn’t until I graduated from college.

 

[EsclavoDeCristo]

… Once you have met the right person and are ready for marriage, you just want to get married!

I know! That is where I am at now.

If you are committed to marrying this gal, then do it. As you’ve stated it’d be easier to cope (financially/housing/etc.) as a couple than individuals… But understand that children have a tendancy to happen , there’ll be some ROUGH road ahead, and you’ll go crazy for the 1st seven or so years… but who better to share it with than your WIFE!.

Wow, for the 1st 7 years!!! Was it Jacob (perhaps someone else) who had to work 7 years for his wife but got her sister instead so he ended up working 14 total to marry his true love?!

I see that much of the advice here is to go ahead and get married. I don’t exactly disagree, but I do think that it’s OK to set a bare minimum educational goal to reach first. I felt strongly that I should have a bachelors degree before getting married. I saw my mom left a widow at 40 and I thank God that she had enough education that work for her was an enjoyable career that paid the bills. I felt that finishing my degree was worth the delay, because I didn’t want to chance getting pregnant and dropping out to stay home with my baby and never going back. I felt that the right time to get married and begin marital intimacy was as soon as I was willing to take a chance that I might get pregnant. Even though we did not intend to start a family immediately, I knew I had to be open to the chance. And I really wasn’t until I graduated from college.

Luckily I do have a bachelors already, it is just that I got it at a liberal arts college (I had a full scholarship) and is not as practical as a technical degree would be in order to support a family.

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As always, thanks to all who have give advice and shared personal experiences. God is good!

 

[C.T]

Luckily I do have a bachelors already, it is just that I got it at a liberal arts college (I had a full scholarship) and is not as practical as a technical degree would be in order to support a family.

I didn’t mean to say that the bachelors degree is the right minimum level of education for everyone. That’s what I needed to feel that I was ready to go from being a single person to being a married woman with the potential to become a mom and not to be always afraid that I would find myself a widow with kids and without the tools to provide for them. If your current degree program is something you need to be ready to marry, do it.

 

[hasikelee]

For that Long of Time I would suggest a kind of

“Promise” period - ( I call it a betrothal ),

Celebrate it with a nice “promise ring” with her favorite gemstone.

You are promising that you will ask her to marry you.

This makes your intentions very clear, but it sends the message that patience is the order of the day.

Slowly save up some cash for that Diamond Ring and then surprise her with a real proposal when it is clear that you will be able to start planning.

In my opinion, an engagement is when you can point to a general time and date within a year or so.

… say December 2007 … we have an engagement

If you are not ready to start actually making plans for your wedding and marriage then you are not yet ready to be “engaged”.

I have seen too many long engagements go bad. They lose their romance after about a year.

God Bless

tjp

This is what my fiancee did for me because we were highschool sweethearts. We had matching claddagh rings with our birth stones.

Not too expensive, but very sentimental and clear. I had hope and he asked me two years later!

 

[argon091076]

My husband and I began dating in late March. Officially became girlfriend and boyfriend May 1st. Right of the hook he began talking about marriage, although he waited to pop the question for my birthday (early September…about 4 months later). Anyhow, I said yes…but under one condition…that I would love to finish undergrad school before getting married. He agreed so exactly 2 years and 9 months later…we got married. I wanted to be prapared just in case… you never know…God forbid something were to happen to him, I wanted to make sure that I was educationally prepared to support a family.

Anyhow, the plans were to finish undergrad and worry about grad school after marriage…

It’s been 4 and a half wonderful years of marriage and 2 children later and grad school is still waiting…I jump up and down with joy knowing that I did the right thing for us…I finish undergrad and then got married…otherwise it would have been very difficult to try to finish school right now while married and with children…I hate the idea of leaving my kids at a daycare…so many things that go on now a days…I guess I just don’t trust anyone…Things such as the following cross my mind like any phsycopath can just take them to the restroom or take them and do something to them in a couple of minutes that can mark them for life…that is one of the first things aside form many others that I think about…specially because they are so very little right now. They are both 2 and the oldest is turning 3 tomorrow. Although having great communication with your children works well, too. I remember my mother, after I would come home from school asking me questions about how the day went and if anyone had done anything to me that I did not want to do or that made me unconfortable and she would reinforce that no one should do anything to me that I don’t like or that makes me feel uncomfortable. She would show me and tell me, no one should touch you in your private parts ,…etc… and I guess ever since then she and my father helped reinforce the chastity topic.

Therefore, because of all of this, I decided to wait to begin grad school and will wait until both of my children begin school.

NFP is great, by the way!

P.s., it was wonderful knowing that there was someone waiting for me while being engaged to my hubby. Those, almost, 3 years of engagement were wonderful. I guess that if it is meant to be a good marriage, the engagement should be taken as a commitment and as a way to getting to know each other even better.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Do you want to make this person part of you, someone no one else has license to ignore as part of your life?

If one of you were to get in some awful accident, would you want your parents to take care of you and make your medical decisions, or have you found the person you want looking out for you for a lifetime?

Do you know who you want to spend every holiday with? Is there one person whose presence is non-negotiable?

I think when you’re really ready to be married, if you both mature enough to be married and are satisfied that you’ve found the right person, by all means, you get married. Sometimes military service or the like can get in the way of that…you will know what presents an obstacle to you.

As for poor…you’ll be poor, either way.

Besides, St. Paul advised the unmarried to not be on fire. If chastity will be an issue, do not go for a long engagement. You will find the six months or a year it takes to line up a wedding quite long enough.