Long unemployed spouse + financial problems = marital trouble

[Corinne3]

I don’t blame you for this. You’re probably beginning to feel very resentful right?

Here’s what I would do in your situation, but this is only me.

I would quit my job, and get something only part-time. I would say “honey, it’s just too much for me to carry all the burden of all our finances anymore, so I’ve decided to quit my job and work part-time at such and such a place”. Then say, “I know you’ll find something soon”.

You see, as long as you’re paying for everything, he feels no pressure to be the man and be financially responsible and step up to the plate. And, well, he’s taking awful advantage of you as well.

Just my measly 2 cents…but I think it will light a match under his rear, and relieve you too of so much pressure.

Good Luck:thumbsup:

 

[Cat]

Go buy an excellent book called Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson.

It might save your marriage.

You are NOT being too tough on him. If anything, you are allowing him to continue to act like a little boy, or perhaps it is his parents who are enabling him to act like a little boy. If I were his parents, I would kick him out of the house and tell him to get home and find as many odd jobs as possible to support his wife. But I’m not his mom.

Since when does the wife support the husband if he is not ill or temporarily out of work. His unemployment sounds permanent–can’t you see that he never intends to get a job? Why should he? He has you and his parents to support him. There is no need for him to work.

If I were you, I would totally stop supporting him. I would give him absolutely NO money at all for any necessities.

I can hear it now–the objections from those who feel that this is cruel and that you promised to take care of him. Don’t listen. It is more cruel to allow him to live life as a freeloader. FORCE him to take care of himself. Unless you know that he is mentally-ill or physically unable to take care of himself, then you are doing him no favors to let him continue to live in perpetual childhood. Make him become a man. He will thank you for this.

In the meantime, cut your own living expenses as much as possible, spending only what you need and saving the rest. If you are living in a house, take in roomies to help pay for the mortgage (and they would probably enjoy having a real house instead of just an apartment) and save the money. Try to keep as reliable a car as possible and keep it well-maintained in case you have to get away in a hurry. Sock away as much money as possible where your husband cannot get at it. Try to save at least a year’s salary or more, because you are living on top of a time bomb here. Your husband sounds like he has no clue about spending money, and someday he will inform you that he has just “invested” all your assets in some horribly silly collectible, and you and he will be flat broke. So be a wise woman and provide a buffer for yourself so that you are not destitute.

And buy that Dobson book! You are to be commended for wanting to stay in the marriage. But you can’t stay married to a little boy. Help him to grow up.

 

[Saul_DelTarso]

Don’t tolerate one more minute of this nonsense.

Buy a one way Greyhound bus ticket from his Mommy’s house.

Don’t send him one solitary dime more, cancel his credit card.

Replace it with one YOU control.

Be certain he reads this thread the night before he gets on the bus.

Tell him to use the time on the bus to think.

If he wants some toys or gets hungry between now and then,
his Mommy can fix him some food, lend him her car, and buy him toys.

She can also fix him a lunch box for the bus.

Please don’t tell me you’re seriously considering letting this go on for another day.

Pray he gets on the bus

 

[tammy57]

You limit your husband to 750 a month?! Gee thanks mom!

I grew up in a household with 4 sisters, a mother, no father and now am happily married while most of my sisters are not. What’s the problem? Well, IMHO, women today have a tendancy to try to run the house and mother the husband. Many men HATE that. The modern woman has also forgotten how to be dependant on her husband, through thick and thin. If the husband has not yet matured enough to run the finances of the house or show self-discipline, than the wife thinks she must do it. This is a mother-son relationship, not a husband-wife relationship. This will hurt your merriage.

What’s most important to you, your merriage or your finances? If you merriage is most important, I say, throw the finances in your husbands lap, grit your teeth, close your eyes and hang on. Many men NEED to feel like they are responsible for the family. If you’ve made up for all he lacks, he’ll never mature. Give him the reins and let him make mistakes.

