Long work commute and effect on family?

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k5thbeatle

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A dear long time friend recently confided in me that he is considering accepting a position he was recently offered for a new job. I’m going to keep this as brief as I can and not go into too much detail on purpose but here’s the gist of it; the pay increase is dramatically significant but there is one catch. The catch is it’s basically a 1hr 20 minute commute each way!

Again I won’t go into great detail but moving is not an option for the time being (nor likely to be an option). He’s younger 50’s, married but no kids at home.

I was hoping that some who might have had such long commutes might chime in and share their experience good, bad, or otherwise and specifically how it impacted your family life/marriage?

As I know and am familiar with his location unless I am mistaken the drive will be basically be state highway through mostly small unpopulated towns in the midwest.
 
Hi k5thbeatle,

I’m not the one with the long commute in our family, but my husband is.

He has a commute time like your friend does. He admits that it’s stressful for him. He allows plenty of time for his commute time when he leaves for work.

The commute is part highway and part local streets for him, in order for him to get to his job.

When the weather is bad, the commute time is increased, and he allows for it when going to work. Sometimes his commute time home is doubled during the winter when it’s snowing out.
 
Well, my first question is ‘Why are you asking for your friend?’ Should he be doing the asking if it meant that much to him. It makes me suspect that perhaps you are going behind his back to butt in with unwanted advice.

With that said and done, personally, I would go bonkers and if I had a long commute, it would definitely affect my performance at work if I lasted. On the other hand, I know a guy who loved commuting. He found his time alone in the car a great way to unwind after a long day at work. He actually took a job something like 5 hours away from where he lived so he HAD to move. Instead of getting a place close to his new job, he purposely got a place 1 hour away.

Different strokes for different folks
 
I have. It was mostly public transportation, which involved sharing a ride to get to the subway and then a longer subway ride. So it wasn’t the same. It did take a lot of time though. Some people worked a flex schedule so they’d get a day off every two weeks. It was tedious and I did wish that I didn’t have to do it.

Assuming he’s not a nervous driver, can deal with the weather, and will have enough time to decompress in the evenings, he would probably be fine. Having no kids at home will make life easier.

It sounds like there might not be much of a rush hour involved since he’s traveling through small towns. Traffic speed can really make or break a commute. Some people like to listen to audiobooks or music when driving while others find it too distracting.
 
It truly depends on the person and their patience level…especially if gas money and car wear and tear aren’t that much of a financial issue.

I depends on where he lives too. Is it a literal 1.5 hour due to distance alone or is there traffic involved?

Where I’m from, traffic is a nightmare, especially when you get into the big cities.

My husband is the type of person who wouldn’t mind doing a long commute…as long as it’s a straight shot with zero traffic and the hours are reasonable.

If there is traffic and he is working overnights or really long hours? Forget it.

It helps that he doesn’t have kids at home. I can’t imagine it would do too much, in terms of negative effect, on the marriage. Especially if he is working 8-10 hour shifts, the commute is relatively easy and stress-free (despite being long) and has weekends and holidays off.

My husband’s commute is about 40 minutes but his hours are insane. 13 hour shifts, rotating schedule, holidays and weekends are fair game, and the entire operation shifts from day to overnights every 3 months.

We do it because it is the absolute best job he can do for the best pay. But it’s been very hard on our marriage…well, a lot of things have been, but his schedule is a lot to handle.

I end up with the kids for 15 hours a day if they aren’t in school/day care. When my husband is on nights? All 24 hours are my responsibility with the kids and I have to keep them in line so he can sleep.

So, basically, from my perspective…it doesn’t seem so bad at all. Especially if his work hours are reasonable and he gets all holidays off and weekends off.
 
k5thbeatle said:
A dear long time friend recently confided in me that he is considering accepting a position he was recently offered for a new job. I’m going to keep this as brief as I can and not go into too much detail on purpose but here’s the gist of it; the pay increase is dramatically significant but there is one catch. The catch is it’s basically a 1hr 20 minute commute each way!

Again I won’t go into great detail but moving is not an option for the time being (nor likely to be an option). He’s younger 50’s, married but no kids at home.

I was hoping that some who might have had such long commutes might chime in and share their experience good, bad, or otherwise and specifically how it impacted your family life/marriage?

