Long-needed update from old post

[FeralFemale]

Here is the post I am talking about

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=470577

I was seriously considering divorcing my husband because of his drinking. Someone posted that I should call the cops on him because he was drinking and driving…I didn’t because I knew that the route home didn’t endanger anyone else and…worse…that it would affect my life too much.

Well, the inevitable happened. He was arrested for dwi…in the bar parking lot, ironically. The idiot refused a breathelyzer so he got the worst sentence he could get for a one time dwi. He lost his job because of it…and all sorts of other just peachy and wonderful stuff. He still doesn’t have a job, by the way. He lost his license so he can’t get to a job – not unless he (we) pay a monthly fee for something he has to blow into every time he drives. We could afford that, but he still hasn’t gotten a job.

I hoped the dwi would end up being a good thing…and it was…for a time. He quit drinking for about two or three weeks. Know when he started again? When he had to go into town for the court mandated AA meetings. He was in town and couldn’t stay away from the bar. Whatever the AA meetings and court mandated substance abuse therapy dredged up made him go right back to drinking.

I tried to be understanding. He is a sensitive sort, and I could almost understand, as angry as I was, that the meetings and therapy would drive him to drink. He is sensitive but not all that introspective.

He started being a house husband and taking care of me, dinner, etc, but he kept going to the bar that one time a week when he went to his meeting. To be honest, I was kind of relieved. He was spending every night for hours at the bar, so one night a week seemed like heaven.

Now those no account dirtbags he calls friends are giving him rides to and from the bar. He is going around four days a week. Yes…I said days…he is going during the afternoons while I am at work. When I come home and see he is not here I just about want to smash every window in the house.

I cannot do this anymore. We have not gone to therapy because I don’t see the point. He has been going and it hasn’t helped. He lies to the therapist, I’m sure.

I want out. Out out out. I wasted the best years of my life on him. And because of his drunkeness we are childless. I am 40 years old with no hope of having children.

I am tired of being ‘understanding’. I am tired of looking at his alcoholism as a ‘disease’. I don’t care how much he loves me or how much I love him. I’ve got nothing anymore in this world except for my career. All he is at this point is a burden. I know I took this burden on when we married. I made a commitment to him and God. But I can’t deal with this anymore.

Tonight he came home at 5:30pm absolutely wasted. He passed out on the couch and stumbled upstairs to bed a couple of hours later.

He was not like this when we married…or maybe he was. I don’t know. We were younger and everyone went out every night and partied. I stopped. He didn’t.

This week I will start a new bank account and cut him off. What else is there to do? I’m sure there will be blow back…but…you know…I have been doing well for myself. I’ve been getting promotions and raises and, yet, we still never seem to have any money because of his drinking. I’ve had enough. I’m sick of working very hard, every day, and never seeing the reward because of him. I am sick of worrying about him when he isn’t home and out drinking.

Thank you for reading. I guess I don’t have a question. I needed to rant. I know what I need to do…

 

[horselvr]

How sad.

My brothers X wife was an abusive alcoholic. He worked two jobs trying to hold it all together and his health was failing. Heart attack, diabetes, kidney failure.

I feel a lot of his health issues were due to the stress he was constantly under. They were married for 32 yrs and finally he had had enough.

He only lived 5 yrs after his divorce but at least he had 5 yrs of peace.

Peace to you.

 

[Godfollower]

It is my understanding from those who have reason to know that groups like Al-Anon are helpful for spouses in your position, even if the alcoholic spouse won’t quit drinking. There is help, there are tips about how to deal with him, and there is the fellowship of people who really do know what you’re going through and can help you sort out what to do next.

You have my condolences and prayers. I hope that you will find God in everything you’re going through, and I wish you the best.

 

[starryheart]

I’m praying for you. Receive the Sacraments often, especially Jesus in Holy Communion. He will strengthen you. I’ll be praying that he stops drinking.

 

[Viki63]

I feel for you.
My husband was sober for 17 years but then started drinking again, and it seems to snowball. He’ll swear he’ll never do it again, then 2 days later, it happens.
It’s really sad. I think he started because he lost his job, and hasn’t been able to find another for 5 years.
I put the Club on his car and he can’t drive it. The car is registered in both our names, and I didn’t want to be responsible for someone’s death or accident. My husband has some of those “Friends” too, who will take him to bars.
I started going again to Al-anon last week. It will not solve the problem, but it will help me stay happier and focus on my needs. Even if you plan to divorce him, I suggest you find a meeting and go for awhile.
In the past, I’d get occasional calls at 2 or 3 AM, from my husband saying he was lost on the roads, or the police asking me to come get him or they’d take him in. I always went and rescued him, mostly because he has medical issues and needed to be in a safe place.
This week he called at 2 AM and asked me to come get him. I said no, you can get home by yourself. He’s in a wheelchair. He had to push himself up a steep hill, but he managed to do it.
I’m done going out at 3 AM. I don’t know what will happen in the winter, I have a friend whose alcoholic sister froze to death when she passed out in their garden. One step at a time.
But please go find an Al-Anon meeting. It’s easier when you know you’re not alone, and helps you get perspective.

 

[Mummsie]

Hi, really sorry to hear you’re going through this. I went through a similar situation many years ago. Al-Anon was a great help. I learned that I had also changed during the drinking years…and not for the good. I also learned that if i didn’t change myself I would wind up with another alcoholic. I know you’re frustrated and angry…understandably so. But for your sake consider giving Al-Anon a chance. It made a major difference in my life. My DH did find sobriety and we’ve been married for nearly 43 years. PM me if you have any questions about Al-Anon.

God bless you.