All women do not behave alike, freerf, so please dispense with the collective damnation. The “modern woman” should not be vulnerable enough to allow her husband to call all the financial shots, particularly if she is working and contributing funds to the management and maintenance of the household. In WeeFlower’s case, she has earned the right to manage the finances in the absence of a responsible marriage partner. Understand? It is her right, not a privilege granted from her big, strong, protective husband. If this is a mother/son relationship, it is his own mother, not his wife, who is culpable in all of this for agreeing to allow him to return to the safe sanctuary of his mommy’s home. “Many men NEED to feel like they are responsible for the family”?? Why don’t they just assume that responsibility and quit focusing on what they “NEED” or looking for applause for doing something that is simply ordinary. Marriage is not about assuaging the male ego to keep peace. This husband needs to grow a spine or he will end up running this overburdened wife out of his life.

Give him the reins, WeeFlower, but get your own horse.

T57

 

[Wee_Flower]

I am a professional woman, and will not ever be destitute so long as my mind is intact and functioning.

Just so you know, my husband and I are thinking about starting a new business for him to operate. I am self-employed, and have been quite successful at it.

The reason he went to stay with his parents was not to “run away” but to seek employment in a large metropolitan area that is approximately 20 x the size of where our marital home is. If he found something there, we would transition to move there, and I would relocate my business. His parents are trying to help both of us by giving him a place to live for his job search.

It is disappointing to me that so many people were encouraging divorce on what I thought was a forum with a faithful Catholic orientation. And although I appreciate the advice on the Dobson book, his approach – let your wayward spouse know you are setting them free – smacks of a game to be played. I do not play games with a marriage.

I am a tenacious and strong-willed woman, and will not let my husband go on the pretense of some self-help book. My vows mean something to me, and while maybe some of you think I am foolish for wanting to stay with my husband, I am trying to ride out the “worse” to find the “better” once again. When I married, I married for life. Maybe he needs me as much as I need him.

My grandmother was married to a sweet man who liked to drink when he was younger. They remained married until he died, and she serves as a great example of strength and endurance during the hard times of the depression and marital discord.

Maybe it was a grave mistake for me to seek “advice” in such a public forum as this – anonymity notwithstanding. Most of the advice I have received would just fuel resentment and power plays between me and my husband.

My heart is telling me to work with my husband, because I promised to do so. My head is telling me to make the finances situation clear. With God, nothing is impossible, and that is something that some of the posters haven’t factored into their advice. That lack of a divine perspective is quite regrettable to me.

 

[wabrams]

But why does he have to tell anyone he is a lawyer? He must have done something like helped at a church or something and just say he was a volunteer in those years of unemployment. He doesn’t have to mention his higher education, if it won’t help. That just seems like common sense.

So it is acceptable to lie to get a job? And what does he do if he gets hired and the employer finds out he lies and fires him? Imagine when he gets in the door of a law firm for an interview and has to admit to getting fired from a gas station for lieing; makes him real employable.

So what ? Be little creative. 3-4 year gap? I know a man who had a 7 year gap and he works at a call service. I don’t see any problem. If he is a lawyer he can’t be that stupid as to not think of a way to cover 4 measly years. These dead end jobs really don’t care all they want is someone who shows up and isn’t a criminal.

I’m not saying to lie. I’m saying mention whatever work he had to do while at school.

You are advocating lieing. If it asks for you education and you don’t put it down, that is a lie. If an interviewer asks about your education and you don’t give it to them, than that is a lie.

But, for things like big box stores, fast food joints etc, they don’t get too in depth on their applications, so that he wouldn’t necessarily have to mention much at all on his application.

But they do ask for all the applicants education.

Because, even in my smaller town I’ve noticed that many of the restaurants, fast food places etc are hiring. I’m just saying that he really should be leaving no stone unturned because at this point some income is better than none.