As I know and am familiar with his location unless I am mistaken the drive will be basically be state highway through mostly small unpopulated towns in the midwest.
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My DH had a commute around that length for about 3 years. For him, it wasn’t that big of a deal. For our family, it didn’t really have much of an effect except for some scheduling adjusting (bedtimes, etc). As a wife, what mattered was he had work and they appreciated him. He left quite early and got home for dinner, so it really wasn’t a problem. Due to the nature of his work, I was always the one “on-call” for sick kids, etc so that wasn’t anything new. He liked the long commute because it gave him thinking time. 🤷
 
My husband’s commute is 95 mins each way and he never runs into traffic. For him it is ideal. He has a nice relaxing drive long enough to get him out of work mode and into dad mode. It makes for peaceful homecoming each night instead of the grumpy dad that required down time and coffee before the kids could talk to him.
 
My husband had a 3-hour daily commute for years. It was awful. He was gone before the kids and I even woke up because he was trying to avoid morning rush hour. He then shoukd have been able to get home earlier, but almost everyone else worked until 5/5:30, so he was frequently called in on meetings. So most nights he’d get home about 6:30 or so, about an hour before the kids’ bedtime.

I was very resentful. I’ll say right now that I was wrong and fairly illogical. But I resented that the kids were 100% my responsibility. I usually neglected to remember that he was working for us.

Hindsight is so 20/20. Hubby now travels A LOT. The kids and I all have the flu now. With the old job, hubby could have taken a sick day to help out. But he’s all the way across the country right now.

Sorry for going off on a tangent. Yes, long commutes can certainly hurt family life, especially if one spouse feels like s/he in charge of house duties while spouse spends 3 hours a day in a nice, quiet, child-less car (I daydreamed about this while nursing, cooking dinner and helping with homework- with screaming children in the background).

I guess one question though is what is the wife’s schedule? If she works similar hours and leaves/gets home around the same time, it probably wouldn’t be a big deal.
 
No kids, straight shot on the highway, more money…as long as his wife isn’t being neglected I don’t see the harm. It will be a good opportunity to listen to Catholic radio as well.
 
My husband has a longish commute and I hate it. But I was spoiled when we first married because he could walk to work and frequently came home for lunch. He’s not fond of it either. We feel very far away from each other.

He is now actively looking for something closer (also higher pay). We also drive older cars so less wear and tear is good.
 
Well, being home every night beats what many families are doing around here. Due to two large projects in the area, husband or wife go off to a work site and live there in the camp for 2 weeks then come back home for a week.

Our next door neighbours (newlyweds with no kids) are living that now though I think he’s going back to his old job in the very near future.
 
Long commutes are killing our country in ways you might not think of.

I can’t believe how far some of my co-workers live from our job. They are literally getting up at 3 AM or so to beat the rush hour into the city and sleeping in their car for an hour before work. Then forget the commute home which in my tri-state area can take anywhere from 2, 3 and even 4 hrs. in bad weather and throw in an accident, well you might as well pull over and go to sleep.

There desperation to move out of the city to find a piece of grass and a white picket fence that they can afford has driven people to the far edges of the suburban world. It’s almost become a sickness, and they think nothing of the commute and the detrimental effects.

Well, these commutes are leaving people with little time for anything. Family, fraternal organization memberships, volunteer work, coaching, participating in politics, church attendance and other spiritual endeavors etc., etc. has all taken a back seat due to the “commute” and it’s having an effect on a lot of endeavors that people simply have no time for.

Well, we all have to make choices, but a long commute is not for me!
 
We live rurally, so we have had 45 min minimum commutes. We are both now commuting 1hr 10min/1 hr 25 min. During vacation season, when the world is headed on or off the island, my commute can be 1hr 50 min. As another poster mentioned, it’s a great time to decompress–I leave home the mom of many, get to work ready to birth babies. I leave work carrying whatever craziness and get home ready to teach Math and phonics.

I listen to EWTN, pray, catch up on phone calls, etc. I have a friend that does a language program in the car, and another that listens to audiobooks. It’s all in your attitude. If you look at it as a positive, productive time, it will be. If you look at it as a dreadful time-suck, it will be.
 
I once took a job that was a significantly longer commute for more pay, although not as long as what the OP mentions.

My former job took me 10 minutes to get to. My new job took me 50 minutes. I actually enjoyed the longer commute as it was a relaxing drive that was good for my stress levels. However, my wife did mention to me on a few occations that she felt my absense.

Now consider your potential drive - much much longer. It will certainly be felt in the household IMO.

As my job was progressing, my wife and I decided that we would either move to the area where my job was or I would find a new job. We ultimately decided that I would find a new job.

