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StrawberryJam
Guest
What? If it were another person doing the same thing would it then be okay?
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Saul_DelTarso
Guest
No. A promise is a promise, regardless of who you make it to. Especially her, because she is having to support him, and because she CAN. I get your drift though.
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StrawberryJam
Guest
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BrokenFortress
Guest
Why doesn’t your husband at least apply at low, possibly minimum wage jobs? Something is better than nothing. I took on a job at almost minimum wage just to earn some extra money even though I have a bachelors degree. Sometimes it’s what you have to do. Eventually I will get back to earning what my degree is worth, but for now I make do. With the economy the way it is, he can’t really be picky.
I agree that perhaps he has to not mention all of his schooling on his applications. Put that he was doing volunteer work, or an internship. Something perhaps relating to his schooling but you don’t have to explicitly state that he has that degree. Especially when applying at lower income jobs. Many times those applications don’t go that far in depth.
I agree that perhaps he has to not mention all of his schooling on his applications. Put that he was doing volunteer work, or an internship. Something perhaps relating to his schooling but you don’t have to explicitly state that he has that degree. Especially when applying at lower income jobs. Many times those applications don’t go that far in depth.
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StrawberryJam
Guest
If he was volunteering, I agree he should mention it.
But, I would object to anyone falsely listing volunteer work that never did volunteer.
As a volunteer myself, the thought of someone doing that makes my blood boil.
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BrokenFortress
Guest
I’m not saying to lie. I’m saying mention whatever work he had to do while at school. I know for my degree we had to do an internship or other volunteer work.
But, for things like big box stores, fast food joints etc, they don’t get too in depth on their applications, so that he wouldn’t necessarily have to mention much at all on his application.
Because, even in my smaller town I’ve noticed that many of the restaurants, fast food places etc are hiring. I’m just saying that he really should be leaving no stone unturned because at this point some income is better than none.
But, for things like big box stores, fast food joints etc, they don’t get too in depth on their applications, so that he wouldn’t necessarily have to mention much at all on his application.
Because, even in my smaller town I’ve noticed that many of the restaurants, fast food places etc are hiring. I’m just saying that he really should be leaving no stone unturned because at this point some income is better than none.
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flyingfish
Guest
Like you’ve admitted yourself, men have fragile egos. Your husband is a highly educated man, he wants you to respect him. But you don’t. You treat him like a child, you put a limit on his credit card, you argue with him about what he buys.
No it’s not reasonable for him to buy collectibles when you’re struggling financially, but he’s intelligent enough to know this, and you telling him this changes nothing other than damage your relationship and turn it into a mother/child rather than husband/wife relationship.
He also made a sacrifice for you when he moved with you so you could finish your program, you’ve admitted yourself that hurt his career. He feels resentful, maybe blames you for not being able to get a job now.
If you don’t want to go the divorce route, you just have to stop treating the man like your son. Accept him for what he is, including the purchases you don’t approve of, and try to work from there. You can’t control a grown man’s spending habits, and reminding him that you’re the one working and so you should decide only damages your relationship, and even if you force him to change it will only breed more resentment.
Him saying he wishes he never married you is dangerously close to him realizing that he doesn’t have to be married to you. But you don’t seem to want to be married to him either.
Maybe your only chance is to put aside the disagreements and try to rebuild your relationship.
No it’s not reasonable for him to buy collectibles when you’re struggling financially, but he’s intelligent enough to know this, and you telling him this changes nothing other than damage your relationship and turn it into a mother/child rather than husband/wife relationship.
He also made a sacrifice for you when he moved with you so you could finish your program, you’ve admitted yourself that hurt his career. He feels resentful, maybe blames you for not being able to get a job now.
If you don’t want to go the divorce route, you just have to stop treating the man like your son. Accept him for what he is, including the purchases you don’t approve of, and try to work from there. You can’t control a grown man’s spending habits, and reminding him that you’re the one working and so you should decide only damages your relationship, and even if you force him to change it will only breed more resentment.
Him saying he wishes he never married you is dangerously close to him realizing that he doesn’t have to be married to you. But you don’t seem to want to be married to him either.
