Long term relationship in question

[Ave_Maria53190]

Hello, I am seeking advice about a long term relationship. I am 24 and have been in this relationship for 4 years. We are both practicing Catholics. Met in college and have been out of college for 2 years now. I have a well paying job and live alone. But I do not enjoy living alone at all. My boyfriend finished his masters in Theology a few months ago and says he is waiting for a teaching job to come up. He will not make any commitment until he is earning money. In the mean time, I feel lonely living by myself and confused as to whether I am wasting my time. I also am concerned that the relationship may be bad for me spiritually, as I think the Church teaches that you should not date more than about 2 years. Advice is much appreciated. Thanks

 

[Miss_Felicity]

Hello, I am seeking advice about a long term relationship. I am 24 and have been in this relationship for 4 years. We are both practicing Catholics. Met in college and have been out of college for 2 years now. I have a well paying job and live alone. But I do not enjoy living alone at all. My boyfriend finished his masters in Theology a few months ago and says he is waiting for a teaching job to come up. He will not make any commitment until he is earning money. In the mean time, I feel lonely living by myself and confused as to whether I am wasting my time. I also am concerned that the relationship may be bad for me spiritually, as I think the Church teaches that you should not date more than about 2 years. Advice is much appreciated. Thanks

To my knowledge there is no teaching on the length of dating nor engagements. Many people advocate dating only until you are sure you want to marry and then becoming engaged with a wedding relatively soon to follow, this is not a church ‘rule’ but it is often believed to lessen or prevent near occasions for sin.

Only you can decide if this relationship is worth it or not. Your potential husband to be is concerned about how he will take care of himself and you which is a nobel concern, I don’t know the young man so its up to you to weigh if that seems accurate based on his behavior or if you think he is stringing you along or is having second thoughts.

 

[AussieTrish]

You are not obliged by the Church to date no more than two years. This is only a guidance for people who cannot follow Church teachings regarding succumbing to unchaste behavior.
You seem to have done well so far, and your friend seems responsible, so you can probably be patient for longer. Time will pass.

If you know he really cares about you, and isn’t just trying to dodge commitment, then waiting will be worthwhile in the end.

If you are not sure even after 4 years, maybe you need to have an honest talk with him. You have a right to know whether or not he is serious about you especially after so long a wait. You are justified in asking if he sees you as his choice of wife after he obtains work, or if he secretly wants to break off.

It actually isn’t unreasonable to become engaged but to wait for a marriage date when he finds work, so understandably you are perhaps hurt and confused. You do need to know if he has serious intentions about you, and to try to begin healing if he isn’t wishing to marry you at any foreseeable time. You need to know if you’re not 'wasting your time."

He needs to know that it hurts you not to know, but if you’re afraid of asking him then something’s not right. You shouldn’t have to be afraid to be honest with someone you love.

Please never rush into anything because you can’t bear being alone. Being with the wrong person or someone who doesn’t really love or consider you, is worse than being alone though you don’t know that yet and hopefully will never find out.

Any chance that in the meantime you cannot have the company of a small pet?

God guide and protect you.

Trish

 

[underacloud]

If you are not sure even after 4 years, maybe you need to have an honest talk with him. You have a right to know whether or not he is serious about you especially after so long a wait. You are justified in asking if he sees you as his choice of wife after he obtains work, or if he secretly wants to break off.

It actually isn’t unreasonable to become engaged but to wait for a marriage date when he finds work, so understandably you are perhaps hurt and confused. You do need to know if he has serious intentions about you, and to try to begin healing if he isn’t wishing to marry you at any foreseeable time. You need to know if you’re not 'wasting your time."

Couldn’t agree more!

Have an honest talk about this. And if you two can’t have an honest talk about this after four years, I think you can take that as an answer in itself.

I’d also suggest that his unwillingness to commit at this time is somewhat concerning. When you marry, and hopefully are blessed with children, your family comes first. That means jobs, careers, money, and other such matters are secondary. At the moment he seems to be putting that first. I’d find that concerning. Of course, he may have good and sensible reasons, which is why you need to have an honest discussion.

 

[retire_early]

A close friend of mine dated a guy from age 19, but by age 25, when they both had graduated from college and were working in their careers, it finally ended. There was always just one more goal that needed to be met: graduation, paying off bills, get a brand-new car, TV, own apartment, etc., etc, etc. She finally said enough and found her “forever husband” several years later after dating a lot of people.

I think some people are just not ready until their late 20’s - early 30’s.

 

[jaimeleglise]

Everyone has given you great advice. Yes, you must find out his intentions. You owe it to yourself. In the meantime, could you take up a hobby or join a Church group to help fill up your time?

 

[robwar]

Hello, I am seeking advice about a long term relationship. I am 24 and have been in this relationship for 4 years. We are both practicing Catholics. Met in college and have been out of college for 2 years now. I have a well paying job and live alone. But I do not enjoy living alone at all. My boyfriend finished his masters in Theology a few months ago and says he is waiting for a teaching job to come up. He will not make any commitment until he is earning money. In the mean time, I feel lonely living by myself and confused as to whether I am wasting my time. I also am concerned that the relationship may be bad for me spiritually, as I think the Church teaches that you should not date more than about 2 years. Advice is much appreciated. Thanks

there come a point in a relationship where either you guys are going to be married or there may have to be a parting of the ways. If some one keeps stringing you along with waiting till … (new job, etc) then you may have to let go and move on. If he is stringing you along, that isn’t being fair to you. If he can’t commit to marriage, then he needs to let you go.

