Long~ husband is not supportive of religion, please help

[littlelune810]

I am new here, but have lurked for a little while. I’m on my phone too so I’m sorry for spelling errors. Here is what’s happening. My husband and I have been together for 9.5 years, we had our first son 4 years ago, got married 2.5 years ago and had our second son 1 year ago. I was raised Catholic (baptised, first communion but never confirmed) I have attended both Catholic and nondenominational churches off and on since childhood but nothing ever really felt right, and I never stayed for long. Most of my adult life I have basically been non religious. My husband was raised Lutheran, then Presbyterian, then nondenominational. He had very bad experiences with church and religion in general. He felt judged and belittled by pastors and fellow Christian’s. He literally says he hates religion and thinks it’s a bunch hocus pocus basically. When we married neither of us was religious. We had no plans to raise our children in any faith.

So about 2 years ago I had what I can only describe as a calling from God to come back to church. I just had a very intense urge to attend church and start learning about God and reading the bible. I went to a nondenominational church for a. few Sundays but DH ended up freaking out. I felt our marriage was in danger of ending (other issues were also going on at the time) so I stopped going to church to focus on our marriage. I had this calling shortly before Easter 2013. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago and I again had this sudden urge. I literally Turner off the tv, picked up my bible and started reading. I told DH that I wanted to try going to church again. He agreed that it was ok with him if I went to Catholic church but he didn’t want to hear about it, and he doesn’t want our kids involved. I have attended mass the past 3 weeks, but each Sunday he has been increasingly hostile right when I’m getting ready to leave. He starts complaining about how long I’ll be gone, and making comments about how stupid it is and a waste of time. I know I should probably speak to a priest for advice, I just don’t know what to do. I know that IM the one who’s changing since I really wasn’t into this pretty much the whole time we’ve been together. I just feel like this is too big to ignore… I mean having these feelings/ callings TWICE and both times right before Easter. I have this feeling like if I ignore it again I won’t have another chance. I also feel so at peace at mass now, while in the past I was always bored. I even bought a rosary and have been praying it nearly everyday. It just feels so right. And to top it all off Father Tom’s speech on Easter was about commitment, and how it can be messy and cause all kinds of chaos but that commitment is what God and Jesus want from us. I have spoken to my Godmother about it and her main advice is" baby steps". I guess I’m just looking for any insight or support or prayers for my husband and my babies. Sorry I just wrote a novel. Thank you all and God bless you.

 

[pensmama87]

One thing you might suggest is say, “OK, so I will be gone this long. What would you like to do this week for about the same amount of time while I manage things at home?”

I would also be as loving and helpful as you possibly can be at home. Your husband may be worried that you will leave him, or at least stop loving him. Your husband’s behavior doesn’t sound very mature, but from his view something very serious could completely alter your relationship. I would try very hard to be understanding of that.

I’d also examine your own behavior and make 1000% sure you aren’t in the habit of belittling or complaining about his hobbies (provided they aren’t dangerous or likely to make you financially destitute). Not that one’s faith is a hobby, but from his POV it might seem that way to him. If you show respect for how he chooses to spend his “leisure” time, I think that’s more likely to give him room to reciprocate (and gives you room to request that he be respectful, since he’s currently not.)

 

[Xantippe]

I am new here, but have lurked for a little while. I’m on my phone too so I’m sorry for spelling errors. Here is what’s happening. My husband and I have been together for 9.5 years, we had our first son 4 years ago, got married 2.5 years ago and had our second son 1 year ago. I was raised Catholic (baptised, first communion but never confirmed) I have attended both Catholic and nondenominational churches off and on since childhood but nothing ever really felt right, and I never stayed for long. Most of my adult life I have basically been non religious. My husband was raised Lutheran, then Presbyterian, then nondenominational. He had very bad experiences with church and religion in general. He felt judged and belittled by pastors and fellow Christian’s. He literally says he hates religion and thinks it’s a bunch hocus pocus basically. When we married neither of us was religious. We had no plans to raise our children in any faith.