Good luck. a year and a half ago I was in x-ray school and found myself unemployed from my part-time job. No one would hire me b/c I was less than 6 mos from graduation and they figured I would be out the door as soon as a job in my field came open.

 

[Saul_DelTarso]

The advice I gave was intended to keep a divorce from happening, not cause one.

There’s already a game being played. Hide and seek.

Your confidence in your own abilities is admirable, and probably accurate. The danger is in thinking it extends to every aspect of your life.

What number of months of ZERO results in the major metropolitan area cause you to realize the problem has nothing to do with his location?

Patience and tenacity are good tools for entrepreneurs, but in this case it might be like using a wood chisel to clean your good china.

It could be time to get on that bus yourself, and use your formidable skills to get him to secure a JOB. Nobody who wants to isn’t working at something.

Keep making excuses. It sounds great. It may not be helping your marriage, though.

 

[dulcissima]

Wee Flower,

The most important thing you can do for your husband is to support him emotionally, to build him up, and encourage him. I think him living with his parents and looking for a job in theory sounds good, but in practice has been devastating to his self esteem. He needs to know that you need him there with you, that he is important to you and that you will never stop believing in him.

I think the pro bono idea is that best suggestion so far. In addition to that though, you need to build up his self esteem. Listen to him with interest when he talks. Get out of the house and do things together, go on hikes, to lectures at your church or at the university, go out to museums, or historic points of interest. Cook a special meal for him. Pursue him sexually. All of this should help to pull him out of the rut that he is in. If none of that seems possible, if he is too down in the dumps, please make sure he gets the counseling that he needs.

Praying for you…

 

[freerf]

I am a professional woman, and will not ever be destitute so long as my mind is intact and functioning.

Just so you know, my husband and I are thinking about starting a new business for him to operate. I am self-employed, and have been quite successful at it.

The reason he went to stay with his parents was not to “run away” but to seek employment in a large metropolitan area that is approximately 20 x the size of where our marital home is. If he found something there, we would transition to move there, and I would relocate my business. His parents are trying to help both of us by giving him a place to live for his job search.

It is disappointing to me that so many people were encouraging divorce on what I thought was a forum with a faithful Catholic orientation. And although I appreciate the advice on the Dobson book, his approach – let your wayward spouse know you are setting them free – smacks of a game to be played. I do not play games with a marriage.

I am a tenacious and strong-willed woman, and will not let my husband go on the pretense of some self-help book. My vows mean something to me, and while maybe some of you think I am foolish for wanting to stay with my husband, I am trying to ride out the “worse” to find the “better” once again. When I married, I married for life. Maybe he needs me as much as I need him.

My grandmother was married to a sweet man who liked to drink when he was younger. They remained married until he died, and she serves as a great example of strength and endurance during the hard times of the depression and marital discord.

Maybe it was a grave mistake for me to seek “advice” in such a public forum as this – anonymity notwithstanding. Most of the advice I have received would just fuel resentment and power plays between me and my husband.

My heart is telling me to work with my husband, because I promised to do so. My head is telling me to make the finances situation clear. With God, nothing is impossible, and that is something that some of the posters haven’t factored into their advice. That lack of a divine perspective is quite regrettable to me.

Well said. It wasn’t a mistake to post, however, you are providing a good example of how a Christian woman deals with marital problems.

If your husband loves you, is faithful, and commited, he’s a keeper. The finances come and go.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

WeeFlower,

You are in an impossible situation here. You are concerned about your husbands ego – but I think he’s not really helping himself on that front. It must be frustrating for him to have you support him, but it’s hard to feel sorry for him when he’s wasting money. I can’t imagine why he needs $950 a month when his parents are housing and feeding him. I think that’s why some people here are being so harsh – he really is acting like a child in many ways.