My prayers to you regarding your decision.
 
k5thbeatle said:
I was hoping that some who might have had such long commutes might chime in and share their experience good, bad, or otherwise and specifically how it impacted your family life/marriage?
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Is your friend asking for advice?

I commuted a long distance like that, highway driving, once. It was a long time ago and I didn’t have a spouse/family then. I was young and single. It was 1.5 hours each way. I did that commute for about 4 months before moving (that was the plan all along, to move near work). It certainly cuts into your life, and it tires you out. And it put a LOT of miles on my car really fast! It’s easier in summer than winter.

But, I also have had a commute of over an hour that was freeway, bumper to bumper, so not nearly as many miles but the same amount of time. That is some people’s commute every day and they don’t live that far away from work!

There are options today that didn’t exist back then-- working from home a couple of days a week or when weather is bad.

I don’t think this is something that can really be put out to a forum for “experiences” because we are not him. His experience commuting, his dynamic at home with his wife, his work/life balance, his tolerance for the commute, the pros and cons of the job offer-- those are all HIS and HIS alone. What we experienced isn’t relevant because he may not experience the same thing.
 
1ke said:
Is your friend asking for advice?

I commuted a long distance like that, highway driving, once. It was a long time ago and I didn’t have a spouse/family then. I was young and single. It was 1.5 hours each way. I did that commute for about 4 months before moving (that was the plan all along, to move near work). It certainly cuts into your life, and it tires you out. And it put a LOT of miles on my car really fast! It’s easier in summer than winter.

But, I also have had a commute of over an hour that was freeway, bumper to bumper, so not nearly as many miles but the same amount of time. That is some people’s commute every day and they don’t live that far away from work!

There are options today that didn’t exist back then-- working from home a couple of days a week or when weather is bad.

I don’t think this is something that can really be put out to a forum for “experiences” because we are not him. His experience commuting, his dynamic at home with his wife, his work/life balance, his tolerance for the commute, the pros and cons of the job offer-- those are all HIS and HIS alone. What we experienced isn’t relevant because he may not experience the same thing.
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Yes. For instance, some people LOVE their commutes.
 
Thanks for all the replies. Some very interesting comments and no I am not “butting in” as was suggested in an earlier post (where did that comment come from???). To answer a few of the points that came up I don’t know all the details but I do know where he is driving is rural so no big city rush hour to deal with and the job is a set 8-4:30 job. The biggest concern I see apart from just the actual time is the potential for trouble in the winter?

He’s a very good friend and has asked me for my advice/opinion which is why I thought I’d see what the experience of others who have had such commutes might have been as I myself have never had such a commute to work.

Thanks
 
I had a very long commute once (nearly 2 hours each way) and it was terrible. I was up at 4:30 every morning and didn’t get back until 7, with enough time to make something for dinner, then get to bed. It really wore me out. I was single at the time- I cannot imagine how bad it would have been if I’d had a family.

That said, whether it’s worth it depends on a lot- whether or not he minds driving, whether they have debt that needs to be paid off, whether it’s a job he really wants, and so forth. And most importantly, how does his wife feel about it? That’s whose opinion he should be seeking.
 
k5thbeatle said:
Thanks for all the replies. Some very interesting comments and no I am not “butting in” as was suggested in an earlier post (where did that comment come from???). To answer a few of the points that came up I don’t know all the details but I do know where he is driving is rural so no big city rush hour to deal with and the job is a set 8-4:30 job. The biggest concern I see apart from just the actual time is the potential for trouble in the winter?

He’s a very good friend and has asked me for my advice/opinion which is why I thought I’d see what the experience of others who have had such commutes might have been as I myself have never had such a commute to work.

Thanks
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I will say that it was a given for us that if the roads became bad while hubby was at work, he’d just get a motel room there. While if the roads were bad while at home, he’d call off of work. Each of those situations happened only once or twice during the three year span. There were many more days of bad weather, but the roads weren’t that bad since it was almost all interstate and he didn’t have trouble.
 
CradleJourney said:
I will say that it was a given for us that if the roads became bad while hubby was at work, he’d just get a motel room there. While if the roads were bad while at home, he’d call off of work. Each of those situations happened only once or twice during the three year span. There were many more days of bad weather, but the roads weren’t that bad since it was almost all interstate and he didn’t have trouble.
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Dad only had a 6 mile commute, from the village to the mill in town. There were times in the winter when a stretch of the road between two bodies of water became impassable. The guys would sleep at the mill.
 
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