 

[Lorelei12]

As others have mentioned, there are no “Church rules” about a maximum length of time to date. My now-husband and I dated for longer than you have. He had been out of work (laid off) for about a year and waited to propose until he found a job. We both felt that was sensible and responsible, as we did not want to start a family without being able to provide for that family.

If you do not enjoy living alone, you can get a roommate or a pet. That is a separate issue from the rest of this.

What have you discussed with him? It sounds like it has at least been brought up, if he says he does not want to propose without being employed. He has told you what his plan is, and it’s up to you to decide whether you can live with that or not, and for how long.

 

[Xantippe]

AveMaria_53190 said:

“Hello, I am seeking advice about a long term relationship. I am 24 and have been in this relationship for 4 years. We are both practicing Catholics. Met in college and have been out of college for 2 years now. I have a well paying job and live alone. But I do not enjoy living alone at all.”

If you hadn’t been dating for four years, would you still want to marry this person?

Your post was very brief, but you didn’t write anything special about him except for just basic resume type stuff: practicing Catholic, masters in theology, etc. Are you still deeply, passionately in love with him and excited at the thought of being together for real, or are you just afraid to be alone?

“My boyfriend finished his masters in Theology a few months ago and says he is waiting for a teaching job to come up. He will not make any commitment until he is earning money.”

If commitment means engagement, that’s sensible. He’s only finished his masters a few months ago. The hiring season for teachers is still running (right?), so it’s still early days.

On the other hand, if “commitment” means something less than engagement, it’s not reasonable.

Also, does he have a plan for if no teaching job materializes? Also, are the two of you prepared to raise a family on a Catholic theology teacher’s salary, or will you have to work indefinitely?

“In the mean time, I feel lonely living by myself and confused as to whether I am wasting my time. I also am concerned that the relationship may be bad for me spiritually, as I think the Church teaches that you should not date more than about 2 years. Advice is much appreciated. Thanks”

As people have mentioned, there’s no official church teaching on the subject.

At your age, I wouldn’t have been thrilled to be living alone and be dating so long, but as an older person, I would encourage you to be patient until September. He’s probably really stressed out about the job thing, especially after having put so much time and money into his graduate degree.

In the meantime, here are some things to do:

1. Consider a pet (if you like animals)
2. Consider a short-term roommate (maybe just for the summer)
3. Take a personal finance class with your boyfriend
4. Start seriously building savings for your eventual wedding and newlywed/new parent expenses
5. Work on at least one new interest, preferably two or more.

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

I would add that it is in your self-interest to be able to observe how he acts when he has a “real” job and is earning money. Long-term, if you get married, a lot of your happiness will depend on what kind of employee and worker he is, and how he handles money.

So, I would not regard this time as a waste.

 

[1ke]

Hello, I am seeking advice about a long term relationship. I am 24 and have been in this relationship for 4 years. We are both practicing Catholics. Met in college and have been out of college for 2 years now. I have a well paying job and live alone. But I do not enjoy living alone at all. My boyfriend finished his masters in Theology a few months ago and says he is waiting for a teaching job to come up. He will not make any commitment until he is earning money.

It sounds like both of you have been prudent in your planning for the future such as education and gainful employment.

If you do not “enjoy living alone” then perhaps you should get a roommate or consider living with your family. If you believe, however, that living with (or marrying) your boyfriend will magically make you happy then you are barking up the wrong tree. Marriage is a lot of work, and you cannot rely on it to magically fix other issues you have going on in your life. Get to the bottom of why you are unhappy.

Perhaps because he will not “make a committment”? What does that mean exactly? That he won’t set a date until he has a job, or that he won’t commit at all?

In the mean time, I feel lonely living by myself and confused as to whether I am wasting my time.

These are two different issues and I suggest you deal with them separately.

I also am concerned that the relationship may be bad for me spiritually

Why?

as I think the Church teaches that you should not date more than about 2 years.

The church has no such teaching.

 

[Xantippe]

Monicad,

It’s possible that this is a college relationship that has reached its sell-by date.

On the other hand, the OP is well-settled, so her boyfriend may feel uncomfortable marrying her if he doesn’t want to feel like a male golddigger. If that’s how he feels about it, that’s commendable.

 

[Ave_Maria53190]

Hi All,
Thank you for the advice and prayers. I really appreciate all of it!

To those who suggested a pet, I think this is a good idea. Also, I now realize that I should look at my living situation as a separate issue.

To clarify, by commitment, I mean an engagement and marriage.

Monicad, I can see your point…If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. This unfortunately seems like it could be true.

But I think Xantippe is onto something too. My boyfriend and I have discussed our differing points in life (me settled in a job for 2 years, him still looking), and I know that it is an issue here. Maybe I give it until the end of summer and make a decision then.