I agree with other posters who have said he could volunteer. Also, maybe he could join a professional organization? Make some contacts that way. Also, is his job search nationwide? Perhaps he really needs to cast his net wider. Does he attend job fairs? When he doesn’t hear back from employers, does he follow up? Does he write individual cover letters, or are they boilerplate? When I was recruiting, I HATED boilerplate covers. Made me feel the applicant wasn’t really interested in my specific job I was filling, just blanketing the world with their resume. I know it’s really discouraging to look for a job after a long time, but he must stay focused, and make sure he is really putting his all into it – not just sending out 50 resumes a week and then forgetting about them, and then tallying up the resumes, saying “Oh, now I’ve sent out 700 resumes, and NOTHING!”

And lastly, has he contacted any headhunters? Not temp agencies, permanent job placement professionals? There is usually no cost to the job seeker for these services – the employer pays the fee. I used to work in Human Resources and we often used head hunters, even in the bad economy because it’s about the same fee as placing a bunch of ads, the head hunter does a lot of the leg work, and usually if the applicant doesn’t work out, the headhunter refunds their fee (or re-fills the job free of charge).

What about the law school he attended? Do they have a Career services office? Has he asked for their help?

I also think the day-labor idea was a good one – you said he has construction experience? If he works on a temp basis for a contractor, they won’t care that he’s not long term, and I think it would help him to feel like a contributing member of the family.

Good luck, you’re in a hard position, but it sounds like you’re determined. Just keep loving him and encouraging him…but try to find a way to stop enabling him. I guess counseling is probably the best way to do that.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I’m decidedly unqualified to comment on the marriage portion of your post, WeeFlower; I’m not married, never have been married, and haven’t even been in a really serious relationship, so I’ll not touch that with a ten-foot pole.

I am somewhat experienced in the lower-end job market, though. Retail is how I’ve put myself through school, and I also have a job at my school.

If he has an advanced degree, he may well be able to do a bit of adjunct teaching at the local community college or, depending on how advanced that degree is, at a university. One important thing with adjunct work that I’ve noticed is that the applicant who gets the job is the one who goes to the trouble of walking into the chair’s office, handing in a resume, transcripts, and letters of rec, and being willing to take whatever classes are offered. (I work as an assistant for a chair of a department at school, and we’re in the process of hiring adjuncts now. For each position, we had 4-6 applicants, and every. single. time., the one who made the application both complete–all transcripts in hand, etc–and personal got the job. The majority of applicants merely sent an inquiring email, and one or two of them got a class here or there, but the ones who went the extra mile generally either got hired or were guaranteed a class or two for the following semester.)

In the retail world, advanced degrees can be a mixed bag. There are certain types of retail jobs that, while inevitably low-paying, do look for more educated people. Too, they usually offer insurance. If he’s willing to work in retail, ask him if he has applied to the local bookstores. Again, make it personal and professional. If someone hands me an application and the applicant is wearing sagging jeans or is unshaven (even if he’s just handing in the application and isn’t scheduled for an interview), he is not going to go to the head of the line. In this economy, employers can pick and choose…and they most certainly do!

I’ll pray for you both this afternoon.

 

[freerf]

I think the heart of this post and problem of the OP isn’t the husband. The husband is. It is not his post, and it may not be his desire to change. Our response should not be advice on how she can change him, or force him to do this or that, or what she should suggest to him. Forget all that. It’s junk.

The question is this: what would God have HER do. How can HER behavior change, her heart, her attitude.

Assuming the worst, that this man is merely taking advantage of his wife, and that no bit of advice is going to change his behavior - and this I highly doubt- the issue remains the same. What would God have HER do.

Some of you suggest she get self-righteous and mad. That she tighten the leash. In all this I can’t help but see folly when contrasted with the Cross of Christ and His attitude. And, as a married man I predict he will resent you for this. You may be justified. So what?

Alternatively, the response could reflect the love of Christ. Be patient, gentle, loving and gracious. Turn the other cheek. Pray, pray, pray. Remember your vows before God and community.

