(long question on friendship and morality)

[Konohage]

Hello all! I have a situation which has been troubling me for some time.

I have an online friend who I’ve known for a year now (we only talk through emails; she lives on the opposite side of the country from me), and she has a lot of emotional and mental struggles, for which she is on medication for, but she has a lot of stress and depression and self esteem issues. I often try to cheer her up/encourage her with Bible verses and prayer (she’s a devout Christian, not Catholic, though), but lately it seems her anxiety has worsened.

Recently, her cell phone, which is her primary means of contacting me (and her other friends) broke, and she asked me to call her on her house phone (via Google talk, so I wouldn’t have to pay long-distance fees). It was kind of sudden, so I sent her an email asking why she wanted me to do so, but she has yet to reply. She usually just uses her phone to access the internet and email me, but it’s been malfunctioning. I think she’s a wonderful girl, but she sometimes gets very…needy, if you will.

My dilemma: I really, really don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone I know online via phone or any other similar device (skype, for example, which is very similar to google talk). So, I don’t want to call her, but I fear that if I refuse, I will be a very poor example of God’s love, and a very poor excuse for a friend in general. It’s not like I’m her only friend or anything, but she has told me that she sees me as a good example of the faith, a mentor, if you will.

If I were to refuse to call her, would that be morally wrong? I feel terrible for even wanting to refuse.

 

[CopyKat]

I’d listen to your gut on this one, and explain that it’s just your personal policy. Does she not have a computer? If she has a laptop she can go to starbucks (or the library or a million other places) to keep up with her online friends. That might be a good thing for her to do anyway if she has others that she draws support from as well.

I know EXACTLY what you mean by saying she’s… needy… and I don’t think you’re being uncatholic at all!!! How much worse would you feel if you end up having to dodge calls or worse, ask her to stop calling?

I’d let her know that while you don’t give your number out, you WILL include her in your daily prayers. There is nothing uncharitable about that!

Just the fact that this has concerned you and how her feelings will be affected is a testament to how good a friend you are.

God bless!

 

[Konohage]

I’d listen to your gut on this one, and explain that it’s just your personal policy. Does she not have a computer? If she has a laptop she can go to starbucks (or the library or a million other places) to keep up with her online friends. That might be a good thing for her to do anyway if she has others that she draws support from as well.

I know EXACTLY what you mean by saying she’s… needy… and I don’t think you’re being uncatholic at all!!! How much worse would you feel if you end up having to dodge calls or worse, ask her to stop calling?

I’d let her know that while you don’t give your number out, you WILL include her in your daily prayers. There is nothing uncharitable about that!

Just the fact that this has concerned you and how her feelings will be affected is a testament to how good a friend you are.

God bless!

Wow, thank you so much for this. This really, really helped me. I was feeling so awful over this whole thing, and this really made me feel better.

I just want to elaborate though–in the beginning of our friendship, I actually did give this friend my cell phone number, and I had to cut off communication via phone, because it got way out of hand. It was my fault, and it cost me; that is partly why I really don’t want to call her house phone, because I don’t want anything like what happened before to happen again. It got pretty awkward.

so, thank you! This makes me feel better about telling her no.

EDIT: I forgot to mention, the reason why she uses her phone is because she doesn’t have regular access to a computer.

 

[DianaCC]

I feel terrible for even wanting to refuse.

The Bible says “bear one another’s burdens”, not “burden one another”.

But keep several things in mind:

1. 
   *]You are ***not ***the only person she does this to.
   *]There is a reason why she is doing this to someone she met on the internet on the other side of the country. It’s because everyone else around her in real life has had enough of it.
   *]If you want to be a good example of God’s love, implement the Golden Rule and put yourself in her position, like this: If you were mentally ill and needy, would you want others to make themselves available to you out of their own Christian guilt so that you can put them in uncomfortable positions and drag them down? Of course not. Instead, what would you do? Probably you would commit yourself to dealing with your personal issues in ways that do not burden other people and suffocate friendships. And you would probably want others to stand up for themselves and to behave in healthy, self-respecting ways towards you and to expect the same from you in return, especially whenever you slip up and start imposing your neediness on them. So treat her the way you would like to be treated, if you were in her condition.

 

[Konohage]

The Bible says “bear one another’s burdens”, not “burden one another”.

But keep several things in mind:

1. 
   *]You are ***not ***the only person she does this to.
   *]There is a reason why she is doing this to someone she met on the internet on the other side of the country. It’s because everyone else around her in real life has had enough of it.
   *]If you want to be a good example of God’s love, implement the Golden Rule and put yourself in her position, like this: If you were mentally ill and needy, would you want others to make themselves available to you out of their own Christian guilt so that you can put them in uncomfortable positions and drag them down? Of course not. Instead, what would you do? Probably you would commit yourself to dealing with your personal issues in ways that do not burden other people and suffocate friendships. And you would probably want others to stand up for themselves and to behave in healthy, self-respecting ways towards you and to expect the same from you in return, especially whenever you slip up and start imposing your neediness on them. So treat her the way you would like to be treated, if you were in her condition.

1. 
   Thank you so much for this. I think this is exactly what I needed to hear. I actually did stand up for myself today and told her no. So, thank you! I agree with everything said here.