Maybe your only chance is to put aside the disagreements and try to rebuild your relationship.
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Wee_Flower
Guest
When a grown man throws temper tantrums about having unnecessary spending curtailed, and will not rationally approach the situation, month after agonizing month, what else can I do?
If you think I came to the decision to restrict credit card use lightly, you are sorely mistaken. However, I am protecting OUR joint finances, not just my or his money, by doing so.
His accumulation of things is filling a psychological need for him. I understand that. However, he cannot do so at the expense of me and our family resources.
Thankfully, the items he collects have value (i.e. not beanie babies or some such garbage). I enjoy his hobby, too, but that doesn’t mean now is the time to pursue it with as much gusto.
I thought I married someone years ago who would cope better with stressful situations. I think he and I are worn down by this situation. His parents and mine plus me encourage him in his job search, but so many rejections have nearly completely eroded his confidence in himself.
A friend told me that my husband and married life are like a rose – most of the time beautiful with a wonderful smell but with thorns. Now, I’m getting pricked once too often.
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dfp42
Guest
Ok,
So I did search on words in this topic and nowhere did I find the word prayer or pray. I see every other worldly solution from “grow up”, “I think you need physiological help” “No More mommy and daddy” etc, but no praying?
Are you two going to Mass together on Sundays? Are you two praying together, not alone? Are you both receiving the sacraments? How about the rosary? I question lately if we are all really praying and doing penance, does anyone really have the right to complain about being down in life?
It seems that most people have a solution but won’t dare mention the word pray.
First, let go of the situation, and let God. He will help you.
I tend to notice this on the forums. A lot of complaints and solutions based upon opinions, but very little mention of the power of prayer.
God bless you, don’t give up on hope.
So I did search on words in this topic and nowhere did I find the word prayer or pray. I see every other worldly solution from “grow up”, “I think you need physiological help” “No More mommy and daddy” etc, but no praying?
Are you two going to Mass together on Sundays? Are you two praying together, not alone? Are you both receiving the sacraments? How about the rosary? I question lately if we are all really praying and doing penance, does anyone really have the right to complain about being down in life?
It seems that most people have a solution but won’t dare mention the word pray.
First, let go of the situation, and let God. He will help you.
I tend to notice this on the forums. A lot of complaints and solutions based upon opinions, but very little mention of the power of prayer.
God bless you, don’t give up on hope.
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Wee_Flower
Guest
I always think of the parable of the widow who went to the judge, time and time again, to ask for a fair judgment.
I try to pray. I think my husband does, too. My husband (who is a cradle Catholic, by the way) sometimes speculates that God is the grand watchmaker that Theists believe in. Wind it up, and let it go. I don’t share his views on that issue, and I want to believe that there is a job for my husband.
But you are right – God is in control of the situation, and He’ll never put more on you than you can handle. However, I wish He didn’t have so much confidence in us on that count.
I try to pray. I think my husband does, too. My husband (who is a cradle Catholic, by the way) sometimes speculates that God is the grand watchmaker that Theists believe in. Wind it up, and let it go. I don’t share his views on that issue, and I want to believe that there is a job for my husband.
But you are right – God is in control of the situation, and He’ll never put more on you than you can handle. However, I wish He didn’t have so much confidence in us on that count.
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freerf
Guest
You limit your husband to 750 a month?! Gee thanks mom!
I grew up in a household with 4 sisters, a mother, no father and now am happily married while most of my sisters are not. What’s the problem? Well, IMHO, women today have a tendancy to try to run the house and mother the husband. Many men HATE that. The modern woman has also forgotten how to be dependant on her husband, through thick and thin. If the husband has not yet matured enough to run the finances of the house or show self-discipline, than the wife thinks she must do it. This is a mother-son relationship, not a husband-wife relationship. This will hurt your merriage.
What’s most important to you, your merriage or your finances? If you merriage is most important, I say, throw the finances in your husbands lap, grit your teeth, close your eyes and hang on. Many men NEED to feel like they are responsible for the family. If you’ve made up for all he lacks, he’ll never mature. Give him the reins and let him make mistakes.