We can be certain God will bless you for these, though in what way we cannot know. Again, your husband sounds to me like he’s merely going through a bit of a rough patch. Let him. Wait it out. In one year he’ll be back on top. What’s a few thousand dollars lost? Seriously? It’s only Peanuts. He’ll make that up in his first year as a lawyer. (Or a couple years later.)

In the future you’ll remeber this as either the time you were able to force your husband to “be a man” , or as your husband’s own victory with you as the supportive wife. Which would you prefer?

 

[taben]

Haven’t read all the replies but…
It seems clear that he is not willing to step up and be a man and husband. Life is not perfect, you have to make the best of things. In doing so you have to also make tough choices sometimes. He may need to come home to you, run the household FULLY and have you continue to work while he continues to look. But, sounds like he won’t do this.

He is being a baby. We knew a couple that was together for 20 years. Never had children, a stable home or consistent work (the husband). Eventually, she did leave him. He had a mountain of law school debt (though never completed law school) and did not want to bow down and work in a bookstore to help make ends meet. That was it for her.

Take the above as a warning. Pray A LOT. Talk to your priest regularly. If he will not change and be a leader or partner in your marriage, it will end up being very, very tough on you.

Anne

 

[Saul_DelTarso]

shop.catholic.com/product.php?productid=16672

 

[sharmin]

So what ? Be little creative. 3-4 year gap? I know a man who had a 7 year gap and he works at a call service. I don’t see any problem. If he is a lawyer he can’t be that stupid as to not think of a way to cover 4 measly years. These dead end jobs really don’t care all they want is someone who shows up and isn’t a criminal.

Be creative, but don’t lie. Maybe that’s the problem…he would have to lie to cover that gap?

 

[kpyn01]

Go buy an excellent book called Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson.

It might save your marriage.

You are NOT being too tough on him. If anything, you are allowing him to continue to act like a little boy, or perhaps it is his parents who are enabling him to act like a little boy. If I were his parents, I would kick him out of the house and tell him to get home and find as many odd jobs as possible to support his wife. But I’m not his mom.

Since when does the wife support the husband if he is not ill or temporarily out of work. His unemployment sounds permanent–can’t you see that he never intends to get a job? Why should he? He has you and his parents to support him. There is no need for him to work.

If I were you, I would totally stop supporting him. I would give him absolutely NO money at all for any necessities.

I can hear it now–the objections from those who feel that this is cruel and that you promised to take care of him. Don’t listen. It is more cruel to allow him to live life as a freeloader. FORCE him to take care of himself. Unless you know that he is mentally-ill or physically unable to take care of himself, then you are doing him no favors to let him continue to live in perpetual childhood. Make him become a man. He will thank you for this.

In the meantime, cut your own living expenses as much as possible, spending only what you need and saving the rest. If you are living in a house, take in roomies to help pay for the mortgage (and they would probably enjoy having a real house instead of just an apartment) and save the money. Try to keep as reliable a car as possible and keep it well-maintained in case you have to get away in a hurry. Sock away as much money as possible where your husband cannot get at it. Try to save at least a year’s salary or more, because you are living on top of a time bomb here. Your husband sounds like he has no clue about spending money, and someday he will inform you that he has just “invested” all your assets in some horribly silly collectible, and you and he will be flat broke. So be a wise woman and provide a buffer for yourself so that you are not destitute.

And buy that Dobson book! You are to be commended for wanting to stay in the marriage. But you can’t stay married to a little boy. Help him to grow up.

A very interesting solution. I was laid off from work about 18 months ago and have tried all means to get a new job, but being in a state with over 13% unemployment and from an industry that has more than double that, it has proved fruitless at the moment.

My wife, has a good job and has always earned more than me believes that I am not doing enough to find a job and has basically cut me off by refusing to talk to me and when she chooses to, not as a spouse should, not feeding me or giving me access to any money whatsoever thereby forcing me to live off my credit cards and occasional help from my family members. I have always been cautious with money, (she has never been) so she cannot accuse me of reckless spending. My salary always went into a joint account and I spent what was required to get to work and do my job.