So about 2 years ago I had what I can only describe as a calling from God to come back to church. I just had a very intense urge to attend church and start learning about God and reading the bible. I went to a nondenominational church for a. few Sundays but DH ended up freaking out. I felt our marriage was in danger of ending (other issues were also going on at the time) so I stopped going to church to focus on our marriage. I had this calling shortly before Easter 2013. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago and I again had this sudden urge. I literally Turner off the tv, picked up my bible and started reading. I told DH that I wanted to try going to church again. He agreed that it was ok with him if I went to Catholic church but he didn’t want to hear about it, and he doesn’t want our kids involved. I have attended mass the past 3 weeks, but each Sunday he has been increasingly hostile right when I’m getting ready to leave. He starts complaining about how long I’ll be gone, and making comments about how stupid it is and a waste of time. I know I should probably speak to a priest for advice, I just don’t know what to do. I know that IM the one who’s changing since I really wasn’t into this pretty much the whole time we’ve been together. I just feel like this is too big to ignore… I mean having these feelings/ callings TWICE and both times right before Easter. I have this feeling like if I ignore it again I won’t have another chance. I also feel so at peace at mass now, while in the past I was always bored. I even bought a rosary and have been praying it nearly everyday. It just feels so right. And to top it all off Father Tom’s speech on Easter was about commitment, and how it can be messy and cause all kinds of chaos but that commitment is what God and Jesus want from us. I have spoken to my Godmother about it and her main advice is" baby steps". I guess I’m just looking for any insight or support or prayers for my husband and my babies. Sorry I just wrote a novel. Thank you all and God bless you.

I like pensmama’s advice about offering him an equal amount of time to do whatever.

If he complains about it being stupid or a waste of time, ask him what he would like to do. And keep asking (but nicely).

 

[littlelune810]

Thank you that is all very good advice. I know he is very sensitive about things (or people)coming between us. He actually said yesterday that he feels like this is going to change me and not in a good way and that he already thinks it’s making us drift apart. Now I have been mindful to not talk about it, and to be cheerful and sweet when I get home from mass. I will just have to find a more low key approach. Also I do think I haven’t been very supportive of some.of his hobbies will try harder in that area definitely. I am a sahm so helping more around the house and with the kids isn’t really possible that’s pretty much all I do

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you that is all very good advice. I know he is very sensitive about things (or people)coming between us. He actually said yesterday that he feels like this is going to change me and not in a good way and that he already thinks it’s making us drift apart.

You guys have been together long enough to know that you can’t fill all of each other’s needs and you don’t have to be everything for each other. You ought to be the most important person to each other, but there is room for each of you to have friends and hobbies and free time.

Good luck!

 

[Used2beSherryG]

I have a similar experience. Husband became very hostile, talked of leaving me, and other manipulations to get me to stop attending mass. I did nothing but reassure him that my faith journey was important to me and I really had no choice but to answer God’s call. I stressed how my faith could only make our marriage better, etc. Finally, about two years in, my husband again became very agitated and gave me an ultimatum. He knew how important my faith was to me as evidenced by my constant efforts and Mass attendance. I finally told him that I could not turn my back on Jesus as I had done so many years earlier and if he had to leave me over it, I would be sad but would understand. Long story short, a year later, he participated in petitioning the Church to have our marriage blessed by our Church. We were married in the church in November 2009. He’s still not going to Mass, but supports me totally in my commitment. When we have travel plans, he finds me the nearest Catholic Church to attend on vacation Hang in there and let him see how much you love God and how steadfast you are in your faith.

 

[edarlitrix]

Hey, I recommend you read The Diary of Elisabeth Leseur.

 

[littlelune810]

Hey, I recommend you read The Diary of Elisabeth Leseur.

Thank you! I just ordered it for ny Kindle and will start reading it tonight. I looked up her brief bio on Wikipedia and that is an incredible story. I can’t wait to learn more of it!

 

[littlelune810]

I have a similar experience. Husband became very hostile, talked of leaving me, and other manipulations to get me to stop attending mass. I did nothing but reassure him that my faith journey was important to me and I really had no choice but to answer God’s call. I stressed how my faith could only make our marriage better, etc. Finally, about two years in, my husband again became very agitated and gave me an ultimatum. He knew how important my faith was to me as evidenced by my constant efforts and Mass attendance. I finally told him that I could not turn my back on Jesus as I had done so many years earlier and if he had to leave me over it, I would be sad but would understand. Long story short, a year later, he participated in petitioning the Church to have our marriage blessed by our Church. We were married in the church in November 2009. He’s still not going to Mass, but supports me totally in my commitment. When we have travel plans, he finds me the nearest Catholic Church to attend on vacation Hang in there and let him see how much you love God and how steadfast you are in your faith.

This has been the main solution I’ve come up with on my own - to let him see that I’m not just dabbling and am committed to my new found faith, as well as still committed to him. Thank you. It helps to hear that it has worked out for others!