I grew up in a household with 4 sisters, a mother, no father and now am happily married while most of my sisters are not. What’s the problem? Well, IMHO, women today have a tendancy to try to run the house and mother the husband. Many men HATE that. The modern woman has also forgotten how to be dependant on her husband, through thick and thin. If the husband has not yet matured enough to run the finances of the house or show self-discipline, than the wife thinks she must do it. This is a mother-son relationship, not a husband-wife relationship. This will hurt your merriage.
What’s most important to you, your merriage or your finances? If you merriage is most important, I say, throw the finances in your husbands lap, grit your teeth, close your eyes and hang on. Many men NEED to feel like they are responsible for the family. If you’ve made up for all he lacks, he’ll never mature. Give him the reins and let him make mistakes.
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dfp42
Guest
Yes, I agree.
A man loses his dignity when his responsibilities are striped of him in life. Even if perhaps it wasn’t his fault or he is without a job for now. Please don’t despair or give up on the situation. Have hope and trust. Try to do little things together, even if you are paying for the bills right know, know that things will change and tell him how much you love trust him in that it will be ok. Just try little things, one day, one step at a time, but don’t force it though. I’m sure he knows you love him and that Jesus loves him very much. If you feel that he might be forgetting that, please remind him. Try the best you can do, in the present moment (right now) Remember, love is not just a feeling, but a decision. Don’t worry so much. Things will be ok.
A man loses his dignity when his responsibilities are striped of him in life. Even if perhaps it wasn’t his fault or he is without a job for now. Please don’t despair or give up on the situation. Have hope and trust. Try to do little things together, even if you are paying for the bills right know, know that things will change and tell him how much you love trust him in that it will be ok. Just try little things, one day, one step at a time, but don’t force it though. I’m sure he knows you love him and that Jesus loves him very much. If you feel that he might be forgetting that, please remind him. Try the best you can do, in the present moment (right now) Remember, love is not just a feeling, but a decision. Don’t worry so much. Things will be ok.
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dfp42
Guest
“But you are right – God is in control of the situation, and He’ll never put more on you than you can handle. However, I wish He didn’t have so much confidence in us on that count.”
He has confidence in both of you because he is calling both of you to a life of holiness. Do not be afraid of this.
He has confidence in both of you because he is calling both of you to a life of holiness. Do not be afraid of this.
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richardwy
Guest
It ain’t easy when stuff goes south and you can’t find the compass.
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mlz
Guest
What a burden you are carrying…I will pray.
Lord, be near to the couple and bring Your touch of healing in so many ways. Provide for this couple materially, emotionally and spiritually. Turn what is hard and seems so bad into something good. Redeem this situation for Your Glory and may both of them come to know You more intimately and love each other more deeply. In the precious name of Jesus I pray, amen.
mlz
Lord, be near to the couple and bring Your touch of healing in so many ways. Provide for this couple materially, emotionally and spiritually. Turn what is hard and seems so bad into something good. Redeem this situation for Your Glory and may both of them come to know You more intimately and love each other more deeply. In the precious name of Jesus I pray, amen.
mlz
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flyingfish
Guest
But you said yourself it hasn’t worked, and he just ran up debts on the other card. If you limit the other card, he could always get a new card, and keep getting new cards, no? Wouldn’t it be pointless to put a limit on his credit card then?
You just have to find some way to get away from the whole mother/son dynamic with him. He probably feels very bad around you, and probably feels like you don’t respect him/look down on him. That would make anyone want out of the marriage.
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Imryl
Guest
Don’t listen to the people telling you you ought to let him spend what he wants.
Part of being in a marriage is working together as a team and doing what is best for both persons involved. If he can’t do that, then he’s not living up to his end of the deal. It also doesn’t make it any less necessary for someone to step in until the husband matures and becomes responsible.
You don’t “rely” on a husband that’s not reliable and responsible. You do your best to help and foster responsibility until such a time he’s able or willing to do what is necessary.