She has done something similar to what this post suggests, and I don’t see how this is ever going to help the situation we are in except drive a huge wedge between us and drive us towards a divorce. What ever happened to the “for better, for worse” part of our vows? This appears to have been replaced by “for better only!” I fully understand that the financial worry, fears and stress that unemployment brings, but these are almost unprecedented times and not unique to me. Those who are somewhat long-term unemployed and doing their utmost to fine a new job, I’m sure do not subscribe to these measures from ones spouse.

 

[Onegin]

Wee Flower,

I’m not married and my situation isn’t identical to yours but I did graduate from law school in 2008 and have been struggling with a similar situation as your husband so, hopefully, I can add some perspective from his angle.

1. Your husband probably does not need psychological help on the facts you’ve given us alone. Assuming you took out student loans to pay for his debt and they’re now coming due, that’s enough to depress even the most psychologically healthy person. Couple that with unemployment and a bad situation becomes worse. The angry or hurtful things he says are probably an outcropping of this frustration and will pass with lots of regret.
2. Perspective, perspective, perspective. Irrational and irresponsible spending is one way that I’ve “eased” the pain of unemployment, massive debt and other financial issues. It’s a bad method but I’ve found that the best way to deal with it is to constantly keep an eye on the big picture. If I make a stupid spontaneous purchase that I don’t really need, I return it. I’ll need that money down the road when things are tight again. Don’t discourage the purchases, but encourage an attitude in him that will make him want to return the thing he bought, because you need the money for more important things. It’s all about perspective.
3. Pro-bono cases. The first thing I did when I passed the bar was to sign up for the local legal aid. Any lawyer would be silly not to. You get tons of experience, are doing some real good and it takes the focus off of your troubles and focuses on helping other people (though, admittedly, I have more than once commented on how some of my clients are in much better financial shape than I am. ). If your husband is in a metropolitan area then 9 chances out of 10 there is legal aid. If he’s volunteering, he can make legal contacts as lots of large law firms participate in these programmes.
4. Pray together. Again, I’m not married and I’m sure that adds a whole new dimension to the problem but oftentimes I really wish there was someone to support me and pray with me about these things. Divorce is certainly not the answer at a time when you can use each other’s support. You both have the graces that flow from marriage and should be putting them in practice! Pray together even if you’re not in the same location, say the Rosary for these intentions and then step back from your worries and put it all in perspective once again.
5. Ask him why he wanted to be a lawyer in the first place. If it was to make a lot of money, tell him to find a different profession. If it was to help others with their legal problems and to assist people in wading through issues that sometimes seem too complex to handle, then he can start with his own situation. How can he be prepared to assist other people with complex, legal tasks when he has not got his own circumstances under control? He needs to fix his perspective first and everything else is secondary. God is #1, marriage/family is #2 and finally, after all that is recognised in it’s proper place, a career is #3. #1 and 2 must never become subordinate to 3.

In the end, it’s just money. Just material things. Like all of us, both you and your husband have a challenge that lies ahead in separating yourself from worldly attachments. Don’t obsess over the loans - you can’t get blood from a turnip, set aside the calculator for a day or week and pick up a Rosary instead. Pray together. Volunteer, help others, and realise that you only get one shot at life and it would be a terrible waste to have spent it all on things that are petty when compared with eternity.

Perspective. Perspective. Perspective.

 

[Cupofkindness]

WF:

I would encourage you to attend daily Mass and Adoration as often as possible to help you carry this difficult burden without resentment or despair. Let the sacraments be the foundation on which your marriage is built from here on out.