My husband was also financially irresponsible when we married. However, even when he was the sole bread winner I made it very clear that there was no, his and her money. It is family money and it must be used responsibly. No more buying random computer equipment, or tools, or other junk unless it was necessary.
Then I put him in charge of the money and he had to explain to me any purchases made that didn’t appear necessary, why there was an overdraft for whatever reason, why we weren’t able to stay in budget, ect.
Teaching someone an important life skill that they don’t have is not “mothering”.
By the way, now my husband takes care of all our finances even though the tables have turned and he’s in school now while I work to pay the bills. I haven’t looked at the bank account in a year or so… he tells me when we’re ok to spend and when we’re not.
Men, get over yourselves. If you want to be treated like a man, then act like it.
To the OP: You’re doing a good job, hang in there! Pay off the credit cards first if you don’t do that regularly every month… before putting things into savings.
Part of being in a marriage is working together as a team and doing what is best for both persons involved. If he can’t do that, then he’s not living up to his end of the deal. It also doesn’t make it any less necessary for someone to step in until the husband matures and becomes responsible.
You don’t “rely” on a husband that’s not reliable and responsible. You do your best to help and foster responsibility until such a time he’s able or willing to do what is necessary.
My husband was also financially irresponsible when we married. However, even when he was the sole bread winner I made it very clear that there was no, his and her money. It is family money and it must be used responsibly. No more buying random computer equipment, or tools, or other junk unless it was necessary.
Then I put him in charge of the money and he had to explain to me any purchases made that didn’t appear necessary, why there was an overdraft for whatever reason, why we weren’t able to stay in budget, ect.
Teaching someone an important life skill that they don’t have is not “mothering”.
By the way, now my husband takes care of all our finances even though the tables have turned and he’s in school now while I work to pay the bills. I haven’t looked at the bank account in a year or so… he tells me when we’re ok to spend and when we’re not.
Men, get over yourselves. If you want to be treated like a man, then act like it.
To the OP: You’re doing a good job, hang in there! Pay off the credit cards first if you don’t do that regularly every month… before putting things into savings.
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mlz
Guest
What a burden you are carrying…I will pray.
Lord, be near to the couple and bring Your touch of healing in so many ways. Provide for this couple materially, emotionally and spiritually. Turn what is hard and seems so bad into something good. Redeem this situation for Your Glory and may both of them come to know You more intimately and love each other more deeply. In the precious name of Jesus I pray, amen.
mlz
Continuing in prayer for you
Lord, be near to the couple and bring Your touch of healing in so many ways. Provide for this couple materially, emotionally and spiritually. Turn what is hard and seems so bad into something good. Redeem this situation for Your Glory and may both of them come to know You more intimately and love each other more deeply. In the precious name of Jesus I pray, amen.
mlz
Continuing in prayer for you
P
PaulinVA
Guest
pro bono pro bono pro bono pro bono pro bono
He needs to get to the county legal aid office or Catholic Charities or something and begin working as a lawyer. He’s not making any money now, so he can advance his career and do good for others.
That way, he gets experience. He explains it as a way to give back for a year or whatever. He meets other lawyers. Maybe he gets to go to court, or at least file things with the clerk.
Momentum. That’s what he needs. Momentum and self worth and a reason to get up in the morning.
Unfortunately, I think there’s more to this than just unemployment in a bad economy.
He needs to get to the county legal aid office or Catholic Charities or something and begin working as a lawyer. He’s not making any money now, so he can advance his career and do good for others.
That way, he gets experience. He explains it as a way to give back for a year or whatever. He meets other lawyers. Maybe he gets to go to court, or at least file things with the clerk.
Momentum. That’s what he needs. Momentum and self worth and a reason to get up in the morning.
Unfortunately, I think there’s more to this than just unemployment in a bad economy.
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chypmonk
Guest
I think this is a practical suggestion. Just sending out resumes in this economy is not enough. the online job hunting seldom works, networking is necessary.You need him meet people that can help him find a job face to face. the more people he will meet the better his chances of rectifying the problem. He may even get a permanent job at Catholic Charities. And if the gap in employment has you and him so worried well he better volunteer somewhere-- time is a ticking.
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