There was a movie, a protestant movie called Fireproof. There is a scene when the husband, who is trying to earn his wifes love and respect (after he lost it), tells his own father how frustrated he is that his wife isn’t responding to acts of kindness and generosity. That he gives her so much and gets nothing in return. The father then reminds the husband (his son) that this is how it is with God. God gives us so much and we cannot begin to return to God what we owe him. Another movie, Catholic this time, would be Rita, about St. Rita, shows us the result of a lifetime of prayer and sacrifice for the soul of one’s spouse. When we measure ourselves, in terms of what we give, to what God has already given us in terms of life and eternal salvation, how can we compare to that? All of us require God’s love and mercy in order to gain eternal life. Remember eternity in all that you do with respect to your husband.

I have learned, primarily with my relationships with my teenage sons, that knowing that you do not measure up to someone’s expectations is absolutely crushing to them. It takes a great degree of love of God to deal with the frustrations that come hand in hand with someone who doesn’t seem to be doing what you think they should be doing. Not every man will be a material/social success or an inspiring leader or a fabulous father. How many great saints spent their lives opening doors or sweeping floors?

Your husband may be confused about the man God wants him to be. It is difficult for your husband to discern this under these dire circumstances. What a huge cross to bear for him and for you. Be humble but do not despair: you must accept the person that God gave you with hope and as much unconditional love as you can bring about. This is painful and almost impossible in the face of what seems to be failure. Your husband is not a failure… but he needs you very much to show him God’s love for him.

If your husband was fatally ill, or paralyzed, or blind, I have no doubt that you would be 100% behind him and do whatever it would take to make him happy in spite of his limitations. Well he is paralyzed in a different way. He is on a path that is absolutely confusing and is so lost that he cannot even think straight. It is heartbreaking. Of course you must be honest with your husband about your concerns, but your love for him must be so palpable that he could almost wrap his arms around it. Do not be afraid to talk to him, but take your cues of what he is able to “hear” from his responses to you. Avoid criticizing or dwelling on the past. Remind your husband that you are fully aware of the fact that you are not perfect either. Thank your husband for being faithful to your marriage vows, that in itself is such a good thing. Keep everything simple so the goal stays in focus.

Honestly, I find that tough love only works to a limited degree. After that it can seem like hate. Spend time in front of the Eucharist and let Jesus tell you how he wants you to be for the sake of your husband. God will only ask you to do things out of love for your husband. Pray for your husband and offer many sacrifices for him. That’s Jesus’ example of tough love, He died on a cross for our sins.

This is a spiritual problem and requires a spiritual solution. Much of the advice you have received so far is aimed at the material symptoms of this spiritual problem. I know you know that, which is why you have rightly corrected those posters. Do not be afraid. What is demanded here is a deeper love for your husband on your part. The graces of the sacrament of marriage will give you the strength to be Christ-like to your husband. You do not need to suffer silently, but you must find a way to speak to your husband that doesn’t place blame, rather that imparts hope. You seem to be a wonderfully capable, loving woman and I have no doubt that between you and your precious husband, you will work this out together.

Finally and most importantly, attend Mass together as often as possible, but no less than once a week. Meet in one city or another, or somewhere in between, but go to Mass each week on Sunday and spend the afternoon having fun and enjoying one anothers company, just like you did before life became so complicated. I will pray for you.

 

[kpyn01]

WF:

I would encourage you to attend daily Mass and Adoration as often as possible to help you carry this difficult burden without resentment or despair. Let the sacraments be the foundation on which your marriage is built from here on out.

There was a movie, a protestant movie called Fireproof. There is a scene when the husband, who is trying to earn his wifes love and respect (after he lost it), tells his own father how frustrated he is that his wife isn’t responding to acts of kindness and generosity. That he gives her so much and gets nothing in return. The father then reminds the husband (his son) that this is how it is with God. God gives us so much and we cannot begin to return to God what we owe him. Another movie, Catholic this time, would be Rita, about St. Rita, shows us the result of a lifetime of prayer and sacrifice for the soul of one’s spouse. When we measure ourselves, in terms of what we give, to what God has already given us in terms of life and eternal salvation, how can we compare to that? All of us require God’s love and mercy in order to gain eternal life. Remember eternity in all that you do with respect to your husband.

I have learned, primarily with my relationships with my teenage sons, that knowing that you do not measure up to someone’s expectations is absolutely crushing to them. It takes a great degree of love of God to deal with the frustrations that come hand in hand with someone who doesn’t seem to be doing what you think they should be doing. Not every man will be a material/social success or an inspiring leader or a fabulous father. How many great saints spent their lives opening doors or sweeping floors?

Your husband may be confused about the man God wants him to be. It is difficult for your husband to discern this under these dire circumstances. What a huge cross to bear for him and for you. Be humble but do not despair: you must accept the person that God gave you with hope and as much unconditional love as you can bring about. This is painful and almost impossible in the face of what seems to be failure. Your husband is not a failure… but he needs you very much to show him God’s love for him.

If your husband was fatally ill, or paralyzed, or blind, I have no doubt that you would be 100% behind him and do whatever it would take to make him happy in spite of his limitations. Well he is paralyzed in a different way. He is on a path that is absolutely confusing and is so lost that he cannot even think straight. It is heartbreaking. Of course you must be honest with your husband about your concerns, but your love for him must be so palpable that he could almost wrap his arms around it. Do not be afraid to talk to him, but take your cues of what he is able to “hear” from his responses to you. Avoid criticizing or dwelling on the past. Remind your husband that you are fully aware of the fact that you are not perfect either. Thank your husband for being faithful to your marriage vows, that in itself is such a good thing. Keep everything simple so the goal stays in focus.

Honestly, I find that tough love only works to a limited degree. After that it can seem like hate. Spend time in front of the Eucharist and let Jesus tell you how he wants you to be for the sake of your husband. God will only ask you to do things out of love for your husband. Pray for your husband and offer many sacrifices for him. That’s Jesus’ example of tough love, He died on a cross for our sins.

This is a spiritual problem and requires a spiritual solution. Much of the advice you have received so far is aimed at the material symptoms of this spiritual problem. I know you know that, which is why you have rightly corrected those posters. Do not be afraid. What is demanded here is a deeper love for your husband on your part. The graces of the sacrament of marriage will give you the strength to be Christ-like to your husband. You do not need to suffer silently, but you must find a way to speak to your husband that doesn’t place blame, rather that imparts hope. You seem to be a wonderfully capable, loving woman and I have no doubt that between you and your precious husband, you will work this out together.

Finally and most importantly, attend Mass together as often as possible, but no less than once a week. Meet in one city or another, or somewhere in between, but go to Mass each week on Sunday and spend the afternoon having fun and enjoying one anothers company, just like you did before life became so complicated. I will pray for you.

What a very objective post. How I can now try and relay this message to my wife, who has taken my unemployment ( I got laid off and my efforts to get a new job have not yet yielded the desired results) very badly and has stonewalled me, to lessen her very hardline stance would be helpful.

 

[silentstar]

Before we got married, the priest told us to be careful about money, that there was nothing like it for breaking people up.

I don’t have specific suggestions other than couples counseling or pastoral counseling. That doesn’t necessarily have to address deep psychological issues. Just sitting in a room and talking over your money concerns with a third party might help.

I heard something from a financial counselor once that was interesting. I think it was like your situation where the wife was frugal and the husband spent money. The counselor told them to switch roles and go shopping. The wife started pointing to all these expensive items in an electronics store and saying ‘oh this looks nice, I want this’ regarding things like TVs, etc. The husband listened to her and felt anxious about how much everything cost. She realized that she could enjoy shopping (which she had not thought before) and he realized that if she spent the money he would feel anxious. They didn’t make any purchases but they each saw the other’s point of view.

If you try this, it might work better if you actually go to a store that has a lot of things you would like to buy, rather than just talk in theory about spending money. Going to a store makes it more real.

Praying/attending Mass together will help if you can do it.

Good luck.